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  • THIS WAS CRAZY, THEY HAD LIKE

  • A TREE TRIMMING CONTEST IN THE

  • SLAMMER WHERE MARTHA IS.

  • IN THE CAN, DOWN THERE IN THE

  • OLD GRAY BAR HOTEL.

  • AND GUESS WHAT, MARTHA STEWART,

  • HER TEAM, DID NOT WIN THE TREE

  • TRIMMING CONTEST.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • ANOTHER TEAM ACTUALLY DEFEATED

  • HER IN THE TREE TRIMMING

  • CONTEST.

  • BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS LATER

  • THAT NIGHT IN THE SHOWERS,

  • MARTHA WON A KNIFE FIGHT.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • HERE'S EXCITING NEWS FROM THE

  • WORLD OF BASEBALL.

  • THE NEW YORK YANKEES SIGNED

  • RANDY JOHNSON, FROM THE

  • ARIZONA DIAMOND BAEBLGS.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • RANDY JOHNSON.

  • THE YANKEES PICKED HIM UP FOR

  • $48 MILLION.

  • 48 MILLION.

  • JOHNSON IS DESCRIBED AS A

  • CRANKY LONER.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • AND I BELIEVE THAT'S THE MOST

  • MONEY ANYBODY EVER PAID FOR A

  • CRANKY LONER SINCE CBS HIRED

  • ME.

  • DID YOU MAKE ANY NEW YEAR'S

  • RESOLUTIONS?

  • >> Paul: NO, I DIDN'T.

  • DID YOU?

  • >> Dave: YES, I HAVE ONE.

  • I'M GOING TO TRY THIS YEAR,

  • AND I'M GOING TO REALLY DO MY

  • BEST TO MAKE AN EFFORTS, I'M

  • GOING TO TRY IN CONVERSATIONS

  • HERE ON THE SHOW TO USE MORE

  • FREQUENTLY THE WORD IS THAT

  • CORRECTY.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Paul: REALLY?

  • GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

  • >> Dave: THAT QUESTION IS

  • INTERESTING, BUT I DETECTED

  • KINDF A SNARKY TONE.

  • >> Paul: THERE YOU GO, ALREADY

  • FULFILLING YOUR RESOLUTION.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • >> Paul: I HAVE A RESOLUTION.

  • I'M GOING TO STOP SAYING

  • THINGS LIKE, WELL, HOW GREAT

  • IS THAT, I'M GOING TO STOP

  • SAYING THAT, WHEN I REALLY

  • MEAN, THAT'S GREAT.

  • I'M JUST GOING TO SAY THAT'S

  • GREAT.

  • I'M NOT GOING TO SAY HOW GREAT

  • IS THAT?

  • I'M GOING TO SAY THAT'S GREAT.

  • >> Dave: YOU BRING UP A COUPLE

  • OF EXTRA POINTS.

  • ONE, EVERY FOOTBALL STADIUM IN

  • AMERICA HAS SOME MORON WHO

  • SHOWS UP WITH THE BIG

  • CARDBOARD LETTER D, AND THE

  • BIG CARDBOARD FENCE.

  • AND HE'S HOPPING UP AND DOWN

  • LIKE THIS, WE DON'T WANT TO

  • SEE THAT AGAIN.

  • >> Paul: OKAY.

  • >> David: IT WAS CLEVER ONCE,

  • IN 1952.

  • WHEN A GUY SAID I'M TAKING A D,

  • GREAT, I'M BRINGING THE FENCE.

  • ONCE.

  • BUT NOW WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR

  • THAT EVER AGAIN.

  • >> Paul: I'LL STOP DOING THAT

  • THEN.

  • I WON'T DO THAT ANY MORE.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: AND HERE'S SOMETHING

  • WHEN IT FIRST HAPPENED I LOVED

  • IT AND I WAS DOING IT MYSELF

  • AND LATER IT MADE ME SICK, NOW

  • WHEN EVER I HEAR IT I GET

  • SICKENED BY IT.

