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  • APPLAUSE )

  • THANK YOU.

  • I JUST GOT HERE.

  • YOU KNOW, THE BIG... YOU EVER

  • THINK ABOUT THIS?

  • LIKE IN OCTOBER THEY GO OUT TO

  • SOME FARMER, AND THIS REALLY

  • UPSETS ME, THEY FIND A TREE

  • THAT'S 100 YEARS OLD, AND THEY

  • GO OUT TO SOME FARMER AND GIVE

  • HIM $40 FOR THE TREE.

  • THEN THEY SAY YOU'LL BE FAMOUS

  • BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO PUT YOUR

  • TREE AT ROCKEFELLER PLAZA AND

  • THAT WILL BE THE BIG CHRISTMAS

  • TREE.

  • SO THE FARMER GETS ALL EXCITED

  • BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE

  • FAMOUS.

  • >> Paul: SURE.

  • >> Dave: THAT $40 IS BURNING A

  • HOLE IN ANYBODY'S POCKET.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • THEN THEY HAUL THE THING DOWN,

  • AND THEN... BUT YOU FWHEFER HEAR

  • WHAT HAPPENS TO THE TREE WHEN

  • THE HOLIDAYS ARE FINISHED.

  • DO YOU?

  • >> Paul: I NEVER THOUGHT OF

  • THAT.

  • >> Dave: EXACTLY.

  • >> Paul: WHAT DOES HAPPEN TO

  • THE TREE?

  • >> Dave: I'LL SHOW YOU.

  • WE HAVE PHOTOGRAPH OF WHAT THEY

  • DO WITH THE ROCKEFELLER PLAZA

  • CHRISTMAS TREE AT THE END OF THE

  • HOLIDAY SEASON.

  • TAKE A LOOK, WATCH THIS, THERE

  • IT IS, RIGHT THERE.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • AND THEN SOMEBODY WILL COME AND

  • PICK IT UP.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Paul: SO THAT'S WHAT THEY

  • DO.

  • >> Dave: OUT OF THE 364 BAD

  • DAY, THIS WOULD BE ONE OF THEM.

  • >> Paul: I WOULD SAY, YES.

  • I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE,

  • HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS ARE ON A

  • NO-CARB DIET?

  • HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS DON'T LEAD

  • ANY CARBS?

  • THAT'S A LOAD OF CRAP THAT DIET.

  • >> Paul: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

  • ABOUT?

  • >> Dave: IF YOU BREAK DOWN

  • FOODS TWO THREE CATEGORY, FOODS

  • THAT ARE SO-SO, FOODS THAT TASTE

  • GOOD, FOODS THAT ARE REALLY

  • TASTY, ALL YOUR CATEGORY REALLY

  • TASTY ARE CARBS.

  • THAT OTHER STUFF IS WASTE OF

  • TIME.

  • I EAT NOTHING BUT CARBS.

  • >> Paul: NOTHING BUT CARBS?

  • >> Dave: NOTHING BUT

  • CARBOHYDRATES.

  • >> Paul: YOU'RE SKINNY AS A

  • RAIL.

  • >> Dave: LOOK AT THAT.

  • >> Paul: HOW DO YOU DO IT?

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • >> Dave: NOTHING BUT

  • CARBOHYDRATES.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • THANK YOU.

  • AND, AND ALSO I'M ON STEROIDS.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Paul: WELL, THAT, I'VE

  • KNOWN THAT FOR YEARS.

  • YOU LOVE THEM.

  • >> Dave: THEY GIVE ME THAT

  • COMPETITIVE EDGE.

  • I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ASTERISK.

  • I ENJOY THEM.

  • >> Paul: YOU MEAN THE SMALL

  • PRINT?

  • >> Dave: YEAH, I DON'T CARE.

  • >> Paul: I SEE.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: LET ME SEE.

  • DO WE HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH OF ME

  • BEFORE THE STEROIDS?

  • YOU WON'T... LOOK AT THAT.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • LOOK HOW PATHETIC I LOOKED.

  • >> Paul: PATHETICMENT

  • >> Dave: THAT WAS BEFORE THE

  • STEROIDS.

