a climate deal with China, he's issued immigration order. Let's see how far he can take it.

[music]

♫ "I don't care! I love it! I love it! ♫ "I don't care! I love it! I love it!

I love it!"

[applause]

Good evening everybody. [crowd: Good evening]

Welcome to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The night when Washington celebrates itself.

[laughter]

Somebody's gotta do it. [more laughter]

And welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency. It's true I -- [laughter] --

That was Michelle cheering.

The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder massages--they're like magic.

[laughter] You should try one.

Oh you have?

I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left.

After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me, 'Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?'

And I said "well, I have something that *rhymes* with bucket list." [laughter]

Take executive action on immigration. Bucket!

New climate regulations? Bucket! It's the right thing to do.

And my new attitude is paying off. Look at my Cuba policy. The Castro brothers

are here tonight! [laughter]

Welcome to America! Amigos! ¿Qué pasa?

What? It's the Castros from Texas?

Oh. Hi Joaquin. Hi Julian.

Anyway. Being president is never easy. I still have

to fix a broken immigration system, issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran...

all while finding time to pray five times a day. [laughter]

Which is strenuous. [applause]

And it is no wonder that people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me.

I look so old, John Boehner's already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.

[laughter] Meanwhile Michelle hasn't aged a day.

[applause]

I asked her what her secret is. She just says

"fresh fruits and vegetables." It's aggravating.

The fact is though at this point my legacy is finally beginning to take shape.

The economy's getting better. Nine in ten Americans now have health coverage.

[applause] Today thanks to Obamacare you now no longer

have to worry about losing your health insurance if you lose your job.

You're welcome, Senate Democrats. [laughter]

Now look, it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy.

Six years into my presidency some people still say I'm arrogant and aloof. Condescending.

Some people are so dumb! [laughter] No wonder I don't meet with them! [laughter]

And that's not all people say about me.

A few weeks ago Dick Cheney says he thinks I'm the worst president of his lifetime.

Which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime! [laughter]

That's quite a coincidence. Man, everybody's got something to say these days.

Mike Huckabee recently said, people shouldn't join our military until a true conservative

is elected president. Think about that. It was so outrageous 47 ayatollahs wrote us

a letter trying to explain to Huckabee how our system works.

It gets worse. Just this week Michelle Bachmann actually

-- actually predicted that I would bring about the Biblical End of Days.

Now that's a legacy. [laughter] That's big!

I mean, Lincoln, Washington... they didn't do that.

But you know I just had to put this stuff aside,

I've got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans this is still a

time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend, just a few

weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year,

and she is now living out of a van in Iowa. [laughter]

Meanwhile, back here in our nation's capital, we're always dealing with new challenges.

And I'm happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent reporting by White House correspondents,

they're really focusing on some of the issues that have come up.

And they finally figured out a foolproof way

to keep people off my lawn. There it is.

[laughter] It works.

It's not just fence jumpers. Some of you know a few months ago a drone crash-landed out back.

That was pretty serious. But don't worry, we've installed a new, state-of-the-art security system.

Heh -- you know what? Let me set the record straight.

You know I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at my side for seven years.

I love that man. [applause] He's not just a great vice president, he is

a great friend. We've gotten so close in some places in Indiana they won't serve us pizza anymore.

[laughter]

I want to thank our host, for the evening, the Chicago girl, the incredibly talented

Cecily Strong. [applause] On Saturday Night Live, Cecily impersonates

CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin, which is surprising. Because usually the only people impersonating

journalists on CNN are journalists on CNN. [crowd: "Ohhh!!!"]

ABC is here with some of the stars from their big new comedy Blackish.

[applause] It's a great show, but I have to give ABC

fair warning, being Blackish only makes you popular for so long.

Trust me. There's a shelf life to that thing. [laughter]

As always, the reporters here had a lot

to cover over the last year. Here on the East Coast one big story was the brutal winter.

