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  • CURIOSITY CHANGED THE WAY WE

  • WASH DISHES, DAVID LETTERMAN!

  • >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

  • I WILL SEE YOU GIRLS LATER AT

  • THE MAY FLOWER.

  • >> Paul: HEY!

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL,

  • YOU FOLKS WILL DO ANYTHING TO

  • GET OUT OF DINNER WITH YOUR

  • RELATIVES, IS THAT THE DEAL?

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • I WANT TO GET RIGHT THROUGH THE

  • SHOW TONIGHT

  • >> Dave: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED IN

  • MY HOUSE EVERY THANKSGIVING

  • EVENING, MY FILIPINO HOUSEBOY,

  • CHICHI SAYS THE SAME THING, HE

  • SAYS I WILL STAY WITH YOU,

  • Mr. DAVE.

  • YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALONE ON A

  • NIGHT LIKE THIS.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: AH, COME ON!

  • OH THIS IS KIND OF WEIRD, AT THE

  • HOUSE MY MOM, EARLY ON CAN'T

  • FIND HER CELL PHONE.

  • THE CELL PHONE IS GONE.

  • SO LIKE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER

  • THE TURKEY STARTS VIBRATING.

  • HELLO?

  • WHOO!

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH.

  • WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • I WANT TO TELL YOU, I HAVEN'T

  • BEEN THIS EXCITED ABOUT A SHOW

  • IN A LONG, LONG TIME.

  • FIRST OF ALL, THANKS TO

  • EVERYBODY HERE FOR BEING HERE ON

  • THANKSGIVING AND SHARING YOUR

  • HOLIDAY WITH US.

  • IT MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO US.

  • GOOD TO HAVE YOU PEOPLE HERE

  • AGAIN THIS YEAR.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: AND SOMETHING VERY

  • EXCITING HAPPENED TO ME MOMENTS

  • AGO.

  • AND I LOVE IT WHEN NEW THINGS

  • HAPPEN BECAUSE YOU THINK WELL,

  • WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 25

  • YEARS OR SO, NOTHING NEW EVER

  • HAPPENS.

  • WELL, EARLIER TONIGHT, A WOMAN

  • FROM ORLANDO, FLORIDA, --

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE

  • I BELIEVE HER NAME WAS CATHY

  • WANTED TO KNOW IF MY BUTT WENT

  • NUMB, NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

  • THANK YOU, CATHY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: WANTED TO KNOW IF MY

  • BUTT EVER GOES NUMB DURING THE

  • SHOW.

  • >> Paul: YES.

  • WHAT DID YOU SAY?

  • >> I SAID WELL THAT'S THE GOAL.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SHOOTING FOR.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE IF

  • MY BUTT IS NUMB, YOUR BUTT IS

  • NUMB.

  • THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW, NOW THE OTHER

  • THING WE HAVE MY MOM, LIVE THERE

  • THE BIG CBS SATELLITE ALL THE

  • WAY FROM INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA.

  • (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SHE, EVERY THANKSGIVING

  • SINCE THE TIME I WAS A YOUNG BOY

  • BAKES WONDERFUL PIES.

  • NOBODY BAKES BETTER PIES THAN MY

  • MOTHER, NOT EVEN THAT EX-CON

  • MARTHA THAT STEWART.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: AND THERE IS TWO PARTS

  • TO PIES.

  • THERE'S THE FILLING, OF COURSE,

  • AND THEN THERE'S THE CRUST.

  • AND NOBODY MAKES BETTER CRUST

  • THAN MY MOM.

  • FOR SOME REASON SHE'S JUST GOT

  • THAT KNACK AND IT'S PERFECT TIME

  • AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN.

  • AND SO EVERY YEAR ON

  • THANKSGIVING SHELL'S MAKE THE

  • PIES.

  • AND WE WILL DEMONSTRATE TO YOU

  • TONIGHT BEYOND A SHADOW OF A

  • DOUBT THAT THERE IS SOME SORT OF

  • COSMIC CONNECTION BETWEEN MOTHER

  • AND SON.

  • I HAVE NOT TALKED TO MY MOTHER

  • TODAY.

  • I KNOW SHE MADE PIES AND I WILL

  • PSYCHICALLY WITHOUT SEEING,

  • SMELLING OR TOUCHING THE PIES,

  • BE ABLE TO DETERMINE THE VARIETY

  • OF PIE THAT MY MOTHER HAS BAKED

  • TODAY FOR THANKSGIVING.

  • IT'S GOING TO BE UNBELIEVABLE.

  • YOU PEM WILL BE TALKING ABOUT IT

  • IN THE CAR ALL THE WAY HOME

  • TONIGHT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: LET ME JUST WARN YOU IN

  • ADVANCE, I WILL PUT MYSELF IN A

  • TRANS.

  • I WILL PUT MYSELF IN A TRANS.

  • DO NOT APPROACH THE DESK.

