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  • [playful music]

  • - Oh, I see it. Mm-mhm.

  • - Uh, what's up?

  • - Imagine all these toys are pieces of sushi.

  • And Pete is a beautiful naked...woman.

  • - And why am I doing this?

  • - Must everything have a reason?

  • - We're just killing time.

  • We can't go home until the place clears out, so...

  • - [screams]

  • I know you're really a human!

  • - So are you, you turd,

  • but no one's trying to rip your head off.

  • - Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

  • - Ugh. I thought you'd be cooler.

  • Put the head back on.

  • - Hey, little bud, is your mom or dad here?

  • - Or your parole officer?

  • - I'm flying solo. My mom dropped me off.

  • - Not surprising.

  • Mom's probably in Planned Parenthood,

  • trying to get a refund. - Ian!

  • Look, you're our last customer,

  • and we're hoping to go home early,

  • but we can't until you leave.

  • Do you, uh, wanna give your momma a call?

  • - Not until Pork E. dances for me.

  • Dance, rodent, dance!

  • - Ian, just dance so we can go home.

  • - [sighs]

  • [humming silly song] Pork E. Pine.

  • There. Now call your stupid mom.

  • [cell phone dialing]

  • - Why is my mom's number in your phone?

  • - Nesha Patel?

  • Oh, we went to high school with her, remember, Ian?

  • - Of course I remember her. She was my first--

  • - First what?

  • - My...first...lab partner in biology class.

  • - Wait, she was my first... lab partner too.

  • - You never told me you...partnered with Nesha.

  • - Oh, yeah, we did lots of ex...periments while listening

  • to the "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" soundtrack.

  • - We're talking about sex, right?

  • - We really got to work on our metaphors.

  • - Ugh. You guys both had sex with my mom?

  • - Not at the same time.

  • - Yeah, and that was like ten years ago.

  • - So...nine months before I was born.

  • Can we figure this out,

  • or should I just call Maury Povich right now?

  • [playful music]

  • - [man singing] This is America

  • Land of dreams

  • Everyone can climb higher

  • - [women singing] No you know you're stuck here

  • 'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

  • - [man singing] You can do anything

  • - [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

  • - [man singing] And you can go anywhere

  • - [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

  • - [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

  • - [woman singing] Come on that's not who you are

  • - [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

  • With full-time dreams

  • And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

  • Bad as it seems

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Whoa

  • What the [bleep] are you doing here?

  • Oh

  • Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

  • - I hope to God I'm not his dad.

  • - I'm hungry. - I hope so too.

  • For the kid's sake, I think we can all agree,

  • I would make a better dad.

  • - What? No, I would make a great dad.

  • I always carry candy. Point Ian.

  • - I hate candy. - He hates candy?

  • God, our kid sucks.

  • - And I don't care. See? I'll always love our son,

  • no matter how much he disappoints me.

  • Point Anton.

  • - Oh, you wanna have a dad-off?

  • You got it. Best dad wins.

  • - You're on.

  • - Uh, guys, can I come?

  • - Do we have to untie him?

  • - I guess so.

  • [playful music]

  • - This is ridiculous. One of us should go home.

  • all: Dibs!

  • - Historically, it's the eldest who gets to go home first

  • when things get slow. - So that would always be you.

  • - I cleaned up three vomits today.

  • Three separate vomits. I deserve to go home.

  • - Well, I set a fracture. I had my hand on a kid's bone.

  • - [chuckles]

  • - What? It was really hard.

  • [all snicker]

  • - Guys, I almost blew it.

  • [all snicker louder]

  • You guys are so immature. I'm going home.

  • - No! We'll handle this in the matter

  • of a family entertainment restaurant forefathers.

  • [imitates fanfare]

  • Ball pit scavenger hunt!

  • [all yelling]

  • - Look, I know we got off to a rough start,

  • but I promise you I got a lot of good qualities

  • for being a dad, okay?

  • I got charisma. [groaning] I got athleticism.

  • Self awareness of all the things I'm good at.

  • - The next thing you say better involve fun,

  • because I'm not cleaning.

  • - Who said anything about cleaning?

  • - We're not? - No, we're playing...

  • super...suicide skee ball.

  • - I'm intrigued.

  • - Okay, guys, listen up.

  • This morning Anton dropped his wallet in the bathroom.

  • First person to find it gets to go home.

  • And, bonus,

  • there's an Old Navy gift card inside.

  • - Ooh.

  • - Well, what? Begin!

  • [playful music]

  • - One... - This is awesome!

  • - ...two...

