A2 Basic Other 992 Folder Collection
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HE GENERALLY
CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING.
IT'S JUST TRUE.
WOMEN AREN'T LIKE THAT.
WOMEN CAN DO LOTS OF THINGS,
AND HOLDING THREE
DIFFERENT CONVERSATIONS.
[imitates computer]
YOU KNOW?
SHE'LL WALK INTO A ROOM,
AND SHE'LL SEE HER HUSBAND
READING A NEWSPAPER.
AND SHE ASSUMES, "I MULTITASK.
THEREFORE, HE MUST MULTITASK."
BUT HE'S RUNNING
THE NEWSPAPER-READING PROGRAM,
AND HE CAN ONLY RUN
ONE PROGRAM AT A TIME.
[imitates computer]
HE'S NOT HEARING JACK.
AND THIS MAKES WOMEN VERY ANGRY.
BUT YOU JUST NEED TO COME OVER,
AND YOU'VE GOTTA CLOSE
THE NEWSPAPER-READING PROGRAM.
YOU'VE GOTTA LOAD
THE LISTEN-TO-ME PROGRAM.
BUT YOU GOTTA WAIT A MINUTE.
HE NEEDS TO REBOOT.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WAS HERE."
YOU KNOW?
YOU LAUGH,
BUT I'M SERIOUS, GIRLS.
IF YOU SEE
A MAN DOING SOMETHING,
UNLESS HE'S WIRED DIFFERENTLY,
DO NOT BE GIVING HIM
VITAL INFORMATION.
'CAUSE THIS IS
A TRAIN WRECK WAITING TO HAPPEN.
YOU'LL HAVE
THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN.
WHEN YOU SWEAR HE TOLD YOU,
AND HE SWEARS
YOU NEVER TOLD HIM.
YOU KNOW YOU TOLD HIM,
BUT IN HIS BRAIN,
YOU NEVER SAID JACK TO HIM.
>> [audience cheering]
>> Mark: THE PROBLEM HERE IS,
GUYS, WE GET OURSELVES
IN TROUBLE BECAUSE MEN HAVE
THIS NATURAL DEFENSE MECHANISM
THAT, AT ALL COSTS,
DO NOT STOP DOING
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
SO WHEN SOMEBODY
STARTS TALKING TO YOU,
WE AUTOMATICALLY HAVE
THIS DEFENSE MECHANISM
THAT GOES, "UH-HUH.
YEP. UH-HUH.
UH-HUH."
AND WE KEEP DOIN'
WHAT WE'RE DOIN',
AND SHE THINKS YOU'RE LISTENING.
BUT YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
YOU NEED TO STOP--
YOU'RE A BIG BOY.
STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
TURN TO THE GIRL,
AND PAY ATTENTION TO HER.
SO IT'S NOT ALL ON THE LADIES.
YOU'RE BIG BOYS.
WHEN SHE STARTS TALKING, STOP.
LISTEN TO THE GIRL.
AND THEN LET HIM GO
BACK TO WHAT HE WAS DOING.
SOUNDS FAIR, RIGHT?
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: WELL,
I STARTED DOING THIS,
AND I THOUGHT, "THIS IS GREAT.
I'M DOING A LOT BETTER.
YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING
THE SINGLE-TASKING.
YEAH. OKAY.
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?"
AND I'LL SAY,
"I DIDN'T HEAR THAT."
AND I'LL MAKE HER BACK UP,
AND SHE'LL TELL ME
THE INFO, AND I GOT IT.
OKAY, OKAY.
AND I THOUGHT I WAS DOING
A LOT BETTER, BUT STILL,
I WAS GETTING MYSELF IN TROUBLE.
SHE'D WALK UP AND SAY,
"IT'S 6:00. ARE YOU READY?"
"FOR WHAT?"
YOU KNOW, THAT HAPPENED
TO HALF YOU GUYS TONIGHT, RIGHT?
"WE'RE DOIN' WHAT?"
"I TOLD YOU."
"NO, YOU DIDN'T."
"YES, I DID."
AND OFF TO THE RACES
WE WOULD GO.
YAHH!
AND I THOUGHT,
"MAN, WHAT IN THE WORLD?"
'CAUSE I'M WATCHING
THE SINGLE-TASKING.
I DON'T REMEMBER
HER SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT--
AND I THOUGHT
I WAS LOSING MY HEARING.
SO I WENT TO A DOCTOR.
TRUE STORY.
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.
I WALKED IN.
