Name: Notes on Friendships | overthinking, break ups, deepening relationships, friction
Uploaded: 2024-08-29T16:18:40.000Z
Duration: 16 min 17 s
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Hello friends. Yeah, you. I'm calling you a friend because chances are if you click this video, you might feel some type of way about the friendships in your life. Maybe insecurity, maybe some doubt, maybe a lot more. But I am here to hold your hand and we're going to break down all things friendship. So let's get started. Now I'm going to be real here. Throughout the years,

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I have been a spectacular friend. I have also been a very shitty friend. I've been a straight up mid vanilla friend, but at the right age of 33, I think I finally refined it so that I know how to be a better friend to those in my life. Let's look a little deeper. Let's look inward.

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Let's ask ourselves the questions. What kind of friend am I? What do I have to offer? Essentially, these questions are good little like thought experiments to understand your own self-worth and what you are bringing to the friendship potluck. Because the reality is you attract what you are, not what you want. Anyway, I've done my homework already, so I will share my list.

I've been told that I'm a great hype woman. If you have a goal, I want to help you achieve it.

You want to sell some coins on Etsy? Let's do it. Run a marathon. Let's go. I feel like I get like an actual contact high when I see my friends growing and evolving. It just makes me so freaking happy. I'm also a good listener. Some people can remember the lines of a movie front to back, or can explain string theory. But my superpower is that I have this uncanny memory when it comes to conversations. If you tell me something or share something with me, chances are I will remember it and follow up. And this last one might sound a little weird, but chances are I won't envy anything you have. I know it's a bold statement, but I know I'm a secure person where someone's success doesn't trigger or activate anything in me other than genuine happiness. Like you never have to dim your light to make me feel comfortable. In my opinion, the more attuned and self-aware about your great qualities and not so great qualities, the better of a friend you can be.

When I reflect on all the most tumultuous times of my friendships, it's when I was not in a good headspace. It's when I had low self-esteem and a lot of self-doubt. That's when I can be envious or competitive or second guessing whether my friend even likes me or just dragging friendships that have been needing to end. And of course, a lot of these revelations happen through years of journaling and therapy. This is also where I want to take a quick minute to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this video. I've definitely become a better friend to others and myself through therapy. And I think it's because my therapist gets the rough, rough draft of anything that I'm going through, especially when it comes to friendships. Because when you're talking about friendship conflict, sometimes it could be a little like, eh, to talk about it with other friends because it's kind of like, is this gossip or am I just trying to work things through? With the therapist, I like knowing that what I'm going through is entering an airtight container. Therapy has been a great way for me to resolve the things that have been bubbling up in my friendship sector.

So if you guys are down to dabble in some therapy, you can have BetterHelp connect you to a licensed therapist to help you and your mental health. And getting started is a breeze. You just go to my link, betterhelp.com slash Jen, answer a few questions, and then BetterHelp will connect you to a professional, usually within 48 hours. From there, you can have your session either on a phone, computer, call, video chat, or even messaging. So if you'd like to give therapy a go, again, my link is betterhelp.com slash Jen, or you can choose Jen Im during signup to enjoy a special discount for your first month. All right, so now that we've done our inner work, let's explore the outer world.

We're gonna do a really fun exercise, guys. This is called a friend map. I want you to list every friend, acquaintance, even like friends that you'd like to get closer with on that list. It's gonna come in clutch when you have those nights where you're just crying, being like, I have no friends.

You'll know that it's a lie because you have this list. Look at it, memorize it. Who is in your inner circle? Honestly, if you have a rotation of three good friends in your life, you are good. But let's say you only have one. Maybe it's time to look at that list of acquaintances and prepare to graft.

Really think about what chapter they are in their lives. I mean, I think this isn't like a huge thing to consider for your close friends because they will make time for you no matter where you guys are in life. But I find that this is helpful, especially with new friendships, because it helps when you guys are on a similar path. So questions like, are they married? Are they single? Do they have kids? Are they more work oriented? Are they going to school? Are they that random unemployed friend who is in Ibiza on a Tuesday afternoon? Are they more of a homebody? So next to the friends list, I want you to make a list of all the activities and interests that you would like to enjoy with a friend. So my big one is I want to have some deep and real conversations. These are the type of friends that you can hit up and be anywhere, like a Costco parking lot, just talking about the meaning of life and also wondering why matcha is $12 in LA. Once you have this list, try slotting your friends in each one of these sections. Some are just going to be very specific and some are going to tick a lot of those boxes. I do this because it's a lot to expect one friend to tick every single one of your needs. Like your introverted but like deeply reflective homebody friend might be great for a night in, but probably not the friend to take out to a warehouse party, you know, and that's okay. The ones that tick many of those boxes, those are your unicorn friends.