  • >> Paul: WE WOULD NOT DREAM OF

  • IT.

  • >> Dave: BECAUSE REMEMBER THAT

  • YEAR, ONE YEAR I LOST MY WALLET.

  • >> E OH, WELL, THAT WAS --

  • >> THAT WAS UGLY.

  • >> Paul: I HATED THAT.

  • >> Dave: YOU PROBABLY KNOW THIS

  • THAT PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH, AND

  • EVERY PRESIDENT PRECEDING HIM

  • EVERY YEAR IS KIND OF A THING

  • THEY DO IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • THEY HAVE THE WHITE HOUSE

  • TURKEYS.

  • THEY WILL PARDON A COUPLE OF THE

  • TURKEYS.

  • >> Paul: THAT'S CUTE.

  • >> Dave: AND VIRTUALLY THE ONLY

  • GOOD PRESS HE GETS ALL YEAR.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: DUDE, LET THOSE TURKEYS

  • GO!

  • SO WE'RE STARTING A SIMILAR

  • TRADITION HERE TONIGHT ON THE

  • LATE SHOW FOR OUR THANKSGIVING

  • PROGRAM.

  • YOU CAN TURN ON THE HOUSE

  • LIGHTS?

  • LET ME SEE, THERE'S THE AUDIENCE

  • RIGHT THERE.

  • I TELL YOU WHAT --

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: THERE'S THE AUDIENCE.

  • YEAH, OKAY.

  • THAT COUPLE IN THE SECOND ROW ON

  • THE AISLE, RIGHT THERE, YOU TWO

  • ON THE AISLE, CAN YOU STAND UP

  • FOR A SECOND?

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN LEAVE

  • NOW.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: JUST LIKE THE

  • PRESIDENT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: COULD BE PUMPKIN?

  • >> Paul: THIS IS THE TYPE OF PIE

  • THAT YOUR MOTHER --

  • >> BANANA CREAM, BOSTON CREAM, I

  • COULD GO FOR A BOSTON CREAM PIE.

  • BOYSENBERRY.

  • >> Paul: THIS IS NOT -- THESE

  • ARE NOT -- THESE ARE POSSIBLE

  • PIES.

  • >> Dave: THIS -- PAUL, THIS IS

  • JUST A LIST OF PIES.

  • >> THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

  • THE PIES YOUR MOTHER HAS MADE.

  • >> Dave: THIS IS JUST A LIST OF

  • PIES.

  • >> JUST AN ARBITRARY LIST, YEAH.

  • >> Dave: BUTTERSCOTCH.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Paul: DID SHE EVER MAKE A

  • BUTTER KOCH PIE WHEN YOU WERE A

  • KID.

  • >> Dave: NO.

  • >> Paul: THIS IS A POSSIBLE PIE.

  • >> WE WERE PRESBYTERIAN.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT,

  • OH, MY GOSH, A LOVELY WOMAN AND

  • A BIG, BIG STAR OF THE WILL &

  • GRACE PROGRAM, BY THE WAY, THIS

  • IS THE FINAL SEASON, DOW REALIZE

  • THAT.

  • EIGHT YEARS THEY'VEEND.

  • >> Dave: THAT IS EXCITING.

  • >> HE COULD PRODUCED THAT.

  • >> Dave: AND -- OH, KEY LIME

  • PIE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: YOU KNOW, I COULD GO ON

  • READING THIS ALL NIGHT.

  • I LOVE READING THIS LIST OF

  • PIES.

  • >> Paul: JUST READING THE LIST

  • OF PIE SFOOS I KNOW THAT IT JUST

  • DRIVE CBS CRAZY.

  • >> Paul: AH!

  • ES.

  • >> Dave: HE'S JUST READING DAMN

  • PIES.

  • >> READ A FEW MORE.

  • >> Dave: STRAWBERRY.

  • >> Paul: STRAWBERRY PIE.

  • >> Dave: CHUCKBERRY.

  • HALLE BERRY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: SHEPHERD'S PIE.

  • SHEPHERD SMITH.

  • >> Paul: MARVELOUS.

  • >> Dave: DUTCH APPLE.

  • FIONA APPLE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: EVERY YEAR WE HAVE

  • THANKSGIVING DINNER RIGHT HERE.

  • BECAUSE WE'RE ONE BIG FAMILY AT

  • THE LATE SHOW AND EVERY YEAR WE

  • HAVE THE BIG SPREAD.

  • AND IT WAS PARTICULARLY TASTY

  • THIS YEAR, DIDN'T YOU THINK SO.

  • >> Paul: THE FULL SPREAD.

  • >> Dave: DAMN GOOD, FULL SPREAD.

  • EVERYBODY COMES IN.

  • WE WILL SHOW YOU A COUPLE OF

  • MINUTES HOW THE BIG LUNCHEON

  • WENT THIS AFTERNOON.