HE SAID, "HOW YOU DOING?"
I SAID, "I'M OKAY."
HE SAYS, "WHAT SEEMS
TO BE THE PROBLEM?"
I SAID, "WELL, I THINK
I'M LOSING MY HEARING."
AND HE SAYS,
"WELL, YOU'RE GETTIN'
UP THERE IN AGE, YOU KNOW?
EARS ARE ONE
OF THE FIRST THINGS TO GO."
AND I SAID,
"WELL, THAT'S ONE OF THE FIRST?
I CAN HANDLE THAT."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: WE'LL TALK
MORE ABOUT THAT TOMORROW.
BUT, UH-- SO HE SAYS,
"WELL, GO OVER
TO NURSE CRATCHETT.
SHE'LL TEST YOUR EARS."
YOU KNOW.
SO I FOUND THE LADY,
AND SHE AND I WALK
INTO THIS ROOM.
AND THEY GOT
THIS CHEAP BOX ON A TABLE,
WITH SOME REAL
CHINTZY HEADPHONES.
AND SHE SAYS,
"ALL RIGHT, NOW,
PUT ON YOUR HEADPHONES.
WHEN YOU HEAR THE BEEP,
RAISE YOUR HAND.
IF YOU DON'T HEAR THE BEEP,
DON'T RAISE YOUR HAND."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: APPARENTLY,
I LOOK REALLY STUPID.
SO, ANYWAY,
I TURNED AROUND AND WE BEGAN.
[imitates beeping
high, low tones]
PRETTY SOON,
SHE GOES, "REALLY?
YOU CAN HEAR ALL THAT?"
I TURNED AROUND AND SAID,
"YEAH, WHY?"
SHE'S HITTING THE BOX.
[imitates striking]
"I DON'T KNOW.
PIECE OF JUNK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THIS THING?"
I SAID, "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"
"ACCORDING TO THIS,
YOU CAN HEAR
WHAT CATS AND DOGS CAN HEAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT--"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: SHE'S HITTING THE BOX.
SHE SAYS, "I'M GONNA SEND YOU
TO A SPECIALIST."
YOU EVER BEEN
TO THE SPECIALIST?
YOU KNOW, THEY GOT
THIS YO-MAMA SOUNDPROOF ROOM.
YOU KNOW, THE THICK DOOR.
YOU KNOW?
[imitates hydraulics]
[no sound]
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: YOU KNOW?
YOU GOT THE PERSON
SITTING BEHIND THE GLASS.
YOU KNOW, YOU FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE
IN A PEOPLE AQUARIUM.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "SIR,
WOULD YOU SIT DOWN?"
BUT, UH, ANYWAY,
SO AT THE TIME, WE LIVED
IN GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN.
AND RIGHT DOWNTOWN IN GREEN BAY,
THERE WAS A PLACE CALLED,
EYE AND EAR ASSOCIATES.
I'D NEVER HEARD OF THEM BEFORE.
I HAD NO REASON
TO HEAR FROM THEM.
BUT SHE SAID,
"I'M GONNA SEND YOU
TO THESE PEOPLE.
THEY HAVE
ALL THIS FANCY EQUIPMENT."
AND SO SHE TAKES
THE DOCTOR'S PAD AND WRITES,
"EYE, EAR,"
AND SHE ABBREVIATES "ASSOCIATES"
AND HANDS IT TO ME.
>> [audience laughing]
I SAID, "UH, WHAT KIND
OF DOCTOR IS THIS?"
TRUE STORY.
SHE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
I SAID, "I HEARD
OF EYE, EAR, AND THROAT."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "I NEVER HEARD
OF THIS."
SHE SAID,
"LET ME SEE THAT.
OH! I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
I'M SO EMBARRASSED."
SO SHE WROTE OUT, "ASSOCIATES."
I WENT, "OH! OH. OKAY.
THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE
IN FOR A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TEST
THERE FOR A MINUTE."
SO I GO
TO THE EYE, EAR, AND...
YOU KNOW, DOCTOR.
AND, UM...
I GET IN THERE, AND I SIT DOWN,
AND SHE'S BEHIND THE GLASS,
AND SHE HAS TO PUSH
THE BUTTON TO TALK.
"OKAY, NOW PUT ON
THE HEADPHONES.
WHEN YOU HEAR THE BEEP..."
SPIN AROUND, AND WE BEGAN.
[imitates high, low beeping]
I KID YOU NOT.
SHE GOES, "REALLY?
