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  • WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT ON THE SHOW, I LEAVE MY

  • DECISION UP TO A HIGHER POWER, BY WHICH I MEAN THE DOME OF MY

  • THEATER.

  • THIS IS -- "WHEEL OF NEWS!"!

  • ♪ ♪

  • ♪ >> Stephen: HEY!

  • NOW!

  • LONG-TIME FANS OF THE WHEEL OF NEWS KNOW THAT WE'VE INSTALLED A

  • GIANT SPINNING WHEEL IN THE CEILING OF THE ED SULLIVAN

  • THEATER WITH TOPICS LIKE "SPORTS," "ENTERTAINMENT," AND

  • "CHEESE"-- ALL THE BIG NEWS SUBJECTS-- AND WHEREVER THE

  • WHEEL LANDS, I TALK ABOUT THAT THING.

  • I JUST PULL A HI-TECH LEVER, WHICH IS HELD UP BY MY

  • UNDER-THE-DESK GUY, BRENDAN.

  • SAY HI TO BRENDAN!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: STAY DOWN IN THE

  • DESK HOLE, BUDDY.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • Y'ALL READY?

  • LET'S SPIN!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "SCIENCE!"

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) PEOPLE LOVE THE SCIENCE.

  • PALENTOLOGISTS IN KAZAKHSTAN HAVE FOUND REMNANTS OF AN

  • "ELASMOTHERIUM SIBIRICUM," ALSO KNOWN AS THE SIBERIAN UNICORN.

  • THAT'S RIGHT, UNICORNS ARE REAL!

  • WHICH MEANS PALEONTOLOGISTS ARE JUST TWO NEON DOLPHINS AWAY FROM

  • VALIDATING YOUR SIXTH GRADE TRAPPER KEEPER.

  • PERSONALLY, I LOVE UNICORNS.

  • I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT A REAL UNICORN LOOKED LIKE.

  • JIM?

  • (LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT A REAL

  • UNICORN.

  • THAT'S A HAIRY RHINO WITH SCOLIOSIS!

  • I REALLY HAVE A HARD TIME IMAGINING THAT THING POOPING

  • RAINBOWS.

  • I STILL CAN, BUT IT'S NOT EASY.

  • OKAY, LEVER, LET'S DANCE.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 5000!

  • I'M IN FIRST PLACE!

  • LET'S DO IT RIGHT NOW!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "SPORTS!"

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) DURING A KNICKS GAME THIS WEEK,

  • A CHILD RAN ONTO THE COURT TO GIVE CARMELO ANTHONY A HUG, AND

  • THE VIDEO WENT VIRAL BECAUSE PEOPLE ALL ACROSS THE NATION

  • WERE SHOCKED THAT THE KNICKS HAD A FAN.

  • SPIN IT TO WIN IT!

  • "BERMUDA TRIANGLE!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS ONE OF THE PLACES WHERE DOZENS OF SHIPS

  • AND AIRPLANES HAVE DISAPPEARED.

  • SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED HUGE CRATERS ON THE SEA FLOOR THAT

  • SUGGEST GIANT BLOWOUTS OF METHANE.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE IS OCEAN FARTS.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) APPARENTLY, THE GAS DEPOSITS

  • BUILD UP ENORMOUS PRESSURE THAT THEY RELEASE IN EXPLOSIONS

  • STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE OUT A SHIP OR EVEN AN AIRPLANE FLYING

  • OVERHEAD.

  • SO YOU'RE BUSTED, ATLANTIC OCEAN-- HE WHO SANK IT, STANK

  • IT.

  • (LAUGHTER) SPIN CYCLE!

  • ( WHAMMY NOISE ) OH, NO!

  • THE GRONGLER!

  • AW, MAN!

  • NO, NO!

  • NO!

  • HE GRONGLED AWAY MY 5000!

  • I'M IN LAST PLACE.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • LET'S TRY AGAIN.

  • (APPLAUSE) "BUCKET OF NEWS."

  • ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT IN HERE.

  • NORTH CAROLINA JUST PASSED A LAW AIMED AT TRANSGENDER PEOPLE THAT

  • SAYS THAT IF YOU'RE USING A PUBLIC BATHROOM, YOU HAVE TO USE

  • THE ONE THAT MATCHES THE GENDER ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

  • SO NORTH CAROLINIANS, IF YOU'RE OUT ON THE TOWN AND HAVE TO USE

  • THE FACILITIES, FIRST, JUST GO TO THE COUNTY CLERK, GET THE

  • LONG-FORM OF YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE, AND YOU'RE ALL

  • GOOD.

  • OH, ALSO BRING YOUR PASSPORT OR YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED TO WASH

  • YOUR HANDS.

  • NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE COMING OUT AGAINST THIS LAW.

  • EVEN THE ATTORNEY GENERAL HAS CALLED IT "A NATIONAL

  • EMBARRASSMENT."

  • NOT AT ALL, SIR.

  • THERE'S NO REASON FOR THE REST OF US TO BE EMBARRASSED.

  • THIS ONE IS ALL YOURS.

  • (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • LISTEN, NORTH CAROLINA, PEOPLE CHANGE.

  • THERE ARE TONS OF FOLKS WHO SIMPLY DON'T IDENTIFY WITH

  • WHAT'S ON THEIR BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

  • FOR INSTANCE, TED CRUZ WISHES HIS DIDN'T SAY "CANADA."

  • (LAUGHTER) SPIN!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "MYSTERY GUEST!"

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE WHO IT IS!

  • OUR MYSTERY GUEST FOR TONIGHT IS...

  • SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANKS, SENATOR .

  • SENATOR, ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

  • >> GOOD TO BE HERE.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY!

  • SENATOR SANDERS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE TO BE OUR

  • FIRST MYSTERY GUEST ON THE "WHEEL OF NEWS!."

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU KNOW THE RULES OF MYSTERY

  • GUESTS.

  • FIRST YOU HAVE TO ANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT POLICY OF YOUR

  • CAMPAIGN.

  • >> OKAY.

  • >> Stephen: SIR, YOU SAY, RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE TRAILING IN

  • DELEGATES BEHIND SECRETARY CLINTON.

  • YOU SAY THAT SUPER DELEGATES WILL SWITCH FROM MS. CLINTON TO

  • YOU AS YOU START WINNING MORE STATES.

  • WHY DO YOU WANT THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO BE THROWN INTO THE KIND

  • OF CHAOS YOU SEE ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE WHERE THEY WILL

  • HAVE A CONTESTED CONVENTION?

  • >> WELL, I THINK TWO THINGS.

  • NUMBER ONE, WE HAVE WON SIX OUT OF LAST SEVEN CAUCUSES MOST BY A

  • LANDSLIDE (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • AND I THINK THAT SUPER DELEGATES SHOULD LISTEN TO THE WILL OF

  • THEIR PEOPLE.

  • IF YOU'VE GOT 60, 70, 80% OF A VOTE IN A STATE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • I THINK SUPER DELEGATES SHOULD VOTE FOR US.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: ISN'T THE PURPOSE

  • OF THE SUPER DELEGATES OF THE PARTY TAKES SOME CONTROL OF THE

  • PROCESS?

  • DON'T THE REPUBLICANS JUST WISH THEY HAD SUPER DELEGATES RIGHT

  • NOW?

  • >> WELL, THAT MAY BE.

  • BUT I THINK WHAT WE NEED IN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY IS SOME

  • DEMOCRACY, AND THAT MEANS THAT I THINK THAT WHEN WE ARE DEFEATING

  • TRUMP IN THE LAST POLLS BY 15 OR 20 POINTS AND WHEN WE ARE THE

  • STRONGEST CANDIDATE, I BELIEVE, IN TAKING ON ANY REPUBLICAN

  • CANDIDATE, I WOULD HOPE SUPER DELEGATES TAKE A LOOK AT WHO THE

  • STRONGEST DEMOCRAT CANDIDATE IS AND, YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • THAT'S ME.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: SENATOR, THANK YOU

  • SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

  • AS YOU KNOW, WE ARE OUT OF MYSTERY GUEST TIME.

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

  • (AUDIENCE REACTS) THANK YOU.

  • >> I WOULD LIKE TO SPIN THAT DAMN WHEEL!

  • >> Stephen: WELL, LET'S DO IT!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET'S DO IT!

  • COME ON AROUND HERE.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • >> HEY!

  • THERE IS A HUMAN BEING DOWN HERE!

  • WHAT IS GOING ON!

  • WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THIS WORKER?!

  • >> HELP ME, BERNIE.

  • ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HOW LONG HAVE THEY PUT YOU DOWN

  • HERE?

  • >> DAYS!

  • WHAT KIND OF OPERATION ARE YOU RUNNING HERE, STEPHEN?

  • >> Stephen: IT'S CALLED A TALK SHOW, BERNIE.

  • WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPIN THE WHEEL?

  • >> I WOULD LOVE TO SPIN THE WHEEL.

  • >> Stephen: GIVE IT A YANK.

  • WHICH WAY?

  • >> Stephen: ANY WAY YOU WANT.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) "T-SHIRT CANNON!"

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ONE, TWO, THREE!

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SARAH PAULSON!

  • ♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT ON THE SHOW, I LEAVE MY

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