The polar vortex caused so many record lows they renamed it MSNBC.

[crowd: "ohhh!!!"]

But of course, let's face it. There's one

issue on every reporter's mind, and that is 2016.

Already we've seen some missteps. Turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic

back in 2009. But you know what? I understand. It's an innocent

mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself as

American back in 1961. [laughter]

Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of

climate change made him like Galileo.

Now that's not really an apt comparison.

Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the Sun.

Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.

An this is an aside -- I want to point out when a guy who has his face on a Hope poster

calls you self-centered... [laughter]

you know you've got a problem. The narcissism index is creeping up a little too high.

Meanwhile Rick Santorum announced that he

would not attend the same-sex wedding of a friend or a loved one.

To which gays and lesbians across the country responded, "that's not going to be a problem!"

"Don't sweat that one."

And Donald Trump is here.

Still. [laughter]

Anyway. It's amazing how time flies.

Soon the first presidential contest will take place and I for one cannot wait to see who

the Koch brothers pick. It's exciting.

Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker... who will finally get that

red rose.

The winner gets a billion dollar war chest.

The runner-up gets to be the bachelor on the next season of The Bachelor.

I mean seriously -- a billion dollars! From just two guys!

Is it just me or does that feel a little excessive? I mean it's almost insulting to the candidates.

The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one

of these people. It's gotta hurt their feelings a little bit.

And look, I know I've raised a lot of money too, but in all fairness my middle name is Hussein.

[laughter]

What's their excuse? [laughter]

The trail hasn't been easy for my fellow Democrats either.

As we all know Hillary's private e-mails got her in trouble.

Frankly I thought it was going to be her private Instagram account that was going to cause

her bigger problems...

Hillary kicked things off by going completely

unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, Martin O'Malley kicked

things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O'Malley campaign event.

[laughter]

And Bernie Sanders might run!

I like Bernie. Bernie's an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a

pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all!

Could happen.

Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note.

I often joke about tensions between me and the press.

But honestly, what they say doesn't bother me. I understand we've got an adversarial

system. I'm a mellow sort of guy.

And that's why I invited Luther, my anger translator, to join me here tonight. [applause]

[laughter]

HOLD ON to your lily-white butts!

In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents Dinner are important.

I mean really?! What is this dinner?!

And why am I required to come to it?! Jeb Bush -- do you really wanna do this?

Because despite our differences, we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day.

And we can count on FOX News to terrify old white people with some nonsense!

"SHARIA LAW IS COMIN' TO CLEVELAND! RUN FOR THE DAMN HILLS!"

Y'all, it's ridiculous!

So we won't always see eye to eye.

Oh hey CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall Ebola coverage. For two whole weeks we were one step away from the Walking Dead!

And then y'all got up and just moved on to the next thing.

That was awesome. Oh! And by the way, just if you haven't noticed, YOU DON'T HAVE EBOLA!!!

But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do.

Y'all remember when they had that big ol' hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico? And then I plugged it?!

Remember that? Which "Obama's Katrina" was that one? Was

it like 19 or was it, was it 20? I can't remember, I can't remember.

Protecting our democracy is more important than ever. For example the Supreme Court ruled

that the donor who gave Ted Cruz six million dollars was just exercising free speech.

Yeah, it's the kind of speech like this: "I just wasted six million dollars!"

And it's not just Republicans. Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money too.

Ohhhhh yeahhhh. She gonn' get that money!

She gonn' get aaaaaalllll the money!

Khaleesi is comin' to Westeros!

[cheering] So WATCH OUT! Whooo!

The nonstop focus on billionaire donors creates

real problems for our democracy. And that's why we runnin' for a third term!

No, no, no we're not. We're not?

WHO THE HELL SAID THAT?!!!! [laughter]

But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges. Like climate change.

Eh, listen y'all, if you haven't noticed, California is BONE DRY.

It look like a trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there!