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  • The human brain is not built to deal with more than about 5-9 options after that the brain just spaces out.

  • You choose nobody.

  • Hi I'm Dr.

  • Helen Fisher, I'm a biological anthropologist.

  • I study love and this is love support this person calls herself ruth.

  • Bader Love at first sight is probably right wrong.

  • Love at first sight is extremely easy to explain.

  • This is a brain system.

  • It's like the fear system or the anger system and it can be triggered instantly.

  • You got to be ready for it and we all carry in our head what I call a love map an unconscious and conscious list of what you're looking for in a partner.

  • But the moment comes, you're ready to fall in love.

  • You see somebody from across the crowd room or wherever they fit within your love map.

  • You go over and you speak to them, they smile sweetly at you.

  • They say something that's funny or charming or interesting and boom instantly triggered that brain circuitry for romantic love attachment.

  • That other brain system grows slowly.

  • You have to get to know somebody to begin to feel attachment.

  • But romantic love can be instant.

  • Yes, this is from Celine who created love.

  • This ship is too much to handle.

  • Well love evolved from millions of years.

  • We have formed partnerships, pair bonding or monogamy mono means one and gamma mean spouse.

  • One spouse.

  • That's all it means to scientists.

  • People are also adulterous but they form partnerships, 97% of mammals do not pair up to rear their young people do.

  • It's a hallmark of the human animal.

  • And along with the evolution of pair bonding came the evolution of the human brain systems for the sex drive.

  • Romantic love and feelings of deep attachment.

  • I and my colleagues have put 15 people into a brain scanner who had just been rejected in love and the brain goes that's the wiring just goes crazy.

  • I mean when you're madly in love with somebody and you've been dumped, it's one of the worst experiences.

  • I mean people painful love, they live for love, they kill for love and they die for love.

  • And I do think that it is an addiction because we found activity in a particular brain region.

  • It's called the nucleus accumbens.

  • That particular brain region is active in all of the addictions, all the substance addictions, all the behavioral addictions like gambling and it becomes just as active when you've been rejected in love and when this person says this ship is too much to handle but we all do handle it.

  • The vast majority of us do get over it and I've been able to prove in the brain that time does heal because it is our survival.

  • It's a survival mechanism and evolved millions of years ago and it will be with us millions of years from now.

  • Romantic love is primordial, it's adaptable and it's eternal.

  • So this ship will always be too much to handle.

  • But we'll do it anyway.

  • This person is S.

  • K.

  • Z.

  • Is my universe.

  • How to try and fall in love during a pandemic dating apps aren't really doing it, they're doing it for a lot of people.

  • About 40% of singles in America said that they met their last first date on the internet.

  • They hear the too thick mistakes that they make.

  • Perhaps this person is making them to first mistake, is there the human brain is not built to deal with more than about 5 to 9 options After that the brain just spaces out.

  • You choose nobody.

  • So the first thing that you've got to do is after you've met nine people and that's what this person needs to do.

  • Get off the internet, say get off of it and get to know at least one of these people better.

  • The more you get to know somebody, the better you tend to like.

  • So number one don't binge.

  • Number two.

  • Think of reasons to say yes yes instead of no, we have this big brain region linked with negativity bias were built to remember the negative and when you have just met somebody, you know so little about them that you overweight.

  • Those few things that you know, and so you'll say, oh I don't know, she likes cats.

  • I like dogs.

  • Never gonna work.

  • Get over it.

  • Think of reasons to say yes, I call it positive illusions, the ability to overlook what you don't like about somebody and focus on what you do.

  • This is from somebody called the jinn bunny to.

  • Can you truly be in love and cheat.

  • Alas, you can, you know, these are different brain systems, sex drive and romantic love or different brain systems and you can be madly in love with somebody and also sleep around.

  • As a matter of fact, I do think that the brain is unfortunately built for both.

  • I've looked at adultery in 40 cultures and you see it everywhere in the world, even in places where you could get your head chopped off for it, we seem to have the ability to be madly in love with some person and deeply attached to that person and also sneak around.

  • I call it a dual human reproductive strategy, tremendous drive to fall in love former partnership and have your babies and also to cheat.

  • Next up is from Rodney J.

  • Gavino google search, how does attraction work?

  • Why him?

  • Why her?

  • Why do you fall in love with one person rather than another?

  • There's all kinds of cultural reasons that we tend to fall in love with the time, I mean is right.

  • We tend to fall in love with somebody who's around proximity is important.

  • We tend to fall in love with somebody from the same ethnic and socioeconomic background, somebody of the same level of education and there's four basic brain systems that each one of them is associated with a constellation a suite, a group of personality traits.

  • Dopamine serotonin testosterone and estrogen systems.

  • I created a questionnaire to see to what degree you express the traits in all four of these basic brain systems has now been taken by over 15 million people in 40 countries and I'm able to watch who's naturally drawn to whom.

  • If you're very high on the traits in the dopamine system, risk taking novelty, seeking, curious, creative, you tend to be drawn to people like yourself.

  • If you are very high on the traits of the serotonin system, you tend to be traditional, conventional.

  • Follow the rules, respect, authority, detail oriented rather than theoretical.

  • You're also drawn to people like yourself.

  • So if you're very high testosterone, you tend to be analytical, logical, direct decisive, good at things like math, engineering, computers, music, music is very structural and you're drawn to your opposite high estrogen people and this is man as well as women.