Keep them, cherish them, they are so freaking rare and consider yourself lucky. So now that we got the organization part out of the way, let's talk about building and maintaining a friendship. My biggest tip on that is to reach out. Reach out! Reach out first and never keep a tally on who reached out first because you will honestly be setting yourself up for disappointment. We all have seasons, we're all going through stuff, so do not be afraid to be the first to initiate something. As long as they're saying yes, that's all that matters. Keep that friendship momentum going. Ask them out for dinner, go to a karaoke bar, go on a hike, go on a picnic, organize a beach day. Do not take it personally if people can't make it. Just keep going down that list and find someone that says yes eventually. You gotta shoot your shot, baby! Like honestly, life is way too short to just be twiddling your thumbs waiting for something to magically appear. You have control of your own life. So once you've locked in some quality time, here are some things that I keep in mind to deepen a friendship.

I think the best types of friendships are ones where you can just dive right in, you know? I just can't keep things at surface level the whole time, you know? That's like just splashing around the kiddie pool. No, I want to get deep. I want to go in the dark waters with you and then like come back on the shore and splash around again. And when a friend is sharing something with you, let them spread out. Ask them deeper questions. And if you can't think of a question, just like a simple earnest, wow, tell me more. Goes a long way, especially if they're like really excited about the topic. And a conversation doesn't always need to be 50-50 right on the dot, but it should feel balanced, you know? At best, it feels like a really satisfying game of ping pong where you guys are snapping back and forth. But you know, there are also times when a friend needs the world of you and when you need the world from your friend. That's true, real friendship right there. Regardless, it's important to be vulnerable first. In the words of the great Brene Brown, a lot of times when we enter social situations, we are wearing this clunky, heavy armor in hopes that it's going to protect us. We might feel guilty or shameful about opening up about something a little too personal in our lives, but when you do that, you're just hurting yourself. You're bottling that shit in. That's not good for you. But it's easier for someone to open up when you take off that armor first. You're like, you know, I'm done. This is me. Accept it or leave it. And oftentimes, that inspires them to take off their armor too. Let's say you're that type of friend that doesn't want to share something dark or too sensitive in hopes that it will kill the vibe. Try this thought experiment. Imagine the situation is reversed. Imagine that a good friend is really struggling with something and wants to open up to you about it. How would you feel? Personally, I would feel honored that they feel safe enough to share that information with me. Like never once have I been at a party being like, God, I was really enjoying myself at the bar until my friend wanted to talk about grieving the loss of a parent. Never. True friends will always be there when you need them.

It's like a seesaw. Sometimes you're down, then they spring you back up. Vice versa. How do I know when to keep a friend? I think the biggest factor for me in this is after each hang, I kind of check in with myself and see how I'm feeling. Do I feel lighter or do I feel drained? Overall, I feel lighter. Even if what we spoke about was dark as f**k, I still feel just more fortified because I know we've got each other's backs. But if you notice that after each hang, you're feeling heavier or you're just kind of like second guessing, like do they even like me? I think it's important to not ignore this. It might be a time to just put some space, let the friendship breathe, or pull them over for a chat. Love Island style. Our intuition is a big thing and I think we should listen to it a lot more. Now in a friendship, there will be friction because as humans, we are imperfect.

