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  • ( BAND PLAYING

  • "LATE SHOW" THEME )

  • >> FROM NEW YORK,

  • THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORL,

  • IT'S THE "LATE SHOW" WITH

  • DAVID LETTERMAN.

  • TONIGHT...

  • PLUS PAUL SHAFFER AND THE

  • CBS ORCHESTRA.

  • AND NOW, MILLIONAIRE GERM

  • FREAK, DAVID LETTERMAN!

  • Captioning sponsored by

  • WORLDWIDE PANTS and CBS

  • IT'S PROBABLY JUST AS WELL

  • THAT FELL THROUGH BECAUSE IT

  • WAS A VERY COMPLICATED DEAL,

  • IT WOULD HAVE ACCEPT RANDY

  • JOHNSON TO THE YANKEES, THREE

  • PITCHERS TO ARIZONA, AND ME TO

  • THE TONIGHT SHOW.TMAS

  • MORNING AND FINDS A SPREELS

  • UNDER BILL.

  • A A SURPRISE UNDER BILL.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

  • MUCH.

  • THANK YOU.

  • THANK YOU.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • THANK YOU.

  • WELCOME TO 700 DAYS.

  • FOR THE NEXT 90 MINUTES I'M

  • GOING TO TELL YOU SOME STORIES

  • ABOUT MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY

  • THAT I THINK WILL BE AMUSING --.

  • >> Dave: BILLY, HI.

  • HI, BILLY.

  • >> DAVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

  • HERE?

  • >> Dave: IT THINK YOU'RE ON

  • THE WRONG THEATER.

  • >> OH, I WAS WONDERING WHY I

  • WAS FREEZING MY ASS OFF.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: I THINK YOU'RE

  • ACTUALLY DOWN THE STREET.

  • >> WE'RE ON 44th STREET, WHICH

  • BRINGS UP A POINT DAVE, THAT'S

  • EXACTLY WHY I CAME HERE.

  • BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I WAS

  • HERE, I PERSONALLY INVITED YOU,

  • AND HIM, I FORGOT HIS NAME, TO

  • MY OPENING NIGHT, AND YOU SAID

  • YOU WERE GOING TO COME, DID

  • YOU SAY THAT DIDN'T YOU?

  • >> Dave: YES, DAY, DAY SAY

  • THAT.

  • >> AND DID YOU COME TO THE

  • SHOW?

  • >> Dave: NO.

  • >> NO, WHAT.

  • >> Dave: NO, I DIDN'T COME TO

  • YOUR SHOW.

  • >> AND ARE YOU GOING TO COME

  • TO THE SHOW?

  • >> Dave: YES, YES, I AM.

  • >> WILL YOU BRING HIM?

  • >> Dave: PAUL AND I WILL BE

  • THERE.

  • >> AND WHAT IS THE SHOW CALL?

  • >> Dave: BROADWAY BILLY'S

  • BROADWAY BIG TOP.

  • >> ALWAYS SO WITTY.

  • DID YOUR WRITERS WORK ON THAT

  • WITH YOU?

  • >> Dave: WELL, I CAME UP WITH

  • PART OF IT.

  • >> AND THE OTHER 12 DIVIDES

  • GOT THE REST OF IT.

  • >> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT, HI A

  • LITTLE HELP SURE.

  • >> DAVE, THE CALLED THE SHOW

  • IS CALLED 700 SUNDAYS.

  • >> Dave: SURE.

  • 700 SUNDAYS!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK

  • HERE AGAIN.

  • >> Dave: NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT,

  • NO, SIR.

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: BILLY CRYSTAL!

  • HOW ABOUT THAT BILLY CRYSTAL.

  • >> Paul: YEAH.

  • >> Dave: VERY NICE OF BILLY TO

  • STOP BY, AND HE'S DOING HIS

  • PROGRAM AND IT'S SOLD OUT FOR

  • THE NEXT NINE YEARS OR HOWEVER

  • LONG THE RUN IS.

  • IT'S GOTTEN FANTASTIC REVIEWS

  • AND IT'S LIKE A ONE-MAN SHOW.

  • IT'S BILLY'S LIFE AND PEOPLE

  • LOVE IT.

  • WHEN HE WAS HERE BEFORE THE

  • THING OPENED, YOU AND I SAID

  • OF COURSE WE'LL BE THERE ON

  • OPENING NIGHT.

  • >> Paul: WE PROMISED HIM.

