I don't know, like, I'm straight, so I'm attracted to men.

But I don't find men attractive.

Yes, I'm a woman!

Give it up for me!

I'm a woman!

I'm here!

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm a woman.

I love being a woman, but it's a lot of work, you know?

Like, I have to wear makeup to look like a woman.

And I'm an Asian female.

It's trickier for us.

You know, like, my...

Our facial features are gender neutral.

You know?

Like, white people are different.

You guys are like, oh, I have my mom's eyes.

I'm like, oh, yeah, I have my dad's entire face.

None of you know him, but you see it, right?

So I have to wear mascara and blush every day to disguise myself as a young, beautiful Asian woman.

One time, I was at the airport.

I had no makeup on.

My hair was tied up in a bun.

And someone called me, sir.

I'm not making it up.

This is a real problem for Asian women.

You know the plot of Mulan.

Remember?

The young, beautiful Disney princess, Mulan.

All she did was go like this.

And the plot changed entirely.

Everyone's like, sir, excuse me, sir.

Let's get down to business.

I can't put my hair up.

I just hear, be a man.

I'm like, what the fuck?

I wear fake eyelashes, okay?

I glue on hair where there should already be hair.

You know?

It's like, guys, I know you'd be late to stuff too if you glued your balls on every day.

You know?

But I am in my 30s.

I'm a woman in my 30s.

I miss my 20s.

I hooked up with everybody.

You guys should have been there, because we would have, you know...

Look, I got a lot of action.

I put up solid numbers on the board in my 20s.

Because if you're a single woman, it's easy.

Men make themselves available for you.

They were everywhere.

They were hard for me to resist when I could just reach out and grab one.

I couldn't, you know...

It's like, you know when there's a plate of fries on the table and you eat them even if you're not hungry?

You know?

I wasn't even thinking.

I was like...

I was like, okay, someone take these dicks away from me.

Like, I'm...

Seriously, take them away.

I'm stuffed.

I can't fit one more.

But if you'll have one, I'll have one.

You know what I mean?

Like, let's...

Do you want to split?

Like, let's be bad.

It's the weekend.

Let's...

But in my 20s, I was single for most of it, and I used to be sad about it.

It used to bum me out.

But I've grown up.

I'm in my 30s now.

My feelings have evolved.

Like, now I'm angry.

Now Mama's pissed, okay?

Because I don't want to keep looking for this man.

Like, why am I looking for...

I feel like when I finally find him, I'm going to act like a mom whose kid got lost at the grocery store.

You know?

Like, hey, where have you been?

Get in the car!

That was so weird.

Stop crying.

Get in the car.

But I am in my 30s.

I have never been married.

So I've...

All right.

Okay.

Calm down.

All right.

Security.

What the hell?

What the hell?

But if you're industry, so sorry.

Glad you're here.

Thank you so much for coming.

Okay, I've never been married, okay?

I've never met my soulmate, right?

But even though I've never met this guy, I think about him all the time.

I wonder about him, you know?

I'm like, what is he like?

What does he do?

Where does he live?

Like, he's got to be pretty special, right?

But now I'm realizing we should not do this.

We shouldn't hype up our soulmates this much.

Because at this point, I've been waiting my entire life to meet this one man.

And I'm not trying to sound mean.

But I know he's not going to be worth the wait.

Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what I mean?

It's like my whole life, who am I waiting for?

A guy named Greg in a graphic tee?

Like, who cares?

You know, if I saw Greg tonight, I wouldn't even get in line, you know?

And it's hard now, like, all my friends are married.

They're all married, so they pressure me.

They're like, Leslie, aren't you scared that she might die alone?

I'm like, dude, I am an Asian female.

I don't think we even die.

Okay?

I'm all, I'm chilling, I'm chilling.

I don't know what happens to us.

I think we just shrink and float away.

And I'm excited.

I can't wait.

But it's hard being a straight woman.

Where are the straight women at?

See how sad, see how sad we are?

Did you hear that?

See how sad we are inside, on the inside?

It's a struggle for me, being a straight woman.

It's hard.

Like, I rarely meet a man that gets me smitten, you know?

It's confusing.

I don't know.

Like, I'm straight, so I'm attracted to men.

But I don't find men attractive.

Does that make sense?

Do you know what I mean, honey?

Do you know what I mean?

It's like, I want you to hold me, but do you always have to wear a hat?

It's like, I...

Is that how you guys get ready?

Is that...

I can't, I can't believe I'm straight.

I can't believe that's what I want.

You know what I mean?

Like, it's not a choice.

I can't believe I'm straight.

Because women are beautiful.

Like, women, gorgeous.

Any woman could walk by and change your life.

But I have never seen some floating hat in a crowd.

It'd be like, oh, my God.

Oh, who is that man?

You know, in those Costco basketball shorts.

Oh, yummy, yummy.

Come to mommy.

Fuck yeah.

I've never...

What I would give to be those buffalo wings melting in his mouth.

You know what I mean?

You guys are gross.

But I want one.

I still want one.

I know.

Yeah.

I'll see you after the show.

I...

But I don't know.

I want to be with a fun guy.

Like, I love to party.

I love music festivals.

I just don't know why there's so many male DJs.

So many.

Because the best DJs in the world...

Not now.

The best DJs in the world...

A woman's talking, sir.

Okay, the best DJs in the world are straight women, right?

Because in real life, on the streets, we're remixing men all the time.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, every time we break up with a man and send him off to his next relationship, you know, we're like, remix!

It's Jason, but with career ambition!

Like...

Like, aw, here we go with Anthony, but he's a better communicator!

Another one.

It's Michael, but with clean towels!

You know what I mean?

See, there's a...

Women always get it.

I don't think the men realize what we did for you.

We fixed you, you know what I mean?

Like, this is how women support women.

We just go around fixing each other's future husbands.

You know?

Under...

Under the table, no commission, you know?

Like, here you go, here's Tyler, he talks to his mom now.

There you go.

Congrats.

There you go.

Here's Brian, he's an active listener.

Congrats on the engagement.

I'm so happy for you.

Okay, thanks for your allyship.

I'm a woman.

Bye!

Thank you!

Thank you!