ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I HEARD, AND I

JUST HEARD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT,

REMEMBER STAR TREK, THE SHOW

STAR TREK, THE GUY WHO PLAYED

SULU ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY,

DID YOU REALIZE THAT, HE

ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY.

SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

I GOT A -- I WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.

SET YOUR FASERS ON FABULOUS.

>> Paul: AH!

(APPLAUSE)

>> Paul: EITHER WAY.

SHORE.

THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: SO I SAY SET YOUR

TASERS THAT --

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: AND IF YOU ARE GAY,

THEN SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.

UNLIKELY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: BUT WE STARTED OUT THE

WEEK WITH AN OLD FRIEND, AND I

SAID BY GOD IF HE IS STILL IN

TOWN, AND I THINK HE IS IN TOWN

ON BUSINESS.

I SAID GET AHOLD OF HIM AND SEE

IF WE CAN'T FINISH THE WEEK THE

SAME WAY, AN OLD FRIEND OF US

HERE AT THE LATE SHOW, DO ME A

FAVOR, MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME, IT

IS THE GUY ON FIRE.

COME ON OUT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: HE'S IN TOWN ON

BUSINESS.

>> YOU KNOW, THE REAL PROBLEM

WITH THAT IS THE SECONDHAND

SMOKE.

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY.

>> THAT'S WHAT WILL KILL YOU.

>> JUST AS DANGEROUS.

>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT, HOW

ABOUT THIS, TED KOPPEL IS

JOINING US.

>> Paul: OH, REALLY?

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: TED, OF COURSE, WAS THE

FOUNDING FATHER AND HOST OF

NIGHT LINE FOR 25 YEARS, 25

YEARS, THAT'S REMARKABLE.

ABSOLUTELY.

AND HE'S DOING HIS FINAL NIGHT

LINE SHOW

>> Paul: HE IS A GOOD PLAYER.

>> AND THERE IS A -- WE'VE BEEN

HERE IN THE THEATRE, HOW LONG,

12 YEARS.

AND CBS HAS A GROUP OF PAGES.

AND IT'S KIDS RIGHT OUT OF

COLLEGE AND THEY COME HERE AND

WORK FOR A COUPLE YEARS AND WORK

THEIR WAY UP THROUGH THE

BROADCAST BUSINESS.

AND WE FOUND OUT A MONTH OR TWO

AGO THAT THERE IS A GUY HERE WHO

HAS BEEN A PAGE NOT FOR TWO

YEARS, YOU KNOW HOW LONG?

38 YEARS.

38 YEARS.

THAT TELLS YOU THAT SOMETHING IS

WRONG.

I THINK THAT HE IS LOST IN THE

SYSTEM.

>> I SEE.

>> Dave: HE HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED.

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND HAS TURNED

ITS BACK.

SO WE BRING HIM OUT HERE EVERY

NOW AND THEN TO SEE HOW HE IS

DOING.

9 OLDEST PAGE AT CBS, SAY HELLO

TO JOHNNY DARK.

JOHNNY, COME ON OUT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: JOHNNY DARK, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

JOHNNY DARK.

JOHNNY IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE --

>> HANG ON, THE SHOW IS ALMOST

OVER.

>> OH, I SEE, YOU BOUGHT ONE OF

THOSE NEW VIDEO -- VIDEO iPODS,

MAN?

>> OH, MAN, I WOULD NAIL EVERY

ONE OF THOSE DESPERATE

HOUSEWIVES.

>> Dave: SO YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF

AN iPOD, IS THAT THE DEAL?

>> YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I

COULD AFFORD A VIDEO iPOD ON THE

SALARY I MAKE IN THIS DUMP YOU

-- NO, I FOUND IT IN THE

AUDIENCE.

AFTER THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: SO I -- I ASSUME YOU

ARE PLANNING ON RETURNING IT,

RIGHT?

>> WELL, IF I RETURN IT, YOU

MEAN PAWN IT AND GET A WHORE?

>> Dave: WELL, THAT'S JUST --

THAT'S AWFUL.

THAT'S JUST AWFUL.

>> WELL THEN, SURE.

>> Dave: I'M SORRY, JOHNNY, ARE

YOU NOT ALLOWED TO SMOKE IN THE

THEATRE.

I'M SORRY.

>> WELL, REMIND ME TO BRING THAT

UP NEXT TIME YOU BLOW SMOKE UP A

CELEBRITY'S ASS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> OH WHAT DID HE SAY?

>> Dave: NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT

SOMETHING ELSE, JOHNNY.

WE HAD THE BIG MAYORRAL ELECTION

THIS WEEK, DID YOU VOTE?

>> VOTE!

DID YOU GET A BROW LIFT.

>> Dave: NO, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT THAT MEANS.

>> I AIN'T BEEN IN A VOTING

BOOTH SINCE '86.

LONG STORY SHORT, MY PANTS GOT

CAUGHT IN THE LEVER.

>> Dave: OH, NO.

>> NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS

ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.

>> Dave: I WILL BE DARN, THAT'S

TOO BAD.

NOW BEFORE YOU GO, DO YOU HAVE

ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE

WEEKEND?

>> PLANNED?

YEAH, I'VE GOT PLANS.

IF YOU DON'T MIND YOUR OWN

BUSINESS, I PLAN TO KICK YOUR

ASS.

>> Dave: WELL, NOW THAT'S --

>> HEY, SHAFFER.

LET'S TWIST AGAIN.

[♪♪♪]

>> GOOD NIGHT.

