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  • -Hello, and welcome to the David Wain Show, the imaginary

  • talk show I do when I'm walking around the city.

  • Today, we're going to be looking at some historical

  • sites for our imaginary viewers.

  • Over on the right here is Walt Whitman's house.

  • He was a famous poet and noted queer.

  • Over there is an old church that was part of the

  • Underground Railroad.

  • And the train tracks over there are part of the lesser

  • known above-ground railroad.

  • -Excuse me.

  • Are you a tour guide?

  • -Uh, listen, bitch, I'm married.

  • -Oh, I'm sorry.

  • DAVID (INTERNAL MONOLOGUE): Why did I say that?

  • I'm not married.

  • I mean, yes, I'm fathering an illegitimate child.

  • But that's not until December.

  • And she seemed so nice.

  • -Hey, wait.

  • -Yes?

  • -Oh, I--

  • You're still here.

  • I d--

  • I didn't, uh--

  • I thought you'd walked away.

  • -No, I was just kind of standing right here.

  • -So did you ask me something about

  • whether I'm a tour guide?

  • Or--

  • -I did.

  • You see, I'm trying to see as much of the city as I can in

  • as short amount of time.

  • I'm dying.

  • -Oh, my god.

  • I'm so sorry to hear that.

  • -Yeah, it's a really rare, rare form of acne.

  • -Oh, that's terrible.

  • -Tell me about it.

  • -Listen, I--

  • I don't normally do this, but you seem so pathetic.

  • Why don't you meet me here 9:00 AM tomorrow morning, and

  • I'll give a tour of the city you'll never forget?

  • -Oh, thank you!

  • -$200.

  • -Excuse me, I'm sorry?

  • -It'll cost $200.

  • -Oh.

  • I thought it was a gift.

  • No, no, no, no, no.

  • -Well, you-- would you mind if I gave you the money tomorrow

  • because--

  • -Actually, no, because then what if you-- kchk!

  • -'Cause if I die.

  • -Yeah.

  • -Then where would you be without the money?

  • -Can you hurry it up?

  • -Right, I'm sorry.

  • -Come on, come on.

  • So I'm going to meet her tomorrow morning.

  • -Fantastic.

  • Don't forget to bring your rubbers.

  • -I hear wedding bells.

  • She sounds cute.

  • -Where the fuck you get this wedding bell thing?

  • You've never even met the girl.

  • Whatever you're on, I want, like, a double order of it.

  • [UPBEAT MUSIC]

  • DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Hey, hi.

  • -Where were you?

  • I've been waiting forever.

  • -I'm sorry I'm late.

  • I, uh, was doing a big jerk-off session, and I wanted

  • to delay my cum as long as possible.

  • -I understand.

  • But I really would like to get going now because I don't have

  • a lot of time.

  • -Yeah, literally.

  • Listen, I have a little confession to make, um, kind

  • of about the reason I was late.

  • -You weren't having a jerk-off session?

  • -I was.

  • It was a big one, but what I didn't tell you is that when I

  • was stroking it, I was thinking about you.

  • KERI (OFFSCREEN): Really?

  • -Yeah.

  • -That's so sweet.

  • -You know, Keri, we could go on that walking tour and get a

  • lot out of it.

  • Or--

  • -Or what?

  • -Or we could spend what little time we have left on this

  • Earth making passionate, sweet, amorous

  • love with each other.

  • What do you think?

  • -I really think I'd just like the walking tour.

  • -Really?

  • -Yeah.

  • -I thought maybe you'd want to do the making love one.

  • -No, I think I'd just like the tour.

  • -Maybe you'd want to do a 50/50 thing, like, you know,

  • half walking tour, half love?

  • -No, I'd really just like the tour.

  • -Hm, OK, we can do that.

  • -OK.

  • Shall we get going?

  • -Yeah, let's go.

  • -All right.

  • -Yeah.

  • Well, guess we'll start right here.

  • This is, uh--

  • DAVID (NARRATING): I was glad I got the money upfront

  • because about a half hour later, she died learning about

  • the city that I love.

  • And I guess, in a way, she became a part of its history.

  • I was there with her at the end, and after she went, I

  • took the opportunity to feel her boobs a little.

  • They were pretty good.

  • -Do you know a place around here where a guy can get a

  • hold of a canister of lipstick?

-Hello, and welcome to the David Wain Show, the imaginary

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A2 tour walking david tour guide railroad tomorrow morning

Wainy Days #5 'Walking Tour'

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    紅謹 posted on 2013/04/20
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