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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE ONLY SEVEN MONTHS LEFT IN

  • THE OBAMA PRESIDENCY.

  • YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE GOING TO MISS A GUY UNTIL YOU

  • SEE THE OPTIONS.

  • AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WONDERING WHAT BARACK OBAMA WILL

  • DO AFTER HE'S PRESIDENT.

  • THERE'S A LOT OF SPECULATION.

  • I READ TODAY THAT HE IS THINKING ABOUT BECOMING A VENTURE

  • CAPITALIST IN SILICON VALLEY.

  • OBAMA'S A PERFECT FIT FOR SILICON VALLEY.

  • HE'S A NERD WHO GOT WAY MORE POWERFUL THAN ANYONE IN HIGH

  • SCHOOL EVER IMAGINED.

  • SO, EVIDENTLY, OBAMA IS GOING TO BE GOING FOR THE CASH.

  • GOOD FOR HIM.

  • BUT HE MAY HAVE TO MAKE A SLIGHT ADJUSTMENT TO HIS POSTER FROM

  • "CHANGE" TO "KA-CHING!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • ( APPLAUSE ) WHY NOT?

  • NOW, COMPARE OBAMA'S POST- PRESIDENTIAL PLANS TO JIMMY

  • CARTER, WHO FAMOUSLY TOOK A LOW-PAYING CONSTRUCTION JOB.

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE STILL MAKING THAT MAN WORK.

  • HE'S 91 YEARS OLD!

  • LET HIM RETIRE, POOR PEOPLE.

  • SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA, SO SELFISH.

  • LISTEN, HEY, THAT'S NOT ME.

  • THAT'S JIMMY CARTER THEY'RE ABUSING.

  • OF COURSE, WITH OBAMA ON THE WAY OUT, BY LAW, SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO

  • MOVE IN TO THE THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • AND IT COULD BE PRESIDENT TRUMP.

  • ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) >> Stephen: MAKES ME EXCITED,

  • TOO.

  • TRUMP IS MAKING A REAL EFFORT TO APPEAR MORE PRESIDENTIAL THESE

  • DAYS.

  • YESTERDAY, HE WENT TO A PENNSYLVANIA RECYCLING PLANT

  • WHERE HE UNVEILED PART OF HIS ECONOMIC PLATFORM.

  • AND INSTEAD OF WEARING HIS TRADEMARK BASEBALL CAP, HE STOOD

  • IN FRONT OF A GIANT PILE OF GARBAGE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE PLAN.

  • HE'S GOING TO REVIVE THE ECONOMY BY TURNING IN EMPTIES FOR THE

  • REFUND.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IN MICHIGAN, WHERE IT'S 10 CENT.

  • MICHIGAN FANS HERE.

  • OR RECYCLING FANS.

  • I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) NOW, IN THE WAKE OF BRITAIN'S

  • EXIT FROM THE E.U.-- THE BREXIT-- TRUMP OUTLINED HIS PLAN

  • FOR A TRUMP EXIT, OR TREXIT.

  • >> NUMBER ONE, I AM GOING TO WITHDRAW THE UNITED STRAIGHTS

  • FROM THE TRANSPACIFIC PARTNERSHIP.

  • >> Stephen: HOLD ON, HOLD ON ( LAUGHTER )

  • DID I-- DID HE JUST SAY "UNITED STRAIGHTS?"

  • >> Jon: YES, HE DID.

  • WELL, YOU HEARD HIM, STRAIGHT PEOPLE.

  • TRUMP IS NOW DEMANDING A HETEROSEXIT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • ( CHEERS ) ♪ ♪ ♪

  • THAT'S ME.

  • BYE, BYE!

  • OF COURSE, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN HAS HAD MONEY PROBLEMS LATELY.

  • HE STARTED JUNE WITH AN ALARMINGLY LOW $1.3 MILLION.

  • DID YOU REALLY JUST GO AAH!

  • THE MAN SAYS HE HAS $10 MILLION AND YOU GO AAW.

  • YOU ARE THE NICEST PEOPLE WHO SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO VOTE.

  • THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IN RESPONSE TO THESE LOW NUMBERS HAVE AMPED

  • UP THEIR FUNDRAISING, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE

  • THEY MAY HAVE GONE OVERBOARD-- AND OVERSEAS.

  • BECAUSE MEMBERS OF THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT HAVE BEEN GETTING

  • REPEATED E-MAILS FROM TRUMP ASKING FOR MONEY.

  • OOH... JUST FIVE DAYS TOO LATE.

  • AND THE BRITISH MPs ARE NOT HAPPY TO RECEIVE THESE E-MAILS.

  • NATALIE McGARRY, A SCOTTISH MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT, WROTE

  • TRUMP BACK, SAYING: ( PRIM ACCENT )

  • "QUITE WHY YOU THINK IT APPROPRIATE TO WRITE.

  • E-MAILS TO U.K. PARLIAMENTARIANS WITH A BEGGING BOWL FOR YOUR...

  • REPUGNANT CAMPAIGN IS COMPLETELY BEYOND ME."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN SHE WHIPPED OUT HER WAND

  • AND CRIED, "EXPECTO GO-BITE-ME!" NOW, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY

  • THEY'RE COMPLAINING.

  • BECAUSE I'VE GOT ONE OF TRUMP'S SPAM EMAILS RIGHT HERE.

  • "HELLO, SEX FRIEND, LOOKING TO MAKE AMERICA COUNTRY AGAIN

  • GREAT.

  • PURR WITH DELIGHT.

  • MAKE LADY AMERICA GO WOW, WOW, WOW, BIG TIME!

  • CITIZEN ENJOY LOVELIEST PRESIDENT.

  • PLEASE DONATE WITH PLEASURE.

  • TRUMP 2016.

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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