  • IF SOMEBODY IS BEING

  • INTERVIEWED AND THEY WILL ASK

  • AND ANSWER THEIR OWN QUESTION.

  • THEY WILL ASK THEMSELVES A

  • QUESTION AND THEN ANSWER IT.

  • >> Paul: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

  • >> Dave: DO I DAVE LETTERMAN

  • WISH IT WAS NOT QUITE SO

  • CHILLY OUTSIDE?

  • YES.

  • >> Paul: I SEE.

  • >> Dave: YES, I WISH IT WAS

  • NOT QUITE SO CHILLY OUTSIDE.

  • DO I DAVE LETTERMAN WISH I

  • WOULD STOP ANSWERING MY OWN

  • QUESTIONS?

  • YES, I'D HAVE TO SAY THE

  • ANSWER TO THAT IS YES, I WISH

  • I W

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: SNARKY.

  • WASN'T THAT SNARKY?

  • >> Paul: HOW GREAT WAS THAT,

  • HOW FUNNY WAS THAT?

  • >> Dave: AM I BEING TO SNARKY?

  • YES, I THINK I AM BEING TOO

  • SNARKY.

  • WOULD I LIKE TO BE LESS

  • SNARKY?

  • YES, I WOULD LIKE TO BE LESS

  • SNARKY.

  • GOD BLESS FOX BECAUSE

  • EVERYBODY AT THE FOX

  • TELEVISION NETWORK IS NUTS.

  • THEY'RE JUST NUTS, WHATEVER

  • THEY DO IS CRAZY, THEY'RE JUST

  • WHACKY, THEY'RE GOOFY, THEY

  • GOT A BRAND NEW SHOW, IT A

  • CRAZY NEW SHOW.

  • HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW SHOW?

  • THE NEW SHOW, AND I'M NOT

  • GOING TO TELL YOU THE NAME OF

  • THE SHOW, JUST WATCH THIS AND

  • TELL ME IF YOU DON'T THINK

  • IT'S JUST NUTS.

  • >> TONIGHT ON WHO'S YOUR DADDY,

  • WATCH AS CONTESTANT COMPETE

  • FOR $100,000.

  • A WOMAN WHO WAS PUT UP FOR

  • ADOPTION MEETS 8 MEN AND TRI

  • TO DETERMINE WHICH ONE IS HER

  • BIOLOGICAL FATHER.

  • FOX, WE'RE

  • >> HOW YOU DOING, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: GOOD TO SEE YOU,

  • BIFF.

  • >> GOOD TO SEE YOU DAVE.

  • >> Dave: I KNOW YOU HAVE A

  • VIDEOTAPE, BUT I JUST WANT TO

  • MENTION THAT ONCE AGAIN THIS

  • YEAR YOU WERE NICE ENOUGH,

  • PAUL WAS NICE ENOUGH, OUR GOOD

  • FRIEND TOM GREESON WAS FUNNY

  • ENOUGH AND THE LATE SHOW HULA

  • HOOP GIRL AND THE GRINDER GIRL

  • ALL OF US WENT TO IRAQ FOR

  • CHRISTMAS EVE, AND WE HAD A

  • TREMENDOUS TRIP.

  • >> IT WAS WONDERFUL.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: A LOT OF FUN.

  • >> YES IT WAS.

  • >> Dave: WENT TO KUWAIT AND

  • THEN THREE CITIES IN IRAQ AND

  • BACK TO KUWAIT AND EVERYTHING

  • WAS FINE.

  • >> EVERYTHING WAS WONDERFUL.

  • THE MORALE OF THE TROOPS IS UP,

  • I THINK WE'RE DOING A

  • FANTASTIC JOB OVER THERE, IN

  • OUR EFFORT.

  • AND I'M JUST PROUD OF EVERYONE

  • OVER THERE.

  • >> Dave: THEY WERE VERY NICE,

  • THEY PRETENDED TO BE EXCITED

  • TO SEE US, WHICH MEANT A GREAT

  • DEAL TO ME.

  • >> I'M SURE, BUT THEY WEREN'T

  • PRETENDING.

