Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles SCOTCH AND WATER, HOLD THE ICE. BUT THIS WAS FASCINATING. TONIGHT'S TOPIC FOR THE DEBATE WAS DOMESTIC POLICY. AND GEORGE W. BUSH WAS VERY PROUD ABOUT THIS ONE POINT. HE TOOK CREDIT FOR TOP ELLING JAY LENO. -- FOR TOPPLING JAY LENO. VERY PROUD. ( Applause ) BUT THESE RULES, THEY'RE NOT HAPHAZARD, YOU KNOW. THESE DEBATES ARE NOT HAPHAZARD. THEY HAVE ENDLESS RULES. THEY HAVE PAGE AFTER PAGE. HERE ARE SOME OF THE RULES FOR TONIGHT'S DEBATE. NO BACK-OF-THE-HEAD CAMERA TELEVISION ANGLES, NO REACTION SHOTS OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS DURING THE DEBATES. YOU CAN BRING YOUR OWN MAKE-UP PEOPLE. CONVINCE DENTALLY, THESE ARE ALSO THE RULES FOR A PAR SOUNDING VERY NICE TONIGHT. >> Paul: WE'RE HAPPY TO BE HERE. >> Dave: THESE ARE ACTUAL LETTERS FROM ACTUAL VIEWERS. WE ARE GOING TO SPEND A FEW MINUTES ANSWERING THE LETTERS. WHAT IS THE LATEST JUICIEST GOSSIP AT THE "LATE SHOW." WALLY MacBUTTER. MONTREAL, QUEBEC. WELL, MR. MacBUTTER, USED TO HANG OUT WITH MAYOR McCHEESE, DIDN'T HE? >> Paul: NO NOW, NOW. >> Dave: TALKING ABOUT JUICY GOSSIP AT THE "LATE SHOW," IT'S SILLY BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING IF YOU'RE INTERESTED. WE DO HAVE A NEWSLETTER ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON BEHIND THE SCENES AT THE "LATE SHOW." IF WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE NEWSLETTER, GET IT AT YOUR OWN HOME, TAKE A LOOK. >> Announcer: ARE YOU DYING TO UNCOVER THE SECRETS OF BACKSTAGE LIFE AT THE "LATE SHOW," JUICY DETAILS LIKE WHERE DOES PAUL SHAFFER BUY HIS SUITS AND WHAT DOES DAVE LETTERMAN EAT FOR LUNCH? IF SO, ORDER YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO THE LATE SHOW INSIDER. AND IF YOU ACT NOW, YOU'LL GET THIS SEXY LIMITED EDITION PHOTO OF ALAN KAULTER. CALL NOW. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY. >> Alan: IT'S REALLY QUITE INFORMATIVE. ( Applause ) >> Dave: YEAH. WELL, I GUESS WE HAVE TO GO ON. YOU SEE IN TELEMUNDO. THAT'S RIGHT. LETTER NUMBER FOUR. WOW. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. WHAT IF THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE-- WHAT IF FINDING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE MEANT CHANGING THE LIFE THAT YOU LOVE? THIS IS A SONG, ISN'T IT? >> Paul: IT IS A SONG. >> Dave: IT SOUNDS LIKE A SONG. WHAT IF FINDING... DO YOU KNOW THE SONG? >> Paul: I KNOW THE SONG. YOU KNOW ME. I KNOW A LOT OF SONGS. >> Dave: WHAT IF FINDING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE MEANT CHANGING THE LIFE THAT YOU LOVE SMALL WHAT IF FINDING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE MEANT CHANGING THE LIFE THAT YOU LOVE. WHAT IF LISTENING TO YOUR HEART MEANT LOSING WHAT YOU'RE DREAMING OF ♪ WHAT IF ALL THAT YOU WANTED TO DO ♪ IS DRIVE OUT YOUR MOTOR AL FOE ♪ BUT THE GODLESS AMERICAN JACKALS REFUSE TO LET YOU GO ♪ OH, INFIDEL ♪ YOU INFIDEL ♪ YOU INFIDEL, PIG HEADED FOES ♪ THIS IS YOUR WARNING ♪ THIS IS OUR JIHAD ♪ OH INFIDEL ♪ YOU PIG DOGS ♪ PREPARE FOR THE WRATH OF GOD ♪ INFIDELS. YOU PIG HEADED INFIDELS. >> Dave: PAUL, THAT'S NOT.... ( Applause ) IS THAT REALLY HOW THAT SONG GOES IN. >> Paul: YES, IT IS. I HAVE THE SHEET MUSIC. I BROUGHT IT IN. IT'S RIGHT HERE. CAT STEVENS GREATEST ANTI-AMERICAN HITS. INFIDEL PIG DOGS. I HAPPEN TO HAVE THE SHEET MUSIC. >> Dave: SO THE NAME OF THE SONG IS INFIDEL PIG DOGS. >> Paul: YEAH, ONE OF HIS GREATEST ANTI-AMERICAN HITS. I BROUGHT THE SHEET MUSIC IN. >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR CLEARING THAT UP. ALL RIGHT. LET'S CLOSE UP THE OLD THING >> Dave: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. IT'S TIME NOW... I CAN'T BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH PEOPLE LOVE THIS NEXT SEGMENT PEOPLE ON THE SHOW. TIME TO PLAY WILL IT FLOAT? ♪ WILL IT FLOAT ♪ WILL IT FLOAT ♪ WILL IT FLOAT ♪ >> Dave: BY THE WAY, DON'T FOREGET TO PICK UP AN EDITION OF THE WILL IT FLOAT HOME GAME. EVERYTHING IN ONE BOX. YOU CAN HAVE AS MUCH FUN AT HOME AS YOU HAVE HERE IN THE THEATER PLAYING WILL IT FLOAT. WITH THE HOLIDAYS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, THIS IS THE PERFECT STOCKING STUFFER. >> Paul: I CAN SEE THAT. >> Dave: IF YOU HAVE UNUSUALLY SHAPED FEET. WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR TONIGHT. >> Alan: DAVE, WE ARE PLAYING FOR A BRAND-NEW HOUSE! ( Applause ) >> Dave: A BRAND-NEW HOUSE! TELL US ABOUT THE ITEM, ALAN. >> Alan: TONIGHT DAVE, IT'S A 7.5 OUNCE JAR OF MARSHMALLOW FLUFF. >>. >> Dave: FLOAT, FLOAT, FLOAT. >> Paul: NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. THAT'S A BAD ITEM. DID YOU PICK THAT ITEM? >> Dave:. >> Alan: I DID. >> Paul: AT LEAST HE OWNS UP TOE IT. >> Paul: DEFINITELY FLOAT. >> Dave: PULL UP THE THING AND SEE IF IT FLOATS. HERE WE GO. HI, GIRLS. HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO SEE YOU.