Name: Life Lessons I Learned
Uploaded: 2024-08-31T09:50:44.000Z
Duration: 13 min 15 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

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This video is very much for me as it is for you because my brain loves to think the same negative thoughts but each time they rise up, I whack it with a reminder.

So that's what this video is gonna be about.

I want to really break down the difference between states versus traits.

A couple of months ago, I was having a pretty lousy day and my patience was running really thin.

Nothing I did would make him stop crying.

I just felt this immense guilt, like ah, I'm such a terrible mother.

And so I scribbled that into my journal and then I had a therapy session and she essentially told me that I am not a bad mother.

Whenever I'm feeling a big emotion, particularly a negative one, I have this tendency to cling onto that temporary state as a permanent trait that's embedded into me.

So states are fleeting emotions that we feel.

This can range from anger, resentment, envy, even joy and awe.

Our traits, however, are things that we will always be.

This was a clear like aha moment for me because having a clear distinction between these states versus traits allowed me to have more space between temporary things that I was feeling and my identity.

And the way we speak to ourselves is so important.

I have to be very careful on what I choose to identify myself as because that's the behavior that I'll end up continually doing in the future.

So if I say that I'm a bad mother, if I say that I'm a friend, then I will continue to put myself in situations where I make that my reality.

And this mental exercise can be applied to anything.

Instead of saying, God, I'm so lazy, I can't do anything right, you can reframe it to I'm a human being trying their best.

I made a mistake, but I am the master of my emotions and I will try again.

It just softens everything and it makes you less critical about yourself.

And it also preserves the pureness of your identity.

And on the topic of therapy, I wanna thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this video.

So BetterHelp is a service that makes starting therapy so much easier and much less intimidating.

There is a lot of flexibility and agency in this because you can schedule sessions at the comfort of your own home.

And then you could also decide what medium you feel most comfortable with.

That could be a phone call, a video call, or even messaging.

Just click my link, betterhelp.com slash Jen.

This will lead you to a questionnaire and you answer questions on what challenges you may be going through.

You select what type of therapist that you want, and then BetterHelp will match you with a therapist in most cases within 48 hours.

You schedule a session and then boom, you have started your therapy journey.

They've got a massive network of over 30,000 therapists based on your needs, preferences, and location.

They just have like a wider range of expertise compared to what may be available in your city.

Let's say you and your therapist aren't really vibing.

You just go on your settings, click a button, and they will change your therapist at no additional cost.

So if you guys are interested in therapy, you can join over 4 million people who have used BetterHelp to start living a healthier, happier life.

You can go to my link, betterhelp.com slash Jen.

I will also leave that in the description box.

You can get 10% off your first month, and you can start your therapy journey today.

One overarching assumption that I continue to have in my life is to assume that everyone is trying their best.

But when I continue to make this assumption in my life, it helps me function better, especially when I face challenging interpersonal situations.

Let's say I go to a store and the clerk is rude to me.

Like a quick reaction would be like, oh my God, like what's this person's deal?

And if I hold onto this anger, then it ends up just bleeding into the rest of my day.

Holding onto that anger only ends up hurting me in the end.

It creates a story in my head that that person is a villain and I'm the victim.

And God, that cloak of victimhood can feel really good.

It's heavy, it's familiar, and it passes the blame onto somebody else.

But when I assume that that person was trying their best at that given moment, it immediately releases that tension and heaviness, and it turns it into forgiveness and lightness.

There are so many reasons why people behave the way they do.

Maybe the clerk was rude to me because they live with chronic pain.

And yeah, best behavior looks different on different people, different days.

But when I make this assumption about everyone trying their best, it puts me more at ease and allows me to move on from things that trigger me.

So my next lesson is all about hitting the pause button.

This is essentially to try to remember to take a beat before reacting to things.

Now, this is very challenging because we are faced with hundreds of cause and effect situations.

And a lot of the times, it's like an automatic response.

If we touch something hot, then we let it go because we don't wanna get burned.

Now, this is an example where we're rewarded by our automatic response.

But the thing is, our brain just likes to apply that same system everywhere.

So if someone cuts in front of us on the highway, we honk.

If you receive a snarky comment, we quit back with an aggressive response.

Every time I delay my reaction to things, it gives me the space to tap into that higher, more evolved version of myself.

And I can ask myself the questions of, wait, how do I actually wanna respond to this?

Or do I even need to react to this at all?

It's honestly pretty rare for things to require an urgent response.

In most cases, you can afford a one to two minute delay of reflection and really think about how you want to respond to it.

Questions like, why would this person be behaving this way?

Is this something that I need to resolve right now?

And usually walking through and answering these questions puts me in a better, more calm state.

I always try to give the situation and the person the benefit of the doubt.

I just assume that they're trying their best.

There comes a time in everyone's adulthood when you have that chilling realization that you are responsible for yourself.

And that includes all the emotions that you feel.

So whenever I'm feeling down or dysregulated, I repeat this mantra to myself.

I have a choice to make myself feel better.

And when I say this, it gives me a sense of control.

So in those moments where I may be feeling anxious or I don't know, this like level of despair humming in the background, first I do like a physiological check-in.

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Life Lessons I Learned

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