GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.

BEFORE WE BEGIN I'D LIKE TO

MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

TOMORROW WILL BE MY BIRTHDAY,

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'LL BE AT HOME CELEBRATING

QUIETLY WITH FAMILY AND

FRIENDS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Paul: THAT'S NOT WHAT I

HEARD!

( APPLAUSE )

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU VERY

MUCH FOR DIALING US UP.

I DON'T KNOW IF CAN YOU TELL

THIS OR NOT, BUT YOU LOOKING

AT A VERY VERY PROUD MAN.

I'M FEELING VERY PROUD OF

MYSELF TODAY, BECAUSE WHY, YOU

HAVE ANY IDEA WHY?

I FULFILLED MY CIVIC

RESPONSIBILITY AND REPORTED

FOR JURY DUTY.

>> Paul: YES, YOU DID, YES.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: I LOVE JURY DUTY,

THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I WAS

CALLED TO SERVE, AND LIKE THE

FIRST TIME, I WAS NOT SELECTED

TO BE A JURY MEMBER.

>> Paul: NOT SELECTED AGAIN.

>> Dave: NOW THIS REALLY

IRRITATES ME AND I'M TRYING

DESPERATELY HARD NOT TO TAKE

IT PERSONALLY.

( LAUGHTER )

BECAUSE I WAS READY TO GO AND

ANYBODY WHO KNOWS ANYTHING

ABOUT THE JURY PROCESS, THIS

IS UP AT THE WHITE PLAINS

COURTHOUSE THERE IN

WESTCHESTER COTY.

THEY DO A WONDERFUL JOB, THEY

HAVE A MARVELOUS PROGRAM, IT'S

JUST FANTASTIC.

( LAUGHTER )

THEY DO, THEY REALLY DO A NICE

JOB OF IT.

BUT SO THEY PICKED ME I'M LIKE

ONE OF TWELVE AND I'M READY TO

GO, AND YOU KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT ME, YOU KNOW I BELIEVE

IN MY HEART THAT EVERYBODY IS

GUILTY.

I WANT TO LOCK UP SOME PERPS.

( LAUGHTER )

I WANT TO SEE SOME OF THOSE

DIRT BAGS GO TO PRISON.

I WANT TO DRIVE THEM TO THE

PENITENTIARY.

>> Paul: THAT'S YOU.

>> Dave: AND THEY, AND I'M

READY TO GO, I'M MR. SURE

LET'S GO, AND THEY SAID THIS

THING COULD GO ON FOR YEARS, I

SAID FINE, I'M THERE.

>> Paul: YES.

( LAUGHTER )

DAVE THEN THEY GO AROUND AND

ARE TALKING TO PEOPLE, AND GOD

BLESS PEOPLE, AND MOST OF THEM

ARE JUST FINE AND EVERYTHING

IS FINE.

BUT THEN YOU GET ABOUT 30% OF

THEM, LIKE IS THERE ANY REASON

SIR WHY YOU DON'T THINK...

WELL,... I HAVE DRY SCALP.

WHAT?

GET OUT OF HERE! SO, AND THE

JUDGE CALLED ME INTO HIS MY,

HIS CHAIRMANERS.

I HAVE MY OWN PLACE THERE AT

THE COURTHOUSE.

AND HE SAYS WHO ARE YOU

KIDDING, GET OUT OF HERE.

AND THEN YOU GO BACO DOWN AND

THERE'S LUNCH AND IT'S A

LOVELY THING, THEN AT THE EN,

HERE'S WHAT I THINK.

I THINK THAT THESE PEOPLE WHO

UNDER THE BUSINESS OF LAW AND

ORDER SECRETLY KNOW SOMETHING

ABOUT ALL OF US IN SHOW

BUSINESS.

>> Paul: AND THAT WOULD BE?

>> Dave: THAT WE'RE ALL

IDIOTS.

( LAUGHTER )

AND THEY DON'T WANT US

MONKEYING UP THE SYSTEM.

BUT ONCE AGAIN, SO NOW IN

TERMS OF JURY DUTY, I HAVE

SERVED, SHOWN UP TWICE AND I'M

0 FOR 2.

0 FOR 2.

>> Paul: THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> Dave: BUT LOOK, I GOT MY

CERTIFICATE AND I DON'T HAVE

TO GO BACK FOR ANOTHER SIX

YEARS, THERE I IS RIGHT THERE,

THAT SHOWS YOU THAT I SHOWED

UP AND EVERYTHING IS FINE.

( APPLAUSE )

AND I WANT TO THANK JUDGE

GILBERT RAYMOND WHO PRESIDED

OVER THE CASE THAT I'M NOT A

PART OF.

( LAUGHTER )

AND JUST A WORD OF ADVICE TO

THE JUDGE, WEAR SOMETHING

UNDER THE ROBE.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT OTHER THAN THAT...

( APPLAUSE )

I'M TELLING YOU, THE BEAUTIFUL

FACILITY, AND THEY'RE VERY

VERY GOOD, AND THEY TAKE IT

VERY SERIOUSLY AND I MET THIS

WOMAN, FRANCES WHO IS THE

COMMISSIONER OF JURORS.

WHOA!

>> Paul: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

>> Dave: THIS WOMAN IS GUILTY

OF BEING HOT.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

>> Paul: REALLY?

>> Dave: FANTASTIC.

BABE CITY.

>> Paul: REALLY?

>> Dave: TO SEE THIS AT 8:30

IN THE MORNING, I THAW OH, MAN,

MAYBE I'LL BE SEQUESTERED.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT I WAS, THERE I GAVE IT A

SHOT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I

TRIED MY BEST AND THEY JUST

DON'T WANT ME AS PART OF THE

JURY SYSTEM.

BUT BY GOD WHAT A NICE DAY

THERE IN THE WESTCHESTER

COUNTY COURTHOUSE IN WHITE

PLAINS, MY THANKS TO ALL OF

THOSE PEOPLE.

ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, ROBIN WILLIAMS

WILL BE LOCKED UP.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HAS A BRAP NEW MOVIE, OPENS UP

FRIDAY IN NEW YORK AND L.A..

AND THEN, WELL, MY UNCLE HAD A

THING, HE THOUGHT HE HAD

KIDNEY STONES BUT THEN, AND

THEY PUT A SCAR, THAT HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING!

SHUT UP!

I DON'T THINK I CAN SIT

I WILL TELL YOU THAT BOTH

TIMES THOUGHT DOES FLASH

THROUGH YOUR EYES, THRU YOUR

EYES?

( LAUGHTER )

>> Paul: WELL, THEY FLASH

THROUGH YOUR EYES AND INTO

YOUR MIND.

>> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S

PROBABLY WHERE I GOT THIS ONE.

A THOUGHT FLASHES THROUGH YOUR

MIND FOR JUST A SPLIT SECOND

AS YOU'RE SITTING FROM, OH,