  • WILL YOU SEE RIGHT THERE, A

  • COUPLE OF MY ASSISTANTS,

  • STEPHANIE AND JOANNE, SHEILA

  • ROGERS AND ARLO, WHAT A HANDSOME

  • BOY.

  • PAUL AND HIS DAUGHTER, VICTORIA,

  • AND LOOK AT HOW BIG VICTORIA HAS

  • GOTTEN.

  • THERE IS MY GOOD FRIEND HUFF,

  • HELLO, HUFF.

  • >> Paul: YES.

  • >> Dave: THIS IS BIFF NOW

  • WORKING OVER THE GRAPHY.

  • YEAH, WE HAD TO TAKE SOME

  • PRECAUTIONS THIS YEAR BECAUSE OF

  • THE BIRD FLU.

  • AND THEN ALAN KALTER WAS NICE

  • ENOUGH TO DO THE HONORS, SLICING

  • THE TURKEY.

  • THIS IS GOOD, THE CAROLINA

  • CHEERLEADERS, THE CAROLINA

  • PANTHERS FIGHTING OVER TURKEY.

  • AND THEN IT WAS ME DRESSED UP AS

  • THE PILGRIM.

  • THAT HAS BEEN AROUND FOR QUITE A

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: MINCE MEAT.

  • >> Paul: S THAT HE A A GREAT

  • PIE.

  • >> Dave: RHUBARB.

  • >> Paul: YEAH, I GUESSED THAT

  • ONE YEAR AND I WAS RIGHT,

  • REMEMBER THAT?

  • >> YOU WERE RIGHT ON THE MONEY.

  • THERE IS NO GUESSMENT YOU WILL

  • BE GUESSING BUT I WON'T.

  • I WILL KNOW.

  • MY MIND IS A BLANK CLEAR SCREEN.

  • AND DIVISION, I HAVE IMAGES OF

  • PIE IN MY HEAD.

  • >> Paul: DANCING IN YOUR HEAD,

  • YEAH.

  • >> Dave: WELL, NO.

  • JUST PIE.

  • >> Paul: PIE THERE, STATIONERY.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: WELL YES.

  • >> Paul: NOT DANCING.

  • >> NO, IT'S NOT DANCING.

  • >> STATIONERY PIE, IT'S JUST

  • SITTING, FLOATING, FLOATING IN

  • A --

  • >> NO, STATIONERY, WE WERE

  • PRESBYTERIAN.

  • >> IS THAT A --

  • >> AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

  • IT'S TIME FOR SOMETHING WE CALL

  • THE PRESIDENTIAL YAM COUNTER.

  • THE PRESIDENTIAL YAM COUNTER.

  • [♪♪♪]

  • >> YAM.

  • YAM, YAM, MARSHMALLOW AND YAM..

  • >> Dave: BA-BA.

  • BA-BA.

  • THANK YOU.

  • BY THE WAY, THERE ARE TWO PIES

  • TONIGHT.

  • YOU CAN TAKE PUMPKIN TO THE

  • BANK.

  • ONE ABSOLUTELY.

  • >> Paul: YOU ARE SURE ALREADY.

  • >> Dave: ABSOLUTELY.

  • I'M GETTING IT ALREADY.

  • >> Paul: HAVE YOU GOTTEN IT?

  • >> WELL, JUST BEFORE MY BUTT

  • WENT NUMB, I --

  • >> GOT A FEELING.

  • >> I GOT A FEELING.

  • >> Paul: SO THAT'S HOW YOU DO

  • IT.

  • >> Dave: HELLO, NUMB BUTT.

  • HOW DO YOU DO?

  • HEY, IT'SING DAY

  • PARADE ♪♪

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • ONE YEAR IT WAS APPLE PE CAN.

  • ONE YEAR PUMPKIN RASPBERRY, ONE

  • YEAR PUMPKIN APPLE, ONE YEAR

  • PUMPKIN RED RASPBERRY CHIFFON.

  • ONE YEAR PUMPKIN RHUBARB.

  • ONE YEAR IT WAS ONE PUMPKIN AND

  • TWO CHERRY PIES, SHE WENT NUTS.

  • ONE YEAR A PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE

  • CHIFFON.

  • OH THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT.

  • BY THE WAY IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO

  • GET A BET DOWN.

  • >> Paul: I ENTERED THE POOL.

  • I HAVE MONEY IN THE POOL.

  • >> Dave: NOW LISTEN, TONIGHT

  • WE'VE GONE TO SPARE NO

  • EXEXPERIENCE -- EXPENSE TO BRING

  • YOU SOMETHING I DON'T THINK WILL

  • YOU SEE ON TELEVISION AGAIN.

  • THE CBS TECHNICIANS HAVE BEEN

  • WORKING IN NEW JERSEY -- OR WAS

  • IT NEWARK.

  • NO, I THINK IT WAS TRENTON AND

  • THEY'VE DEVELOPED SOMETHING

  • CALLED THE CBS GRAPHY CAN.