>> Dave: MAN, HOW ABOUT THATING

AS THE BATTLE SHAPES UP OVER

PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST SUPREME

COURT NOMINEE THE WHITE HOUSE

CONFESSES -- CONTINUES TO

CONFESS -- TO SET THEIR TA SESS,

TAS, ERS ON STUN, THE WHITE

HOUSE CONTINUES TO MAKE MISSTEPS

THIS ANNOUNCEMENT DREW CRITICISM

ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST

SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, WATCH?

>> PRESIDENT BUSH IS CONFIDENT

THAT SAMUEL ALITO EXPENSE --

EXTENSIVE JUDEICIAN EXPERIENCE

WILL MAKE HIM A MORE VIABLE

NOMINEE THAN HARRIET MIERS

HOWEVER AS THE CONTINUING

SUPPORT HARRIET MIERS -- MAYORS

CONTINUES TO GET FROM THE

PRESIDENT, HE IS ASKING JUDGE

ALITO TO DRESS AS MS. MIERS.

GEORGE W. BUSH NOT TODAY.

>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT?

VERY EXCITING TO LEARN THAT

OPRAH WINFREY'S BROADWAY MUSICAL

"THE COLOR PURPLE" RIGHT ACROSS

THE STREET, RIGHT ACROSS THE

STREET FROM US AT 53rd AND

BROADWAY, AND I WENT OVER THERE

THIS MORNING AND I THOUGHT WELL,

THIS WILL BE EXCITING.

BECAUSE OPRAH IS PRODUCING IT.

AND LIKELY SHE HAD BE THERE,

PERHAPS EVEN IN THE BOX OFFICE

SELLING TICKETS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Paul: YEAH.

>> Dave: SO I GET MY HOPES, I'M

ALL EXCITED.

I GO OVER THERE THIS MORNING AND

ONCE AGAIN, I WAS DASHED.

>> Paul: AH.

>> Dave: YEAH, WATCH.

ISN'T THAT AWFUL?

I CAN'T EVEN -- THEY DON'T WANT

ME --

>> CAN'T EVEN GET INTO THE SHOW.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Paul: AH.

>> Dave: MAYBE I WILL JUST PAWN

IT AND GET A WHORE.

HERE WE GO.

HERE AT THE LATE SHOW WE THINK

IT'S IMPORTANT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

TO LEARN ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS.

WE ALL FEEL THAT WAY, DON'T WE.

>> I FEEL THAT WAY.

>> Dave: EVEN THE HORN SECTION

FEELS THAT WAY.

>> YES, THEY DO.

>> Dave: WE'RE STARTING A NEW

FEATURE CALLED WEEK IN REVIEW

FOR KIDS STARRING OUR FRIEND

DELI OWNER RUPERT G.

TAKE IT AWAY, RUPERT G, WEEK IN

REVIEW FOR KIDS.

>> HI, KIDS.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF

THIS WEEK'S NEWS STORIES WITH MY

LITTLE BUDDY Mr. CURRENT EVENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I'M MICHAEL BROWN, I WRITE

CRAZY E-MAILS.

>> VERY NICE, MR. CURRENT

EVENTS.

WHO ELSE IS IN THE NEWS.

>> I'M TERRELL OWENS.

I CAN'T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

>> WOW!.

ANYONE ELSE THE KIDS AT HOME

SHOULD KNOW ABOUT Mr. CURRENT

EVENTS?

>> I AM SADDAM HUSSEIN, I'M

GETTING READY FOR MY TRIAL LATER

THIS WEEK.

>> O, SADDAM HUSSEIN, ARE YOU A

BAD MAN, HERE IS WHAT I THINK OF

YOU.

WELL, KIDS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME,

STAY IN SCHOOL.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Dave: MAYBE WE SHOULD OPEN

THAT ONE OUT OF TOWN.

>> Paul: I WAS GOING TO SAY.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Dave: YOU GO IN THERE

TOMORROW, IT WILL BE IN THE CASE

IT WILL BE IN THE CASE.

>>

IN THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

TED KOPPEL IS HERE TONIGHT, AN

TREY AN STASIO, AND IT'S -- WHEN

YOU THINK ABOUT, TOM BROKAW

RETIRED, DAN RATHER DETIRED,

PETER JENNINGS PASSED AWAY, TED

KOPPEL IS RETIRING.

ALL OF THE GREATS, THE IT WILL

BE TOUGH TO FILL.

>> Paul: CHANGING OF THE GUARD

TOO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOSTING OR

BEING PART OF A SHOW FOR 25

YEARS?

>> HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN GOING?

>> I DON'T KNOW T SEEMS LIKE AT

LEAST TWICE THAT LONG.

OR MAYBE IT'S JUST TONIGHT.

LET ME -- LET ME SET MY TASERO

ON SOMETHING.

PARDON ME MAN, DOW MIND IF I SET

MY TEAR --

CONTAINER IT WILL FLOAT.

>> Paul: ONE CONTAINER, I SEE, A

BIG HUGE BOTTLE OF IT.

>> Dave: D LIKE RANCH

DRESSING.

>> LOVE IT.

>> Dave: HOW ABOUT YOU, PAUL.

>> Paul: HATE IT.

>> Dave: YEAH?

>> NEVER WOULD TOUCH IT.

>> Dave: I HAVE NEVER BEEN FOND

OF IT EITHER.

>> Paul: IT IS A MIGRAINE

TIGGER.

>> Dave: PAUL, -- TRIGGER, PAUL,

YOU KNOW -- GOD KNOWS I HAVE

GREAT SYMPATHY FOR YOU AND YOUR

MIGRAINES, AND I KNOW YOU HAVE

BEEN FIGHTING A BATTLE VALIANTLY

FOR YEARS NOW, AND PRETTY MUCH

THEY ARE UNDER CONTROL.

BUT IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE EVERY

TIME WE PLAY WILL IT FLOAT,