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  • Boomstick: This episode of Death Battle is brought to you by Destiny's Expansion I: The Dark Below. Available now!

  • Wiz: They say imitation is the highest form of flattery but sometimes it's nothing but a slap to the face

  • W: Such is the case when it comes to these two mass mercinaries

  • W: And Deathstroke, the terminator.

  • B: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick

  • W: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a death battle

  • B: You see him on tshirts, internet memes, and everywhere you look at nerd conventions

  • W: But the story behind this popular antihero isn't as light-hearted as his joking nature would lead you to believe.

  • W: Wade Winston Wilson was a globe-trotting mercenary looking for his chance to become the world's next greatest superhero

  • W: Then he was diagnosed with cancer, which hit him like a flaming semitruck falling on his face.

  • B: That's....oddly specific

  • W: Facing the inevitability of death, Wade gave up. He abandoned his heroic dream, stopped his chemo treatments,

  • W: and dumped his girlfriend to free her from the burden of a man doomed to die.

  • B: Doomed, until he was offered a cure by Department K: The special weapons development division of a strange, alien world called...

  • B: ...Canada.

  • B: And by cure, I mean he actually was handed over to the Weapons X program: The same guys who gave Wolverine's bones the old chrome dip.

  • B: They injected Wade with Wolvie's healing factor

  • W: Which I don't even know if that's possible - Do they have a spare jar of "Essence of Wolverine" or something?

  • B: With the ability to heal from anything, his body became a surgical playground for Doctor Killebrew and his assistant Ajax.

  • B: Just like operation! Only constantly hitting the sides.

  • B: But hey! At least he doesn't have cancer anymore.

  • W: Well..... actually he still does.

  • W: His cells just regenerate faster than the cancer can kill him. Beneath that red and black spandex, he's basically a giant walking tumor.

  • W: Which can talk.

  • W: A lot.

  • B: AHH. KILL IT WITH FIRE!

  • B: Ohh, wait - we can't.

  • W: Meanwhile, among Killebrew's other prisoners, a gambling ring was fomed.

  • W: Patients would place bets on each other's survival under the knife.

  • B: And these bets were placed under what they called...

  • B: The Dead Pool

  • B: Get it?

  • B: 'Cause it's kinda like where his name comes fro-ohh you'll see.

  • W: Unfortunately for Killebrew, Wade had somehow gotten superhuman strength, speed, and stamina

  • W: 'cause I guess they had a jar filled with that shit too.

  • W: He used these skills to kill Ajax and make a dramatic escape.

  • W: Free at last, his fellow inmates inspired him to take on his now famous namesake

  • B: Deadp-

  • Deadpool: DEADPOOOL YEAH

  • B: What the heck?

  • D: Ohh, I'm sorry, please, keep talking about how great I am!

  • W: I was afraid of this...

  • W: You see, Deadpool somehow possesses a unique awareness of whatever medium he's in, whether it be comic books, video games, tv shows...

  • W: or an awesome internet show

  • B: huh what now?

  • W: Basically he's a pro at shattering the fourth wall

  • D: Bingo! By the way, Boomstick, tell your ex-wife that I said hello

  • B: You've got five seconds to get the hell out of here before I blow your head off.

  • W: Fortunately all that would do is piss him off.

  • W: Bad idea, as Deadpool is a master martial artist, seasoned assassin, and a raging sex machi- what?

  • D: Yeah, I noticed you left out a few things in the script so I made some changes.

  • D: You know, just the important stuff

  • D: Like mah penis.

  • B: Well if by raging sex machine he means getting down with a bloated alien, a shapeshifting teenage prostitute, and Death herself, he must have some pretty low standards.

  • B: That's right, this guy tried to literally stick his dick in Death

  • B: Maybe that's why he liked my ex-wife.

  • B: But besides his dick, Deadpool has an arsenal of weaponry he can pull out from absolutely nowhere.

  • W: This is an animation technique commonly called, "The Magic Satchel." Though it's existence as an actual thing is preposterous.

  • D: Oh yeah? Watch this:

  • [elephant trumpets]

  • W: I hate you.

  • D: Aw, I hate you too!