  • WOULD YOU WATCH THAT GUY'S TV

  • SHOW?

  • >> Paul: DO YOU HAVE AN AFTER?

  • >> Dave: HERE I AM AFTER THE

  • STEROIDS.

  • LOOK AT THAT, JUST TREMENDOUS.

  • >> Paul: WHOA, YES.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • YOU ARE.

  • >> Dave: CARBS AND STEROIDS.

  • OH, BY THE WAY, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR... THIS

  • IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE DONE IT

  • THIS YEAR.

  • I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE EVER DONE

  • THIS ONE BEFORE.

  • GEORGE W. BUSH COMES CLEAN.

  • >> Paul: OH.

  • >> Dave: GEORGE W. BUSH, OUR

  • PRESIDENT, HAS SOMETHING TO TELL

  • YOU.

  • >> Paul: REALLY?

  • >> I'M NOT DOING A VERY GOOD

  • JOB.

  • ( LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE )

  • COX-2 INHIBITOR, WHOA.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S HIS

  • RESOLUTION.

  • >> Dave: MY RESOLUTION IS TO

  • USE IN CONVERSATION HERE ON THE

  • SHOW MORE FREQUENTLY THE WORD

  • "SNARKY."

  • >> Paul: YOU MENTIONED THAT

  • LAST MONDAY.

  • >> Dave: I'M TRYING TO WORK IT

  • IN MORE FREQUENTLY.

  • >> Paul: HOW'S IT GOING?

  • >> Dave: NOT SO GOOD, BUT IT'S

  • EARLY AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THE

  • DAY GOES UNTIL YOU SEE THE

  • SUNSET.

  • QUEEN ELIZABETH, FINALLY MASTER

  • THE GRANSD THEFT AUTO.

  • THAT'S HER RESOLUTION.

  • PAUL, THAT WOULD BE THE CROWN.

  • SHE'S WEARING THE CROWN.

  • >> Paul: THAT IS

  • >> Dave: THAT'S THE QUEEN, THE

  • ROYAL JEWELRY AND STUFF.

  • HOW OFTEN DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE

  • WEARS THE CROWN?

  • >> Paul: SHE WEARS IT ON ALL

  • MATTERS OF CROWN, CROWN MATTERS.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • IT DOESN'T MATTER.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Dave: ARE YOU RUNNING A

  • FEVER?

  • >> Paul: SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE

  • WRONG WITH ME?

  • I'M FINE.

  • >> Dave: YOU'RE FINE.

  • MICHAEL MOORE, MAKE HARD-HITTING

  • DOCUMENTARY FILM ON WHY PANTS

  • NEVER SEEM TO FIT FOR TOO LONG.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • SEE THAT S ON HIS HAT THERE

  • >> Paul: WHAT COULD THAT STAND

  • FOR?

  • >> Dave: SNARKY.

  • >> Paul: YOU'VE DONE

  • THAT'S HIS CELEBRITY RESOLUTION.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • MULLAH OMAR, MULLAH OMAR, HIS

  • RESOLUTION, CUT BACK ON SWEETS.

  • >> Paul: WAIT A MINUTE.

  • THAT WAS FUNNY UNTIL DIFFERENT

  • WORDS CAME UP.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Dave: WHAT HAPPENED?

  • WHAT DID I SAY?

  • I SAID CUT BACK ON SWEETS.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S FUNNY.

  • >> Dave: WHAT DID MIEW

  • >> Paul: YOUR'S IS FUNNIER.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU.

  • >> Paul: CUT BACK ON SWEETS.

  • >> Dave: ALL RIGHT.

  • CELEBRITY RESOLUTIONS.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING, AND I

  • FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE...

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • ALEX TREBEK, CELEBRITY

  • RESOLUTIONS, ALEX TREBEK, HE'S

  • GOING TO CUT BACK ON SWEETS.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • BUT HE'S... NO, THERE HE IS.

  • GOING TO FINALLY RECONCILE WITH

  • HIS LONG-ESTRANGED MOUSTACHE.

  • >> Paul: THAT WAS PROBABLY

  • RIGHT FOR ALEX TREBEK.

  • >> Dave: HAD A LITTLE SWITCHER

  • ARE THERE.

