[Awful Job Stories]

My first job was working at a toy store, and I was 16, and I was really, really skinny.

They would have these events where they'd rent this Hello Kitty costume, and I was the only person who could fit in it.

My first job was when I was 15 years old at the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo.

My job was to walk around the Roaring Lion Cafe, picking up trash.

And I pulled out a bag and I looked down, and there was a mother yelling, and there was like a milky white liquid pouring on her baby's head.

My first job was an employee at Hot Dog on a Stick, and you have to wear these terrible, terrible outfits.

Every time you've made new batter for the corn dogs, you would like, whisk it up, and then you would have to yell to the whole entire food court, "Batter Up!"

I was in a lot of character costumes.

I was in Hello Kitty, this giant teddy bear called Muffy, a Groovy Girl, and I was also Curious George in a parade.

And Curious George was really hard because it was so hot.

My worst job was at a clothing retail store.

We had to fold with precision, and people would come in and immediately mess up the fold.

Sometimes people would be like, "Do you think this looks good?"

And it's like "Do you think it looks good? I don't know, where you going?"

The worst job I've ever had was... was what is considered categorically the worst job in America, which is a file clerk in a hospital.

I, like, was fired and quit at the same time, but mainly because I told this lady I was gonna quit, and then she told me I was fired anyway.

I quit Friendlys, I quit American Eagle, I quit... I mean, I don't even have enough fingers.

Tons of horrible day work in factories.

Look at this, this guy can't work in a... I can't work in a factory, what are you talkin' about?

Sometimes you gotta get fired 'cause you gotta get the hell out of there.

I made up a lie that it was a family emergency and left a week before I was supposed to 'cause I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I'd even... even fake cried!

I've learned to be a good worker from my working career.

No matter where I worked, I was good at my job.

If you're gonna have a shitty job, do it with a friend of yours so you can be shitty together.

Be careful when you sit on Hello Kitty's lap.

Also just don't get too handsy with Hello Kitty⏤you don't know who's inside.

Or for any mascot for that matter⏤keep, like, a five-foot distance.