  • >> Dave: WE COULDN'T BE THERE

  • OPENING NIGHT.

  • WE HAD THINGS GOING ON.

  • I WAS OUT OF TOWN.

  • >> Paul: AND I WANTED TO WAIT

  • UNTIL YOU COULD COME.

  • >> Dave: BUT THE DEAL IS WE'RE

  • GOING FIRST OF THE YEAR.

  • WHEN WE'RE BACK AND READY TO

  • GO WE'LL BE OVER TO THE SHOW.

  • >> Paul: WE CAN'T VIEW THIS UP

  • THIS TIME, WE GOTTA SHOW UP.

  • >> Dave: NO, BECAUSE I DON'T

  • WANT HIM WALKING IN HERE ANY

  • MORE.

  • BUT HOW ABOUT THAT LITTLE SKIT

  • WITH BILLY CRYSTAL RIGHT OFF

  • THE BAT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Paul: HE'S THE KING OF

  • BROADWAY, HE'S ABSOLUTELY THE

  • KING.

  • >> Dave: IT'S AT THE BROAD

  • HURST THEATER, WEST 44th

  • STREET, OPENED DECEMBER 5th,

  • ONE EVERY YEAR.

  • >> Dave: IT'S VERY CLOSE TO

  • CHRISTMAS, AND WE TRY TO DO

  • SOMETHING FESTIVE EACH DAY AS

  • WE GET CLOSER TO THE HOLIDAY,

  • AND TONIGHT I DON'T THINK

  • WE'VE DONE THIS IN A LONG

  • TIME.

  • IT'S SOMETHING CALLED THE LATE

  • SHOW NOG CAM.

  • NOG CAM.

  • ARE YOU READY FOR THE NOG CAM?

  • TURN IT ON, HERE IT IS.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> THANKS, DAVE.

  • >> Dave: NOG.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • LATE SHOW NOG CAM.

  • THANKS, DAVE.

  • DAVE DORSET BY THE WAY, BEEN

  • WITH CBS 39 YEARS, THAT MAN

  • RIGHT THERE, CELEBRATING HIS

  • 39th ANNIVERSARY WITH CBS.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • CAN WE JUST LEAVE THAT IN

  • THERE LIKE THAT, DAVE?

  • >> WE COULD TAKE IT OUT IF

  • YOU'D LIKE.

  • >> Dave: LET'S LEAVE IT IN FOR

  • A WHILE AND SEE HOW TIRED WE

  • GROW OF IT.

  • I DON'T WANT TO CHASE PEOPLE

  • AWAY UNNECESSARILY, BUT IT'S

  • KIND OF NICE TO HAVE IT THERE,

  • DON'T YOU THINK?

  • >> Paul: YEAH.

  • >> Dave: ALL RIGHT.

  • HAVE YOU SEEN THESE...

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE TV!

  • I LIKE THAT.

  • REMEMBER THEY USED TO HAVE

  • BEER COMMERCIALS AND THEY

  • WOULD USE JOHN WAYNE, THEY

  • WOULD GET JOHN WAYNE, OLD JOHN

  • WAYNE MOVIES AND HE WOULD BE

  • IN BEER COMMERCIALS, WOULDN'T

  • BE THE REAL JOHN WAYNE BECAUSE

  • HE HAD PASSED AWAY, BUT THEY'D

  • GET HIS WORK IN FILM AND PUT

  • IT IN A BEER COMMERCIAL.

  • NOW THEY'VE DONE THE SAME

  • THING WITH STEVE McQUEEN, HE

  • COMES OUT OF A CORN FIELD AND

  • HOPS IN A BRAND NEW FORD

  • MUSTANG AND HE E DRIVES LIKE

  • HE DROVE THE CAR IN BULLETS,

  • THE BIG CHASE SCENE.

  • SO THEY USE THESE LATE DEAD

  • MOVIE STARS, AND NOW, I DON'T

  • KNOW IF I SHOULD BE UPSET OR

  • FLATTERED BY THIS.

  • WELL, SOME THINGS HAPPEN AND I

  • JUST SAW IT THE OTHER DAY, AND

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT

  • IT.

  • >> Paul: REALLY?

  • >> Dave: I DON'T KNOW IF THE

  • NORTH OG CAM IS GOING TO

  • INTERFERE.

  • THIS SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT.

  • WATCH. THIS.

  • >> IF YOUR RELAXING MOMENT

  • TURNS INTO THE RIGHT MOMENT,

  • WILL YOU BE READY?