  • WATCH THIS, LOAD IT UP, THE CBS

  • GRAVY CAM, BE CAREFUL.

  • HE'S LIGHTING UP THE GRAVY CAM

  • NOW.

  • YOU WON'T SEE THIS THIS ANYWHERE

  • HONEST TO GOD.

  • ONLY FOR THANKSGIVING.

  • ONLY ON CBS.

  • ALL THIS AND MY MOM ON THE

  • SATELLITE.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: IS THAT SOMETHING.

  • IT'S A THING OF BEAUTY, ISN'T

  • IT?

  • EXCELLENT.

  • GO AHEAD, FILLER UP, DAVE.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

  • >> Dave: PAUL SHAFFER, LADIES

  • AND GENTLEMEN.

  • HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

  • HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYBODY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: MEGAN MULLALLY AND THE

  • JOHN MAYER TRIO.

  • LAST YEAR I CAN TELL YOU WHAT IT

  • WAS, ONE PUMPKIN, 2004, ONE

  • CHOCOLATE CHIFFON.

  • GREAT COMBINATION.

  • 1993, SHE WENT NUTS, ORANGE

  • PUMPKIN PIE WITH WHIP CREAM AND

  • HICKORY NUTS.

  • AND SHE ONLY MADE ONE PIE THAT

  • YEAR.

  • >> Paul: HARD TO GUESS THAT.

  • >> Dave: I THINK SHE GOT IN OVER

  • HER HEAD WITH THAT ONE.

  • >> Paul: YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT,

  • WHO WOULDN'T.

  • >> Dave: HOW?

  • >> WHO WOULDN'T.

  • >> Dave: WELL, EXACTLY RIGHT.

  • ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY, I WILL

  • BE IN A SMALL TRANSSO DO NOT

  • APPROACH THE DESK.

  • TURN ON THE SATELLITE.

  • LET'S GO LIVE TO INDIANAPOLIS,

  • INDIANA.

  • SAY HELLO TO MY MOM.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: HEY, MOM.

  • HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU, MOM.

  • YOU LOOK TREMENDOUSMENT HOW ARE

  • YOU DOING TODAY?

  • >> DOING GREAT.

  • >> Dave: HOW IS THE WEATHER

  • THERE IN INDIANAPOLIS?

  • >> WELL, IT'S 26°, BUT IT FEELS

  • LIKEBECAUSE OF THE WIND.

  • >> Dave: YOU GOT THE WINDCHILL

  • FACTOR.

  • HOW DO THEY CATE THAT WINDCHILL

  • FACTOR, MOM?

  • WHAT DO THEY DO THERE?

  • >> I HAVE NO IDEA.

  • >> Dave: THEY TAKE THE SPEED OF

  • THE WIND AND SUBTRACT THE

  • TEMPERATURE AND MULTIPLY IT BY

  • FREEZING, ISN'T THAT WHAT IT IS?

  • >> IF YOU SAY SO.

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: MOM, I HOPE I DON'T

  • EMBARRASS HER BUT SHE HAS A

  • COUPLE TRADITIONS EVERY

  • THANKSGIVING.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, LAST NIGHT YOU

  • SLEPT IN THE YARD S THAT RIGHT?

  • >> NO!

  • >> Dave: OH.

  • MAYBE THAT WAS JUST ME WHEN I

  • WAS A KID.

  • I USUALLY SLEPT IN THE YARD.

  • BY THE WAY, THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL

  • FLOWERS BEHIND YOU.

  • WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM?

  • >> YOU SENT THOSE TO ME

  • YESTERDAY.

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH, DAVID.

  • THEY'RE LOVELY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Paul: YOU DEVIL, YOU.

  • >> Dave: MOM, LET ME ASK YOU A

  • QUESTION.

  • DID THE OTHER KIDS SEND YOU

  • ANYTHING?

  • >>.

  • THEY DIDN'T, DIDN'T THEY?

  • NO, NO, THEY DIDN'T.

  • THEY ARE OUT DRINKING THEIR

  • COLLEGE MONEY SOMEWHERE.

  • AND THE OTHER -- THE OTHER

  • TRADITION, EVERY MORNING MOM

  • GETS UP EARLY AND DRIVES 465 IS

  • A BYPASS FOR INDIANAPOLIS, 465

  • AND IT GOES AROUND THE CITY.

  • SHE GETS UP EARLY AND DRIVES

  • AROUND THERE, PICKING UP

  • HITCHHIKERS AND BRINGING THEM

  • BACK TO THE HOUSE.

  • >> Paul: SHE DOES?

  • >> DID YOU HAVE FUN DOING THAT

  • THIS MORNING, MOM?

  • >> OH, DAVID!

  • >> Paul: CERTAINLY APPROPRIATE

  • RESPONSE.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE A

  • WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL, PERFECT

  • KIND OF CHILLY NOVEMBER

  • AFTERNOON FOR A THANKSGIVING.

