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  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY!

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANKS!

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH!

  • WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS BUT SOMEONE WAS DOING IT IN THE

  • BALCONY, AND I LOVE IT!

  • I NEED THE POSITIVE ENERGY.

  • FOLKS, THIS IS A CRAZY ELECTION.

  • BUT, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW THAT, UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN IN A COMA.

  • AND IF YOU WERE IN A COMA, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SLIP BACK IN FOR

  • THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.

  • I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.

  • (APPLAUSE) BECAUSE TODAY, DONALD TRUMP

  • RECEIVED HIS 1,237TH DELEGATE, CLINCHING THE REPUBLICAN

  • NOMINATION.

  • (AUDIENCE BOOING) AND SAYING THAT JUST CLENCHED A

  • FEW SPHINCTERS.

  • (LAUGHTER) SO THAT'S IT.

  • IT'S OFFICIAL.

  • THE DIE IS CAST.

  • TRUMP'S THE NOMINEE.

  • JUST GOING TO GET COMFORTABLE FOR A SECOND.

  • (CHEERING) A YEAR AGO, IT SEEMED

  • IMPOSSIBLE.

  • BUT IT JUST GOES TO SHOW: IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO SOMETHING AND

  • WORK REALLY HARD -- YOU'LL STILL PROBABLY LOSE TO DONALD TRUMP.

  • HERE'S WHAT PUT TRUMP OVER THE TOP: A SMALL GROUP OF UNPLEDGED

  • DELEGATES DECIDED TODAY TO BACK TRUMP AT THE CONVENTION, AND IT

  • IS ROCK SOLID SUPPORT, LIKE ONE PENNSYLVANIA DELEGATE WHO SAYS

  • HE WILL BACK TRUMP ON THE FIRST BALLOT, BUT "IF THERE'S A SECOND

  • BALLOT, I WON'T VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP, HE'S RIDICULOUS.

  • THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO SAY IT."

  • NOW, COME ON!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NOW, COME ON.

  • THAT'S NOT FAIR.

  • THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER WAYS TO SAY IT.

  • YOU COULD SAY "HE'S A BLOATED LEATHER SACK STUFFED FULL OF

  • STEAK AND EGO."

  • YOU COULD SAY, "HE'S GOT A HEAD FOR BANKRUPTING BUSINESS AND A

  • BODY FOR SWEATPANTS."

  • YOU COULD SAY, "HE'S A MICROWAVED CIRCUS PEANUT

  • SOMEONE RUBBED ON A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

  • LY" DICK LOUSE.

  • RIDICULOUS.

  • RIDICULOUS.

  • IT WAS SO COMFORTABLE DOWN THERE.

  • CAN I STAY DOWN THERE BETWEEN NOW AND THE ELECTION?

  • THEY'RE TELLING ME I HAVE TO STAND UP.

  • BUT WAIT.

  • THERE'S MORE.

  • BECAUSE HILLARY CLINTON HAS SAID SHE ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE

  • DEBATING BERNIE SANDERS ANYMORE.

  • SO, TODAY, TRUMP ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL DEBATE BERNIE SANDERS!

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • TWO ANGRY NEW YORKERS SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER -- IT'LL BE LIKE

  • THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS TRAPPED IN A SUBWAY CAR!

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

  • IMMEDIATELY AFTER TRUMP OFFERED TO DEBATE HIM, BERNIE RESPONDED

  • BY TWEETING, "GAME ON."

  • (LAUGHTER) SOUNDS LIKE HE'S ACCEPTING, BUT

  • HE IS AN OLD GUY, SO HE MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN TRYING TO TELL

  • THE COMPUTER TO OPEN SOLITAIRE.

  • NOT ENTIRELY SURE.

  • GAME ON.

  • OPEN THE GAME.

  • AND WHILE EVERY NETWORK IS BIDDING FOR THIS DEBATE, I AM

  • HAPPY TO REPORT THAT THE DEBATE WILL BE ON THIS SHOW!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO

  • HAPPEN, BUT I AM HAPPY TO REPORT THAT.

  • MAKES ME VERY HAPPY TO SAY THAT.

  • NOW, TRUMP DID PUT ONE CONDITION ON THE DEBATE.

  • >> I'D LOVE TO DEBATE.

  • BERNIE.

  • HE'S A DREAM.

  • IF WE CAN RAISE FOR MAYBE WOMEN'S HEALTH ISSUES OR

  • SOMETHING.

  • IF WE CAN RAISE 10- OR $15 MILLION FOR CHARITY.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, TO RAISE MONEY FOR WOMEN'S HEALTH ISSUES.

  • I'M GUESSING, "THE DONALD TRUMP FOUNDATION FOR WOMEN WHO AREN'T

  • ANYWHERE NEAR A '10', THEY'RE LIKE A '5' TOPS."

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY!

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