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  • >> Dave: THANK YOU.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • I'M 6' 2."

  • ♪♪[BACKGROUND MUSIC]♪♪♪

  • [ Applause and cheering ]

  • >> Dave: I'M SO HAPPY YOU FOLKS

  • ARE HERE TONIGHT.

  • YOU SEEM LIKE A WONDERFUL

  • AUDIENCE, AND LAST NIGHT'S

  • CROWD, OH, THEY WERE HORRIBLE.

  • AND I HATE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE

  • WHEN THEY'RE NOT HERE, BUT FIST

  • FIGHTS, HONEST TO GOD, FIST

  • FIGHTS BROKE OUT.

  • THEY WERE UPSET WHEN THEY

  • REALIZED OPRAH WASN'T GIVING

  • AWAY CARS.

  • SO UPSET.

  • ( Cheers and applause )IT

  • PROVES WE'RE WINNING THE WAR ON

  • EVER GREENS.

  • .

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: I WEIGH 180.

  • ( Laug

  • ( Laughter )

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING

  • TO GO TO THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT

  • TO PLAY AMERICA'S FASTEST

  • GROWING QUIZ SENSATION, KNOW

  • YOUR CURRENT EVENTS -- NO, WAIT

  • A MINUTE, I'M NERVOUS BECAUSE A

  • GUY FROM SEATTLE WANTED TO KNOW

  • HOW TALL I WAS.

  • I'M THINKING I'LL GO OUT THERE

  • AND HE MAY COLD-COCK ME.

  • IT IS TIME TO PLAY THE FASTEST

  • GROWING QUIZ SENSATION, KNOW

  • YOUR CURRENT EVENTS.

  • ♪♪ KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW♪♪

  • ♪♪ KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW♪♪

  • ♪♪ KNOW, KNOW, KNOW, KNOW♪♪

  • >> Dave: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

  • YEAH, YEAH!!

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: LET'S GO, LET'S PLAY.

  • LEGISLATOR

  • >> Dave: WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?

  • >> KEVIN.

  • >> Dave: YOU'RE FROM SEATTLE,

  • RIGHT?

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Dave: HOW TALL ARE YOU?

  • >> 6' 5."

  • >> Dave: THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

  • WHAT DO YOU DO IN SEATTLE?

  • >> I'M A STUDENT.

  • >> Dave: WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING?

  • >> POLITICAL SCIENCE.

  • >> Dave: AND WHEN YOU GET OUT,

  • YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHAT?

  • >> GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: HOW DO YOU LIKE NEW

  • YORK CITY?

  • >> IT IS FUN.

  • WARM.

  • >> Dave: SEATTLE IS BEAUTIFUL.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Dave: WHAT ABOUT THE

  • SEAHAWKS.

  • THEY BEAT THE GIANTS.

  • THAT WAS UGLY.

  • >> YEAH.

  • WE'LL TAKE IT, THOUGH.

  • >> Dave: YOU'RE HAPPY WITH THE

  • WAY THAT CAME, A GUY BLOWS

  • THREE EASY FIELD GOALS, AND YOU

  • GUYS WIN?

  • >> WE'LL TAKE IT.

  • >> Dave: WE'RE PLAYING KNOW

  • YOUR CURRENT EVENTS.

  • I'LL ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS AND

  • YOU LOOK AT THING AND HERE WE

  • GO: WHAT DID OPRAH DO

  • YESTERDAY, THERE IS OPRAH RIGHT

  • THERE.

  • WHAT DID OPRAH DO YESTERDAY?

  • THINK ABOUT THAT.

  • WHAT DID OPRAH DO YESTERDAY.

  • SHE WAS ON THE SHOW YESTERDAY,

  • RIGHT HERE ON OUR SHOW.

  • ( Laughter )

  • WHAT DID OPRAH DO YESTERDAY?

  • >> SHE ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION?

  • >> Dave: NO.

  • SHE BEGAN A NEW 20-YEAR STREAK

  • OF HATING MY GUTS.