  • THEY WERE HAPPY TO SEE US.

  • IT WAS GOOD.

  • >> Dave: IT WAS A GREAT TRIP.

  • >> ONE OF THE BEST FEELINGS

  • I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE DHOOG

  • KIND OF STUFF.

  • >> Dave: NOW, BIFF WHAT DO YOU

  • HAVE FOR US TONIGHT?

  • >> I WENT AROUND NEW YORK AND

  • TOOK A POLL.

  • >> SO YOU ASK PEOPLE QUESTIONS

  • ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK.

  • >> ABOUT NEW YEAR'S.

  • >> Dave: OH, THIS WAS ABOUT

  • NEW YEAR'S.

  • >> RESOLUTIONS, STUFF LIKE

  • THAT.

  • >> Dave: ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE

  • A LOOK, HERE'S BIFF

  • HENDERSON'S NEW YEAR'S

  • RESOLUTIONS.

  • >> IF YOU HAD TO MAKE UP A

  • MODEL -- MOTTO FOR 2005 WHAT

  • WOULD IT BE?

  • >> KICK ASS.

  • >> 2006?

  • >> KICK MORE ASS.

  • >> 2007?

  • >> KICK EVEN MORE ASS.

  • >> WHAT LAW DOS YOU THINK

  • YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THIS

  • YEAR?

  • >> PROBABLY A COUPLE SPEEDING

  • LAWS.

  • >> PUBLIC INDECENCY.

  • >> PROBABLY SPEED.

  • >> HOPEFULLY NOT MURDER.

  • >> NEW YORK CITY IS FULL OF

  • COLORFUL CHARACTERS, I MET

  • THIS MAN WHO HAD SOME VERY

  • INSIGHTFUL THINGS TO SAY.

  • WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO GET

  • DIVORCED IN THE NEXT YEAR,

  • STAR JONES OR BRITNEY SPEARS?

  • >> WHO CARES?

  • >> DO YOU HAVE ANY NEW YEAR'S

  • RESOLUTION

  • >> WEBRITY WOULD YOU

  • LIKE TO SEE MAKE A SEX VIDEO

  • IN 2005?

  • >> TOM CRUISE.

  • >> WHICH CELEBRITY WOULD YOU

  • LIKE TO SEE MAKE A SEX VIDEO

  • IN 2005?

  • >> BARBARA WALLERS. EFFEMINATE ?

  • >> NO.

  • >> WHAT'S YOUR NEW YEAR'S

  • RESOLUTION FOR 2005?

  • >> STOP EATING FAST FOOD.

  • >> QUIT SMOKING.

  • >> CUT BACK ON BEER.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> WHAT RESOLUTIONS HAVE YOU

  • BROKEN OVER THE YEARS?

  • >> I WAS GOING TO VACUUM MORE

  • OFTEN, TIDY UP, GOING TO BE

  • FOCUSED,.

  • I DON'T PARTICULARLY WATCH TV,

  • I DON'T EVEN NEED WINDOWS IN

  • MY APARTMENT.

  • I'VE NEVER STOPPED AT A RED

  • LIGHT EVER, I DON'T HAVE A

  • CAR.

  • I DON'T SMOKE, I DON'T DRINK

  • OR TAKE DRUGS AND I DIDN'T

  • HAVE TO GIVE UP ANY ADDICTIONS,

  • SO I DECIDED THE HECK WITH IT,

  • TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF.

  • >> ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T

  • DRINK?

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: GETTING THE PULSE OF

  • THE NATION.

  • >> YES, SIR.

  • >> Dave: HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT

  • 2005, AND I MEAN THAT, I'M NOT

  • GETTING MAY TO SAY THAT, I

  • WANT TO YOU HAVE A GREAT 2005?

  • >> I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT

  • 2005, AND I'M DEFINITELY NOT

  • GETTING PAID TO SAY THAT.

  • >> Dave: ARE YOU BEING A

  • LITTLE SNARKY?

  • >> I LIKE THAT WORD.

  • >> Dave: NICE JOB, BIFF, THANK