  • INTRODUCING CIALIS, THE FIRST

  • TABLET FOR ERECTILE

  • DYSFUNCTION THAT GIVES YOU UP

  • TO 36 HOURS...

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: NOW, THE DIFFERENCE

  • THERE IS OF COURSE I'M NOT

  • DEAD.

  • I'M NOT DEAD.

  • BUT IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.

  • >> Paul: OH, RIGHT.

  • >> Dave: FIRST OF ALL, THERE

  • WAS THE TROUBLE WITH THE

  • VIOXX.

  • I CAN REMEMBER LIKE YEARS AND

  • YEARS AGO, OH NO NO TAKE THE

  • VIOXX, THEY SAID NO, YOU

  • BETTER NOT TAKE THE VIOXX

  • BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST DROP DEAD

  • ONE DAY, THEN IT WAS CELEBREX

  • AND EVERYBODY SAID TAKE THE

  • CELEBREX IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE

  • VIOXX, NO NO NO, THAT STUFF

  • WILL KILL YOU NOW TOO MUCH SO

  • BECAUSE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS,

  • THEY SAID WELL HOW ABOUT A

  • NONPRESCRIPTION, TRY THE

  • ALEVE.

  • NO NO.

  • SO BECAUSE ALL OF THESE

  • MEDICINES THAT WE CAN'T TAKE,

  • HERE IS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

  • FROM THE F.D.A..

  • WATCH THIS.

  • >> DUE TO THE NEWLY DISCOVERED

  • RISKS ASSOCIATED WITH VARIOUS

  • MEDICATIONS, THE F.D.A. NOW

  • RECOMMENDS THAT AMERICANS WITH

  • ANY ILLNESS OR JURY SIMPLY LIE

  • DOWN AND TRY TO EVENTUALLY GET

  • BETTER WITHOUT MEDICINE.

  • A COOL WASH CLOTH MAY BE

  • PLACED ON THE FOREHEAD.

  • GOOD LUCK, AMERICA.

  • A MESSAGE FROM THE F.D.A..

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: PUT A LITTLE MORE IN

  • THERE, DAVE.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • THAT'S GOOD.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • EVERY DUMB GUY IN AMERICA IS

  • AT HOME DOING THIS TO HIS SET.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • LOOK WHAT I HAVE HERE, LADIES

  • AND GENTLEMEN, SOME BRAND NEW

  • HOLIDAY GREETING CARDS!

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • HOLIDAY GREETING CARDS ♪.

  • HOLIDAY CARDS.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Paul: THIS I GOTTA SEE.

  • YOU COULD PUT THE CARD UP IN

  • THAT, IN THE UPPER LEFT.

  • >> Dave: OH, THIS CAMERA DOES

  • NOT HAVE THE NOG CAM.

  • WE'RE SAVED.

  • OH, THANK GOD.

  • HOLIDAY CARDS, HERE'S OUR

  • FIRST CARD, I WENT DOWN TO THE

  • BOUGHT A FISTFUL OF CARDS,

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SUCH

  • THESE.

  • THIS ONE SAYS

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • THIS, BY THE WAY, THIS

  • TECHNOLOGY RIGHT HEREIES THE

  • TREFS WORLD IS ENVIOUS OF US.

  • THINGS LIKE THE NOG CAM.

  • THIS IS WHY WE'RE HATED AROUND

  • THE WORLD.

  • THEY DON'T HAVE THE KIND OF

  • BRAIN POWER IT TAKES TO COME

  • UP WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

  • AND THEY SEE THAT WE'RE HAVING

  • ALL THE FUN IN THE WORLD AND

  • THEY RESENT THAT. NARROW

  • MINDED, DOESN'T IT?

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • GOT ANY MORE NOG, DAVE?

  • ALL RIGHT, TOP IT OFF.

  • A SHRILL SPLASH.

  • DAVE, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC BY THE

  • WAY.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Dave: OH, WAIT A MICHIGAN,

  • YOU'VE GONE CRAZY!

  • YOU STARTED OUT 39 YEARS AGO

  • TO GET THE CAMERAS TO WORK YOU

  • WOULD HAVE TO DO THAT

  • PERIODICALLY, WOULD YOU HAVE

  • TO FORCE SOMETHING A INTO THE

  • LENS, EXACTLY.

  • ALL RIGHT.

  • HERE'S A CARD.