  • LOVELY WOMAN.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: DO YOU LIKE BEING 6'

  • 5."

  • >> YEAH, I ENJOY IT

  • >> Dave: I WOULD LIKE TO 6' 5."

  • YOU DON'T WANT TO HURT ME OR

  • ANYTHING?

  • >> NO.

  • >> Dave: HOW DO WE KNOW IT WAS

  • NICK, NOT JESSICA WHO FILED FOR

  • DIVORCE.

  • THIS IS SAD NEWS, JESSICA

  • SIMPSON AND NICK LACHEY, HOW

  • DO WE KNOW IT WAS NICK, AND NOT

  • JESSICA, CITING IRRECONCILABLE

  • DIFFERENCES?

  • IT IS A TOUGH ONE.

  • YOU'RE LIKE THE REST OF US,

  • YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE DEALING

  • WITH YOUR GRIEF.

  • BECAUSE SHE

  • >> Dave: MY FRIEND, VICKI, HI,

  • VICKI, HOW IS IT GOING

  • >> HOW WAS YOUR THANKSGIVING?

  • >> Dave: I HAD A GREAT

  • THANKSGIVING.

  • I DROVE UP TO MAINE TO VISIT MY

  • AUNT, IT WAS A LOVELY TIME.

  • >> BANGOR?

  • THE

  • ( Laughter )

  • >> Dave: OF COURSE NOT.

  • IT WAS MY ELDERLY AUNT.

  • BANGOR, OF COURSE NOT, SHE IS

  • ALMOST 90.

  • YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF

  • YOURSELF. THE

  • WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

  • >> I AM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER.

  • >> Dave: WHAT GRADE DO YOU

  • TEACH?

  • >> JUNIORS AND SENIORS.

  • >> Dave: AND YOU'RE IN THE

  • CRADLE OF HISTORY IN NEW

  • ENGLAND , THEY LOVE THAT?

  • >> THEY DON'T CARE.

  • >> Dave: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE

  • PART OF THE AMERICAN HISTORY?

  • >> THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION AND

  • THE AMERICAN WAR.

  • >> Dave: DID YOU EVER COVER THE

  • TIME WHEN I

  • >> Dave: AND THAT PART OF THE

  • STATE YOU DIDN'T SUFFER ANY OF

  • THE RAVAGES OF THE HURRICANE?

  • >> WE DID NOT.

  • >> Dave: YOU'RE BLESSED.

  • WHAT DO YOU DO DOWN THERE?

  • >> I HAVE A GIFT SHOP.

  • WE SELL HOME ACCESSORIES.

  • >> Dave: WHAT IS AN ACCESSORY?

  • >> LAMPS, AND GIFTS AND ITEMS.

  • >> Dave: IS IT NEW OR ANTIQUE?

  • >> NO, IT IS NEW.

  • >> Dave: TELL ME, WHEN YOU BUY

  • A LAMP OR SOMETHING FROM A

  • SUPPLIER, WHAT MARKUP ARE WE

  • TALKING ABOUT?

  • WHEN I GO INTO YOUR STORE AND I

  • SEE A LAMP, IT MIGHT BE $100

  • FOR A LAMP.

  • >> TRUE.

  • >> Dave: WHAT ARE YOU PAYING

  • FOR THAT LAMP?

  • >> ABOUT $50.

  • >> Dave: SO IT IS LIKE DOUBLE?

  • >> 100%.

  • >> Dave: SO YOU'RE REALLY DOING

  • QUITE WELL, AREN'T YOU?

  • EVEN DOUBLING THE PRICE YOU'RE

  • NOT DOING WELL.

  • IT IS NOT ENOUGH TO COVER THE

  • OVERHEAD.

  • >> WE LIVE IN A DIFFERENT AREA

  • THAN NEW YORK CITY.

  • >> Dave: WHAT IS THE MOST

  • POPULAR ITEM THERE?

  • >> PROBABLY BRIDAL GIFTS, CHINA.

