I'm Dr.Tracey Marks, a psychiatrist,

and I make mental health education videos.

Today's topic is based on a viewer question

and here's the question.

"I know I project a lot with my spouse.

"I attribute this to my very low self-esteem

"which he made worse by body shaming me

"with comments such as, 'She let herself go.'

"As in I gained weight.

"My question is, how do I stop projecting my insecurities

"when he has made direct comments

"about my physical appearance?"

Thank you for this question.

First of all, what is projection?

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism

where you have feelings and emotions

that are unacceptable to you,

and instead of owning it, you attribute it to someone else.

Here's an example.

Let's expand on the viewer's question

I'll call her Tina and I'm making this all up.

Tina has always lived in the shadow of her sister

who was prettier, smarter and more successful.

Tina married her college sweetheart right after college

and immediately became a stay at home wife and then a mom.

Tina feels like her life is always about

soccer games and homework.

So this is the backdrop here.

So she and her husband are watching television,

and her sister is on the news

because she just got promoted to CFO of a tech company.

Tina's husband says, "Wow, your sister is amazing."

Tina feels hurt by the statement and says,

"I bet you regret marrying me.

"I've never been good enough for you."

In fact, Tina is always accusing him of having an affair

with a better woman and each time he's like, "What?"

But even though her husband does feel like

she has let herself go since she had the kids,

he still loves her, but he's sick of her

always accusing him of wanting another woman.

So what's really behind this?

Tina doesn't like herself

and seeing her sister's accomplishments

makes her feel even worse about herself.

Now she recognizes this.

What she doesn't recognize is on a conscious level

is that she regrets getting married

and having children so young.

She loves her kids, but she feels like the stay at home life

has kept her from blossoming into becoming

the best version of herself.

And since her youngest child is nine,

she feels trapped in a prison sentence

of denying her own needs for the next 10 years.

Tina projects this unacceptable thought onto her husband

saying that he's the one who regrets getting married.

And she justifies this conclusion

with his statements about her weight.

No, it's not a great thing to say to her

but it's not about her weight,

it's about her regrets and she projects

her regrets onto him.

Now, these are made up details

and I'm using to explain projection.

Going back to the viewers question,

I don't know what she's projecting,

but the way she asked the question,

it sounds like it may be around negative thoughts

that she has about her herself.

More than likely her weight is just the tip of the iceberg,

and one of many negative concepts

that she has about herself.

So the answer to the question of,

how do I stop projecting when the person is reinforcing

some of my insecurities is,

you have to work through your own negative self-talk.

If you have a strong self-concept

someone's insults are hurtful, but you don't own them.

They just become external attacks that you fend off.

It's only when those insults penetrate your soul

and become part of your thinking

that you start projecting.

Projecting is about what's going on in your head,

not about what people say to you.

And depending on how much negative self-talk you have,

you may need a therapist to help you identify

and process away some of these thoughts.

Once you reach a higher place of self-acceptance,

you won't have the need to project.

And other people's comments just become noise

that you can choose to give your attention or not.

One last point.

Psychological defense mechanisms are unconscious

meaning, there are things that you do beyond your awareness.

Some people will use the term subconscious

but that's really an incorrect term.

Using a psychoanalytical model of the mind,

the mind is split into the conscious thought,

which are things that you're aware of

and unconscious thoughts

which are things that you're not aware of.

I think people use subconscious

because unconscious sounds like you're asleep.

That unconscious is an adjective

that describes being mentally unresponsive.

In this case, unconscious is a noun

that describes a part of the mind.

Psychoanalytic and psychodynamic psychotherapy

seek to make the unconscious

behaviors and motivations that you have conscious.

So that you can change your thoughts and behaviors.

The way we do it that using a psychodynamic approach

is to ask questions about decisions that you made,

reactions that you have, that tell a story

that reveal why you do what you do.

Here's an example,

starting with the problem of emotional eating.

A cognitive behavioral approach may involve

examining your distorted thoughts about your body,

looking at how you feel about food

or implementing mindful eating techniques

to prevent you from overeating.

You're trying to change your behaviors and your thoughts

without looking the root cause

of your thoughts and behaviors.

And there's nothing wrong with not trying

to get a root cause, because with CBT,

Cognitive Behavior Therapy,

the focus is on the here and now

and trying to change behaviors

regardless of the reason for the behaviors.

A psychodynamic approach could be to talk about

what food meant when you were growing up.

Or, find out who in your life made you feel good

about the way you looked.

Through that kind of exploration

we could discover, for example,

that you grew up seeing your father

insult your mother about her weight.

But he adored you because you were skinny and cute.

And it killed you to see your mom in pain

or to see your mom shamed.

So you ate to spite your father.

Now an emotionally mature adult

may be able to admit to themselves

that they hate their parent, but a child can't see this,

or even really feel it that way.

So in this case, overeating, wouldn't be something

that you do intentionally or consciously.

And because it's not conscious,

you don't see the connection

between the anger and resentment, and your eating.

Once you have that insight,

the therapy would focus on helping you

make different decisions about your eating,

because you no longer need to use food

as an emotional weapon against someone.

There are other defense mechanisms

that are born out of the psychoanalytical concepts.

Let me know if you want to hear more about this kind of thing.

In the meantime, check out these other videos

on negative self-talk, and having unconscious motivations

that can keep you stuck in certain behavior patterns.

Thanks for watching, see you next time.