She likes watching the Oprah Winfrey show and I love to watch her watch the Oprah show.

And then I wait for Oprah to say something that I don't agree with and then I take it out on my girlfriend because I'm an asshole. So, Oprah brings out this guest, she gives her this huge intro. She's been on this, she's been on that, and she does the most difficult job on the planet. She's the mother. So immediately I look at my girlfriend, I'm like, really?

Being a mom is the most difficult job on the planet? How many mothers died on ice road truckers last season? Any moms get washed overboard on Deadliest Catch? I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but what would you rather have as a job? You want to scoop scallops off the bottom of the ocean, catching that lobster trap to the back of your head? Or do you want to hang in the sunshine with a couple of rug rats? You'd send them to bed any time you wanted, some trumped up charges, because you want to have a drink and watch the prices, right? I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is the most difficult job.

I mean, I thought roofing in the middle of July is a redhead, you know? I thought that was a difficult job. I really did. I thought it was difficult. But evidently, evidently these mothers, they're bending over at the waist, putting DVDs into DVD players, going to war pinned down by a sniper. What a joke! You ever burp a baby and forget to put that towel up there? There's another shirt you got to wash. Oh, lift with your knees and put it in that machine that does it for you. Dude, any job you can do in your pajamas is not difficult. It isn't. I'm sure it's. Yeah, to hell with these mothers. Watching cartoons, taking naps. Look, I'm messing around, but you know, come on. I know it's a difficult job, but the most difficult job on the whole planet. Remember when Saddam let the oil fields on fire and those poor bastards had to go put them out? 4,000 degrees, walking in with your little asbestos shield, just walking into flames. You want to do that or watch

Bob the Builder again? I mean, be honest with yourself. I got a dog recently. I did. I went down to the pound. I got one of those free dogs. Yeah, that's how I say it. I don't say

I rescued a dog. I hate when people say that. It's like totally obnoxious. It's a complete exaggeration. She's a rescue. Yeah, I rescued her. Really? Did you pull her out of a burning building? Did you jump in a river with your clothes still on with no concern for your own safety? Or did you just go down to the pound and get a free dog? Isn't that what you did? Stop acting like you had to take out a couple of guards, crawling on your elbows, using hand signals. Dude, you ever go down to the pound and they're just giving them away? They don't even do a background check. You want an egg? Get out of here. Who's next? You want a poodle? Come on. You got a perm. It'll be hilarious. Actually, my girlfriend got the dog when I was on the road.

I was on the road. She got the dog. Classic girlfriend move, right? That's just a 10 to 15 year commitment. Why would you include me in that decision? What would I need to know? So, we're Skyping. I thought she got one of those little shit dogs, you know, like a Yorkshire

Terrier or something you could punt across the room if it got out of line, right? Something you could take your day out on. You know what I'm saying? So, we're Skyping. I go, let me see it.

So, she pans around and I think I'm gonna see, you know, some little, little chihuahua, whatever the hell those dogs are. I'm immediately staring at like this hellhound. It's just massive dog and it looks, I start freaking out. I'm like, is that a pit bull? Please tell me you didn't get a pit bull. She's like, it's not a pit bull. It's a mix. Mix with what? Another pit bull? Look at that thing. It's like it's been doing pull-ups its entire life. Its front paws were still taped up and shadowboxing. It's got a teardrop tattoo. It's a pit bull. What more do you need to see?

Oh, it gets worse. Her and a friend actually didn't get it down at the pound. They found it by the Los Angeles River. Yeah, this thing was the real deal. She's sitting there going, it was out there for 10 days. Don't you think that's sad? No, it's scary because judging by its physique, it got plenty of protein over the last week and a half. It wasn't eating nuts and berries, all right? It was choking out joggers. It was twisting heads off of rabbits. You brought a murderer into the house. Just rescue an alligator while you're at it. Stick it under the bed, add to the excitement. You know what's great though? I fell in love with the dog.

Absolutely love this dog and I'm totally sold on the breed. And I know a lot of people don't like pit bulls because they ate a couple of kids. I understand that. I'm telling you, you owe it to yourself at some point in your life to walk down the street with a pit bull.

You got to do it. It's tremendous. People just get out of the way.

Three, four blocks away, they see me coming. They immediately start crossing the street.

I love it. I feel like a king. I don't know why black people complain about that.

I love having the whole side of the street to myself. It's awesome.

Black people have no idea how difficult it is as a white man to have to walk down the street every half a block, have frivolous conversations about the weather.

Oh man, I think it is going to rain. Why? Why do we have to have this conversation?

No, it's tremendous. I like the respect. Look at me. My whole life, I've looked like Ron Howard.

You realize that? My whole life, I've been mugged repeatedly. I've never had any street cred whatsoever. The second they see this four-legged P90X body coming down the street, that's it.

It's the best dog on the planet. You got to get a pit bull. I'm telling you, man, it's like a gun you can pet. Get two of them. Come down, you're just strapped.

All of a sudden, there's no line at the ATM. The whole world opens up for you.

All right, let's wrap this up here. I had lunch the other day. I'm a big-time conspiracy theorist.

I drive my girlfriend nuts. I think they're about ready to microchip all of us.

Yeah, they got this commercial down in the States. You got that commercial up here for Duracell batteries? They're selling batteries, and the commercial is, some woman can't find her kid in the park. That's how they're selling batteries. What the hell kind of way is that to sell batteries?

Do you remember the old commercials? They just show some guy in a rainstorm, has a flat, pulls out a flashlight. Oh, thank God he had Duracell. You can see how wet I'm getting.

That was it. Now they're showing this woman she can't find her kid in the park.

She's sitting there going, Kevin? Kevin? Has anybody seen Kevin? Sitting there freaking out, then she pulls out this little device, and there comes Kevin running out of the woods, and they're like, Duracell batteries. It's like, dude, the hell with the batteries.

What was that thing she just took out of her pocket? How did Kevin know to come out of the woods? He didn't have an antenna. His sneakers weren't glowing. What the hell is in Kevin that's connected to that device? Don't just show me that like that's normal. Oh, yeah, robot kid. Let's go see mommy. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much.

People say, do you ever smoke marijuana? I go, I don't need another reason to be hungry.

Like you ever seen a guy hit on a woman through a group of other people, like not even bother walking up to her, just like yells at her like, hey, you with the tits. You guys move. What's up? I'm Greg like that guy.