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE

  • A NICE ITEM, A SET OF MY

  • DISHWARE WITH MY FACE ON THE

  • IMPLICATES.

  • WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED.

  • SOME WITH PAUL AND THE BAND AND

  • THE DESSERT PLATES?

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU.

  • WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN NEW

  • YORK, HAVING FUN?

  • >> WE'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME.

  • >> Dave: DO YOU COME HERE A LOT?

  • >> NO, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.

  • >> Dave: I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE

  • AND YOU CAME AT A NICE TIME OF

  • THE YEAR.

  • LET'S PLAY KNOW YOUR CURRENT

  • EVENTS.

  • GEORGE W. BUSH IS SAID TO SEE

  • HIS RATINGS STILL STUCK AT 39.

  • WHAT RATING ARE WE TALKING

  • ABOUT?

  • WHAT RATING, GWYNN ARE WE

  • TALKING ABOUT?

  • >> POPULARITY?

  • MET HIM, BUT I'M GUESSING HE'S

  • BEEN STEPPED ON, KICKED, HAD

  • HIS LOUNGS PUNCTURED, BECAUSE

  • WHEN YOU SEE HIM, IT IS LIKE

  • STRAPPING YOURSELF ON TO LIKE A

  • CRAZY HORSE.

  • >> Paul: A HORSE, YEAH.

  • >> Dave: THEN GO HUTS.

  • FIVE-TIME WORLD CHAMPION.

  • >> Paul: I WONDER IF THEY PUT A

  • BUR UNDER THE SADDLE?

  • >> Dave: I THINK THAT IS

  • ILLEGAL.

  • IT IS BUCKING HORSES AND A

  • SPECIAL BUCKING BELT THAT THE

  • HORSE WEARS.

  • >> Paul: THE HORSE WEARS A

  • BUCKING BELT?

  • >> Dave: YEAH, TO KEEP UP HIS

  • BUCKING PANTS.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: NIGHT AFTER NIGHT

  • AFTER NIGHT.

  • WE MET DURING -- KNOW YOUR

  • CURRENT EVENTS, WE MET A LOVELY

  • WOMAN FROM MISSISSIPPI WHO HAS

  • A GIFT SHOP, AND I WAS THINKING

  • MAYBE THIS WOULD BE PERFECT:

  • THIS IS A CHRISTMAS TREE LIKE A

  • LED GRASS STAINED GLASS --

  • >> Paul: THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.

  • >> Dave: OF ME.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Paul: THAT'S GLASS -- WHAT

  • DOES THAT COST?

  • >> Dave: $2500.

  • >> Paul: IS THAT WHOLESALE OR

  • RETAIL?

  • >> Dave: SHE'LL GET THIS WHEN

  • SHE SELLS THIS.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S RETAIL PRICE.

  • >> Dave: THIS IS RETAIL.

  • IT WILL BE A VERY POPULAR ITEM.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • $2500, RIGHT THERE.

  • THERE IS NO OVERHEAD.

  • >> Paul: SHE IS GETTING IT FOR

  • FREE.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: SHE'LL GET TO KEEP ALL

  • OF THAT.

  • >> Paul: 2500 PERCENT MARKUP.

  • >> Dave: THEY'LL BE LINING

  • AROUND THE BLOCK WHEN SHE PUTS

  • THAT IN THE WINDOW.

  • LAST NIGHT SOMETHING WONDERFUL

  • HAPPENED, OPRAH WINFREY WAS ON

  • THE PROGRAM.

  • WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT?

  • >> Paul: JUST LAST NIGHT.

  • IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL -- WHAT DID

  • WE USE TO CALL IT, A CAROSEL OF

  • LOVE.

  • IT WAS THE SUPER BOWL OF LOVE.

  • >> Dave: NOW THE NETWORK, CBS

  • IS ALL OVER IT.

  • >> Paul: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

  • >> Dave: THIS IS WHAT THE

  • NETWORK IS RUNNING.

  • SHE HASN'T BEEN ON THE SHOW FOR

  • 16 YEARS.