Sometimes we act shitty unintentionally or sometimes the chemistry is just off. But these are some things that have helped me navigate times of hardship in a friendship. This is the hot take, but do not try to change your friend. When you are deciding that you want to be friends with someone, you have to accept them exactly as they are right now. If you are trying to change someone, that is your weird way of attempting to control them. You have to let people be who they are and if you spend any time trying to change someone, you're just draining your own precious energy. You're gonna be so disappointed and we are done with our Bob the Builder era. For example, we all have that friend that is consistently late to the function. Every time, without a shadow of a doubt, they're gonna be late. They're gonna be texting you being like, I'm on the way. You're like, no you're not bitch. I know you're at home. And the thing is, we still love them because once they arrive, it's a good time. Instead of criticizing them or just being like passive-aggressive on their tardiness, what if, what if we just accepted them as our tardy friend? You know, you can't change them. You just can't. You're not God, but you can change your thoughts and you can adapt. It makes sense to meet them at a place where time's not going to be a big factor. You can invite them over to yours or offer to go to theirs. Be like, hey I'm gonna bring some wine and cookies. How does that sound? And then another easy trick is if the dinner's at 7, tell them it's at 6 30. My personal trick when I'm hanging out with the tardy friend is that I just bring my Kindle or like another piece of reading material so that way when I'm waiting, I'm actually getting some reading in. So it's a win-win. I feel like these small adjustments can really help with the health of a good friendship. Now I want to cover confrontation. As we've established, we are all deeply imperfect. We're gonna mess up. Let's say there's a friend that's not treating you right. It's killing your vibe. Maybe on a night out she's just picking on you or making you feel small. If it's really bothering you, I think it makes sense to have a chat about it. You know, it doesn't need to be a crazy big intervention style. If you don't speak your mind and you let it roll over every single time, that irk is gonna mutate to resentment and resentment is a demon y'all. It is really really hard to shake off when resentment's living in your heart. It boils, it ferments, it mutates even further. It's dark. So better to just clear the air and there is no play-by-play on handling difficult conversations but my rule of thumb is it's not what you say, it's how you say it. So really simple, hey yesterday when you said x y and z about me, it made me feel like this and if they're a true friend, they're gonna be like oh my god I didn't even realize I did that. I'm so sorry and then the behavior can be resolved. Most of the time our behavior is completely subconscious. So honestly if a friend pulled me over saying that I made them feel a certain way about a certain thing that I did, I would be all ears, apologize and we can move forward. But let's say that friend is acting hostile and defensive. I think it's time to give that friendship a little break. Moving on to more of a serious example of confrontation. Let's say you have a friend who is making life choices that you don't agree with. Before you confront them, really reflect on what the situation is. Is this coming from a place of judgment or actual genuine care?

This is an extremely delicate area because you just do not want to come off preachy because immediately walls will go up. You got to remember that everyone is just trying to figure out their own shit. People are going to do what they're going to do and they will change when they want to change. Not because of something you said. As much as our ego would like to believe that like oh my god it's me. No. They change because they wanted to. It just shows that we're all on our own timelines and that means making mistakes. A lot of them. I think that's one of the hardest things about life. It's watching the people you love make devastating choices to learn the lessons that they need to.

You just got to trust the process. I'm a firm believer that friendships have seasons. The only constant thing is change and we have zero control on who decides to stay in our lives and one of our big life lessons is to be at peace with that. Friendships can fizzle for a lot of reasons.

Maybe someone moves. They have kids. They get into a relationship. Changes their career or maybe it's something deeper and we should normalize that friendships wax and wane and most of the time it's not even worth having a conversation about because it's like a mutual understanding.

I call this a friendship winter and the signs are all there. It's when they reach out to you and you're just really struggling to find a date that works or if like the day finally comes and you're just like filled with dread. That is probably a sign that you need to let the friendship breathe.

I have been in both positions. The reacher and the reachy. The reality is we all have such a limited amount of free time. We spend a lot of our time working and then if you have like a little side project thing like a passion project thing you want to spend some time in that. If you're a parent you gotta mom it up. Then you're just trying to do some self-care stuff to recharge. Any free time that's remaining should be spent on the friends that are feeding you. Fueling you. Life is too short to spend it with people that you just don't want to. I mean release the guilt. Release the obligation. This is your freaking life. Probably just in different life paths. Maybe you guys will merge again. I do want to cover friendship breakups though because they are just awful but a part of life. Friendship can only work when both parties want to participate and if one of y'all want to bounce our job is to radically accept that. If you're up for it you can ask your friend why they want to break away. I think it's worth hearing out what they have to say in my opinion. You don't need to take it all to heart but you will be getting feedback from someone who spent a lot of time with you. It could be a path for growth but let's say they ghosted you with no response. This is when you're gonna have to put your creative hat on and come to your own conclusions. I realized that everyone I know has a different version of me in their head and that's a narrative that I can't control. We're all multi-faceted people that have just ever-changing moods depending on the environment or the place that we're in our lives. If I am in a period of self-doubt and self-hatred

I am not going to be vibrating high at the function but if I have crossed off everything on my to-do list I'm feeling electric. I am just gonna be bouncing off the walls and your true friends are the ones that accept all versions of you exactly as you are and instead of lasering in on that one friend that doesn't want to be a part of your life you have to remember it's their loss baby. Look at all the friends that choose to stay in your life. Friendship is always going to be a two-way street.

 Remember who you are and what you bring to the table and if you're having one of those days where you're feeling really sorry for yourself bust out that list and read all those great qualities and attributes that you bring to the table. You have to be your own hype man you know no one else is going to do it better than you. So that is a wrap on this video. Before I head out if you are interested in starting therapy let BetterHelp connect you to a therapist in the comfort of your own home. Visit betterhelp.com slash Jen or click Jen Im during the sign up for a special discount of your first month. Alright thank you so much for watching and I'll see you guys in the next one. Bye!

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Notes on Friendships | overthinking, break ups, deepening relationships, friction

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