  • AND I CAN SEE THERE THAT YOU'VE

  • BEEN BAKING THE PIES.

  • HOW MANY DO WE HAVE TONIGHT,

  • MOM.

  • >> WE HAVE TWO PIES.

  • >> TWO PIES, TWO PIES.

  • AND AS YOU KNOW, I WILL -- I

  • DON'T NEED ANY HINTS FOR THIS.

  • GO AHEAD, YOU BETTER NOT UNCOVER

  • THEM, ALL RIGHT.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Dave: NOW IN A MINUTE, WHEN I

  • GO INTO THE TRANS, ALL I NEED

  • FROM YOU IS TO TRANSMIT THE NAME

  • OF THE FIRST PIE.

  • DO YOU UNDERSTAND, JUST THE NAME

  • THE VARIETY OF THE FIRST PIE.

  • >> I'M TRANSMITTING.

  • >> NOT YET, MOM!

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: WAIT TILL I GIVE YOU

  • THE SIGNAL, ALL RIGHT?

  • >> OH, ALL RIGHT.

  • >> Dave: FIRST I HAVE TO GO INTO

  • A TRANCE, ALL RIGHT, MOM.

  • >> OKAY.

  • >> Dave: AND WILL USE SOME

  • SWAMEE MUSIC, ALL RIGHT, PAUL.

  • HERE WE GO.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

  • ARE YOU TRANSMITTING, MOM.

  • >> I'M TRANSMITTING.

  • >> Dave: OKAY.

  • THE FIRST PIE PUMPKIN.

  • >> YOU'RE RIGHT.

  • >> OH MY GOD!

  • >> Paul: OH!

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: BOY, LOOK AT THAT.

  • I'M TELLING YOU.

  • MARTHA STEWART SHOULD LOOK AT

  • THAT AND GO RIGHT BACK TO

  • PRISON.

  • LOOK AT THAT PIE!

  • IS THAT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

  • PUMPKIN PIE YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN

  • YOUR LIFE.

  • >> Paul: PERFECT, LOOK AT THE

  • GLIMMER, THE SHINE.

  • >> Dave: WHEN DID YOU BAKE THESE

  • MOM, THIS MORNING?

  • >> THIS MORNING.

  • >> Dave: OH MY GOD SO THEY ARE

  • STILL PIPING HOT, FRESH, OUT OF

  • THE OVEN.

  • >> THEY'RE COOLED OFF BY NOW.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Paul: HONESTY IS THE BEST

  • POLICY.

  • THAT'S WHY SHE WON'T --

  • >> I WILL GO INTO A TRANCE AGAIN

  • MOM, AND I WILL GUESS THE SECOND

  • PIE.

  • THIS TIME I WILL ASK YOU TO

  • TRANSMIT ON A DIFFERENT

  • FREQUENCY, IF YOU WILL.

  • FOR SECURITY F YOU CAN SWITCH

  • FREQUENCIES, ALL RIGHT.

  • >> Dave: ALL RIGHT, I'M IN.

  • PIE NUMBER TWO, SHOW ME CHERRY!

  • >> NO.

  • >> Dave: AH, COME ON!

  • IS IT APPLE?

  • >> NO.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: IS IT ONE OF THOSE

  • WEIRD NUT PIES YOU MAKE FROM

  • TIME TO TIME?

  • >> NOT THIS YEAR.

  • >> Dave: OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS,

  • IT SUGAR CREAM PIE.

  • >> NO.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Paul: THAT WAS A GOOD GUESS,

  • THOUGH.

  • >> Dave: IT WAS AN EXCELLENT

  • GUESS.

  • CHERRY.

  • >> NOT CHERRY.

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • DID I SAY CHERRY ALREADY?

  • >> YES, YOU DID.

  • >> Dave: PAUL, YOU WANT TO HELP

  • ME OUT -- OH, I KNOW, RHUBARB.

  • >> NOT, RHUBARB.

  • >> Paul: SHE WOULDN'T DO IT.

  • >> Dave: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

  • >> Paul: OH, YOU ARE GOING TO

  • THE LIST.

  • HEY, MOM, HAVE YOU MADE THIS PIE

  • BEFORE?

  • >> YES, I HAVE.

  • >> Dave: WHAT YEAR, DO YOU

  • REMEMBER WHAT YEAR YOU MADE IT.

  • >> Paul: NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

  • I KNOW, I KNOW.

  • RASPBERRY.

  • >> NOT RASPBERRY.

  • >> Dave: CHOCOLATE.

  • >> NO.

  • >> Dave: COCONUT BUTTERSCOTCH PE

  • CAN.

  • >> NO.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: I'M OUT OF PIES.

  • FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

  • GIVE ME A HINT, MOM.

  • >> WELL, IT'S A BERRY PIE.

