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  • SCOTCH AND WATER, HOLD THE ICE.

  • BUT THIS WAS FASCINATING.

  • TONIGHT'S TOPIC FOR THE DEBATE

  • WAS DOMESTIC POLICY.

  • AND GEORGE W. BUSH WAS VERY

  • PROUD ABOUT THIS ONE POINT.

  • HE TOOK CREDIT FOR TOP ELLING

  • JAY LENO.

  • -- FOR TOPPLING JAY LENO.

  • VERY PROUD.

  • ( Applause )

  • BUT THESE RULES, THEY'RE NOT

  • HAPHAZARD, YOU KNOW.

  • THESE DEBATES ARE NOT HAPHAZARD.

  • THEY HAVE ENDLESS RULES.

  • THEY HAVE PAGE AFTER PAGE.

  • HERE ARE SOME OF THE RULES FOR

  • TONIGHT'S DEBATE.

  • NO BACK-OF-THE-HEAD CAMERA

  • TELEVISION ANGLES, NO REACTION

  • SHOTS OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS DURING

  • THE DEBATES.

  • YOU CAN BRING YOUR OWN MAKE-UP

  • PEOPLE.

  • CONVINCE DENTALLY, THESE ARE

  • ALSO THE RULES FOR A PAR

  • SOUNDING VERY NICE TONIGHT.

  • >> Paul: WE'RE HAPPY TO BE HERE.

  • >> Dave: THESE ARE ACTUAL

  • LETTERS FROM ACTUAL VIEWERS.

  • WE ARE GOING TO SPEND A FEW

  • MINUTES ANSWERING THE LETTERS.

  • WHAT IS THE LATEST JUICIEST

  • GOSSIP AT THE "LATE SHOW."

  • WALLY MacBUTTER.

  • MONTREAL, QUEBEC.

  • WELL, MR. MacBUTTER, USED TO

  • HANG OUT WITH MAYOR McCHEESE,

  • DIDN'T HE?

  • >> Paul: NO NOW, NOW.

  • >> Dave: TALKING ABOUT JUICY

  • GOSSIP AT THE "LATE SHOW," IT'S

  • SILLY BUT I'LL TELL YOU

  • SOMETHING IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.

  • WE DO HAVE A NEWSLETTER ABOUT

  • EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON BEHIND

  • THE SCENES AT THE "LATE SHOW."

  • IF WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE

  • TO THE NEWSLETTER, GET IT AT

  • YOUR OWN HOME, TAKE A LOOK.

  • >> Announcer: ARE YOU DYING TO

  • UNCOVER THE SECRETS OF BACKSTAGE

  • LIFE AT THE "LATE SHOW," JUICY

  • DETAILS LIKE WHERE DOES PAUL

  • SHAFFER BUY HIS SUITS AND WHAT

  • DOES DAVE LETTERMAN EAT FOR

  • LUNCH?

  • IF SO, ORDER YOUR SUBSCRIPTION

  • TO THE LATE SHOW INSIDER.

  • AND IF YOU ACT NOW, YOU'LL GET

  • THIS SEXY LIMITED EDITION PHOTO

  • OF ALAN KAULTER.

  • CALL NOW.

  • OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY.

  • >> Alan: IT'S REALLY QUITE

  • INFORMATIVE.

  • ( Applause )

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • WELL, I GUESS WE HAVE TO GO ON.

  • YOU SEE IN TELEMUNDO.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • LETTER NUMBER FOUR.

  • WOW.

  • THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

  • WHAT IF THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE--

  • WHAT IF FINDING THE LOVE OF YOUR

  • LIFE MEANT CHANGING THE LIFE

  • THAT YOU LOVE?

  • THIS IS A SONG, ISN'T IT?

  • >> Paul: IT IS A SONG.

  • >> Dave: IT SOUNDS LIKE A SONG.

  • WHAT IF FINDING... DO YOU KNOW

  • THE SONG?

  • >> Paul: I KNOW THE SONG.

  • YOU KNOW ME.

  • I KNOW A LOT OF SONGS.