  • B: Me too.

  • B: Some of Deadpools favorite toys include-

  • D: My trusty, rusty twin katanas, some grenades, my favorite machine guns: Butter and I Can't Believe It's not Butter, a teleportation belt,

  • D: An infinity stone that alters continuity! Ohhh I can't choose! I LOVE EM ALL.

  • B: Okay, that's it. I'm gonna kill him.

  • [gunshot loads]

  • D: LALALALLALALALALALA [shotgun sound]

  • W: Combined, Deadpool's weapons and abilities helped him accomplish some amazing feats in spite of his illness.

  • B: His quickdraw is fast enough to beat seven Hydra agents at once.

  • B: He can descimate legions of armed warriors solo, while talking on the phone.

  • B: He's the only one to ever outwit Taskmaster, who literally has the power to predic his opponents moves,

  • B: And in one instance, he even murdered the ENTIRE Marvel Universe, including the supposedly unkillable Wolverine.

  • W: He did this with a sword made of carbonadium - an alloy capable of nullifying healing factors.

  • W: In other words, he cheated.

  • B: He survived skyscrapers collapsing on top of him, having his heart ripped out, his head blown to bits, and even his entire body melted into a puddle.

  • W: But his regeneration is also responsible for one of his greatest downfalls.

  • W: This power has trained him to think he's invincible and so he's become quite careless in battle.

  • B: And that's just if his extreme ADHD hasn't already put him into a bind.

  • W: Yet there are few more deadly than the regenerating degenerate.

  • W: Really, Deadpool finally accomplished his dream of becoming the next great superhero.

  • D: Awww, that's sweet of you guys.

  • D: Wanna see me naked?

  • W: What-wait-nonononONO!

  • B: AHHH, MY EYES

  • B: CAN'T....CLAW THEM OUT....FAST ENOUGH

  • D: And, now you're scarred for life!

  • D: Let's see my competition

  • W: In the history of the DC Universe, there has never existed a more lethal technician and soldier than Slade Joseph Wilson.

  • W: After illegally joining the US Military at the age of 16, he fought in Korea for years, where his skill earned the attention of an experimental serum program.

  • And the lovely Captain Adeline Kane.

  • B: This is sounding suspiciously like the origin story of Captain America.

  • W: Slade actually gets the girl.

  • B: Oh nevermind! But does he steal cars?

  • W: Probably

  • W: Slade completely mastered every fighting style under Adeline's tutalage in record time.

  • W: Apparently, this impressed her so much they were married with a kid on the way in mere months.

  • B: Now that's my kind of woman!

  • B: 'Oh? You're a badass? No roses, no dates - Let's fight people, get married and plow.'

  • B: Feeling pretty fucking great about life, Slade volunteered for an experiment that would help him resist enemy truth serums.

  • B: Everything went exactly as planned.

  • [screaming and things breaking]

  • B: You'd think these guys would've learned by now.

  • W: Wouldn't you know it, the injections did not have the effect they were looking for.

  • W: But instead of ruining his life forever, the experiment accidentally transformed Slade into the deadliest assassin in the world.

  • W: A terminator, if you will.

  • W: Which begs the question:

  • W: What on EARTH does the US Military think is in truth serums??

  • B: Slade rose as a new man, known to the world as Deathstroke.

  • W: really?

  • D: Don't forget to like favorite and subscribe! WOOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOOPOOP!

  • B: Deathstroke is nearly superhuman. He can hit harder, run faster, react quicker, and push himself longer than an olympic athlete.

  • B: Plus he can use 90 percent of his brain, unlike the average 10 percent

  • W: Come on, if we REALLY only used ten percent of our brains, we'd be about as dumb as sheep.

  • B: You're a sheep.

  • W: What's important here is that Deathstroke can process information nine times more efficiently than an ordinary man.

  • W: He can think quicker, hear better, and see faster.

  • W: GOD DAMMIT That's not a real thing!

  • B: Ooh! We should put him and Captain America into a staring contest!

  • W: Uuughhh

  • W: He also has a healing factor which can repair any part of his body, even if his brain is blown to smithereens.

