Hey, does anyone want another serving of the Cornish hen?

- No. - No thanks, Mom.

Why are we eating all this fancy food?

I thought it was pizza night.

I made a special meal because your dad had a special day.

I finally got that promotion at work,

sold the most fire extinguishers this quarter.

So I think it's time to commemorate it with...

(both, monotonously) Celebratory scotch.

Why must you two always try to ruin these moments for me?

Because you celebrate everything.

- That's not true. - Yeah, it is true.

You celebrated being voted eighth most valuable player

on your softball team.

And then you celebrated removing the raccoon from the attic.

Yeah, and the raccoon just moved into my room.

This is much bigger than that.

Now, I know you kids are underage,

and probably the taste of alcohol is really gross to you,

but I wanted to share some of the celebratory scotch with you.

(disingenuously) Oh, that's nice of you, Dad.

Hmm.

This tastes watered down.

Have you been drinking my scotch

and filling it back up with water?

What? Why would you blame us?

Well, it's not your mother.

She's an adult. She can drink whenever she wants.

And I do!

Hmm. So you like to drink, do ya?

Well... why don't we just drink

everything from the liquor cabinet.

- What? - I think you're right.

- Are you serious? - Yeah, here we go.

- Wait, you can't do that. - Let's start with this one.

That's dangerous.

Trust us.

♪ (Kung Pao O'Malley, "Party House") ♪

♪ (man singing in Spanish) ♪

Why don't you just admit you took the alcohol?

No way. Dude.

Du--Dad, what would-- why would I take the drinks?

What do I have to celebrate?

- (laughs) - Heh, right?

(kids laugh)

You know, I just can't get through to you kids.

Do you know how proud I was of that work?

You know how hard it is to sell fire extinguishers

in this economy?

Do you know how many celebrities I had to tweet at?

I know I celebrate stupid things sometimes,

but this time-- this time it was different.

And I just wanted to share it with you two, but you two...

You know what? Just forget it. Forget the whole thing.

Dad. I'm sorry.

You're right. We drank the alcohol.

And we-- we do care about you.

And what we did was a horrible thing.

(inhales sharply)

Well, thank you for apologizing.

There is one more thing.

Also, I cheated on my calculus exam.

Kelsey, you're great at math.

I wanted to know what cheating felt like.

I needed the rush!

(flabbergasted) Kelsey.

Uh, well, thank you for coming clean with us, honey.

Appreciate that. But there is one more thing.

- We borrowed the car once. - Really?

- And we crashed it. - (both) What?

And then we bought an identical version of it

so you wouldn't know.

We owe so much in car payments.

(gasps) I'm upset and disappointed.

Uh... but we can work through this, you know? It's just a car.

I want to be just like Mom when I grow up.

Just fiercely independent but not afraid to speak my mind.

Thank you, honey.

Kelsey? Do you want to grow up to be just like Dad?

No. I don't want to be bad at softball

and good at fighting raccoons.

I need-- I need to rest for a second.

Yeah, me three.

- (plate clatters) - Well, this has been an experience.

Have you two learned your lesson?

And one more thing.

All these drinks were nonalcoholic.

(parents laughing)

We knew that you took the alcohol for your little party.

(Dad) That you didn't think we knew about.

So we set up this ruse.

A big bunch of jerks is what you are.

(Kelsey chuckles) The gazebo effect.

You know, honey? We're great parents.

- Yeah. - I think we should toast.

- Why don't you go get the good stuff? - Okay! Yeah.

Now, kids, remember the lesson here.

Don't lie to your parents, because we need to be here

to teach you the difference between right and wrong.

(Mom) Mm-hmm.

- (chuckles) - Cheers.

This is the nonalcoholic stuff.

(Dad) So we've been giving the real alcohol to the kids?

(Mom) I'll take them to the hospital.

(Dad) Actually, the lesson is,

what's it like to have alcohol poisoning?

Come. Come with me. Come on.

We'll go to the car. Let's go to the car.

(Mom) Easy does it. Here we go.

Oh no. Oh my god.

(speaking indistinctly)

♪ (end music) ♪