  • - Ian, I think you got enough time with--

  • - ...three!

  • - [gasps]

  • I've got you, baby boy. You almost killed him.

  • - He's fine, quit being such a helicopter parent.

  • - You actually think you're a better father than me?

  • - Darth Vader's a better father than you.

  • - Daddy is here now, Chadwick.

  • - That's not my name, you tool bag.

  • - Tool bag?

  • That's what your mother used to call me.

  • It must be in the DNA.

  • all: Found it!

  • - Ew!

  • - Ooh, dirty diaper! - IV bag?

  • - Wait, where's Pete?

  • - Pete, come on out.

  • - He can't stay under for too long, he gets panic attacks.

  • Guys, the hunt is off until we can find Pete.

  • - But...Old Navy.

  • - Guys, focus. We leave no man behind.

  • - [sighs]

  • - Chad, I'm gonna prove I'm a better dad

  • than some other dads I could name,

  • because I actually care about safety.

  • - Can you breathe? - [moans]

  • - So you think a little bubble wrap is gonna keep

  • my child protected?

  • - Yes, I do. - Prove it, then.

  • - You're on.

  • [upbeat rock music]

  • - [muffled scream] - Catch!

  • - Shoot! (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!)

  • - [grunts]

  • Go! Go!

  • - [screams]

  • [screams]

  • - You think it worked? - Yeah.

  • - Good job.

  • [both grunting]

  • - Aw, Chaddy, are you okay? - Are you okay, son?

  • - Tell you what, whatever you wanna do, we'll do that.

  • How about some cake?

  • - Or some pizza.

  • - Or some cake on pizza.

  • I bet your mom doesn't let you do that.

  • It could be our special little father-son thing.

  • You know? - Ugh.

  • I can't believe you psychos get paid to be around kids.

  • But, yes, I will take the cake and pizza.

  • - Aw, he loves us. - Aw!

  • - Oh! - Come here, Ch--okay.

  • - Come here, Chadwick. - He's shy.

  • - I'm gonna get you, Chadwick.

  • [playful music]

  • - I found Pete!

  • Oh, it felt so much like his upper thigh.

  • Something's feeling up my knees.

  • - [singing] Hello - It's a terror.

  • - [singing] Hello - [singing] Hello

  • [all singing] Hello

  • - It's a full barbershop quartet.

  • - Guys, focus!

  • Did you see a guy named Pete down there?

  • Really cute, looks like he'd be the treasurer of the Math Club?

  • - [all singing] We've not had a peek at Pete,

  • the Math geek

  • - [singing] Is it me you seek?

  • - Pete! - What's up, guys?

  • What are you still doing in here?

  • I found this wallet hours ago.

  • - You're safe. Thank God!

  • - [all singing] Thank God her true love's back

  • She almost had a heart attack

  • - No. True love? [laughs]

  • - [all singing] She is in denial

  • But she's got lots of guile

  • - Can you guys stop singing now?

  • - [all singing] Sure, and we totally believe

  • You are not in love with Pete

  • - Wait, what?

  • - Nothing. Stop singing!

  • - [all singing] Even though you're drooling over him

  • Like a white chocolate cover treat

  • - No!

  • - Nice pants, Pete. - Thanks.

  • - I'm sorry we got so competitive, Chad.

  • - Yeah, thanks for giving us another chance.

  • - How about you guys let me come here free of charge

  • any time I want?

  • - Of course, you're family. - Yeah.

  • - Thank you so much for taking care of him.

  • Was he a lot of trouble? - No, not at all, Nesha.

  • We taught him a whole about safety.

  • - Wait, how do you know my name? - You don't remember us?

  • Anton and Ian, from high school?

  • "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants"?

  • - Oh. Ew!

  • - Listen, we know that one of us is the father.

  • - Yeah, so we decided we'll

  • just have joint custody over him.

  • - Yeah, you don't even have to tell us

  • which one of us is his real dad.

  • We love him like he's our own.

  • - One, gross,

  • and, two, neither of you are his dad.

  • Chad's father is waiting in the car.

  • - You lied to us?

  • - Yeah, I was just hoping to get some free games

  • and pizza out of it, but messing with you dorks

  • was way more fun.

  • - Young man, you are grounded.

  • - You can't ground my son. Come on, Chad.

  • By the way, you can't get pregnant from kissing.

  • - Yeah, I knew that.

  • You knew that, right.

  • - Yeah. Everyone knows that.

  • [playful music]

[playful music]

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WHO'S THE FATHER? (Part Timers #16)

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    Steven posted on 2016/05/02
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