  • B: Brining him back from the dead

  • W: Unfortunately, life back home was rough for Slade. His abilities were put to the test when his son was kidnapped by a group of rival mercenaries.

  • W: Despite a successful rescue, his son lost his ability to speak.

  • B: So his ungrateful wife lashed out in rage, and Slade was never the same

  • W: literally.

  • [gunshot noise]

  • B: But he's one step closer to his secret dream of becoming a pirate

  • B: Question, Wizard: If he has a healing factor, how come he's still missing that eye?

  • W: Well... no one knows, Boomstick, but perhaps not even a healing factor can repair the deepest of emotional wounds.

  • B: Oh that's bullshit.

  • W: Despite his new lack of depth perception, Deathstroke remained as skilled as ever.

  • B: Partially thanks to his favorite gear.

  • B: I'm talking dual machine guns, a sniper rifle, and a superbomb.

  • W: Which is actually a glorified flashbang grenade with trace bits of kryptonite.

  • W: Guess who that's for.

  • D: The guy who fought Goku in one of the most biased fanboy videos EVER.

  • W: Shut up, Wade.

  • D: Okay, Ben.

  • B: This is just getting weird.

  • B: So, back to the weapons!

  • B: Deathstroke prefers his sweet Thundercat-style sword and laser-shooting energy lance. Also he's got an awesome suit of armor, made up of kevlar and nth metal.

  • W: Oh look! Yet ANOTHER fictional alloy stronger and lighter than titanium.

  • W: Also he has armor composed of Promethium,

  • B: Well, my shirt is made up of Boomstickium.

  • B: See? I can make up alloys too, writers.

  • W: Actually, Boomstick, Promethium is a real thing.

  • B: Aw come on!

  • W: Though in real life, it's a chemical used in atomic batteries to power guided missiles and spacecraft.

  • W: But in comic book land, it's not that at all. It can absorb energy, is incredibly strong, and is self regenerative.

  • B: Wait, so his suit has a healing factor too?

  • B: So...like...does his zipper try to close itself if he wants to take a leak? Cause that's horrifying. I mean I remember when I got my junk stuck in the toaster-

  • W: WITH his impressive skills and arsenal, Deathstroke has defeated dozens of ninjas at once, survived an exploding nuclear submarine, and took down most of the Justice League by himself.

  • B: He's also really good at pushups.

  • W: uhhh... how many push-ups can he do?

  • B: All of them.

  • W: Despite multiple members of the Justice League agreeing he's the best tactician on the planet, Deathstroke is known for violent outbursts of rage when in extreme pain.

  • W: Depending on who he's fighting, this can make him even more dangerous.

  • B: Deathstroke doesn't just solve problems, he terminates them.

  • Slade: I am the thing that keeps you up at night,

  • the evil that haunts every dark corner.

  • I will never rest, and neither will you.

  • W: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.

  • B: It's time for a DEATH BATTLEEEEE

  • pfff

  • Deadpool: What a rip!

  • DP: Seriously, what makes this chump worth ten bucks more than me?

  • DP: C'mon! I'm ME

  • DP: Wh-pff-what? Am I right?

  • DP: Yeah I am, I'm pretty sure.

  • [solid snake ! notice]

  • DP: Hup!

  • Deathstroke: It's your lucky day

  • [gun loading]

  • DS: I can show you

  • DP: Oh boy, a show! Can I get popcorn first? I hope they have salt and pepper shakers

  • DP: Fight!

  • [rapid gunshots]

  • DP: Bang! Bang! Ba-ba-ba-bang! Bang bang bang bang bang bang! B-b-bang bang bang! [rapid gunshots]

  • [four shots]

  • [rapid gunshots]

  • [empty clicking]

  • DP: Uh-oh

  • [reloading]

  • DP: BAM

  • DP: BAYUM

  • DP: Hadouken!

  • DP: BAYUM

  • DP: Kick you right outta the AIR

  • DS: [groans]

  • DP: A Donotello fan, huh?

  • DP: I was always more of a Leonardo guy, myself.

  • DP: [muttering] Although I think more people would pin me more as a Michealangelo. Well that's their label

  • DP: I WILL NOT BE LABELED

  • DP: No touching me!

