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  • But let's move on to the 2016 presidential race.

  • Over the last five days, there were two debates,

  • one Republican and one Democrat,

  • both taking place in Charleston, South Carolina.

  • I thought I should sit for this one.

  • See what I did there? It's a comfortable segue move.

  • No one noticed a thing.

  • So let's start with the GOP debate.

  • It took place last Thursday, and it was like

  • your average American divorce:

  • long, messy, and by the end, two people who had once

  • affectionately stood by each other

  • couldn't stand each other.

  • That's right, Trump and Cruz.

  • They were at each other's throats all night,

  • starting when Cruz attacked what he called "New York values."

  • Everyone understands that the values in New York City

  • are socially liberal or pro-abortion

  • or pro-gay marriage,

  • focus around money and the media.

  • Not a lot of conservatives come out of Manhattan.

  • -(laughter) -I'm just saying.

  • "I'm just saying."

  • Oh, Ted Cruz-- the truth is he's just upset

  • because New York chewed up and spit out his Broadway dreams.

  • Not all of us can be Elphaba, Ted.

  • (laughter, applause)

  • Yep. Some of us have to be flying monkeys.

  • (laughter)

  • So to get back at Cruz,

  • Trump made it personal.

  • When the World Trade Center came down,

  • I saw something that no place on Earth

  • could have handled more beautifully,

  • more humanely than New York.

  • -(applause, cheering) -You had two one hundred...

  • (laughter)

  • I have to say,

  • I've never been more impressed with Donald Trump.

  • Because not only is he making Ted Cruz look like a dick...

  • but because Trump brought up 9/11,

  • Ted Cruz has to stand there and applaud Trump while he does it.

  • That's like getting a guy to cheer for you

  • as you make love to his wife.

  • (laughter)

  • Excellent thrusting motion, Mr. Trump.

  • Can I get you a Gatorade?

  • You're putting in quite the workout.

  • But let's get to what the next president of the United States

  • had to say-- that's right, I'm talking about Dr. Ben Carson.

  • He was asked if Bill Clinton's past affairs are relevant

  • to this election, and he had this to say.

  • Here's the real issue--

  • is this America anymore?

  • Do we still have standards?

  • You go to the Internet, you start reading an article,

  • and you go to the comment section,

  • you cannot go five comments down

  • before people are calling each other all manner of names.

  • Where did that spirit come from in America?

  • Are you serious?

  • Half your opponents in this race

  • are just comment sections with a campaign staff.

  • How's Ben Carson gonna-- oh, unless...

  • Wait a minute, Ben Carson...

  • did you just only discover the Internet now?

  • (laughter)

  • (like Carson): And don't get me started

  • on what those two girls did to that poor cup.

  • (laughter)

  • (applause)

  • Ah...

  • So moving forward to last night.

  • We had the Democratic debates,

  • which, for a change, wasn't the boring,

  • well-educated sibling.

  • Bernie challenged Hillary on her Wall Street connections,

  • Hillary challenged Bernie on his health care plan,

  • and Martin O'Malley was challenged by the crossword book

  • that he brought to kill time waiting for someone

  • -(laughter) -to ask him a question.

  • Now, the Democratic debate was sponsored by YouTube,

  • which meant we had to watch

  • the first five seconds of T-Mobile ads

  • before we could skip to the questions.

  • Questions that were being asked by YouTube stars.

  • So, uh, YouTube, meet Bernie Sanders.

  • How would your presidency ensure the incidents

  • of police violence are investigated

  • and prosecuted fairly?

  • -LESTER HOLT: Senator Sanders. -I apologize for not hearing,

  • uh, all of that, uh, question.

  • HOLT: Would you like me to read it back to you?

  • (like Sanders): Wha... I'm...

  • I'm sorry, what did she say?

  • I'm sorry, I don't speak the YouTube.

  • And later on, the questions from YouTube only got harder.

  • HOLT: Here's another question from YouTube.

  • (screeching)

  • HOLT: Senator Sanders.

  • (laughter)

  • Oh... oh, how great would it be

  • if Bernie Sanders understood that question?

  • It was, like, "Yes, that goat gets it.

  • "There is too much money of Wall Street in politics!

  • That's right, feel the Baaa-ern...!

  • (laughter)

  • But you know what, that little moment aside,

  • this debate was really all about Bernie Sanders.

  • I mean, he's now neck and neck with Hillary in many polls,

  • and he got the most speaking time of the debate.

  • So naturally, Hillary went after his record really, really hard.

  • But I believe Bernie Sanders when he says he's not bound

  • to Wall Street banks, because there's something about him

  • that makes him look like he invests his money

  • in cereal boxes around his house.

  • (laughter)

  • But, like... but jokes aside,

  • Bernie was so in the zone last night.

  • He didn't even have to speak to get his points across.

  • He's criticized President Obama.

  • Senator Sanders called him weak, disappointing.

  • He even, in 2011...

  • That is some serious, vicious side-eye.

  • That's the look you give your roommate

  • when he tells you that he bought a second snake.

  • I didn't know you had a first snake.

  • You know, I really had so much fun

  • watching both of these debates.

  • But they were so close together. I mean, it was two debates

  • in four days. And it made me ask the question

  • why not just combine the debates?

  • And I... Look, I know that's not how it works

  • with the two parties here, but just think about it.

  • Think about it like an... like an all-star break.

  • Because the way it works now,

  • we may never get to see Trump versus Bernie

  • or Hillary versus Cruz

  • or Carson versus a lullaby.

  • I never stood a chance

  • against those tree tops.

  • And all that trash that everyone is talking,

  • they'd get to do it straight to each other's face.

  • This president allows lawlessness

  • throughout this country.

  • President Obama has led our country

  • out of the Great Recession.

  • My good friend Donald Trump,

  • beating him by 19 points in New Hampshire.

  • President Obama is not protecting American workers

  • and we are getting hammered.

  • And I'm gonna defend President Obama for taking on Wall Street,

  • taking on the financial industry and getting results.

  • Hillary Clinton is disqualified from being commander in chief

  • -of the United States. -CLINTON: That is not what I've heard.

  • Let me leave it at that.

  • You see? It's amazing. It's amazing.

  • But the best reason for combining the debates

  • would be because we could have watched Bernie Sanders

  • giving more side-eye.

  • Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton will say

  • it's those evil rich people. It's not the evil rich people,

  • it's the evil government.

  • I like everybody on the stage. No one's a socialist.

  • No one here is under FBI investigation.

  • And I know Bernie and I can promise you he's not

  • gonna be president of the United States.

  • Oh, I love it. I love it so much.

  • Bernie Sanders is the cutest old man ever.

  • It's like he's always being told that the cafeteria

  • is fresh out of pudding. He just has...

But let's move on to the 2016 presidential race.

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The Daily Show - Breaking Down the Republican and Democratic Debates

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    VoiceTube posted on 2016/07/07
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