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  • AND THIS WEEKEND PROVED ONCE AGAIN THAT THE PRIMARIES ARE A

  • GLADIATORIAL DEATH-MATCH BETWEEN WARRING TRIBES, CHEERED

  • ON BY THOSE OF US IN THE BLOODTHIRSTY MEDIA WHO FEED ON

  • THEIR PAIN.

  • IT'S LIKE THE HUNGER GAMES.

  • NO, IT'S WORSE THAN THAT.

  • IT'S...

  • THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELCOME TO THE HUNGRY FOR POWER

  • GAMES!

  • TRIBUTES, ASSEMBLE!

  • OH, MY... THEY'RE DWINDLING.

  • NOW THERE ARE JUST HILLARY CLINTON AND THE SEVEN DWARVES,

  • AND BEN CARSON IS BOTH SLEEPY AND DOC.

  • BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND, WE LOST THE BIGGEST DWARF OF ALL:

  • JEB!

  • JEB!

  • JEB!

  • OH, THAT'S THE LAST TIME WE'LL HEAR HIS MOURNFUL MATING CRY,

  • JEB, JEB.

  • JEB, JEB.

  • (LAUGHTER) NO ONE ANSWERED HIS MATING CRY!

  • ON SATURDAY, JEB FINISHED A DISTANT FOURTH IN SOUTH

  • CAROLINA AND, AS HE LEFT, JOHN ELLIS BUSH, A MAN NAMED

  • AFTER HIS OWN MONOGRAMMED TOWELS,

  • DESCRIBED THE RACE WITH AN APPROPRIATE METAPHOR.

  • >> TONIGHT, I AM SUSPENDING MY CAMPAIGN.

  • I CONGRATULATE MY COMPETITORS WHO ARE REMAINING ON THE ISLAND.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT!

  • THIS ELECTION IS LIKE "SURVIVOR"!

  • BUT SADLY, JEB DID NOT RUN AN "AMAZING RACE."

  • HE JUST DIDN'T HAVE THAT "XFACTOR," AND NOTHING SHORT OF

  • AN "EXTREME MAKEOVER" COULD MAKE VOTERS FORGET HIS "BIG BROTHER."

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND IT ALL BEGAN SO PROMISINGLY

  • FOR THIS CAREER TRIBUTE, TRAINED SINCE BIRTH TO FIGHT FOR CAPITOL

  • CITY.

  • HE HAD ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF NAME RECOGNITION.

  • BUT WAS SADDLED WITH THE BURDEN OF NAME RECOGNITION.

  • IN AN ELECTION WHERE REPUBLICAN VOTERS CHEERED TALK OF MEXICAN

  • WALLS, THIS IS HOW JEB ANNOUNCED HE WAS IN --

  • (SPEAKING SPANISH) >> STEPHEN: AND... HE'S OUT.

  • (APPLAUSE) HOW DO YOU SAY "HASTA LA VISTA"

  • IN ESPANOL?

  • TRIBUTE JEB DISTINGUISHED HIMSELF AS A MODERATE, BY MAKING

  • A MODERATE EFFORT, SAYING EARLY ON THAT A REPUBLICAN CENTRIST

  • MUST BE WILLING TO "LOSE THE PRIMARY TO WIN THE GENERAL."

  • CONGRATULATIONS!

  • YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE!

  • (APPLAUSE) THIS MUST ALSO BE A BLOW TO

  • TRIBUTE JEB'S SPONSORS IN THE CAPITOL, WHO GAVE HIM

  • $150 MILLION!

  • MEANING HIS CAMPAIGN COST AS MUCH AS "INCEPTION," ONLY THE

  • ENDING OF JEB'S CAMPAIGN MAKES SENSE.

  • BUT I WILL ALWAYS RESPECT TRIBUTE JEB -- FOR EVEN AS HIS

  • CAMPAIGN COLLAPSED AROUND HIM, HE NEVER LOST HIS DIGNITY.

  • >> I THINK THE NEXT PRESIDENT NEEDS TO BE A LOT QUIETER BUT

  • SEND A SIGNAL THAT WE'RE PREPARED TO ACT IN THE NATIONAL

  • SECURITY INTERESTS OF THIS COUNTRY, TO GET BACK IN THE

  • BUSINESS OF CREATING A MORE PEACEFUL WORLD... PLEASE CLAP.

  • (APPLAUSE) >> STEPHEN: HE SAID, "PLEASE

  • CLAP" AND THEY DID!

  • IF ONLY HE'D SAID "PLEASE VOTE FOR ME."

  • AND I WILL ALSO RESPECT HIM FOR TRUDGING ON DESPITE SINKING POLL

  • NUMBERS, DUBBING HIMSELF "THE JOYFUL TORTOISE" AND

  • HANDING OUT TOY TURTLES TO ANYONE WHO WOULD TAKE THEM.

  • BUT NOW THE TURTLE IS DEAD.

  • HE'S JOYFUL NO MORE!

  • WHAT DOES ONE DO WITH A DEAD TORTOISE?

  • (LAUGHTER) (FLUSHING SOUND)

  • BYE BYE!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SAY HELLO TO ALL THE DONORS'

  • MONEY!

  • NOW, LET US BID FAREWELL TO THE FALLEN.

  • (CANNON FIRE) FAREWELL, GENTLE JEB.

  • YOUR DYNASTY HAS BEEN FOREVER PUT TO REST.

  • NOW, THE MOST POWERFUL BUSH IS A TIE BETWEEN YOUR COUSIN BILLY

  • AND THAT BAKED BEANS DOG.

  • PLEASE CLAP!

AND THIS WEEKEND PROVED ONCE AGAIN THAT THE PRIMARIES ARE A

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