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  • >> Dave: NOW HERE IS AN

  • ANNOUNCEMENT THAT I HEARD, AND I

  • JUST HEARD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT,

  • REMEMBER STAR TREK, THE SHOW

  • STAR TREK, THE GUY WHO PLAYED

  • SULU ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY,

  • DID YOU REALIZE THAT, HE

  • ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS GAY.

  • SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: WHAT?

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • I GOT A -- I WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.

  • SET YOUR FASERS ON FABULOUS.

  • >> Paul: AH!

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Paul: EITHER WAY.

  • SHORE.

  • THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SO I SAY SET YOUR

  • TASERS THAT --

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: AND IF YOU ARE GAY,

  • THEN SET YOUR TASERS ON STUN.

  • UNLIKELY.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: BUT WE STARTED OUT THE

  • WEEK WITH AN OLD FRIEND, AND I

  • SAID BY GOD IF HE IS STILL IN

  • TOWN, AND I THINK HE IS IN TOWN

  • ON BUSINESS.

  • I SAID GET AHOLD OF HIM AND SEE

  • IF WE CAN'T FINISH THE WEEK THE

  • SAME WAY, AN OLD FRIEND OF US

  • HERE AT THE LATE SHOW, DO ME A

  • FAVOR, MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME, IT

  • IS THE GUY ON FIRE.

  • COME ON OUT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: HE'S IN TOWN ON

  • BUSINESS.

  • >> YOU KNOW, THE REAL PROBLEM

  • WITH THAT IS THE SECONDHAND

  • SMOKE.

  • >> I WAS GOING TO SAY.

  • >> THAT'S WHAT WILL KILL YOU.

  • >> JUST AS DANGEROUS.

  • >> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

  • ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT, HOW

  • ABOUT THIS, TED KOPPEL IS

  • JOINING US.

  • >> Paul: OH, REALLY?

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: TED, OF COURSE, WAS THE

  • FOUNDING FATHER AND HOST OF

  • NIGHT LINE FOR 25 YEARS, 25

  • YEARS, THAT'S REMARKABLE.

  • ABSOLUTELY.

  • AND HE'S DOING HIS FINAL NIGHT

  • LINE SHOW

  • >> Paul: HE IS A GOOD PLAYER.

  • >> AND THERE IS A -- WE'VE BEEN

  • HERE IN THE THEATRE, HOW LONG,

  • 12 YEARS.

  • AND CBS HAS A GROUP OF PAGES.

  • AND IT'S KIDS RIGHT OUT OF

  • COLLEGE AND THEY COME HERE AND

  • WORK FOR A COUPLE YEARS AND WORK

  • THEIR WAY UP THROUGH THE

  • BROADCAST BUSINESS.

  • AND WE FOUND OUT A MONTH OR TWO

  • AGO THAT THERE IS A GUY HERE WHO

  • HAS BEEN A PAGE NOT FOR TWO

  • YEARS, YOU KNOW HOW LONG?

  • 38 YEARS.

  • 38 YEARS.

  • THAT TELLS YOU THAT SOMETHING IS

  • WRONG.

  • I THINK THAT HE IS LOST IN THE

  • SYSTEM.

  • >> I SEE.

  • >> Dave: HE HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED.

  • NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND HAS TURNED

  • ITS BACK.

  • SO WE BRING HIM OUT HERE EVERY

  • NOW AND THEN TO SEE HOW HE IS

  • DOING.

  • 9 OLDEST PAGE AT CBS, SAY HELLO

  • TO JOHNNY DARK.

  • JOHNNY, COME ON OUT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: JOHNNY DARK, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN.

  • JOHNNY DARK.

  • JOHNNY IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE --

  • >> HANG ON, THE SHOW IS ALMOST

  • OVER.

  • >> OH, I SEE, YOU BOUGHT ONE OF

  • THOSE NEW VIDEO -- VIDEO iPODS,

  • MAN?

  • >> OH, MAN, I WOULD NAIL EVERY

  • ONE OF THOSE DESPERATE

  • HOUSEWIVES.

  • >> Dave: SO YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF

  • AN iPOD, IS THAT THE DEAL?

  • >> YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I

  • COULD AFFORD A VIDEO iPOD ON THE

  • SALARY I MAKE IN THIS DUMP YOU

  • -- NO, I FOUND IT IN THE

  • AUDIENCE.

  • AFTER THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SO I -- I ASSUME YOU

  • ARE PLANNING ON RETURNING IT,

  • RIGHT?

  • >> WELL, IF I RETURN IT, YOU

  • MEAN PAWN IT AND GET A WHORE?

  • >> Dave: WELL, THAT'S JUST --

  • THAT'S AWFUL.

  • THAT'S JUST AWFUL.

  • >> WELL THEN, SURE.

  • >> Dave: I'M SORRY, JOHNNY, ARE

  • YOU NOT ALLOWED TO SMOKE IN THE

  • THEATRE.

  • I'M SORRY.

  • >> WELL, REMIND ME TO BRING THAT

  • UP NEXT TIME YOU BLOW SMOKE UP A

  • CELEBRITY'S ASS.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> OH WHAT DID HE SAY?

  • >> Dave: NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT

  • SOMETHING ELSE, JOHNNY.

  • WE HAD THE BIG MAYORRAL ELECTION

  • THIS WEEK, DID YOU VOTE?

  • >> VOTE!

  • DID YOU GET A BROW LIFT.

  • >> Dave: NO, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

  • WHAT THAT MEANS.

  • >> I AIN'T BEEN IN A VOTING

  • BOOTH SINCE '86.

  • LONG STORY SHORT, MY PANTS GOT

  • CAUGHT IN THE LEVER.

  • >> Dave: OH, NO.

  • >> NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS

  • ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.

