Here's three time Pool itzer Prize nominee,

Perch Perkins.

Tonight's top stories:

Local fish finds himself struggling

to keep his head above water

before remembering he is already underwater.

Then the Krusty Krab is under fire for violating

health laws, safety laws, and the very laws of physics.

His money's no good here.

What are you saying, Mr. Squidward?

Wait.

How is there a glass of water if we're already under water?

Stop breaking the laws of physics.

And finally, a beloved local bubble citizen nearly harmed

after being wrongfully accused of poisoning...

- He poisoned our water supply! - Arson...

- Burned our crop! - And biological warfare.

And delivered a plague onto our houses!

But first, does Goo Lagoon need more bathrooms?

We have a caller on the line with his thoughts

on the subject in a new segment we call

The Potty Report.

Harold, can you hear me?

There's only one bathroom stall on the entire beach,

and I've been waiting in this line for over two hours!

Come on! What's the holdup?!

Wow, that's powerful stuff.

But now, we turn to a death defying story

of one fish who came face to face

with the high tide.

[siren blaring]

Local surf bum Scooter (the fish) was buried alive

at his own request earlier today.

Kids, bury me. [laughing]

While it may have seemed like fun and games at first...

All done.

[slow motion] All done.

when this anonymous bubble failed to dig him up in time.

Don't just stand there, dude.

The tide's coming in. [laughing]

Scooter found himself face to face with the high tide

in an incident that left this poor fish

completely under water.

[laughing]

What's that?

Folks, our fact checking team has just informed me

that fish can indeed survive underwater.

So, yeah, a fish ended up underwater.

Seriously, I- I don't see why this is even news.

Now over to the much less attractive reporter,

Lurch Lurkins for today's weather.

Lurch, how you doing?

What's that, Perch?

I couldn't hear you over your insecurities.

[chuckles]

All right, all you invertebrate invertebrates,

get ready to hibernate because according to local mammals,

winter has come early.

Despite it being Leif Ericson Day,

which we all know falls on October ninth,

the latest barometric readings from resident scientist

Sandy Cheeks' tree dome already show weather patterns

that usually only appear in midwinter.

What's the cause of this fishy forecast?

Nobody knows, but what we do know

is that Sandy's tree dome, is looking

more like a snow globe open for a fintastic ski season.

Uh? Uh?

G- Get it? B-because fish and... fin... uh...

[clearing throat, sniffing]

Back to you, Perch.

Oh, Lurch. Neither attractive nor funny.

Maybe leave the jokes to me. I- Oh.

[clearing throat] Um, I- I swear that's not mine.

Next up, some seriously fishy news

from the Bikini Bottom Health Department.

You might want to start eating at the Chum Bucket

because recent reports suggest

that the Krusty Krab might not be as sanitary

as we once thought.

That's right,

everyone's favorite crab trap shaped eatery

was caught violating numerous health,

and safety laws this morning.

This security footage captured the restaurant's owner himself,

Eugene Krabs, pre-chewing a customer's food

before serving it to her.

Warning: This footage is not for the faint of heart.

If you're easily grossed out, you might want to look away now.

Ugh.

I forgot that I'm easily grossed out.

Krabs was also seen giving himself an amateur tattoo

in the dining area of the restaurant

while somehow fitting himself

into a tiny cash register drawer.

Breaking the laws of physics

and bringing up many health code concerns.

We have an anonymous caller on the line now with his take

on this disgusting mess.

While what Mr. Krabs is doing is no doubt disgusting,

what I think is even more disgusting is

that the cashier Squidward Q. Tentacles;

whom you might remember as the guy voted

most likely to suck eggs in hih school, is apparently serving

bottles of pure shampoo instead of a proper drink.

I mean, what self respecting person

would work at such an uncivilized establishment?

Look at it.

They don't even have chairs at all the tables.

Interesting take.

Thanks, Squill-- I mean anonymous caller.

These accusations with rumors

that the Krusty Krab is harboring

and knowingly dealing with wanted criminals means

you might want to think twice

before taking your business there.

The good news is the Chum Bucket has plenty

of dining options.

And they have a new menu that sources say is

quantifiably less disgusting than the old menu.

So maybe it's time to take your business there.

Sir, your lunch is here.

Yeah. No, no, no. That- that smells awful.

Take it away.

This next story is of the shocking allegations

that were laid at the feet of an innocent,

squeaky clean citizen, Bubble Buddy.

Pop the bubble! Pop the bubble!

What seemed to have started as some sort of sewing circle,

turned quickly into a slippery situation

that provoked an angry mob.

Pop the bubble!

[screaming]

While nobody can confirm the reason

that over 20 beachgoers all happen to be carrying

sewing needles, what is confirmed

is that they quickly turned them on one beachgoer

by the name of Bubble Buddy,

who was apparently ruining their day.

Give us that bubble!

While a few in the crowd did cite minor grievances,

the bubble apparently caused them...

You and that bubble have been nothing but trouble!

It's time to end it!

Perhaps the most shocking allegation can be heard here.

He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops

and delivered a plague onto our houses!

He did?

Those are some serious accusations indeed.

But is there any truth to them?

Our fact checkers have confirmed that since we are underwater,

it is virtually impossible to burn the crops.

The water supply, presumably the entire ocean

has not been poisoned.

And there is no evidence of a plague being delivered

to any houses.

In fact, there's no evidence

of any houses at all in Bikini Bottom.

Everyone seems to live in these muffler thingies

these days.

So if Mister Buddy didn't actually commit

any of these crimes,

then what in the name of Neptune gives

this angry mob the right to drive

an up floating citizen out of town?

After speaking with Bubble Buddy,

he said the whole incident made him feel

While he tried to put on a brave face.

we here at the Bikini Bottom Inquirer,

could see right through him.

I think I speak for all of us here

when I say my heart is broken

at the loss of this wonderful citizen.

We're here for you, Bubble Buddy.

We're here for you.

[whimpering] Don't you cry, Perch.

You swore you wouldn't cry.

[whimpering]

[crying]

Well, it looks like somebody needs Lurch Lurkins,

the more composed reporter to step in and save the day.

Thanks for joining us. I'm Lurch Lurkins,

and this concludes our evening's Bikini Bottom Inquirer.

That's all the news that's fit to float.

Good night.

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