  • >> Dave: BERRY PIE, STRAWBERRY,

  • STRAWBERRY?

  • >> NO.

  • >> Dave: IS POISONOUS.

  • >> OF COURSE NOT.

  • >> Dave: RED RASPBERRY.

  • >> YOU GUESSED THAT ALREADY.

  • >> Dave: SEE.

  • BLUEBERRY.

  • >> YOU GOT IT.

  • >> OH MY GOD!

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: BLUEBERRY.

  • NOW MOM, THIS STRICTLY SPEAKING

  • IS OUT OF SEASON, THIS BLUEBERRY

  • PIE, THAT'S WHAT THREW ME.

  • >> WELL, I PUT BLUEBERRIES IN

  • THE FREEZER IN SEASON.

  • >> Dave: WELL, THANKS FOR

  • LETTING ME KNOW.

  • >> NOW YOU KNOW.

  • >> Dave: WELL, THEY'RE

  • ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.

  • AND AFTER THE BIG DINNER, OH,

  • FIRST OF ALL, DO YOU MIND IF WE

  • TAKE A PEAK IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR

  • THIS IS ALWAYS FUN ON

  • THANKSGIVING TO SEE WHAT MOM HAS

  • GOT GOING ON IN HER REFRIGERATOR

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: WAIT A MINUTE.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: OKAY.

  • NOW MOM, WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING

  • AFTER THANKSGIVING DINNER?

  • >> WELL, THE BAKERY WANTS THEIR

  • PIES BACK.

  • >> Dave: OH, YOU'RE JUST

  • KIDDING.

  • HAVE A GREAT DAY MOM, THANK YOU

  • VERY MUCH.

  • HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: HEAR'S TONIGHT'S TOP

  • TEN LIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

  • DOESN'T SHE LOOK TREMENDOUS.

  • >> Paul: SHE IS FANTASTIC.

  • >> Dave: JUST LOVELY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: CATEGORY, CATEGORY

  • THANKS I, DAVE, AM THANKFUL FOR.

  • CATEGORY IS THINKS I'M THANKFUL

  • FOR.

  • NUMBER TEN.

  • >> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

  • ONAR TELEVISION SHOW

  • "WILL & GRACE" AND HAS BEEN KIND

  • ENOUGH TO SPEND PART OF HER

  • THANKSGIVING WITH US.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE'S THE

  • LOVELY MEGAN MULLALLY.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • [♪♪♪]

  • >> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: WHO WERE THOSE PEOPLE?

  • >> WE CAME STRAIGHT FROM THE

  • TRAIN PARADE.

  • >> Dave: STRAIGHT FROM THE

  • PARADE.

  • >> YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US

  • GETTING THROUGH THE SUBWAY

  • TURNSTILE, NIGHTMARE.

  • >> Dave: WELL, THAEP

  • THANKSGIVING, THANK YOU VERY

  • MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

  • >> THANK YOU SO MUCH INTO HOW IS

  • YOUR DAY GOING SO FAR.

  • >> IT'S GOING PRETTY WELL.

  • >> Dave: LATER YOU WILL BE WITH

  • YOUR FAMILY.

  • >> WE'RE COMING TO YOUR PLACE,

  • RIGHT?

  • >> Dave: OH?

  • >> ME AND THE BAND.

  • >> Dave: YOU ARE CERTAINLY MORE

  • THAN WELCOME.

  • IS YOUR FAMILY WITH YOU HERE.

  • >> YES, MY MOM IS HERE.

  • AND HER BOYFRIEND, MY HUSBAND --

  • >> MOM AND BOYFRIEND.

  • >> YES, AND TWO OF MY FRIENDS

  • I'VE KNOWN SINCE 7th GRADE AND

  • THEIR HUSBANDS.

  • WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE DIN

  • ENGINE THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

  • >> YEAH, MY MOM AND HER

  • BOYFRIEND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, I

  • WANT TO SAY SIX OR SEVEN YEARS

  • NOW, THEY'RE SOMEWHERE OUT

  • THERE.

  • >> Dave: COULD I ASK HOW OLD

  • YOUR MOM IS?

  • >> SHE'S YOUR MOM'S AGE,

  • ACTUALLY.

  • >> Dave: MY MOM'S 84.

  • >> YES, WELL, THERE YOU GO.

  • AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

  • BOYFRIEND, IS JUST A TEENY BIT

  • OLDER THAN MY MOM.

  • AND THEY HAVE A VERY LOVELY

  • RELATIONSHIP.

  • YEAH, MY MOM AND MY DAD WERE

  • FRIENDS WITH MY MOM'S NOW

  • BOYFRIEND AND HIS WIFE A LONG

  • TIME AGO WHEN I WAS A KID, HIS

  • WIFE PASSED AWAY, AND MY DAD

  • PASSED AWAY AND THEY WERE SET UP

  • ON A BLIND DATE AND HAVE BEEN

  • TOGETHER EVER SINCE.