  • LOOK AT THIS ONE, PAUL.

  • FELL IS AND A HALF I DAD, TO

  • THE BEST ILLEGAL HOUSE KEEPER

  • A FAMILY COULD ASK FOR.

  • I KIND OF LIKE. THIS IT'S A

  • LOVELY SENTIMENT.

  • MERRY CHRISTMAS, RABBI.

  • NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, IS

  • THERE?

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Paul: THAT'S NICE.

  • >> Dave: AND FINALLY, HOW

  • ABOUT THIS ONE.

  • RON ARTEST HAS KICKED A DRUNK

  • FAN'S ASS IN YOUR NAME.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • HOLIDAY, HOLIDAY CARDS ♪.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

  • PAUL.

  • WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE

  • THIS OTHER ONE, BECAUSE WE'VE

  • MONKEYED UP THE -- WOULD IT BE

  • TOO MUCH TROUBLE FOR YOU TO

  • SKAUT UNDER A DIFFERENT CAMERA

  • TONIGHT?

  • KRISTIN JOHNSTON IS ON THE

  • PROGRAM AND TOM DREESEN.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

  • TONIGHT TPS TOP TEN LIST,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • >> Dave: KRISTEN JOHNSTON IS

  • BACK WITH US ON THE PROGRAM

  • AND ALSO OUR GOOD FRIEND TOM

  • DREESEN.

  • YOU'RE GOING TO THINK I'M

  • STUPID, I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE

  • EVER HAD EGG NOG.

  • THERE'S SOME KIND OF

  • DISSTILLED SPIRITS GO INTO IT,

  • DOESN'T IT.

  • DISSPILLED SPIRITS.

  • >> Paul: ARE YOU SURE YOU

  • DIDN'T HAVE SOMETHING --.

  • >> Dave: I WISH TO GOD I WAS

  • STILL DRINKING.

  • RIGHT AWAY I'M SUSPICIOUS

  • BECAUSE IT'S MADE BY THE LAND

  • OF LAKES PEOPLE, AND I THINK

  • TO MYSELF WHAL THAT DO THEY

  • KNOW ABOUT EGG NOG, ARM THEY

  • THE BUTTER FOLKS?

  • SO NORMALLY YOU WOULD TAKE

  • THIS AND WHAT WOULD YOU ADD TO

  • IT, RUM.

  • >> Paul: YOU'D ADD RUM.

  • YOU'D PUT IN MOSTLY RUM AND

  • TOP IT OFF WITH A LITTLE

  • EGGNOG.

  • >> Dave: IS IT ALL RIGHT TO

  • DRINK IT THIS WAY?

  • THERE'S NO RUM IN IT.

  • >> Paul: IT'S DELICIOUS STUFF.

  • >> Dave: SO THERE'S NO NOG IN

  • THIS, IT'S JUST EGG.

  • >> Paul: I SUPPOSE.

  • UH-OH!

  • >> Dave: MAN, THAT WAS SMOOTH.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • I'M TELLING YOU, THIS WOULD BE

  • GREAT WITH RUM, BUT THEN AGAIN

  • WHAT WOULDN'T, FOR GOD'S

  • SAKES! APPLAUSE )

  • THE HOLIDAY SEASON, I WISH I

  • COULD DRINK.

  • I USED TO DRINK FOR YEARS AND

  • YEARS AND HAD TO QUIT BECAUSE

  • MY LIVER WAS THE SIDE OF AN IS

  • YOU SUE.

  • BUT THE TROUBLE IS I'D HAVE

  • THIS.

  • >> Paul: I GOT MY FINGERS

  • CROSSED TONIGHT IT WILL BE A

  • BIG HIT TOO.

  • >> Dave: PLEASE WELCOME THE

  • LATE SHOW CAROLERS, LADIES AND

  • GENTLEMEN.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • THE CATEGORY AGAIN, LEAST

  • POPULAR, LEAST POPULAR, THESE

  • ARE NOT POPULAR CHRISTMAS

  • CAROLS.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • GOD BLESS YOU, MARTHA.

  • NOW, THE NUMBER ONE LEAST

  • POPULAR CHRISTMAS CAROL.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • OUR LATE SHOW CAROLERS.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • THAT WAS LOVELY, PAUL, AS

  • ALWAYS.

  • >> Paul: I HOPE IT WAS AS BIG

  • A HIT THIS YEAR, AS, YOU KNOW,

  • THEY HATE US FOR EVERY YEAR,

  • THE OTHER, THERE'S

  • SOMETHING EXTRA SPECIAL.

