Name: An Open Talk About My Depression
Uploaded: 2022-07-29T17:45:32.000Z
Duration: 13 min 21 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

Adverbs of degree

So just a heads up before I start this video, for those of

you that are looking for something uplifting and chipper,

May I recommend our cat cafe video or perhaps our visit to the Sailor Moon cafe?

So as some of you already know, I suffer from chronic pain,

but what I haven't told you guys is that I also suffer from chronic depression.

So normally, I don't talk a lot about my illness,

because I like to use humor to cope with it; it's kinda my thing that I like to do.

But lately, I've read a lot of emails and comments from people who are also suffering from chronic pain and

depression. And while it makes me super happy to hear that my videos can motivate and inspire people

I also realized I've never really shared with you how I cope with my depression.

Since you are only able to see videos that I choose to put out,

you only see videos of me being happy and frolicking at like a maid cafe, and

eating wonderful, gourmet sushi, and visiting the Sailor Moon cafe

and I seem like this super happy person. That super happy person is me.

But there are also days that are miserable, and crappy, and I never document them on camera

and share them with you, because I think that they would make you feel just miserable.

But on the other hand, I don't want to paint an inaccurate or unattainable way of living

with chronic pain or depression. So what I want to do today is open up to you guys and talk to you

very honestly about how I handle my depression.

Whaaaat? Depression? How can Martina be depressed?

Look at her hair - it's like a unicorn. Look at my outfit; it's totally made for a five year old,

but I was like I can fit into this, and I'm really happy that I can, because it makes me feel happy

to wear lion-shaped clothing, and I think everyone should have lion-shaped clothing in their life.

So first of all, for those of you that don't know, I was actually born with an incurable, genetic disorder

known as EDS. Essentially, I was born with a defect in my collagen,

and collagen is really important to keeping your entire body together.

Because I have a defect in collagen, my body likes to fall apart. So things dislocate, and fall out of socket.

I'm kind of like a Transformer. Transformers like can, you know, dislocate and turn into cars and trucks and stuff.

But I just like to transform into like a world of pain. There's that humor.

So in my personal situation, my chronic pain basically wrecks havoc both on my body, physically -

so like a dislocated shoulder will actually hurt, but it also creates a problem with the hormones inside my body

that are trying to cope with this pain and the feeling. And this is something that everyone can relate to.

You don't have to have chronic pain to understand what I'm saying. If you've ever had like a

toothache or like if you've broken a bone, you'll notice that, you're not yourself.

You're not exactly the happiest person on the entire planet, and everybody deals with pain differently.

Some people are super cranky, irritable, awful, mean people.

Other people are just withdrawn, like they're not themselves, and they're not talkative. We all

have different ways of dealing with pain. The difference is that if you break your arm or you have a toothache,

eventually, it will be fixed, and you will stop feeling that pain.

But in my case, I can never be fixed. There will be no end to my pain.

There is no cure for EDS, so I will always be in pain.

And my mood, and my mental state will always be affected by this pain. Forever.

This never-ending pain cycle can make it really easy for people with chronic illnesses to become really

mean, nasty, snippy people. And I really - you know, like I can't blame them for this, because

this exhausted body of never-ending pain will lead you to like really dark days of total depression

and utter hopelessness. Like I just can't believe that I'm never gonna be cured.

I can't believe that I'm getting worse. I look in the mirror, and I think, is this really my life?

Is this really - I'm not reading a book or watching a movie? This is actually me who will deal with this forever

and is only gonna get worse. And you just feel utterly despondent and hopeless.

I throw a lot of pity parties for myself. But I'd like to say I think this is the biggest turn out I have ever had for a

pity party, because whatever happy day you were having, I'm pretty sure that's over with now that you've seen

this part of the video. But I brought you guys to this pity party for a reason, because I wanna show you what I do

to help myself on these really, really low days. And the reason I say help is because

there was a time in my life when I gave up, and I let the depression completely wash over me.

And I fell into the darkest possible pit.

And I... I attempted suicide. And it didn't work.

And it was definitely the lowest part of my life.

If I was willing to end it all, if I was willing to just not live anymore, then

I had a stupid thought. Like, why didn't I ever get a tattoo? Why didn't I dye my hair pink?

Why didn't I take that exchange to Japan?

Why didn't I do all these things in my life? And

So then, slowly, I started to do things again.

I did really small things. I started to build

these small things that created like a ladder that helped pull me out of this really low, depressed pit.

And with each accomplishment, and with each goal, and each tiny adventure, I slowly started to add

And I started to see meaning in life again.

And a lot of these things, at first, were really small, simple things, like maybe

going on the internet and learning how to knit. And then the next thing I do is go out

to actually get thread - and that's a big step. And then from there,

I start to join forums and look things up online, and the next thing I know, I'm going to a cafe,

and I'm meeting real people and having conversations with them and, and -

All these little, tiny goals were just taking me out a little bit further away from this total pit of complete hopelessness.

So eventually, I kind of came to my life mantra, which is

I mean if you're willing to end it all, then...

why not do everything you want to do? That makes no sense. You - there's no consequence.

You're gonna end it, so you might as well do everything you wanna do.

So that's kind of worked its way into my life, currently, in my now mind state in life, which is

why am I gonna sit around and feel miserable and be in huge amounts of pain, when I could be

dancing at a live show and watching an amazing DJ?

Yes, the next two days after that, I'm gonna feel more pain than I would have felt if I stayed home.

But I still would have felt pain if I had just stayed at home. I, I still would have been sad,

and I still would've dealt with chronic depression. The difference is that when I'm 90,

I'm not gonna look back and say, "Oh my, that time when I watched Netflix and cried all day,

cuddling my stuffed toy pig was a highlight of my life!"

What I'm gonna say is, "Oh man, remember that show I went to with Simon and Dan in Tokyo?

When we saw that DJ, and I danced like a maniac, and I wore my LED light-up shoes?

And then the next day, I just like couldn't walk?"

But I was able to have this kind of adventure and this memory, and that memory and adventure

adds another rung to my ladder, and that pulls me a little bit further out of that pit

on those days that I'm feeling super depressed. Just last weekend, we flew to Ehime,

which is a part of Japan, and I climbed all these multiple hills, and sat squished in a van for hours.

And all of this wrecked havoc on my knees, and my shoulders, and my bodies, but I got to eat an

orange straight off of a tree, and it was starting to rain, and we were on a mountainside, and I

surrounded by these chefs, and as the rain was falling on my face, and I was eating this orange,

it was the best tasting orange I've ever had in my entire life. It was such an incredible and simple moment

for me to just pull an orange from a tree and eat it, but it was just a magical experience.

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An Open Talk About My Depression

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