  • Many more women in that category, they tend to see the big picture.

  • They think long term, they're very imaginative, very good at reading, posture, gesture, tone of voice.

  • We all express all four systems.

  • This is what the problem is with most personality question today, they put you in one bucket or another, we express all four brain systems and the traits in each, but we express some more than others.

  • Now there's all kinds of circumstances where people are drawn to their opposite in ways because they had a battle of affair, They've been running around all their lives and now they want something more stable.

  • So they go for the traditional, even if they're very risk taking this human variety.

  • But the bottom line is there's patterns to culture, there's patterns to nature and there's patterns to personality.

  • This is from sad short friend to how does someone know if they're feeling romantic or platonic attraction?

  • There's a little list of traits that are associated with feelings of romantic love and they are not associated with platonic attraction.

  • The first thing that happens when you fall in love is somebody takes on special meaning everything about them becomes special.

  • The car they drive looks different from every other car in the parking lot, the house that they live in the street that they live on, the music that they like when it's a platonic, not everything is special about this human being, you like them.

  • I mean you're attracted to them, you'll find them amusing or funny or interesting, but you don't you don't you're not obsessed with them.

  • But if you have to think about one, just one trait that is most distinctive between the two.

  • When you're madly in love with somebody in the romantic attraction, you are obsessed and in a platonic attraction, you don't think about them night and day, this person is reprogrammed coach is online dating killing romance.

  • It can't kill romance.

  • This is a basic brain system, it evolved millions of years ago, it's like hunger or thirst or anger or fear.

  • You can't kill romance?

  • My next up is from need a better.

  • I wonder what's actually going on through our bodies when we think we're in love, like what chemicals are enhanced.

  • I and my colleagues have put over 100 people into a brain scanner who were madly in love.

  • The first group were people who were happily in love.

  • The second were a group of people who were reject in love.

  • And the third was a group of people who were in love long term.

  • So we put these people in the brain scanner, we had them look at a photograph of their sweetheart and also have a neutral photograph.

  • So we could compare the brain under both circumstances.

  • And we were able to find that everybody who's madly love rejected in love or in love long term begins to have activity.

  • A tiny little factory near the base of the brain called the ventral take mental areas way at the base of the brain and that brain region actually makes dopamine and sends dopa too many brain regions giving you that focus the motivation, the obsession, the craving of intense romantic love.

  • And what's interesting to me is that little factory.

  • The V.

  • Ta lies right next to the factory that orchestrates thirst and hunger, thirst and hunger.

  • Keep you alive today.

  • Romantic love enables you to focus your mating energy on just one individual at a time and start the mating process and send your D.

  • N.

  • A.

  • Into tomorrow.

  • This is from catch my fly.

  • Do you believe in soul mates.

  • If so do you believe you can have more than one?

  • Yes and yes I do believe in soul mates.

  • I do not believe you can have more than one at a time.

  • So now what is a soul mate?

  • I think what this person is means is somebody who, it's a true love.

  • You're not gonna sleep with other people, You're not thinking of going anywhere.

  • You might even consider dying for him or her.

  • It is a very deep genuine attachment, intense feeling of romantic love.

  • And I think that this is summed up best by a poet from the 15th century in India named Kabir.

  • The Lane of love is narrow, there's room for only one and indeed when you're madly in love it's with only one person.

  • I do believe you can have a soul mate.

  • I think that you may have a series of soul mates, but I don't think you can have more than one soul mate at a time.

  • From somebody called dance with voices.

  • Why do people associate love with the heart?

  • Why not?

  • The penis or the sternum.

  • There may be a physiological reason why it has been associated with love.

  • And that is there's a lot of characteristics, a lot of things happen when you fall madly in love and one of them is the heart can really pound when you're really nervous about somebody, I mean when you're madly in love, not only do you feel that ecstasy euphoria, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, obsessive, thinking about the person craving for emotional union, but also all kinds of physiological responses, weak knees, maybe a pounding heart.

  • It really started in the 13 hundreds with Giotto in a painting prior to that there were a lot of uses of the shape of the heart.

  • In fact, as early as 5000 years ago in the Indus Valley, they were drawing things that looked like the shape of a heart.

  • And at that point it was the seed of a form of parsley plant or an ivy leaf.

  • But it became became associated with romantic love probably with the painting by Giotto in 13 09.

  • This is from J at 53 K.

  • one.

  • I lust hard and lose interest quick.

  • How does that work?

  • Well, they're not ready to fall in love.

  • We've evolved three distinctly different brain systems for mating and reproduction.

  • One is the sex drive linked with testosterone in both men and women.

  • The second is romantic love.

  • We've been able to prove this is linked with the dopamine system in both men and women.

  • That's what gives you the focus, the motivation.

  • The obsession and the third brain system is attachment, that sense of calm and security you can feel with a long term partner and this individual, he's in the lust stage, he's not ready to fall in love.

  • You know, you have to be ready to fall in love to actually do it.

  • And he's just experiencing a different brain system.

  • The lust system.

  • This question is from the arctic.

  • It's a very interesting question.

  • Any good data out there on divorce rates for couples that meet via online dating sites.

  • Apparently, if you met somebody online, as opposed to offline, you're less likely to divorce just by a little, but you are less likely to