  • >> IT'S THE BEST.

  • IT'S THE BEST PLACE IN THE

  • WORLD TO BE FOR CHRISTMAS,

  • EXCEPT IF YOU WERE TO GET

  • MUGGED.

  • WHICH ACTUALLY DID HAPPEN TO

  • ME.

  • YEAH, A FEW YEARS AGO.

  • >> Dave: OH, MY GOD.

  • >> IT WAS INITIALLY VERY

  • TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE, BUT

  • NOW I FOUND IT A REALLY KIND

  • OF HEART WARMING HOLIDAY

  • ANECDOTE.

  • >> Dave: DO YOU MIND SHARING

  • IT?

  • >> I'D LOW LOVE TO. IT WAS FEW

  • YEARS AGO, I DON'T KNOW IF

  • THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOU NO

  • NEW YORK, PEOPLE IN NEW YORK

  • SOMETIMES THINK IT'S FUNNY TO

  • PRETEND TO MUG YOU LIKE OH, I

  • WAS JUST KIDDING I WENT TO

  • COLLEGE WITH YOU.

  • SOMEHOW IT'S NOT THAT AMUSING.

  • ANYWAY I WAS COMING HOME FROM

  • A KRAERS PARTY AT 10:30, I

  • HEARD THIS VOICE BEHIND ME SAY

  • GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY, I WAS

  • LIKE THAT IS NOT FUNNY.

  • I TURNED AROUND AND REALIZED I

  • DIDN'T KNOW WHO IT WAS.

  • AND THIS GUY GOES, OH, MY GOD

  • YOU'RE THAT LADY FROM THAT TV

  • SHOW.

  • AND THEN PROCEEDED TO MUG ME.

  • >> Dave: REALLY?

  • >> YEAH.

  • SITE WAS SORT OF THE DOUBLE

  • HUMILIATION OF ACTUALLY HE DID

  • RECOGNIZE ME, AND STILL WANTED

  • TO TORMENT ME.

  • >> Dave: WHEN YOU SAY MUGGING,

  • WHAT WAS THAT PROCESS LIKE,

  • DID HE HURT YOU?

  • HOW DID HE GET MONEY FROM YOU?

  • >> THAT IS WHAT PREVENTS IT

  • FROM BEING AS HEART WARMING AN

  • ANECDOTE AS I WANTED.

  • HE THREW ME ON THE GROUND,

  • TOOK MY MONEY.

  • BUT ABOUT THREE WEEKS LATER

  • THIS COP CALLS ME AND HE

  • SOUNDS LITERALLY LIKE THE NYPD

  • COP.

  • I WAS LIKE I LIKE THIS GUY, SO

  • I CAME DOWNTOWN AND THEY DID

  • THE LINEUP.

  • AND I PICKED HIM OUT, BECAUSE

  • KEEN OBSERVATION POWERS.

  • E WRM TO A GRAND JURY AND HE

  • WAS CONVICTED.

  • JUST A GOOD HOLIDAY STORY.

  • >> Dave: YES IT IS.

  • >> I LIKE TO TELL IT AS OFTEN

  • AS I CAN.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: THAT'S A VERY

  • FRIGHTENING THING, THOUGH.

  • >> IT IS.

  • >> Dave: AND I GUESS IT WOULD

  • TAKE YOU A WHILE TO KIND OF

  • SETTLE DOWN AFTER AN EPISODE

  • LIKE THAT.

  • >> YES.

  • >> Dave: BECAUSE THE ASSAULT,

  • AND WHAT THAT COULD HAVE LED

  • TO IS REALLY BEYOND --

  • >> YEAH, IT IS SCARY.

  • THE WEIRDEST THING WAS A FEW

  • DAYS LATER WALKING DOWN THE

  • STREET I WAS STILL SO SHAKEN

  • UP THAT A DOG BARKED AT ME

  • BECAUSE I THINK HE COULD TELL

  • THAT I WAS WALKING AROUND IN

  • FEAR.

  • BUT NOW I'M OVER IT.

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

  • PAUL SHAFFER AND THE CBS

  • HOLIDAY STRINGS.

  • PAUL AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING

  • ABOUT THIS IDEA FOR A LONG

  • TIME.

  • THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, HOW

  • MANY OF YOU FOLKS WATCH THE

  • OPRAH WINFREY SHOW?

