Today is Donald Trump's 70th birthday.

Yay.

70 years of Donald Trump.

Yes, the man was born in 1946.

Or, as it will be known after he's elected, the Year Zero.

And, uh, and look at him, look at him--

like a cheap cheese, he's barely aged. Yes.

He could easily pass for 63.

So, uh, congratulations, Donald.

And more importantly, congrats to Melania,

who is one year closer to freedom.

Now, uh, one of the strangest celebrations

for Trump's big day didn't even take place in America.

In India-- and this is real--

an anti-Muslim nationalist group

threw a party in Donald Trump's honor.

They made him a cake, they prayed over it

and then they fed it to a Donald Trump poster.

People, you're literally feeding the troll.

Now, this group called, uh, Hindu Sena

could not be more excited for Trump's birthday.

And more importantly, the possibility of his presidency.

TRANSLATOR: When Donald Trump becomes the king of the

United States then we will not be scared to speak our minds.

And he will stop us from having to kill

Islamic terrorists, too.

Wow, okay.

The king of the United States?

This is such a strange story.

These people cannot wait for Donald Trump

to become president, because then they think

he will kill Islamic terrorists for them

and then they won't have to do it themselves.

That is so insane. I never thought I'd see the day

when Indians would be outsourcing their jobs

to Americans.

-(cheering, applause) -This is...

quite a thing.

Now... now, everyone celebrates their birthday differently.

Some people go to a bar,

some people have a nice, intimate dinner.

Some people wait all day for a surprise party

that never came.

But Donald Trump had his own way of celebrating.

Donald Trump this morning

suggested on two separate occasions that President Obama

may be purposely allowing terror attacks to take place.

TRUMP: We're led by a man that either is... is...

is not tough, not smart,

or he's got something else in mind.

And the something else in mind--

you know, people can't believe it.

There's something going on.

Are you (bleep) me?

Donald Trump, the Republican nominee,

is saying the president of the United States

is a secret agent for ISIS.

He's accusing Obama of treason.

If ever there was a way you know that President Obama

is not an African president, this is it.

Because if you pulled this (bleep) in Africa,

we would not know where Donald Trump is right now.

We would not know.

(cheering, applause)

I mean, rea... An ISIS agent?

Really? An agent that bombs ISIS banks,

killed bin Laden, drones them nonstop--

really, an ISIS agent? This is so ridicu... It's... You know?

And clearly, come-come on, let's be honest,

he's-he's the worst sleeper agent of all time, then.

Donald Trump is a deceitful, shameless birthday boy.

And... and by the way, if you ask me, if you ask me,

there's only one sleeper agent in this race,

and we all know who that is.

Shh.

(mouths)

Look, people, the stakes are getting high now.

The Republican and Democratic party primaries are over

and we now know that the next president of the United States

is definitely going to be either the She-Wolf of Wall Street

or an expired bottle of Sunny Delight.

And yesterday America had a rare opportunity to compare them

in almost scientific conditions, because both Hillary and Trump

gave major speeches in the wake of the Orlando shooting.

But the vibe of the speeches were very, very different.

Hillary's speech was calm and mature.

She didn't even mention Donald Trump once.

Instead, she focused on policy.

We also have to use all our capabilities

to counter jihadist propaganda online.

As president, I will work with our great tech companies

from Silicon Valley to Boston to step up our game.

We have to do a better job

intercepting ISIS' communications,

tracking and analyzing social media posts.

That is a great idea, Hillary, yes.

You know what, why don't you set up a server and then I'll...

You... Actually, you know what? You know what, no.

You know, I'll handle the server, you...

you analyze the results.

Now, every time there's a terrorist attack in America

you know it's only a matter of time

before the anti-Muslim rhetoric flares up.

And, knowing this,

Hillary did her part to present an alternative.

Millions of peace-loving Muslims live, work

and raise their families across America.

And they are the most likely to recognize

the insidious effects of radicalization

before it's too late,

and the best position to help us block it.

So we should be intensifying contacts in those communities,

not scapegoating or isolating them.

(applause)

It's a powerful statement, and it's true.

So, uh, looking at the speeches, what have we learned?

Under these conditions, our research shows

that our first test subject, Hillary,

has, uh, exhibited signs of compassion,

resolve and restraint. And, yes, and, yes,

so what if "compassion, resolve and restraint"

were the stage directions in her teleprompter?

