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  • Folks, the 2016 presidential election is almost

  • upon us and I for one captain wait to see who the american

  • people elect next for John Boehner to sue.

  • Of course, former first lady, former senator, and former

  • secretary of state Hillary Clinton is the current

  • front-runner, which is surprising since it sounds like

  • she can't hold down a job.

  • (laughter) Now, secretary Clinton says she

  • hasn't made up her mind about whether she's running yet, but

  • me thinks she doth not make up her mind yet too much.

  • Let's just look at the facts.

  • One, she's on a national book tour pushing her memoir "hard

  • choices."

  • Two, she's extremely qualified.

  • Three, let's forget about number two and just focus on the book

  • thing.

  • Which, by the way, for the record i don't get.

  • Sure, it's been on the "new york times" bestseller list for seven

  • weeks and has sold more than 500,000 copies worldwide but I

  • recently picked up the audio book.

  • I like to listen to it when i'm on the treadmill at the gym

  • rager-sizing.

  • Here's the colbert review.

  • Here's my review.

  • This book is 656 pages of shameless name dropping.

  • Jim?

  • Tanzanian prime minister Mizengo Pinda and I do some

  • planting at a women's cooperative in Mlandizi.

  • Stephen: Thud. Did you catch that, tmz?

  • She just happened to be hanging out with Mizengo in Mlandizi.

  • Not impressed.

  • So she's tight with the prime minister of Tanzania.

  • I happen to be e-mail pen pals with the prince of Nigeria,

  • Okay?

  • That reminds me I should really-- I should write that guy

  • back.

  • Shiwrite that guy.

  • (applause) Gotta write him.

  • He owes me a ton of money.

  • And there's more.

  • The first time I met the Burmese Nobel Peace Prize winner

  • Aung San Suu Kyi in 2011, we were both wearing white.

  • Stephen: Really?

  • Wearing white after labor day?

  • Obviously, her Nobel Prize wasn't in fashion.

  • Again, Jim.

  • German chancellor Angela Merkel has a great sense of

  • humor.

  • Stephen: You heard it, folks.

  • Hillary Clinton thinks German chancellors are a laugh riot.

  • Heil Hilarity.

  • Here, Bono sits with me at the piano.

  • Stephen: Big deal!

  • Bono sits with everybody at the Piapo.

  • Call me when you're sitting with David Bowie at a didgeridoo.

  • I just don't buy any of this. There is no way on earth

  • one woman can be in so many places at once.

  • (Cheers and applause)

  • (Cheers and applause)

  • (Cheers and applause)

  • (Audience chanting "Hillary")

  • Stephen: Don't you dare!

  • Don't you dare!

  • You were chanting my name four minutes ago, you two-timers.

  • (Cheers and applause)

  • Hillary Clinton.

  • Now who's a name dropper, Stephen?

  • Stephen: Oh, really?

  • Name dropper?

  • That's not what my good friend Tom hanks calls me.

  • When we're hanging out at George Clooney's place.

  • Oh, I love George.

  • I wish he could have joined us when I had lunch with Meryl

  • Streep and Ecuadorian president Rafael Correa.

  • Oh, Rafl.

  • He is such a cut-up, especially when we go camping with Oprah.

  • (Laughter)

  • Oh?

  • Does that surprise you?

  • No, "o" is just what all her real friends call Oprah, surprise you?

  • Stephen: I know Paul Mccartney.

  • I negotiated with Hamid Karzai.

  • Stephen: I shared an office with Steve Carell.

  • (Laughter)

  • I held high-level talks with Chinese state counselor

  • Dai Bingguo.

  • Stephen: Well, now you're just making words up.

  • I will have you know, madam, I once did an entire show with

  • president Bill Clinton.

  • Oh!

  • (Applause) I hate to break this to you,

  • Stephen, but I've met him, too.

  • Stephen: Gosh, you know everyone!

  • What kind of loser do you have to be to not be included in your

  • book?

  • Well, you're not in it, Stephen?

  • Stephen: Oh, aren't I?

  • You ever notice how president of Turkmenistan Gurbanguly

  • Berd-Muha-Meadow are never in the same room at the same time.

  • No!

  • Stephen: Oh, yes.

  • Stephen: And, madam, it is not just your name dropping I

  • call into question.

  • I question your title.

  • It's called "hard choices."

  • but there aren't any real hard choices in here.

  • What about negotiating fragile alliances and treaties.

  • Stephen: Oh, I'm talking about real hard choices--

  • eternal questions like which would you rather fight one

  • horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?

  • (Cheers and applause)

  • -Well. -Stephen: Boom!

  • Now, I admit that is a valid question.

  • Here's what I'd do.

  • First, I'd try to find common ground between ducks and horses.

  • For instance, they both grew up on old McDonald's farm.

  • Then, I'd establish a timetable to achieve meaningful horse-duck

  • dialogue.

  • (Laughter) and, Stephen, I'm convinced--

  • with patience and a strong commitment from our allies, the

  • pigs and the geese, we'd have peace-peace here, peace-peace,

  • there, here a peace, there a peace, everywhere a peace.

  • (Cheers and applause)

  • Stephen: Ei-e-i-oh, you're good!

  • And now, Stephen, I've got a hard choice for you.

  • Stephen: bring it, H.R.C.

  • Oh, it will be brought.

  • Your choice.

  • Promote my book or I won't appear on your show.

  • Stephen: but you have already appeared on my show.

  • (Laughter)

  • Stephen: No!

  • No!

  • I learned that from George Lucas.

  • (Laughter)

  • Stephen: I met him.

  • He's a friend.

  • Well, no one will know i got Hillary Clinton on my show.

  • Fine!

  • Fine!

  • Buy "Hard Choices," available in bookstores everywhere there are

  • still bookstores.

  • On or our web site down here, okay?

  • Okay.

  • Stephen: Oh, thank you.

  • Thank you, Stephen.

  • Was that such a hard choice to make?

  • (Laughter) (Applause)

  • Stephen: Yes, it was.

  • Hillary Clinton, everybody.

  • "Hard Choices."

  • Madam secretary, thank you so much.

  • Thank you!

  • Stephen: Hillary Clinton, everybody.

  • (Cheers and applause)

Folks, the 2016 presidential election is almost

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