YOU CAN HEAR ALL THAT?"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: I FELT LIKE A MORON.
ALL RIGHT?
I TAKE THE PRINTOUT
TO THE SPECIALIST.
HE GOES,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU HAVE BETTER EARS THAN ME."
I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
SHE ASKED ME,
'ARE YOU READY AT 6:00?'
AND SO WE SAID--" [mumbling]
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: SO I GO HOME.
I WALK IN THE DOOR,
AND SHE SAYS,
"WELL, WHAT'D THE DOCTOR SAY?"
SHE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT,
BY THE WAY.
[laughing]
I SAY THAT,
BECAUSE PEOPLE USED TO COME
UP TO ME AND SAY,
"YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T HAVE
A VOICE LIKE THAT."
I DO IT FOR EFFECT.
BY THE WAY,
WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 32 YEARS.
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: WE HAVE TWO GRANDSONS.
VERY COOL.
BEAUTIFUL BOYS.
ONE IS 10 MONTHS OLD,
AND THE OTHER ONE IS EIGHT.
AND THEY'RE JUST SUCH A DELIGHT.
I LOVE GRANDCHILDREN,
'CAUSE NOW IT'S PAYBACK.
"COME HERE!
YOU WANT SOME MORE SUGAR?
THERE YOU GO.
OKAY! 'BYE!"
[maniacal laughter]
YOU KNOW?
MY SON, PHILIP,
IS HERE WITH US.
HE'S RUNNING THE AUDIO.
AND ON OUR
30th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY,
PHILIP GIVES ME A CALL UP,
AND HE SAYS, "HEY, DAD.
THIRTY YEARS.
THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING."
I SAID,
"WELL, THANK YOU, SIR."
I SAID, "BUT TRUTHFULLY, PHIL,"
I SAID, "YOU KNOW,
IT FEELS LIKE 10 MINUTES."
HE GOES, "REALLY?"
I SAID, "YEAH:
10 MINUTES...
UNDERWATER."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: [laughs]
OH, LIGHTEN UP!
ALL THE GIRLS,
"OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE SAID THAT.
WHAT IS SHE GONNA THINK?
AAAH!"
IT'S JUST THE JOKE BOX.
ALL RIGHT?
JUST A JOKE.
SO I COME BACK
FROM MY EAR THING.
SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHAT DID THEY SAY?"
"WELL, THEY SAID I CAN HEAR
WHAT CATS AND DOGS CAN HEAR."
SHE SAYS,
"THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
YOUR PROBLEM IS,
YOU JUST DON'T PAY ATTENTION."
AND I THOUGHT,
"BUT I'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.
I WAS WATCHING
THIS SINGLE-TASKING THING,"
AND I THOUGHT,
"I'M GONNA DO A TEST:
I WANT TO SEE HOW FAR
SHE GETS AWAY
BEFORE I CAN'T HEAR HER."
SO THE NEXT THING,
WE WERE SITTING IN THE KITCHEN,
AND SHE COMES UP,
AND SHE'S TALKING TO ME.
"LA, LA, LA, LA."
AND I GO, "UH-HUH."
AND SHE WALKS
A LITTLE BIT FURTHER AWAY.
SHE SAYS, "LA, LA, LA, LA."
OKAY, I CAN HEAR THAT.
AND SHE GOES
A LITTLE FURTHER AWAY.
"LA, LA, LA, LA."
JUST DOING
THE MULTITASKING THING.
THEN SHE GOES
INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
[quietly] "LA, LA, LA, LA."
AND NOW SHE GOES
INTO ANOTHER ROOM.
SHE'S NOW
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE,
STILL TALKING TO ME!
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: I SAID, "HEY!"
SHE YELLS BACK, "WHAT?!"
"I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE HOUSE!"
SHE GOES,
"AH, YOU DON'T LISTEN ANYWAY."
>> [audience cheering]
>> Mark: THE NEXT DAY,
I CAUGHT HER.
THIS TIME SHE GOES UPSTAIRS.
SHE'S ON ANOTHER FLOOR,
STILL GIVING ME
VITAL INFORMATION!
THAT'S WHEN
IT STARTED DAWNING ON ME,
"WAIT A MINUTE.
WE MIGHT SINGLE-TASK,
BUT THESE WOMEN SO MULTITASK,
THEY JUST KEEP DOING
WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
AND WHETHER OR NOT
YOU'RE IN THE SAME AREA CODE
IS 'IRREVELANT.'
RELEVANT." IRRELEVANT.