  • >> Dave: I WILL BE DARN, THAT'S

  • TOO BAD.

  • NOW BEFORE YOU GO, DO YOU HAVE

  • ANYTHING PLANNED FOR THE

  • WEEKEND?

  • >> PLANNED?

  • YEAH, I'VE GOT PLANS.

  • IF YOU DON'T MIND YOUR OWN

  • BUSINESS, I PLAN TO KICK YOUR

  • ASS.

  • >> Dave: WELL, NOW THAT'S --

  • >> HEY, SHAFFER.

  • LET'S TWIST AGAIN.

  • [♪♪♪]

  • >> GOOD NIGHT.

  • >> Dave: MAN, HOW ABOUT THATING

  • AS THE BATTLE SHAPES UP OVER

  • PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST SUPREME

  • COURT NOMINEE THE WHITE HOUSE

  • CONFESSES -- CONTINUES TO

  • CONFESS -- TO SET THEIR TA SESS,

  • TAS, ERS ON STUN, THE WHITE

  • HOUSE CONTINUES TO MAKE MISSTEPS

  • THIS ANNOUNCEMENT DREW CRITICISM

  • ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH'S LATEST

  • SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, WATCH?

  • >> PRESIDENT BUSH IS CONFIDENT

  • THAT SAMUEL ALITO EXPENSE --

  • EXTENSIVE JUDEICIAN EXPERIENCE

  • WILL MAKE HIM A MORE VIABLE

  • NOMINEE THAN HARRIET MIERS

  • HOWEVER AS THE CONTINUING

  • SUPPORT HARRIET MIERS -- MAYORS

  • CONTINUES TO GET FROM THE

  • PRESIDENT, HE IS ASKING JUDGE

  • ALITO TO DRESS AS MS. MIERS.

  • GEORGE W. BUSH NOT TODAY.

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • VERY EXCITING TO LEARN THAT

  • OPRAH WINFREY'S BROADWAY MUSICAL

  • "THE COLOR PURPLE" RIGHT ACROSS

  • THE STREET, RIGHT ACROSS THE

  • STREET FROM US AT 53rd AND

  • BROADWAY, AND I WENT OVER THERE

  • THIS MORNING AND I THOUGHT WELL,

  • THIS WILL BE EXCITING.

  • BECAUSE OPRAH IS PRODUCING IT.

  • AND LIKELY SHE HAD BE THERE,

  • PERHAPS EVEN IN THE BOX OFFICE

  • SELLING TICKETS.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Paul: YEAH.

  • >> Dave: SO I GET MY HOPES, I'M

  • ALL EXCITED.

  • I GO OVER THERE THIS MORNING AND

  • ONCE AGAIN, I WAS DASHED.

  • >> Paul: AH.

  • >> Dave: YEAH, WATCH.

  • ISN'T THAT AWFUL?

  • I CAN'T EVEN -- THEY DON'T WANT

  • ME --

  • >> CAN'T EVEN GET INTO THE SHOW.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Paul: AH.

  • >> Dave: MAYBE I WILL JUST PAWN

  • IT AND GET A WHORE.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • HERE AT THE LATE SHOW WE THINK

  • IT'S IMPORTANT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

  • TO LEARN ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS.

  • WE ALL FEEL THAT WAY, DON'T WE.

  • >> I FEEL THAT WAY.

  • >> Dave: EVEN THE HORN SECTION

  • FEELS THAT WAY.

  • >> YES, THEY DO.

  • >> Dave: WE'RE STARTING A NEW

  • FEATURE CALLED WEEK IN REVIEW

  • FOR KIDS STARRING OUR FRIEND

  • DELI OWNER RUPERT G.

  • TAKE IT AWAY, RUPERT G, WEEK IN

  • REVIEW FOR KIDS.

  • >> HI, KIDS.

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME OF

  • THIS WEEK'S NEWS STORIES WITH MY

  • LITTLE BUDDY Mr. CURRENT EVENTS.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> I'M MICHAEL BROWN, I WRITE

  • CRAZY E-MAILS.

  • >> VERY NICE, MR. CURRENT

  • EVENTS.

  • WHO ELSE IS IN THE NEWS.

  • >> I'M TERRELL OWENS.

  • I CAN'T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

  • >> WOW!.

  • ANYONE ELSE THE KIDS AT HOME

  • SHOULD KNOW ABOUT Mr. CURRENT

  • EVENTS?

  • >> I AM SADDAM HUSSEIN, I'M

  • GETTING READY FOR MY TRIAL LATER

  • THIS WEEK.

  • >> O, SADDAM HUSSEIN, ARE YOU A

  • BAD MAN, HERE IS WHAT I THINK OF

  • YOU.

  • WELL, KIDS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME,

  • STAY IN SCHOOL.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: MAYBE WE SHOULD OPEN

  • THAT ONE OUT OF TOWN.

  • >> Paul: I WAS GOING TO SAY.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: YOU GO IN THERE

  • TOMORROW, IT WILL BE IN THE CASE

  • IT WILL BE IN THE CASE.

  • >>

  • IN THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

  • MUCH.

  • TED KOPPEL IS HERE TONIGHT, AN

  • TREY AN STASIO, AND IT'S -- WHEN

  • YOU THINK ABOUT, TOM BROKAW

  • RETIRED, DAN RATHER DETIRED,

  • PETER JENNINGS PASSED AWAY, TED

  • KOPPEL IS RETIRING.

  • ALL OF THE GREATS, THE IT WILL

  • BE TOUGH TO FILL.

  • >> Paul: CHANGING OF THE GUARD

  • TOO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOSTING OR

  • BEING PART OF A SHOW FOR 25

  • YEARS?

  • >> HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN GOING?

  • >> I DON'T KNOW T SEEMS LIKE AT