  • >> Dave: VERY NICE.

  • LOVELY STORY.

  • THEY SOUND LIKE THEY ARE IN GOOD

  • SHAPE.

  • >> YES, AND THEY ALWAYS REALLY

  • -- THEY COMPLETELY WEAR US OUT.

  • THEY -- WE CANNOT OUTLAST THEM.

  • IT WILL BE 2:30 IN THE MORNING

  • AND THEY WILL BE, WANT ANOTHER

  • GLASS OF WINE?

  • MY HUSBAND SAID THAT WE HAVE TO

  • TRY TO SCORE SOME TRUCKER SPEED

  • THE NEXT TIME WE'RE OUT WITH

  • THEM ME OFF

  • VERY CHIVALROUSLY I THOUGHT THAT

  • WAS NICE OF HIM.

  • >> Dave: WHAT WAS HE LIKE.

  • HE WAS DRESSED UP AS A FARMER

  • AND SINGING.

  • WAS THAT FUN?

  • >> I LIKE HIM, I THINK HE'S

  • FUNNY AND I GET A BIG KICK OUT

  • OF HIM.

  • BECAUSE I THINK HE JUST WANTS TO

  • HAVE FUN NOW.

  • HE HAS LIKE $48 BILLION, AND WHY

  • NOT HAVE FUN.

  • >> Dave: EXACTLY.

  • >> YEAH, AND I GET A KICK OUT OF

  • HIM.

  • AND HE WAS REALLY INTO IT,

  • APPARENTLY FOR WEEKS BEFORE, HE

  • WAS SINGING GREEN ACRES AROUND

  • THE OFFICE.

  • AND IT WAS HIS IDEA TO WEAR THE

  • OVERALLS.

  • HE -- I HAD A PITCH FOR THE SONG

  • I WANTED TO ADD AT LEAST ONE

  • JOKE.

  • AND IT GOES, YOU KNOW T GOES --

  • THE STORES -- THE CHORE, THE

  • STORES, FRESH AIR, TIMES SQUARE,

  • AND SO I PITCHED FRESH AIR, AND

  • I WAS DOING IT AS MY KAREN, --

  • CHARACTER KAREN.

  • >> FRESH AIR, BLACK TAR HEROIN.

  • AND HE HAD THE SAME REACTION.

  • YEAH.

  • AND HE SAID -- AND'S SAID PEOPLE

  • DON'T LIKE HEROIN RIGHT NOW.

  • >> Dave: RIGHT NOW.

  • >> YEAH, RIGHT NOW.

  • LIKE THEY USED TO LIKE IT, BUT

  • NOW IT'S OUT.

  • >> Dave: YEAH, SURE.

  • THEY WILL COME BACK TO IT.

  • >> THEY NEVER LIKED IT, REALLY,

  • THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.

  • AND I SAY WELL, WHAT IF I SAY --

  • TRUMP TOWER.

  • AND HE SAID WELL, NOW, PEOPLE

  • LIKE THAT.

  • THAT WILL GO --

  • >> PREFER THAT TO HEROIN, HANDS

  • DOWN.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Dave: AND HER IT IS, AND, OH,

  • YOU LOOK LOVELY.

  • AND YOU CAN'T TELL YOU ARE

  • INJURED.

  • >> AREN'T YOU NICE IS THAT AND

  • THIS WAS THE WINNING PERFORMANCE

  • S THAT RIGHT?

  • >> WELL, WE DID -- WE BEAT

  • OUT -- SHATNER WAS THE ONE TO

  • BEAT AND WE BEAT OUT SHATNER,

  • SOMEHOW.

  • TRUMP TOLD ME THAT IF I SAID

  • BLACK TAR HEROIN WE WOULDN'T

  • WIN.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> SO I DIDN'T WANT THAT TO BE

  • ON MY HEAD.

  • >> Dave: YEAH.

  • AND I GUESS THERE WAS VERY

  • LITTLE CHANCE OF HIM FALLING ON

  • THE PITCHFORK.

  • >> NO.

  • YOU SAY THAT KIND OF WISTFULLY.

  • >> Dave: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN

  • TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR, I GUESS.

  • >> SHOOT.

  • >> Dave: AM I RIGHT ABOUT THIS S

  • IS TRAUMATIC.

  • AND THIS AND THAT.

  • BUT I HAD A LOVE INTEREST THIS

  • YEAR.

  • >> Dave: ALEC BALDWIN.

  • >> Dave: HE IS TREMENDOUS.

  • >> HE IS GREAT.

  • HE'S JUST A GREAT GUY, SO FUNNY.

  • >> Dave: HE IS VERY FUNNY.

  • >> THERE IS ONE EPISODE, I'M A

  • CHARACTER ACTRESS SO I DON'T

  • HAVE A LOT OF KISSING SCENES

  • NORMALLY.

