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  • HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT IS REALLY CRISP.

  • IT'S MAY 16TH, I HOPE EVERYBODY BUNDLED UP.

  • IT WAS 39 DEGREES IN NEW YORK THIS MORNING.

  • I NEARLY FROZE MY MAYPOLE OFF.

  • (LAUGHTER) I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.

  • THE WEATHER HAS GONE INSANE.

  • ALL OVER THE PLANET.

  • DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT WAS FREEZING HERE TODAY, CLIMATE

  • SCIENTISTS SAY THAT APRIL WAS THE HOTTEST MONTH ON RECORD.

  • IT WAS SO HOT, DONALD TRUMP TRIED TO MAKE OUT WITH IT.

  • (LAUGHTER) >> IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MONTH.

  • APRIL'S A TOTAL TEN.

  • TOTAL TEN.

  • >> THERE WERE SIGNS THAT GLOBAL WARMING WAS GETTING WORSE FOR A

  • LONG TIME.

  • BACK IN FEBRUARY, INSTEAD OF SEEING HIS SHADOW, THE GROUNDHOG

  • BURST INTO FLAMES.

  • TEMPERATURES ACROSS THE GLOBE HAVE BEEN STEADILY CLIMBING FOR

  • THE PAST 12 MONTHS.

  • SO IF YOU WERE WONDERING IF YOU SHOULD TURN YOUR JEANS INTO

  • CUT-OFFS... NO.

  • NEVER DO THAT.

  • NO REASON.

  • DOESN'T LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU THINK.

  • AS I WARNED YOU AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW, TONIGHT WE WILL BE

  • TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S MOUTH.

  • YOU SEE, YESTERDAY'S "NEW YORK TIMES" HAD A 5,000 WORD STORY

  • WITH A FRONT PAGE HEADLINE: "CROSSING THE LINE: TRUMP'S

  • PRIVATE CONDUCT WITH WOMEN," AND THE TIMES EMAILED A NEWS ALERT

  • READING: "SPECIAL REPORT: DONALD TRUMP

  • HAS REPEATEDLY UNNERVED WOMEN IN PRIVATE ENCOUNTERS OVER 40

  • YEARS."

  • UNNERVING WOMEN FOR 40 YEARS?

  • HARD TO BELIEVE.

  • THAT IMPLIES THERE WERE 29 YEARS WHERE HE WAS NOT UNNERVING

  • WOMEN.

  • I'M GOING TO WANT A FACT CHECK.

  • AND LISTEN TO THESE BOMBSHELL REVELATIONS.

  • ACCORDING TO A FORMER MISS USA CONTESTANT, WHEN SHE MET DONALD

  • TRUMP AT THE PAGEANT: "HE KISSED ME DIRECTLY ON THE

  • LIPS.

  • I THOUGHT, 'OH MY GOD, GROSS.'" (LAUGHTER)

  • OKAY.

  • BUT IN FAIRNESS TO MR. TRUMP, HE WAS JUST TRYING TO TURN HIMSELF

  • INTO A PRINCE.

  • PERFECTLY INNOCENT.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OKAY.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • IT GOES ON TO DETAIL HOW TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HIS SEXUAL

  • PROWESS, AS WELL AS HIS DAUGHTER'S HOTNESS, AND HAD A

  • PREOCCUPATION WITH WOMEN'S BODIES.

  • WHICH MEANS TRUMP COULD BE THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO APPOINT AN

  • ACTUAL "FEDERAL BIKINI INSPECTOR."

  • (LAUGHTER) HERE'S THE THING, NEW YORK

  • TIMES -- I'M NOT SAYING THAT DONALD TRUMP

  • OBJECTIFYING WOMEN FOR 40 YEARS ISN'T A STORY.

  • IT'S JUST BEEN A STORY FOR 40 YEARS.

  • (LAUGHTER) THIS SPECIAL REPORT, NOT THAT

  • SPECIAL.

  • GENERALLY SPEAKING, THE BANNER HEADLINE ON THE FRONT PAGE IS

  • RESERVED FOR SOMETHING SURPRISING LIKE:

  • "IN PRIVATE, DONALD TRUMP MAKES WOMEN COMFORTABLE."

  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

  • NO ONE SAW THAT COMING!

  • SAID ONE WITNESS, "KEPT EYES UP HERE."

  • (LAUGHTER) THAT'S THE BIG REVELATION.

  • I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE OBVIOUS HEADLINES LIKE:

  • "POPE IS CATHOLIC," "BEAR DEFECATION DISCOVERED IN WOODS,"

  • AND "BEAUTY PAGEANT OWNER OBJECTIFIES WOMEN."

  • (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)

  • IN ACTUAL NEWS, DID YOU SEE THIS FOOTAGE FROM YESTERDAY'S GAME

  • BETWEEN THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS AND TEXAS RANGERS?

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OKAY.

  • THERE WAS A HUGE FIGHT BETWEEN THE TEAMS.

  • AFTER A HARD SLIDE, TEXAS' SECOND BASEMAN ROUGNED ODOR

  • PUNCHED TORONTO'S JOSE BAUTISTA RIGHT IN THE FACE.

  • OF COURSE, SINCE BAUTISTA'S TEAM IS CANADIAN, HE IMMEDIATELY

  • APOLOGIZED FOR BEING PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

  • IT'S A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF VIOLENCE FROM BASEBALL PLAYERS,

  • SINCE THEIR MUSCLES TEND TO ATROPHY WHILE WAITING FOR

  • ANYTHING TO HAPPEN.

  • I TELL YOU WHAT, THIS SHOCKS A LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT

  • THIS FIGHT DID NOT SURPRISE ME AT ALL.

  • BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, EVERY TIME I TRIED TO GET TO SECOND BASE, I

  • GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

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BREAKING: Trump Makes Women Uncomfortable

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    VoiceTube posted on 2016/07/11
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