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  • NOW, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU TAPED YOUR T.V. SHOW EARLIER

  • TONIGHT, AND RIGHT NOW YOU'RE AT HOME ON THE COUCH WITH A

  • COCKTAIL MADE OF EQUAL PARTS BOURBON AND MUCINEX -- I CALL IT

  • "THE COLD FASHIONED" -- AND YOU JUST FINISHED WATCHING

  • TONIGHT'S REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

  • I BET TONIGHT WAS THE BEST ONE YET.

  • BECAUSE WE ARE JUST 19 DAYS AWAY FROM THE FIRST OFFICIAL VOTE AT

  • THE IOWA CAUCUSES -- AND WINNING IOWA IS CRUCIAL FOR WINNING THE

  • REPUBLICAN NOMINATION.

  • JUST ASK THE GUY WHO WON IOWA IN 2012, PRESIDENT RICK SANTORUM.

  • THANK YOU, SIR.

  • (APPLAUSE) SO THE CANDIDATES ARE STEPPING

  • UP THEIR GAMES.

  • FOR INSTANCE, JEB!

  • LAST WEEK, I REPORTED THAT JEB!

  • HAD REVITALIZED HIS CAMPAIGN WITH A BOLD NEW STRATEGY.

  • >> JEB BUSH SAYS THAT HE SEES HIMSELF AS A JOYFUL TORTOISE.

  • AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT HE TOLD A TEENAGER ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL

  • YESTERDAY.

  • THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE GAVE THE BOY A TOY

  • TURTLE AND SAYS HE CARRIES THEM AROUND IN HIS POCKET.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, HE GIVES OUT TOY TURTLES.

  • HE TRIED USING REAL TURTLES, BUT THEY KEPT CRAWLING OUT OF HIS

  • POCKETS AND THEN PASSING HIM IN THE POLLS.

  • BUT GUESS WHAT?

  • I CALLED IT.

  • LAST WEEK, I SAID THIS GUY WAS DUE FOR A COMEBACK, AND

  • ACCORDING TO REUTERS, HE IS NOW IN THIRD PLACE NATIONALLY.

  • AINT' NO STOPPIN US NOW!

  • JEB'S ON THE MOVE! ♪ HE'S ON A ROCKET FUELED ELEVATOR

  • STRAIGHT TO THE THIRD FLOOR!

  • AND IF MY MATH IS RIGHT, THERE ARE ONLY TWO PLACES "ABOVE"

  • THAT.

  • THAT'S AT LEAST A BRONZE.

  • SPEAKING OF BRONZER -- DONALD TRUMP.

  • THE LATEST IOWA POLLS HAVE TRUMP JUST THREE POINTS BEHIND TED

  • CRUZ, WHO HAS BEEN LEADING IN IOWA EVER SINCE GEORGE PATAKI

  • DROPPED OUT, AND CRUZ PICKED.

  • UP ALL OF PATAKI'S VOTER.

  • TRUMP DID WHAT A CORNERED TRUMP DOES.

  • HE WENT ON THE ATTACK BY EXPOSING A DARK SECRET FROM

  • CRUZ'S PAST.

  • >> HE WAS BORN IN CANADA.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY NATURAL BORN CITIZENS CAN BE

  • PRESIDENT, AND CRUZ WAS BORN...

  • IN CANADA!

  • THAT, OF COURSE, IS THE SOUND OF CANADA'S NATIONAL BIRD, THE

  • LOON.

  • IF YOU KNEW THAT, YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT.

  • OR MAYBE YOU ARE.

  • I THINK THE WHOLE THING IS HORSE (BLEEP).

  • BUT TRUMP DOESN'T.

  • LISTEN TO WHAT TRUMP HAS BEEN PLAYING AT "HIS" RALLIES.

  • BORN IN THE U.S.A. ♪ "BORN IN THE U.S.A.!"

  • IT COULD BE WORSE, TED.

  • HE COULD BE TAUNTING YOU WITH THE CANADIAN ANTHEM -- I THINK

  • IT'S THAT BARENAKED LADIES SONG:

  • CHIKKITY-CHINA, THE CHINESE CHICKEN

  • YOU HAVE A DRUM STICK AND YOUR BRAIN STOPS TICKIN' ♪

  • OUR HOME AND NATIVE LANDBUT CRUZ HAS HIS OWN SNAPPY

  • MUSICAL COMEBACK.

  • >> NOW TED CRUZ IS SAYING DONALD TRUMP, YOU KNOW, IS FROM

  • SOMEWHERE EVEN WORSE THAN CANADA: NEW YORK.

  • >> I THINK HE MAY SHIFT IN HIS NEW RALLIES TO PLAYIN' "NEW

  • YORK, NEW YORK."

  • BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, DONALD COMES FROM NEW YORK, AND HE EMBODIES

  • NEW YORK VALUES.

  • >> STEPHEN: I DON'T LIKE WHAT HE'S INSINUATING ABOUT NEW YORK,

  • THAT DONALD TRUMP COMES FROM HERE.

  • THAT IS JUST A NASTY THING TO SAY!

  • BUT MAYBE TED CRUZ IS MISINTERPRETING TRUMP CONSTANTLY

  • QUESTIONING HIS CITIZENSHIP.

  • AS TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER EXPLAINED, "WE'RE TRYING TO

  • HELP."

  • YES, HE'S TRYING TO HELP.

  • TODAY IT'S "HE WAS BORN IN CANADA."

  • TOMORROW, MAYBE INSERTING HIM INTO OLD EPISODES OF "DEGRASSI

  • JUNIOR HIGH".

  • BESIDES, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THE NATURAL BORN CITIZEN

  • ISSUE HAS COME UP IN AN ELECTION.

  • IN 2008, ONE CANDIDATE'S UNUSUAL, POSSIBLY UNAMERICAN

  • ORIGINS HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE SUSPICIOUS: JOHN MCCAIN.

  • SENATOR MCCAIN WAS BORN IN PANAMA, ON A U.S. MILITARY BASE.

  • BUT THAT WAS ALL CLEARED UP WHEN ALL HIS SENATE COLLEAGUES,

  • INCLUDING BARACK OBAMA, STEPPED IN AND PASSED A RESOLUTION

  • DECLARING HIM A NATURAL BORN CITIZEN.

  • NOW, CRUZ ISN'T PARTICULARLY POPULAR IN CONGRESS.

  • HE HAS BEEN DESCRIBED BY MEMBERS OF HIS OWN PARTY AS A "JACKASS,"

  • "A WACKO BIRD," "THE REPUBLICAN NO OTHER REPUBLICAN CAN STAND."

  • AND, WHILE THE OTHER LEADING REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES WOULD

  • BENEFIT FROM CRUZ BEING INELIGIBLE, I'M SURE HIS FELLOW

  • REPUBLICANS SENATORS WILL RALLY AROUND HIM LIKE THEY DID WITH

  • MCCAIN.

  • RIGHT, MITCH MCCONNELL?

  • >> I DON'T THINK THE SENATE OUGHT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF

  • IT.

  • >> STEPHEN: YEAH, BUT IN 2008 WHEN MCCAIN WAS --

  • >> I JUST DON'T THINK THE SENATE OUGHT TO GET IN THE MIDDLE OF

  • THIS.

  • >> STEPHEN: WELL, LOOKS LIKE JEB BUSH HAS ONE MORE LUCKY TURTLE

  • IN HIS POCKET.

NOW, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU TAPED YOUR T.V. SHOW EARLIER

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    VoiceTube posted on 2016/07/11
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