THAT'S THE WORD.
[imitates computer]
HAD A GUY, THE OTHER DAY, SAYS,
"YOU KNOW, MY WIFE'S LIKE THAT.
SHE'LL JUST--
SHE'LL BE TALKING TO ME.
SHE'S BY THE DRYER,
AND SHE'LL BE TELLING ME
SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
'LA, LA, LA, LA.'
SHE'LL STICK HER HEAD
IN THE DRYER, AND--"
[imitates mumbling]
"'LA, LA, LA!
AND BOY, YOU BETTER
DO THAT, OR..."
[mumbling]
"...OR YOU'RE GONNA BE
IN BIG TROUBLE!"
SHE STILL DOES THAT TO ME.
SHE'LL-- WE'LL BE, LIKE,
A REAL BUSY HIGHWAY.
[imitates cars zooming]
ALL KINDS OF NOISE.
AND SHE'LL BE TALKING.
"YOU KNOW SOMETHING
THAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT...
[mumbling]
...SO YOU BETTER
BE CAREFUL ABOUT--"
"WHAT? I DIDN'T HEAR
WHAT YOU SAID!"
THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, GIRLS.
IT APPLIES TO YOU.
IT WOULD HELP
IF YOUR HUSBAND WAS
IN THE SAME AREA CODE!
OKAY.
NOW, I FIRST SHARED THIS STORY
AT A MEN'S CONFERENCE
THAT I WAS SPEAKING AT.
AND I THOUGHT
IT WAS JUST A FUNNY STORY
THAT HAPPENED TO ME.
BUT AS I'M SHARING IT,
ALL THESE MEN'S HEADS
ARE GOING...
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: HAD ONE GUY
COME UP TO ME AFTERWARDS.
HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW, PASTOR,
I'LL BE IN THE BATHROOM.
THE DOOR IS CLOSED."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "THE FAN IS ON."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: "THERE'S
TILE EVERYWHERE,
SO SOUND BOUNCES AROUND
IN THERE.
I'M STANDING THERE.
ALL I CAN HEAR IS
THE SOUND OF RUSHING WATER.
AND SHE'S STILL TALKING TO ME!"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: GIRLS,
DON'T BE SO MULTITASKING
THAT YOU'RE DOIN'
A GAZILLION THINGS,
GIVING HIM VITAL INFORMATION.
ALL RIGHT?
AND ESPECIALLY
IF HE'S DOING SOMETHING.
I'M TELLING YOU,
THIS SIMPLE THING
THAT I'M TALKING TO YOU
CREATES MORE ARGUMENTS
AND MORE FRUSTRATIONS
IN MARRIAGES,
AND WE'RE FIGHTING OVER NOTHIN'!
WELL, YOU KNOW
YOU'RE REALLY MARRIED
TO A MULTITASKER
WHEN, DURING A MOMENT
OF INTIMATE PASSION...
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: ...SHE SUDDENLY
BLURTS OUT,
"OH, BY THE WAY,
THE PLUMBER SAYS
THE TOILETS ARE BROKEN."
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: "FOCUS, WOMAN! FOCUS!"
BUT MAN,
SHE CAN MAKE LOVE TO YOU
AND PLAN NEXT WEEK'S DINNERS
AND, YOU KNOW, JUST--
YOU KNOW, THINK
ABOUT THE TOILETS.
IT'S ALL THE SAME TO HER.
[imitates computer]
I NEED MY TABLET BACK UP HERE.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
IN NO OTHER AREA,
MEN'S BRAINS AND WOMEN'S BRAINS,
DO MEN AND WOMEN THINK
MORE DIFFERENTLY
THAN IN THIS AREA OF SEX.
AND I WILL GET INTO IT
IN A LOT MORE DETAIL TOMORROW.
BUT I WANT TO SHOW YOU
SOMETHING HERE
THAT I THINK WILL BE
OF GREAT INTEREST TO YOU.
GIVE MY LOVELY ASSISTANT A HAND.
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: NOW, SEX IS
A PRETTY BIG ISSUE,
PARTICULARLY FOR MEN.
FOR US, OUR SEXUAL INTEREST
PEAKS AT ABOUT AGE 18,
AND THEN GOES DOWN FROM THERE.
SO IF YOU WERE TO CHART IT OUT,
IT WOULD LOOK LIKE
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
IT PEAKS AT ABOUT AGE 18,
AND THEN GOES DOWN...
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: AND THEN YOU'RE DEAD.
