Howareyou? Fantastic. Theotherday I gotintoanargumentwithmygirlfriend, right?
ShelikeswatchingtheOprahWinfreyshowand I lovetowatchherwatchtheOprahshow.
Andthen I waitforOprahtosaysomethingthat I don't agreewithandthen I takeitoutonmygirlfriendbecause I'm anasshole. So, Oprahbringsoutthisguest, shegivesherthishugeintro. She's beenonthis, she's beenonthat, andshedoesthemostdifficultjobontheplanet. She's themother. Soimmediately I lookatmygirlfriend, I'm like, really?
Being a momisthemostdifficultjobontheplanet? Howmanymothersdiedoniceroadtruckerslastseason? AnymomsgetwashedoverboardonDeadliestCatch? I'm nottryingtobedisrespectful, butwhatwouldyouratherhaveas a job? Youwanttoscoopscallopsoffthebottomoftheocean, catchingthatlobstertraptothebackofyourhead? Ordoyouwanttohanginthesunshinewith a coupleofrugrats? You'd sendthemtobedanytimeyouwanted, sometrumpedupcharges, becauseyouwanttohave a drinkandwatchtheprices, right? I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybeitisthemostdifficultjob.
I mean, I thoughtroofinginthemiddleofJulyis a redhead, youknow? I thoughtthatwas a difficultjob. I reallydid. I thoughtitwasdifficult. Butevidently, evidentlythesemothers, they'rebendingoveratthewaist, puttingDVDsintoDVDplayers, goingtowarpinneddownby a sniper. What a joke! Youeverburp a babyandforgettoputthattowelupthere? There's anothershirtyougottowash. Oh, liftwithyourkneesandputitinthatmachinethatdoesitforyou. Dude, anyjobyoucandoinyourpajamasisnotdifficult. Itisn't. I'm sureit's. Yeah, tohellwiththesemothers. Watchingcartoons, takingnaps. Look, I'm messingaround, butyouknow, comeon. I knowit's a difficultjob, butthemostdifficultjobonthewholeplanet. RememberwhenSaddamlettheoilfieldsonfireandthosepoorbastardshadtogoputthemout? 4,000 degrees, walkinginwithyourlittleasbestosshield, justwalkingintoflames. Youwanttodothatorwatch
BobtheBuilderagain? I mean, behonestwithyourself. I got a dogrecently. I did. I wentdowntothepound. I gotoneofthosefreedogs. Yeah, that's how I sayit. I don't say
I rescued a dog. I hatewhenpeoplesaythat. It's liketotallyobnoxious. It's a completeexaggeration. She's a rescue. Yeah, I rescuedher. Really? Didyoupullheroutof a burningbuilding? Didyoujumpin a riverwithyourclothesstillonwithnoconcernforyourownsafety? Ordidyoujustgodowntothepoundandget a freedog? Isn't thatwhatyoudid? Stopactinglikeyouhadtotakeout a coupleofguards, crawlingonyourelbows, usinghandsignals. Dude, youevergodowntothepoundandthey'rejustgivingthemaway? Theydon't evendo a backgroundcheck. Youwantanegg? Getoutofhere. Who's next? Youwant a poodle? Comeon. Yougot a perm. It'llbehilarious. Actually, mygirlfriendgotthedogwhen I wasontheroad.
I wasontheroad. Shegotthedog. Classicgirlfriendmove, right? That's just a 10 to 15 yearcommitment. Whywouldyouincludemeinthatdecision? Whatwould I needtoknow? So, we'reSkyping. I thoughtshegotoneofthoselittleshitdogs, youknow, like a Yorkshire
Terrierorsomethingyoucouldpuntacrosstheroomifitgotoutofline, right? Somethingyoucouldtakeyourdayouton. Youknowwhat I'm saying? So, we'reSkyping. I go, letmeseeit.
So, shepansaroundand I think I'm gonnasee, youknow, somelittle, littlechihuahua, whateverthehellthosedogsare. I'm immediatelystaringatlikethishellhound. It's justmassivedoganditlooks, I startfreakingout. I'm like, isthat a pitbull? Pleasetellmeyoudidn't get a pitbull. She's like, it's not a pitbull. It's a mix. Mixwithwhat? Anotherpitbull? Lookatthatthing. It's likeit's beendoingpull-upsitsentirelife. Itsfrontpawswerestilltapedupandshadowboxing. It's got a teardroptattoo. It's a pitbull. Whatmoredoyouneedtosee?
Oh, itgetsworse. Herand a friendactuallydidn't getitdownatthepound. TheyfounditbytheLosAngelesRiver. Yeah, thisthingwastherealdeal. She's sittingtheregoing, itwasouttherefor 10 days. Don't youthinkthat's sad? No, it's scarybecausejudgingbyitsphysique, itgotplentyofproteinoverthelastweekand a half. Itwasn't eatingnutsandberries, allright? Itwaschokingoutjoggers. Itwastwistingheadsoffofrabbits. Youbrought a murdererintothehouse. Justrescueanalligatorwhileyou'reatit. Stickitunderthebed, addtotheexcitement. Youknowwhat's greatthough? I fellinlovewiththedog.
Absolutelylovethisdogand I'm totallysoldonthebreed. And I know a lotofpeopledon't likepitbullsbecausetheyate a coupleofkids. I understandthat. I'm tellingyou, youoweittoyourselfatsomepointinyourlifetowalkdownthestreetwith a pitbull.
Doyouremembertheoldcommercials? Theyjustshowsomeguyin a rainstorm, has a flat, pullsout a flashlight. Oh, thankGodhehadDuracell. Youcanseehowwet I'm getting.