Can I help you?

Are you the doctor?

Doctor? Yes. I.. I am a doctor. Yes.

Would you like to come over and sit down here?

Tell me what your troubles are?

Okay.

Ahh. How can I help you?

So I was playing rugby yesterday.

Rugby?! Right, rough game!

I hit someone pretty hard, and my shoulder came out.

I think it's dislocated.

I hurt my hand.

I can't move it. I think it's broken.

I also twisted my ankle a lot.

Well it's now swollen.

I think it's sprained.

Right. Well your hand may just be fractured.

No, I think... It feels like a full break. Have a look. It's...

Does it hurt?

I had to check.

I might try... an ice cube on it to see if that makes any difference.

If not...

I may need to amputate.

We'll try this out, and uh...

Doesn't actually make a lot of difference.

It's not helping.

Right no, I'm going to have to perform surgery and remove the pain.

Are you even a real doctor?

Yes of course I am.

I've got a piece of doctor paper here.

Do you mean a degree?

Well...

Whatever it is.

See what I mean? So all above board and official.

So surgery's my only option?

Yeah. Amputation.

Remove from the wrist the hand.

Yes. It won't hurt, don't worry.

I'll use erm...

Plenty of... uh...

uhh...

Ohhh...

Anaes...

Anastai- ...Anastasia?

Anaesthetic?!

Anaesthetic! Yes!

Plenty of anaesthetic. So you won't feel much, at all really.

Okay.

Yeah?

Okay so if you'd like to wait outside in the waiting room.

Okay fine.

Okay?

Thanks, doctor.

You're most welcome.

I'll see you in a bit, okay?

Okay, so, what's troubling you?

Well all week I've been pooing quite a bit.

About every five minutes I poo.

Alright.

It comes out like coffee.

I've had awful diarrhoea.

That is really gross!

Did you have to tell me that?!

Well... You are a doctor, aren't you?

I AM a doctor, yes. But...

I mean that's disgusting! I didn't need to know that!

It actually could be food poisoning.

Have you been eating anything unusual recently?

Yes.

I've been licking...

a lot of things, like toilet handles.

Toilet seats.

Toilet seats?

For any particular reason?

Because I read that keyboards have more bacteria on them.

Than toilet seats?

That's correct.

Wait outside, would you, in the reception area.

I'll deal with you later.

Thanks, doctor.

Yes.

Right.

So...

Jesus.

Everything alright?

No.

The last week I've been quite ill.

I've had... I think it's a cold

My head hurts a lot. I have a headache.

My throat hurts, awfully. So I have a sore throat.

Glands are quite swollen.

Right.

So you have a bit of a sore throat, do you?

Yes, yes it's rather painful

Let's have a look at your tongue

There's only one solution to this...

Antibiotics?

No

Gonna have to amputate

Oh

So would you wait out in reception area?

The receptionist will book you in, okay?

So...

Comfortable?

No

I thought it'd be pretty obvious. I've got a... I've been shot.

Shot, ay?!

Someone shot me

Well you can see the wound is quite big

Yes, it is a bit

Well that's a shame

I'm bleeding a lot!

Are you?

Right, well

Right well we're gonna have to-

That could very easily get infected

See?

I've just infected it

Look! Pus

It's infected

Alright, so what do we do?

Well you're gonna have to wait outside in the reception area

I'll see if I can...

...make arrangements...

...for you

Okay

Thank you, doctor

Bloody weirdos I've had in today!