  • DP: BAM

  • DP: LET'S DO THIS

  • DP: OW OH MY CHIN

  • DP: COMIN ATCHA

  • DP: I gotta say, it's kinda an honor to get the snot beaten out of me by YOU of all people.

  • DP: Bruises aside, of course.

  • DS: Let's see what kind of mark this has on you

  • DP: GAHH

  • DP: HEY BUDDY. Don't let ME slow you down!

  • Hup! hup

  • DP: Where is that sonovagun I'm gonna show him what-for I swear to-

  • DP: ooohhhh shit.

  • [sniper reloading]

  • DP: Look at me! LOOK AT ME! Do not slow down!

  • [giant boom]

  • Missed me! WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP

  • DP: I!!!

  • DP: HATE!!!

  • DP: YOUR!!!!

  • DP: dumb face!

  • DP: OHH my kidney,

  • DP: Oh! Is it swordfight time?!?

  • DP: Good thing I carry spares!

  • DP: Yes, it's katana time!

  • [gunshots]

  • DS: If you spent half as much time concentrating as you do talking, perhaps you'd be less predictable.

  • DP: OH YOU'RE KIDDING ME. I'm predictable?!?!

  • [music plays]

  • DP: I'm just getting warmed up!

  • [music] [audience cheering and whistling]

  • DS [disgusted sigh]

  • DP: This slick dynomite! He's coming for me! Wants to fight.

  • [cars honking]

  • [gunshots]

  • [gunshots]

  • [gunshots]

  • [shots]

  • [camera shot noises]

  • DP: My spleen!

  • DP: My leg!

  • DP: Ugh! It's cramping!

  • [solid snake ! noise]

  • [solid snake ! noise]

  • DP: God dammit

  • DP; Well, that escalated quickly. Y'might want to lay low for a couple days 'cause you are pretty much responsible for a mass murdering.

  • DP: Hahaha! Huahahahaha! It's a Deathstroke kabob!

  • DP: Whoops! Hang on, gimme a sec

  • DP: This is gonna hurt [squelching noises]

  • [epic grunt]

  • DP: Whoa, hold on! You heal fast too?

  • DP: I've got something special for that!

  • DP: Carbonaidium sword!

  • DP: Murdering all your pesky wolverines and Saberteeth since 2012.

  • DP: Good year for cinema.

  • DP: All the children in the audience: Cover your eyes.

  • And the moral of the story is....

  • Deadpool wins!

  • Yay!

  • [does macarena]

  • dubelebala this is totally racist! Ayyy Chimichangas!

  • KO!

  • D: Ohh, ohh, Youtube comments. I see you rolling- oh, you're hating, ohh, it wounds me SO

  • D: It doesn't at all. Explain how I beat this asshole.

  • W: Don't tell me how to do my job

  • W: *ahem* This was a surprisingly even match.

  • W: Though Deathstroke was the superior fighter of the two, and had the better armor, Deadpool can take all his punishment and give just as much.

  • B: Deathstroke's smart, so normally he'd have no problem predicting his opponent's moves.

  • B: But Deadpool is so unpredictable, not even Taskmaster, or sometimes even himself, for that matter, can keep up whatever he's doing.

  • W: Unfortunately for Deathstroke, he didn't have the means to put down Deadpool for good.

  • W: And while Deathstroke's healing factor was perfect for repairing damage, Deadpool's trumped his for being capable of replacing entire organs at a much faster rate.

  • W: Sometimes the original is not always the best.

  • B: Deadpool is just a cut above the rest.

  • W: The winner is:

  • D: SPIDERMAN

  • D: I mean Deadpool, shit!

  • B: Thanks to Destiny, for sponsering this Death Battle.

  • W: Check out the new expansion, The Dark Below with all new loot, level increase, new story missions and quests, new co-op strikes, a six player raid, and new compeditive multiplayer arenas.

  • B: I'm getting the season pass so I can ride that sweet Tumbler. And don't miss out on our next episode: Kirby vs Majin buu. Thanks for watching!

Boomstick: This episode of Death Battle is brought to you by Destiny's Expansion I: The Dark Below. Available now!

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