Being human isn't easy for everyone, okay?

But it's now time for us to look at our second test subject,

The Donald.

But the Muslims have to work with us.

They have to work with us. They know what's going on.

They know that he was bad.

They knew the people in San Bernardino were bad.

But you know what? They didn't turn 'em in,

and we had death and destruction.

Yes, Donald.

Yes.

Every single Muslim person knows exactly

what every other Muslim person is thinking.

They all... Oh, no, wait.

No, wait, you're thinking of bees.

That's what you're thinking of.

That's bees.

Or, as you call them, Buslims. Yes, yes.

So, under identical conditions,

the second subject exhibited signs of paranoia,

xenophobia and, clearly, late-stage jaundice.

Uh... You know what?

Jokes aside, people, let's cut the crap.

This guy's (bleep) crazy dangerous.

Instead of trying to move America forward,

he spent most of his speech lying

and laying out his plan to turn America on itself.

We have a dysfunctional immigration system

which does not permit us

to know who we let into our country.

-MAN: True. -Uh, not true.

Actually, America has a very strict immigration process.

-Trust me, I know. -(laughter)

Uh, you were saying?

Hillary Clinton-- her plan is to disarm law-abiding Americans,

abolishing the Second Amendment,

and leaving only the bad guys and terrorists with guns.

No good. Not gonna happen, folks.

Not gonna happen.

Yes. You know why it's not gonna happen?

Because Hillary's not trying to abolish the Second Amendment.

That's also a lie.

If Hillary basically said anything,

Trump would go against...

If Hillary said that jaywalking was bad,

Trump would be like,

"Hillary Clinton wants to cut everyone's legs off.

-Is that the candidate you want?" -(laughter)

"Someone who believes that your legs should be bloody stumps?

"Her plan is to dis-leg law-abiding Americans.

Not good. Won't happen. Not good."

Try again.

The bottom line is that the only reason

the killer was in America in the first place was

because we allowed his family to come here.

That is a fact, and it's a fact we need to talk about.

Yeah, you know what, Trump? Let's talk about that fact.

His parents came to the U.S. from Afghanistan in the '80s,

I assume to see a Go-Go's concert.

-And then they stayed. -(laughter)

Afghanistan was not a terrorist-harboring country

at the time.

In fact, they were helping America

in the fight against communism.

So there's no way you could have known

that their American-born child would have grown up

to do what he did.

There's no way to know that.

There's no box on the immigration form that says,

"Do you plan to accidentally raise a child

that could be a danger to America?"

That box doesn't exist.

Because if that box existed, what would have happened is,

when your mother immigrated to the U.S. from Scotland,

she would have checked "yes" and "yes."

-That's what she would have done! -(laughter)

-Yeah. -(cheers and applause)

There's no way you could have known!

Oh, although I get... That's...

Okay, that's not fair, though. That's not fair.

'Cause I guess 'cause she's Scottish,

she would have checked "Aye, aye, aye."

(Scottish accent): "My wee Donald

"is gonna destroy all of it.

"He's my little dragon.

He'll breathe fire on your two-party system."

(laughter)

Even when Donald Trump was speaking up

for the LGBT community, he turned it strangely

into an oddly-placed attack on Hillary Clinton.

Ask yourself who is really the friend of women

and the LB and LGBT community?

Donald Trump with actions, or Hillary Clinton with her words?

I will tell you who the better friend is,

and some day, I believe that will be proven out bigly.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Bigly?

That's, um... that's not a word.

(laughter)

Here's a tip.

Uh, if you're going to invent a word,

-don't put it at the end of the sentence. -(laughter)

What you need to do is you slip it in the middle

in a geminat way while no one is paying attention.

Oh, and by the way, there are plenty of words that mean "big."

I mean, colossal, large, huge,

gigantic, considerable, enormous, immense, tremendous.

Like, how do you pick literally the only one

that you can't add an "LY" to?

-The only one! -(laughter)

I...

Look, people, at the end of the day, I understand.

I understand that both of these were speeches, right?

But campaign speeches are sort of like wedding vows.

They're a promise.

A promise of a shared future.

And right now, one of those futures threatens

to (bleep) America.