  • >> Announcer: AMERICA IS

  • TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S LATE

  • SHOW WITH VERY SPECIAL GUEST,

  • OPRAH WINFREY.

  • DON'T MISS OPRAH'S NEXT LATE

  • SHOW APPEARANCE IN 2021.

  • ( Cheers and applause )eers and)

  • >> Dave: TONIGHT'S TOP TEN LIST

  • IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY

  • SPIT-ROASTED MEATS, AMERICA'S

  • FAVORITE MEAT, ROASTED TREATS

  • SINCE THE DISCOVERY OF FIRE.

  • HEY, MOM, SPIT ROASTED MAKES IT

  • MORE FLAVORABLE AND NUTRITIOUS,

  • THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, WHY NOT

  • TREAT YOUR FAMILY TO

  • SPIT-ROASTED MEATS.

  • YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

  • >> Dave: (laughing) OKAY.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE

  • HIRED A BAD DEPARTMENT STORE

  • SANTA, WE'RE RIGHT IN THE THICK

  • OF THE SEASON WHEREVER WHERE

  • YOU GO THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS.

  • MOST OF THEM ARE GREAT, EVERY

  • NOW AND THEN BY THE SHEAR

  • NUMBERS OF IT, YOU'RE GOING TO

  • GET SOMEBODY NOT SO GOOD.

  • TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED A BAD

  • DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA, AND TO

  • PRESENT THE TOP TEN IS

  • BLOOMINGDALE'S SANTA.

  • SANTA, C'MON IN.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU FOR BEING

  • WITH US, SANTA.

  • I KNOW THIS IS YOUR BUSY TIME

  • OF THE YEAR.

  • TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED A BAD

  • DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA.

  • >> FLUFFY WHITE

  • >> Dave: BAD SANTA.

  • NUMBER 8...

  • >> THERE ARE ALWAYS TWO OR

  • THREE

  • >> Dave: OH, SANTA.

  • AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU

  • HIRED A BAD DEPARTMENT STORE

  • SANTA...

  • >> POINTS OUT WHICH KIDS HE

  • THNLS WILL BE GAY.

  • ♪♪[BACKGROUND MUSIC]♪♪

  • >> BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE

  • AMERICAN SPIT-ROASTED MEAT

  • COUNCIL.

  • WHY NOT TREAT YOUR FAMILY TO

  • TASTY, SPIT-ROASTED MEATS.

  • YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> Dave: ALLEN, ARE YOU ALL

  • RIGHT?

  • YOU LOOKS LIKE HAVE --

  • >> JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO, I

  • HAD SOME SPIT-ROASTED MEAT.

  • >> Dave: OKAY.

  • SEGMENT

  • CALLED "ALLEN CALLTER'S

  • POLITICAL ROUNDUP."

  • ALLEN?

  • >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DAVE.

  • ( Cheers and applause )

  • >> WHAT YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL

  • THAT JUNK, ALL THAT JUNK INSIDE

  • THAT TRUNK.

  • I'LL GET YOU LOVE DRUNK OFF MY

  • HUM.

  • ALL THAT ASS, AND I'M GOING TO

  • MAKE YOU SCREAM.

  • MAKE YOU SCREAM, MAKE YOU

  • SCREAM.

  • ♪♪ MY HUMP, MY HUMP♪♪

  • ♪♪ MY HUMP, MY HUMP, MY HUMP♪♪

  • ♪♪ MY LITTLE LADY LUMP♪♪

  • >> ALLEN CALLTER, POLITICAL

  • ROUNDUP.

  • >> Dave: THAT'S AWFUL.

  • WE'LL BE

  • ♪♪[BACKGROUND MUSIC]♪♪

  • >> IT IS TIME FOR A LATE SHOW

  • PCR ALERT, HAVE BEEN, OPRAH

  • WINFREY WILL BE ON THE LATE

  • SHOW, THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1st.

  • OPRAH IS COMING ON THURSDAY,

>> Dave: THANK YOU.

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