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN

  • GIVEN A CAR BY OPRAH WINFREY,

  • HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE RECEIVED

  • A CAR FROM OPRAH WINFREY?

  • GREAT.

  • OPRAH DID SD THIS PROGRAM

  • EVERY AFTERNOON AND SHE HAS

  • BIG BIG STARS ON, CAN AND THEY

  • TALK ALL MANNER OF THINGS THAT

  • BIG STARS LIKE TO TALK ABOUT,

  • THEN WHEN THE PROGRAM IS DONE

  • THEY HAVE AN AFTER SHOW

  • PROGRAM.

  • THAT YOU DON'T GET TO SEE

  • EXCEPT FOR, HAVE YOU TO DIAL

  • IT UP ON THE OXYGEN NETWORK,

  • AND FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I

  • DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT.

  • BUT IT'S OPRAH'S AFTER SHOW.

  • SO YOU GET TO SEE EVEN MORE OF

  • OPRAH.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • SO WHEN I TOLD THIS TO PAUL,

  • HE LOVED THE IDEA, AND YOU

  • BEGGED ME, YOU SAID, DAVE,

  • LET'S DO AN AFTER SHOW LATE

  • SHOW.

  • WHERE YOU GET TO SEE -- YEAH!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • AND THE AUDIENCE CAN STAY THEY

  • WANT TO STAY, THEY CAN GO IF

  • DAY WANT TO GO.

  • IT'S VERY INFORMAL, VERY

  • CASUAL, AND YOU GET THE REAL

  • FLAVOR OF WHAT GOES ON HERE

  • AFTER THE SHOW.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S WHAT I'VE

  • ALWAYS WANTED.

  • >> Dave: SO WE'RE GOING TO

  • GIVE YOU A SAMPLE OF OUR FIRST

  • ONE TONIGHT.

  • HERE IT IS, THE LATE SHOW

  • AFTER SHOW SHOW.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • WE'RE GOING, WE HAVE LITTLE

  • FINE TUNING.

  • .

  • >> AND I'D GO TO MIDNIGHT

  • MASS.

  • >> Dave: THAT'S A LOVELY

  • TRADITION, MIDNIGHT MASS.

  • >> AND I STILL DO IT EVERY

  • YEAR.

  • I ALSO, I FEED THE HOMELESS,

  • ALL THE COMEDIANS IN LOS

  • ANGELES WE FEED THE COMEDIANS.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

  • WHICH BY THE WAY --.

  • >> Dave: THE HOMELESS PEOPLE

  • PUT OUT A NICE VED FOR THE

  • COMICS, THAT'S A GOOD THING.

  • >> FIVE MENTION SOMETHING LIKE,

  • YOU KNOW WHY THEY'RE FEEDING

  • US, WE'RE NOT WORKING THAT

  • MUCH.

  • BUT EVERY YEAR THE COMEDIANS

  • PERFORM FOR HOMELESS AND WE

  • ALSO FEED THEM.

  • AND IT WAS VERY FUNNY, LAST

  • YEAR PAUL MOONEY, YOU REMEMBER

  • PAUL MOONEY,, WE WERE FEEDING

  • PEOPLE, AND TWO HOMELESS GUYS

  • GOT TO THE END OF THE LINE AND

  • ONE LOOKED AT THE OTHER ONE

  • AND SAID THEY HAD BIGGER NAMES

  • HERE LAST YEAR.

  • ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Dave: WELL...

  • >> BUT.

  • >> Dave: YOU STILL GOING TO

  • THE MIDNIGHT MASS, HAVE YOU

  • NOTICED SINCE YOU WERE A KID,

  • PROBABLY ALTAR BOYS?

  • >> YEAH, I WAS AN ALTAR BOY.

  • >> Dave: HAS THE CHURCH

  • CHANGED?

  • WE KNOW IN PRACTICAL WAYS IT'S

  • CHANGED.

  • >> EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH

  • DIFFERENT.

  • WE DID THE MASS IN LATIN, THEY

  • DON'T DO THAT ANY MORE.

  • WHEN I WAS A KID YOU WERE NOT

  • ALLOWED AS A CATHOLIC, YOU

  • WERE NOT ALLOWED TO GO TO ANY

  • BUT TODAY NOT ONLY THAT DO

  • THEY NOT MIND, THEY ALSO ASK

  • YOU IF YOU'D BRING OTHER --

( BAND PLAYING

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