  • A LITTLE ?AF TOO.

  • >> Paul: SNARKY.

  • >> Dave: HALLE BERRY, SLEEP

  • WITH THE HUNKY DAVE LETTERMAN.

  • THAT'S WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO.

  • I'M GOING TO... I'M GOING TO

  • HAVE TO GO TO THE JUDGE ON THIS.

  • IS THERE ANY POINT IN

  • CONTINUING?

  • EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE OUT OF

  • WHACK TONIGHT.

  • >> I'VE NOTICED THAT.

  • >> Dave: AS HOST, WHAT SHOULD

  • I DO?

  • I WANT THE HANDLE THIS IN THE

  • MOST GRACIOUS WAY POSSIBLE.

  • >> WE'RE DOUBLE CHECKING RIGHT

  • NOW.

  • >> Dave: YOU'RE GOING TO

  • DOUBLE CHECK.

  • SO AGAIN, WHAT DO I DO WHILE

  • YOU'RE DOUBLE CHECKING?

  • WHAT EXACTLY DO I DO?

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU TO

  • CONTINUE.

  • YOU MAY CONTINUE.

  • >> Dave: I MAY CONTINUE.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Paul: CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN

  • RISK.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: CELEBRITY

  • RESOLUTIONS.

  • ME, DAVE LETTERMAN, CREATE

  • INGENIOUS PLAN TO SEDUCE HALLE

  • BERRY.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • THIS WAS AFTER DOUBLE CHECKING.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • I WAS GIVEN THE GROAN LIGHT.

  • >> Paul: GO AHEAD.

  • >> Dave: SORRY.

  • >> ONE MORE TIME.

  • >> Dave: TRY IT UP WITH MORE

  • TIME... THE ONE I JUST DID?

  • >> Paul: GOING TO GET A BIG

  • REACTION.

  • >> Dave: IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE

  • WHEN THEY SEE THIS ONE.

  • DAVE LETTERMAN, CREATE INGENIOUS

  • PLAN TO SEDUCE HALLE BERRY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • TOM BRO CAUTIOUS, OUR GOOD

  • FRIEND TOM BROKAW.

  • HE'S RETIRED.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> Dave: HIS RESOLUTION, SIT

  • ON HIS ASS, DRINK BEER AND WATCH

  • THE NEW GUY SCREW UP.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • GEORGE W. BUSH, PARE DOWN

  • GRILLING FOUR-HOUR-A-WEEK

  • SCHEDULE.

  • FUNNY WE HAVE TO PROBLEM WITH

  • THE ONES THAT AREN'T FUNNY.

  • YOU NOTICE THAT?

  • >> Paul: YEAH.

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • COURTNEY LOVE, NOT GOING TO DO A

  • DAMN THING DIFFERENTLY.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • GET READY.

  • FINALLY, RON ARTEST, SOMEONE

  • BREAKS A RESOLUTION, THEY GET

  • THE CRAP KICKED OUT OF THEM.

  • CELEBRITY RESOLUTIONS

  • YOU KNOW, EVERY NOW AND THEN A

  • TELEVISION PROGRAM COMES ALONG

  • THAT JUST SHAKES THE COUNTRY AND

  • GETS EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION AND

  • THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS TALKING

  • ABOUT IT, SO IT SEEMS.

  • >> Paul: YES.

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

  • TALKING ABOUT?

  • >> Dave: LONELY HOUSEWIVES.

  • >> Paul: DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

  • >> Dave: WHAT IS IT?

  • >> Paul: DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

  • >> Dave: HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS

  • WATCH DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

  • >> Paul: EVERYBODY'S TALKING

  • ABOUT THAT.

  • >> Dave: IT'S EXCITING.

  • WHAT THEY DO IS PUT A BUNCH OF

  • DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES IN A HOUSE.

  • >> Paul: YES.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Dave: AND THEN WE GET TO

  • SEE ALL OF THEIR ACTIVITIES.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S HOW IT IS?

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • IT'S EXCITING AND PEOPLE LOVE

  • IT.

  • OUR OWN ALAN KALTER IS IN A SHOW

  • SIMILAR.

  • THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

  • THERE WILL BE ONE HIT SHOW AND

  • THEN EVERYBODY, LIKE SURVIVOR,

  • THEN THEY HAVE THE OTHER SHOWS.

  • >> Paul: THEY KNOCK 'EM OFF.

  • >> Dave: EXACTLY, KNOCKOFF

  • SHOWS.

  • >> Alan: WE HAVE A SHOW CALLED

  • LONELY HOUSE GALS.

  • >> Dave: LONELY HOUSE GALS.

  • >> Dave: NOT DESPERATE

  • HOUSEWIVES?

  • >> Alan: NO, WE GO MUCH

  • FARTHER.

  • WE BREAK ALL THE RULES.

  • >> Dave: LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

  • ROLL IT.

  • >> Alan: I FINISHED MOWING IF

  • LAWN.

  • WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE?

  • >> I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE'RE

  • FINISHED, LAWN BOY.

  • WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET.

  • >> Dave: WOW.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • TYPE DAVE LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A

  • HIT ON YOUR HANDS THERE, ALAN.

  • >> Alan: I THINK WE DO

  • >> Dave: ISN'T THAT THE SAME

  • AS DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES?

  • ISN'T THAT ABOUT THE SAME DEAL.

  • >> Paul: I THOUGHT IT LOOKED

  • LIKE THAT

  • >> Alan: WANT TO SEE ANOTHER

  • CLIP?

  • >> Dave: , NO I DON'T.

  • >> Paul: OH, MAN.

  • >> Dave: I THINK WE'VE BROKEN

  • ENOUGH RULES FOR ONE NIGHT,

  • ALAN.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NOW IT'S

  • TIME TO PLAY WILL IT FLOAT.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • WILL IT FLOAT

  • WILL IT FLOAT

  • WILL IT FLOAT

  • WILL IT FLOAT ♪♪

  • >> Dave: THIS IS SOMETHING

  • EVERYBODY IS TALKING ABOUT, WILL

  • IT FLOAT.

  • THIS WAS THE NUMBER-ONE SELLING

  • PARTY GAME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Paul: YEAH, IT DID WELL.

  • >> Dave: IN ALL OF NORTH

  • AMERICA.

  • THE WILL IT FLOAT HOME GAME.

  • EVERYTHING IN ONE BOX.

  • YOU CAN HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS WE

  • HAVE HERE IN THE THEATER.

  • WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR TONIGHT?

  • >> Alan: DAVE, TONIGHT WE'RE

  • PLAYING FOR A BRAND-NEW

  • SNOWMOBILE.

  • BACK TO YOU, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: WHAT'S TONIGHT'S ITEM

  • TO BE FLOATED.

  • >> Alan: TONIGHT IT'S A PAN OF

  • LASAGNA.

  • >> Dave: PAN OF LA ZAUN YA.

  • LIKE HOME-MADE LASAGNA?

  • >> Alan: POEM MADE.

  • >> Dave: WHAT KIND OF PAN?

  • >> Alan: A GLASS PAN, ABOUT

  • THREE POUNDS.

  • >> Dave: WHO MADE THE LASAGNA?

  • >> I MADE THE LA ZAUN YA.

  • >> Dave: YOU DIDN'T.

  • ALANIAN

  • >> Paul: THAT'S KEY.

  • WHO MADE IT.

  • IF IT'S NORTHERN ITALIAN, IT

  • WOULD BE LIGHT.

  • IF IT'S SICILIAN, IT WOULD SINK

  • LIKE A STONE.

  • WITHOUT THAT INFORMATION, WE'RE

  • GUESSING.

  • >> Alan: A LITTLE OF EACH, A

  • LITTLE SICILIAN, A LITTLE LIGHT.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Dave: IT WILL SINK.

  • DON'T YOU THINK IT WILL SINK?

  • >> Paul: I THINK IT WILL SINK

  • TOO.

  • >> Dave: I SAY IT WILL SINK.

  • PAUL SAYS IT WILL SINK.

  • RAISE THE DEAL.

  • LET'S PLAY WILL IT SINK.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • HI, GIRLS.

APPLAUSE )

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