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  • YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS ALWAYS TOLD ME TO NEVER TALK POLITICS AT THE

  • DINNER TABLE, WHICH IS WHY I DON'T HAVE A DINNER TABLE OUT

  • HERE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND WE'VE STILL GOT NINE MONTHS

  • UNTIL THE ELECTION.

  • BUT BETWEEN NOW AND THEN, THE BRAVE CANDIDATES HAVE A LONG,

  • STRANGE TRIP FULL OF UNEXPECTED DANGERS.

  • THIS IS THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • >> THE AMERICAN DREAM IS DEAD.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT OPENING

  • GRAPHIC WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

  • NOW, ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE TOMORROW, ALL EYES ARE ON MY

  • HOME STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA.

  • AND I ENCOURAGE ALL PALMETTO STATE REPUBLICANS TO GET OUT AND

  • VOTE.

  • YOU CAN HAVE AN IMPORTANT VOICE IN WHO I'LL BE MAKING JOKES

  • ABOUT FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.

  • I THINK YOU KNOW WHO MY CHOICE IS.

  • AND THIS IS STILL ANYBODY'S RACE.

  • BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE HOTTEST THING ON SOCIAL MEDIA RIGHT

  • NOW IS CURRENT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND FUTURE

  • CO-OP BOARD TREASURER, JEB BUSH.

  • JEB KNOWS HE REALLY NEEDS TO WIN SOUTH CAROLINA, SO HE'S BRINGING

  • OUT THE BIG GUNS, BY WHICH I MEAN TWEETING THIS PHOTO OF AN

  • ACTUAL GUN, WITH HIS NAME ENGRAVED ON IT.

  • JEB IS EITHER REACHING OUT TO GUN OWNERS, OR HE'S GOING TO

  • CAMP AND HIS MOM WROTE HIS NAME ON EVERYTHING.

  • AND THE THE STAKES COULD NOT BE HIGHER FOR MARCO RUBIO.

  • IN IOWA, HE STORMED INTO THIRD PLACE.

  • IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, HE THUNDERED INTO FIFTH PLACE.

  • AND HE'S SURGING TOWARDS SECOND AFTER POURING A LOT OF OTHER

  • PEOPLE'S MONEY INTO THIS NEW AD.

  • >> IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA.

  • TODAY MORE MEN AND WOMEN ARE OUT OF WORK THAN EVER BEFORE IN OUR

  • NATION'S HISTORY.

  • PEOPLE PAYING MORE IN TAXES THAN THEY WILL FOR FOOD, HOUSING, AND

  • CLOTHING COMBINED.

  • IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA, AND UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF

  • BARACK OBAMA AND HILLARY CLINTON, OUR COUNTRY IS MORE

  • VULNERABLE, DIVIDED AND DIMINISHED THAN EVER BEFORE.

  • >> Stephen: YES, AN UPLIFTING MESSAGE OF HOPE.

  • IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA.

  • BUT YOU'VE GOT NO JOB, ISIS IS GOING TO KILL US ALL, GO BACK TO

  • BED, GRAB A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIEL'S.

  • PUT A NIPPLE ON IT.

  • AND I'M SURE THIS AD WILL BOOST THE SENATOR, BECAUSE IT PROVIDES

  • A HOPEFUL VISION FOR AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH!

  • EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THE ONE YOU'RE SEEING IN THIS AD, WHICH

  • USES STOCK FOOTAGE OF CANADA.

  • YES.

  • IT TURNS OUT THAT SKYLINE IS VANCOUVER AND THAT AMERICAN

  • BOAT OF OPTIMISM HAS A CANADIAN FLAG ON BACK.

  • MAYBE IT'S TRYING TO TUG VANCOUVER INTO THE UNITED

  • STATES!

  • THE POINT IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT REGARDLESS OF

  • THE FOOTAGE, I BELIEVE THIS AD SPEAKS TO ALL AMERICANS, AS

  • SURELY AS THE EAGLE SOARS, MARCO RUBIO IS AS AMERICAN AS BASEBALL

  • BASEBALL, APPLE PIE, AND MOM.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WILL STRENGTHEN OUR ARMED

  • FORCES.

  • HE WILL SECURE OUR VULNERABLE SOUTHERN BORDER, BRING BACK

  • GOOD AMERICAN JOBS, FIX OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM, AND MAKE

  • THIS COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN.

  • BECAUSE IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA.

  • VOTE RUBIO.

  • YOU WON'T BE SOURRY.

YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS ALWAYS TOLD ME TO NEVER TALK POLITICS AT THE

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