>> [audience applauding]
>> Mark: NOW,
SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT
FOR A WOMAN TO UNDERSTAND:
WHEN IT COMES TO THIS AREA,
WE'RE NO LONGER DRIVEN SO MUCH
BY OUR BRAINS OR BY OUR HEARTS,
BUT IT'S BY A CHEMICAL.
IT'S CALLED TESTOSTERONE.
AND IT RUNS THROUGH OUR BLOOD--
[laughs]
[imitates lion roaring]
IT RUNS THROUGH OUR BLOOD,
AND IT DRIVES US CRAZY.
JUST-- [imitates machinery]
IF YOU GIRLS KNEW
HOW MUCH THIS DROVE US CRAZY,
YOU'D BE MORE DISGUSTED WITH US
THAN YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: WE DOWNPLAY IT, MAN.
AND IT'S-- I'M TELLING YOU--
AND AS FUNNY
AS THIS LITTLE CHART IS,
AND AS TRUE AS IT IS
FOR SO MANY MEN--
IF FOR SOME REASON,
AS A MAN AGES,
HIS TESTOSTERONE LEVELS
START TO DECLINE,
HIS INTEREST IN SEX
WILL START TO DECLINE.
AND IF IT--
IF HIS TESTOSTERONE LEVEL
DROPS DRAMATICALLY,
HIS INTEREST WILL GO WAY DOWN.
SAME HEAD, SAME HEART, SAME GUY,
AND NOW
HE'S NOT INTERESTED IN SEX.
YOU TREAT THAT MAN--
AND IT'S VERY EASY TO DO--
WITH TESTOSTERONE SUPPLEMENTS,
AND BOOM!
HE'S THE SAME WILD MAN
YOU MARRIED.
SAME HEAD, SAME HEART, SAME GUY.
NOW HE'S-- [imitates machinery]
"COME HERE, BABY."
ALL RIGHT?
SO THIS IS NOT
BECAUSE WE'RE SICKOS.
IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE'RE PERVERTS.
IT'S NOT 'CAUSE WE'RE BROKEN.
GOD WIRED US THIS WAY,
AND HE DID IT ON PURPOSE.
"WHAT WAS THAT PURPOSE?"
[laughing]
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU IN A MINUTE.
BUT YOU JUST NEED
TO REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS.
AND THE TRUTH IS,
WHEN WE GET THIS RUSH
OF TESTOSTERONE,
IT JUST MESSES WITH US.
NOW, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
DON'T RAISE YOU HANDS. BUT...
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: ...MOST MEN WILL ADMIT
THAT WE USUALLY RECEIVE
A TESTOSTERONE RUSH,
USUALLY VERY EARLY
IN THE MORNING.
AND FOR NO REASON AT ALL...
♪ [hums, "La Marsaillaise"]
TEN-HUT!
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: AND THEN
JUST WAKES US UP.
JUST-- [gasping]
WE'RE NOT THINKING
ABOUT ANYTHING.
ALL RIGHT?
AND THAT'S USUALLY
WHEN A MAN REACHES OVER
AND WHISPERS THOSE THREE WORDS
EVERY WOMAN LOVES TO HEAR:
"HEY, YOU AWAKE?"
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: WE'LL BE TALKING
MORE ABOUT THAT TOMORROW, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT. SO WHY--
WHY DOES GOD WIRE MEN
THIS WAY?
NOW, TO EXPLAIN THIS,
I NEED TO DO AN ANATOMY LESSON.
OKAY? Y'ALL OKAY?
"HANG ON, MARVIN!
HE'S GONNA DRAW PICTURES."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: IT'LL BE OKAY.
WE'LL KEEP IT CLEAN, OKAY?
NOW, WE'LL CALL THIS
THE GIRL'S HEART.
AND IN THE INTEREST
IN KEEPING EVERYTHING
AT LEAST PG-13,
WE WILL REFER TO THIS AS,
"THE PLACE OF HAPPINESS."
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: I HAD A LADY
COME UP TO ME RECENTLY,
AND SHE GOES,
"NOW I CAN'T EVEN GO
TO WALMART ANYMORE.
SMILEY FACES
ALL OVER THE PLACE!
IT'S LIKE-- AH! AAH!"
[imitates weeping]
>> [audience laughing]
>> Mark: NOW,
AT SOME FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL,
THIS IS EVERY MAN'S
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Laugh your way to a better marriage Part 3

992 Folder Collection
celee626 published on May 27, 2015
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