  • >> Dave: WHAT IF FINDING THE

  • LOVE OF YOUR LIFE MEANT CHANGING

  • THE LIFE THAT YOU LOVE SMALL

  • WHAT IF FINDING THE LOVE OF YOUR

  • LIFE MEANT CHANGING THE LIFE

  • THAT YOU LOVE.

  • WHAT IF LISTENING TO YOUR HEART

  • MEANT LOSING WHAT YOU'RE

  • DREAMING OF

  • ♪ WHAT IF ALL THAT YOU WANTED TO

  • DO

  • ♪ IS DRIVE OUT YOUR MOTOR AL FOE

  • ♪ BUT THE GODLESS AMERICAN

  • JACKALS REFUSE TO LET YOU GO

  • ♪ OH, INFIDEL

  • ♪ YOU INFIDEL

  • ♪ YOU INFIDEL, PIG HEADED FOES

  • ♪ THIS IS YOUR WARNING

  • ♪ THIS IS OUR JIHAD

  • ♪ OH INFIDEL

  • ♪ YOU PIG DOGS

  • ♪ PREPARE FOR THE WRATH OF GOD ♪

  • INFIDELS.

  • YOU PIG HEADED INFIDELS.

  • >> Dave: PAUL, THAT'S NOT....

  • ( Applause )

  • IS THAT REALLY HOW THAT SONG

  • GOES IN.

  • >> Paul: YES, IT IS.

  • I HAVE THE SHEET MUSIC.

  • I BROUGHT IT IN.

  • IT'S RIGHT HERE.

  • CAT STEVENS GREATEST

  • ANTI-AMERICAN HITS.

  • INFIDEL PIG DOGS.

  • I HAPPEN TO HAVE THE SHEET

  • MUSIC.

  • >> Dave: SO THE NAME OF THE SONG

  • IS INFIDEL PIG DOGS.

  • >> Paul: YEAH, ONE OF HIS

  • GREATEST ANTI-AMERICAN HITS.

  • I BROUGHT THE SHEET MUSIC IN.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR

  • CLEARING THAT UP.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • LET'S CLOSE UP THE OLD THING

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN.

  • WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.

  • IT'S TIME NOW... I CAN'T BEGIN

  • TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH PEOPLE LOVE

  • THIS NEXT SEGMENT PEOPLE ON THE

  • SHOW.

  • TIME TO PLAY WILL IT FLOAT?

  • ♪ WILL IT FLOAT

  • ♪ WILL IT FLOAT

  • ♪ WILL IT FLOAT ♪

  • >> Dave: BY THE WAY, DON'T

  • FOREGET TO PICK UP AN EDITION OF

  • THE WILL IT FLOAT HOME GAME.

  • EVERYTHING IN ONE BOX.

  • YOU CAN HAVE AS MUCH FUN AT HOME

  • AS YOU HAVE HERE IN THE THEATER

  • PLAYING WILL IT FLOAT.

  • WITH THE HOLIDAYS RIGHT AROUND

  • THE CORNER, THIS IS THE PERFECT

  • STOCKING STUFFER.

  • >> Paul: I CAN SEE THAT.

  • >> Dave: IF YOU HAVE UNUSUALLY

  • SHAPED FEET.

  • WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR TONIGHT.

  • >> Alan: DAVE, WE ARE PLAYING

  • FOR A BRAND-NEW HOUSE!

  • ( Applause )

  • >> Dave: A BRAND-NEW HOUSE!

  • TELL US ABOUT THE ITEM, ALAN.

  • >> Alan: TONIGHT DAVE, IT'S A

  • 7.5 OUNCE JAR OF MARSHMALLOW

  • FLUFF.

  • >>.

  • >> Dave: FLOAT, FLOAT, FLOAT.

  • >> Paul: NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

  • THAT'S A BAD ITEM.

  • DID YOU PICK THAT ITEM?

  • >> Dave:.

  • >> Alan: I DID.

  • >> Paul: AT LEAST HE OWNS UP TOE

  • IT.

  • >> Paul: DEFINITELY FLOAT.

  • >> Dave: PULL UP THE THING AND

  • SEE IF IT FLOATS.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • HI, GIRLS.

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • NICE TO SEE YOU.