Name: Why You Are Lonely and How to Make Friends
Uploaded: 2022-08-17T16:58:43.000Z
Duration: 13 min 2 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

Friends make life good. They provide the  scaffolding that makes it not just bearable  

but fun. They give us a sense of meaning  and purpose and are a source of security,  

self esteem and happiness. Almost nothing predicts  how happy you will be as how connected you feel  

and a lack of social connection is associated  with a number of diseases and a shorter life.

But maybe you have scrolled through your phone,  unsure who to call to go to a movie with,  

to celebrate with or ask for comfort. You  may realize that you don’t have enough  

friends and feel lonely. And it is not just you.  Disconnectedness and loneliness are widespread.

Many people want more close friends  but don’t know how to get them.

Surprisingly nowadays loneliness is highest among  young people – whose relationships were also hit  

especially hard by the global pandemic. Social  distancing stopped teens and young adults from  

mingling in classrooms, clubs or dorms. Millions  of friendships, maybe lifelong friendships,  

that might have blossomed will never exist. With  profound long term consequences for our collective  

happiness. The good news is that it is not too  late and there are lots of friends to be found.

We’ll mix scientific information  with actionable advice in this video,  

but we can’t address every individual situation.  People, cultures and schedules are different.  

If you suffer from chronic loneliness you  can also watch the video we made about it.

As with all important things in life,  making friends is infuriatingly simple but  

not necessarily easy. But it works through  a few pretty straight forward mechanisms.

The Most Important Thing about Making Friends

People make friends with other people  when they spend casual time together.  

This is how our ancestors formed their  relationships, because humans lived in  

small, close knit communities in which  options for making friends were limited,  

so we just formed good relationships  with the people who were around us.

This is why it is so easy to form new friendships  in school and university. Society locks you and  

your peers in a building for several years. You  share similar activities but more importantly:  

Similar schedules. Overlapping  and fluctuating social circles  

form naturally giving you regular facetime and  shared experiences with many different people.  

Time to find others with similar  worldviews or senses of humor.

Proximity can be more important than similar  interests. One study found that in student  

dormitories, the distance between rooms was the  strongest friendship predictor – living closer  

together meant a higher chance of becoming  friends. Another study showed that being  

physically present in a class a lot, without  saying a word, makes others more sympathetic  

to you. So the most important principle of making  friends is to regularly spend time with people in  

the real world. This alone can make it happen  automatically and trumps all other advice.

But don’t forget that making friends  is not a numbers game or a competition,  

don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone  has a social calibrator that can change as  

you go through life. Maybe you were  more introverted as a teen but yearn  

for connection in your twenties. Maybe you  were part of sprawling social circles but  

prefer fewer friends in your thirties. There  is no right or wrong, only right for you.

The main reason for a lack of friendships is  

the trite fact that most people do not  prioritize friendships nearly enough.

They don’t realize until it is too late, that  retaining friendships demands regular energy  

and attention. Although they are so important for  happiness, friends often take a backseat to other  

life decisions. Work, commuting, romance or kids  take up so much time and energy that it is so much  

easier to crash on your couch and lose yourself  in mindless activities. Especially as an adult,  

going for a bike ride, getting dinner or visiting  a hobby store takes much more mental effort and  

commitment than it did after school, when time  ran slower and energy and curiosity were abundant.

But it is not just adults who  are too busy for friends. The  

average American teenager spends  more time on Tik Tok every day,  

than socializing at parties, events  or on the phone with friends combined.

Established friendships don't require the  same time investment as early friendships  

to keep up – but they do require some  commitment. As life distracts you,  

it’s easy to skip out on checking in when a  friend goes through exciting or depressing times.  

And so many friendships fade for  lack of attention, often by accident.

Which is extra tragic because there is never only  

one person losing a friend.  It’s always at least two.

Another thing that makes many people vulnerable  is the way friendship networks are structured.  

The friendship paradox is the phenomenon that  on average, most people have fewer friends than  

their friends. Which makes sense, since you  are more likely to be friends with someone who  

has many friends, than with someone who has few. Rather than being densely interconnected, friend  

networks are often built around central hubs.  So if central people disappear from your life,  

this can deprive you of many connections at once.  And it can lead to a distorted self perception:  

that you are less popular than others,  although you are perfectly average.

It can get worse quickly with big life  events. Maybe you moved for school,  

work or love and are left without  social networks. Or you had a  

break up that left you with the smaller  part of the formerly shared social pie.

The reasons why you find yourself with less  connection than you want are as diverse as people,  

but the underlying cause is almost always: Time.

There is no shortcut. To make new friends  and retain friendships you have to prioritize  

relationships, spend time with people  in real life and make them feel that  

you care. So take a look at yourself and  rebalance what you spend your life doing.

Studies have shown that new friendships can  develop quite quickly, weeks after you meet  

someone. But it takes a few months for a casual  friendship to become a close relationship – with  

the biggest impediment being time invested  and the quality of your interactions.

To make friends it helps if you  intentionally look for people  

you have things in common with and  who are open to new relationships.  

You want to make it easy for yourself, so examine  what kind of person you are. Generally speaking,  

extroverts tend to crave sensory stimulation,  spicier foods, loud music, or the excitement of  

engaging a crowd. Introverts, often confused with  shy people, tend to be more sensitive to sensory  

stimulants and prefer quieter surroundings,  fewer people and even less spicy food.

Different places attract different people.  Not everybody can easily make friends at a  

bar or a football game, not everybody  finds a stroll through a park or book  

store stimulating. Men especially form  friendships around shared activities  

but in general it is a good idea to  go to places that feel comfortable,  

where there are people you might like,  who do things you find interesting.

Look for local clubs or opportunities to  volunteer. Check out what hobby stores are  

around and dust off your Space Marines, or  see if there are new DnD groups in your city  

and ask if you could join one. Check meet  up apps for gaming nights or wine tasting,  

join a sports club or look for people  who go hiking or want to cook together.

Another obvious avenue is your professional life.  

It helps if you work in a job that attracts  people you like, so you might consider this  

when you choose a career. Deepening your  relationship with colleagues can lead to  

great friendships, especially if you look  for peers and there is no power imbalance.

And of course there are friends you’ve lost  touch with. You may be able to revive some  

of these relationships. In some cases all it  needs is a call or an invitation. Research shows  

that more often than not, the other person  will appreciate that you’ve reached out!

There are likely way more opportunities to spend  time with others than you are aware of. And if  

Subtitles ListPlay Video

Why You Are Lonely and How to Make Friends

commitment

opportunity

prioritize

practice