is now doing things his own way.

He's got a climate deal with China.

He's issued an immigration order; we'll see how far he can take it.

♪ ( I love It song plays) ♪

(applause)

The President: Good evening, everybody.

Welcome to the White House Correspondents Dinner -- the

night when Washington celebrates itself.

(laughter)

Somebody's got to do it.

(laughter)

And welcome to the fourth quarter of

my presidency.

(laughter and applause)

It's true -- that was

Michelle cheering.

(laughter)

The fact is, I feel more loose and relaxed

than ever.

Those Joe Biden shoulder massages,

they're like magic.

(laughter)

You should try one.

Oh, you have.

(laughter)

I am determined to make the most of every

moment I have left.

After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me, "Mr.

President, do you have a bucket list?"

And I said, "Well, I have something that rhymes with

bucket list.'"

(laughter and applause)

Take executive action on immigration?

Bucket.

(laughter)

New climate regulations?

Bucket.

It's the right thing to do.

(laughter and applause)

And my new attitude is paying off.

Look at my Cuba policy.

The Castro brothers are here tonight.

(laughter and applause)

Welcome to America, amigos!

Que pasa?

What?

It's the Castros from Texas?

(laughter)

Oh.

Hi Joaquin.

Hi Julian.

(laughter)

Anyway, being President is never easy.

I still have to fix a broken immigration system,

issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran -- all

while finding time to pray five times a day.

(laughter)

Which is strenuous.

(laughter and applause)

And it is no wonder that people

keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me.

I look so old, John Boehner has already invited

Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.

(laughter and applause)

Meanwhile, Michelle hasn't aged a day.

(applause)

I ask her what her secret is,

she just says "fresh fruits and vegetables."

It's aggravating.

(laughter)

The fact is, though, at this point,

my legacy is finally beginning to take shape.

The economy is getting better.

Nine in ten Americans now have health coverage.

(applause)

Today, thanks to Obamacare,

you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance

if you lose your job.

You're welcome, Senate Democrats.

(laughter and applause)

Now, look,

it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy.

Six years into my presidency,

some people still say I'm arrogant and

aloof, condescending.

Some people are so dumb.

(laughter)

No wonder I don't meet with them.

(laughter)

And that's not all people say about me.

A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I'm the worst

President of his lifetime.

Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney

is the worst President of my lifetime.

(laughter and applause)

It's quite a coincidence.

I mean, everybody has got something to say these days.

Mike Huckabee recently said people shouldn't join our

military until a true conservative is

elected President.

Think about that.

It was so outrageous, 47 Ayatollahs wrote us a letter

trying to explain to Huckabee how our

system works.

(laughter)

It gets worse.

Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted

that I would bring about the biblical end of days.

(laughter)

Now that's a legacy!

(laughter)

That's big.

I mean, Lincoln, Washington -- they didn't do that.

(laughter)

But I just have to put this stuff aside,

I've got to stay focused on my job,

because for many Americans, this is still a time of

deep uncertainty.

For example, I have one friend -- just a few weeks

ago, she was making millions of dollars a year.

And she's now living out of a van in Iowa.

(laughter and applause)

Meanwhile, back here in our \ ation's capital,

we're always dealing with new challenges.

I'm happy to report that the Secret Service,

thanks to some excellent reporting by White House

correspondents, they're really focusing on some of

the issues that have come up.

And they finally figured out a full-proof way to keep

people off my lawn.

(laughter)

It works.

And it's not just fence-jumpers.

As some of you know, a few months ago,

a drone crash-landed out back.

That was pretty serious, but don't worry,

we've installed a new, state-of-the-art

security system.

(laughter)

You know what, let me set the

record straight.

I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at my side for

seven years now.

I love that man.

(applause)

He's not just a great Vice President,

he is a great friend.

We've gotten so close, in some places in Indiana,

they won't serve us pizza anymore.

(laughter and applause)

I want to thank our host for

the evening, a Chicago girl, the incredibly talented

Cecily Strong.

(applause)

On "Saturday Night Live, "

Cecily impersonates CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin.

Which is surprising, because usually the only people

impersonating journalists on CNN are journalists on CNN.

(laughter)

ABC is here with some of the stars from their

big new comedy, "Black-ish."

(applause)

It's a great show,

but I have to give ABC fair warning -- being "Black-ish"

only makes you popular for so long.

Trust me.

(laughter)

There's a shelf life to that thing.

(laughter)

As always, the reporters here had a lot to

cover over the last year.

Here on the East Coast, one big story was the

brutal winter.

The polar vortex caused so many record lows,

they renamed it "MSNBC."

(laughter)

But of course, let's face it,

there is one issue on every reporter's mind and