  • BUT I HAD TO REALLY KISS HIM FOR

  • AN EXTENDED PERIOD BECAUSE IT

  • WAS THIS VERY -- IT WAS SUPPOSED

  • TO BE A DINNER WHERE HE AND I

  • ARE A GROSS -- ACROSS THE TABLE

  • FROM ANOTHER COUPLE AND THEY ARE

  • ON A BLIND DATE.

  • AND WE ARE VERY INAPPROPRIATELY

  • MAKING OUT FOR LIKE AN EXTENDED

  • PERIOD OF TIME SO MY HUSBAND IS

  • VERY SWEET.

  • HE COMES TO ALMOST EVERY TAPING.

  • SO HE IS THERE, WHICH IS ONE --

  • THAT IS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

  • >> Dave: SO HE HAS TO WATCH YOU

  • MAKING OUT WITH ALEC BALDWIN.

  • >> YEAH.

  • BUT THEN.

  • >> Dave: OUCH.

  • >> WHERE THIS IS TRUE, MY

  • EX-HUSBAND IS ALEC BALDWIN'S

  • AGENT.

  • SO HE IS ALSO THERE.

  • SO THEY ARE BOTH STANDING THERE.

  • >> Dave: CRAZY.

  • >> LOOKING GOOD.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> Dave: THAT'S CRAZY.

  • >> IT WAS HORRIBLE.

  • THAT'S NOT FAIR, THE ONE TIME I

  • GET TO KISS SOMEBODY AND I GOT

  • TWO HUSBANDS OUT THERE.

  • >> Dave: AIN'T THAT THE WAY.

  • >> ISN'T IT?

  • >> NOW, THIS IS -- YOU HAVE

  • ACTUALLY FRAGRANCES S THAT

  • RIGHT?

  • >> THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING, SEE,

  • YEAH, I JUST -- THIS ONE, YOU

  • KNOW, EVERYBODY'S DOING THOSE

  • FRAGRANCES, SO I THOUGHT I NEED

  • TO JUMP ON THAT BAND WAGON AND

  • GET A PIECE OF THE ACTION.

  • THIS ONE IS KIND OF FOR A FIRST

  • DATE.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: THIRD BASE.

  • >> YEAH.

  • (APPLAUSE)

  • >> THIS O ONE IS IF YOU WANT TO

  • FEEL NOR BOSMY.

  • I CALL IT "BOSOMY"

  • >> Dave: NOW, HOW EXACTLY DOES A

  • FRAGRANCE MAKE ONE FEEL BOSOMY.

  • >> OH, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO

  • KNOW.

  • >> Dave: YES, I WOULD.

  • >> AND THIS ONE, IF I WENT TO

  • THE FRAGRANCE COMPANY AND THEY

  • SAID IF YOU COULD PICK ONE WORD

  • TO DESCRIBE YOU, I SAID THAT'S

  • EASY, OBVIOUSLY.

  • (LAUGHTER)

  • >> Dave: IT'S GOING TO BE VERY

  • SUCCESSFUL.

  • >> A

  • >> Dave: THERE'S SOMETHING VERY

  • SPECIAL MORE YOU THIS EVENING,

  • BIFF HENDERSON, ONE OF OUR STAGE

  • MANAGERS WILL NOW BE TELLING US

  • THE STORY OF THE FIRST

  • THANKSGIVING.

  • BIFF?

  • >> THANKS, DAVE.

  • THANKSGIVING COMMEMORATES THE

  • BATTLES THAT FACED THE PILGRIMS

  • IN THEIR NATIVE AMERICA IN 1621.

  • WHILE THERE WERE TOUGH TIMES IN

  • PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS, THE

  • FIRST THANKSGIVING WAS A TIME

  • FOR THE PILL FWRIMS TO REFLECT

  • ON ALL THE GIFTS WAITING FOR

  • THEM IN THE NEW WORLD.

  • >> Dave: BIFF, THAT'S A LOVELY

  • SENTIMENT.

  • BUT WHY EXACTLY ARE YOU DRESSED

  • AS A -- IS THAT LIKE A VAMPIRE

  • IS THAT LIKE DAMAGE YOU LA, IT

  • LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE DRACULA, WHAT

  • IS THAT?

  • >> IT IS ALL THE THINGS LYING

  • AROUND.

  • AND ALL THE COSTUME SHOPS ARE

  • CLOSED BECAUSE IT'S THANKSGIVING

  • DUMB ASS.

  • MAKING US WORK JUST BECAUSE YOU

  • DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS WHO WANT

  • TO EAT WITH YOU.

  • >> Dave: OKAY.

  • >> HOPE THEY RIP YOUR HEART OUT

  • AGAIN OLD MAN?

  • >> WHAT?

  • WHAT?

  • >> THANKS, BIFF, BIFF HENDERSON,

  • WITH THE STORY OF THE FIRST

  • THANKSGIVING.

CURIOSITY CHANGED THE WAY WE

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