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  • You wanna do mono first?

  • Sure. Yeah.

  • Get ready to say everything we ever said

  • at the monologue meetings.

  • Cancel time.

  • "Behind the Nonsense," take two.

  • (funky music)

  • Yesterday was daylight savings time

  • when... (audience cheering)

  • Yeah.

  • Daylight savings time when we lose an hour

  • for no apparent reason.

  • (audience laughing) Yeah.

  • By the way, losing an hour for no apparent reason

  • is also the motto for this show.

  • (audience laughing) We've always...

  • (audience cheering) That is...

  • Hey, Conan O'Brien here, Andy Richter

  • for another edition of "Behind the Nonsense"

  • where we look behind the scenes.

  • Today, we're gonna focus a little bit

  • on the monologue process.

  • Specifically, the meetings that we would have

  • just before the show would tape,

  • figure out which jokes to do,

  • and often it was a very chaotic

  • and hilarious mess, that meeting.

  • Joining me, Laurie Kilmartin, hilarious comedy writer,

  • Brian Kiley, occasionally, no, always hilarious.

  • You know, you're no Kilmartin, but you're good.

  • I don't know what to say,

  • but we get into this very small room

  • and this went on for years and years and years.

  • And it's your dressing room.

  • My dressing room.

  • So it's your space. It's my space.

  • We're getting ready.

  • The audience is just on the other side of the wall

  • sometimes loading in, sometimes the band is playing,

  • we're getting very close to showtime

  • and time is of the essence

  • and we're looking through a big stack of jokes

  • and then absolute inappropriate foolishness would erupt.

  • Well, you describe it,

  • Laurie. Yes.

  • I think, it's so interesting that to get to the place

  • where you can tell these really clean jokes on television,

  • you have to go to a place

  • where you're just saying unrepeatable things

  • in the green room, just to get yourself there.

  • You've just identified what it is.

  • Laurie and Brian

  • are both very good, excellent standup comedians.

  • You guys understand something about this performing process.

  • I'm pretty stressed out.

  • I have a ten-year-old son and already at age 10,

  • we've had multiple discussions on masturbation etiquette.

  • (audience laughing) At 10 years old.

  • I was like, "Please do not knock on mom's door

  • when she's masturbating. (audience cheering)

  • There is something about needing to stretch it

  • all the way out here to then pull it back to here.

  • So the jokes would be, you know,

  • jokes that you can tell on television

  • about the president or a celebrity

  • or what happened in the news today.

  • You would push me, I would push you,

  • we would stretch it way out and be doing entire riffs that-

  • Talk about canceled. (Laurie laughing)

  • The whole point was that you were going to be really clean

  • in about five minutes.

  • And that's what was so hilarious.

  • But it's also too, I always look at it as like,

  • we ran an opium den for tourists

  • and we could only get off on the really hard stuff.

  • Go ahead and have this weak sauce, but for us,

  • (imitates squirting)

  • I gotta put poison right in my veins before I feel anything.

  • I remember one of the first meetings out here,

  • Andy was late and you guys got in a fake yelling argument

  • of, "Where were you?"

  • "I was around the corner."

  • "Around the corner fudge is made."

  • And it became this whole thing

  • about what was that rhyme and we had to Google.

  • But 20 minutes of this- We had to Google it.

  • And then it's like two minutes to do the jokes

  • because we were discussing

  • "Milk, Milk, Lemonade" And again, you know,

  • band playing, every second is precious,

  • we're supposed to get out there and do this show,

  • but we would get started-

  • On "Milk, Milk, Lemonade." Yeah, milk, milk, lemonade,

  • around the corner.

  • And Brian, you go back

  • to '93 or early '94? Early '94, yeah.

  • Okay, so you're really pretty much a lifer.

  • You came on the show and you didn't really know

  • what to expect.

  • And you thought, "Well, Conan's probably this erudite."

  • Like, all you knew is that, "Oh, he went to a good college."

  • Absolutely.

  • It's like, "Oh, he's this Harvard whatever."

  • And then it was like, "Oh my God.

  • This is total insanity." But then we had a meeting

  • where we were talking about jokes

  • and I said one thing but then I pretended...

  • You had a candle there for some reason,

  • and you lit the candle, and then you had a bottle of scotch

  • and you pretended to knock the candle over in the scotch

  • and then you pretended to catch on fire.

  • And then you're going out the window and somehow,

  • the curtain wrapped around your neck.

  • It was like this long- And then I hung myself

  • as I burned and I acted it all out.

  • And Brian's sitting there,

  • this has nothing to do with the show.

  • And then you got a very different idea of-

  • It was like my first day and I'm like, "Okay,

  • this is not what I was expecting.

  • This is not gonna be Dick Cavett.

  • (Laurie and Andy laughing)

  • And I remember also, one of my first days,

  • we were trying to decide between this joke or that joke.

  • And you stopped somebody in the hallway said,

  • "What do you think of this joke on a scale of one to 10,

  • 10 being the funniest, two not being funny,

  • three being funny again," and then you just went

  • all the way through it. I made it super complicated.

  • It was an intern.

  • The intern was like, "Wait, what's four?"

  • "No! There is no four!

  • There's three and then five!

  • Five is great but four is off limits and three is no good."

  • And what I love too, is that at the beginning of that,

  • you really wanted an answer, but then you discovered like,

  • "Oh no, there's this other thing that I want much more,"

  • which is to fuck with this kid.

  • I want to really have a good time.

  • Your laugh is so fantastic and-

  • Fantastic. Yeah.

  • The Kilmartin cackle, we'd call it.

  • But we would be inappropriate

  • and then you would like push us much farther sometimes.

  • I remember that very clearly. Yes, for sure.

  • We were always grateful when, someone was saying earlier,

  • Gavin Polone would stop in,

  • because he also had a great laugh,

  • such as we knew the mono wasn't like our best effort.

  • And it's like, "Please, God, let Gavin be there today

  • and save some of the jokes." Gavin's my manager

  • and he would come by always wearing a track suit,

  • a full track suit, head to toe.

  • Matching, yeah. Matching track suit,

  • but he's got a really good sense of humor and he'd sit there

  • and he would laugh really hard

  • and the rest of us get so jaded,

  • like there's not a lot of laughter in that room.

  • And then Gavin would come in

  • and then he would usually try and think

  • of some money-making scheme.

  • He would say, you know, "You can take that joke

  • and you can try and make it a sitcom

  • and then I could produce it."

  • And we're like, "Shut up!"

  • After a while working on our show like this,

  • there is a lot of like,

  • "Oh yeah, that's really funny," you know?

  • You don't laugh at things, but you're like,

  • "Oh yeah, yeah. That's really funny."

  • Gavin and Sona often save jokes.

  • Well, Sona, my assistant, God love her,

  • she was a good laugher but she really liked jokes

  • that had weed in them.

  • Dick jokes.

  • Dick jokes. Yeah, she liked dick jokes.

  • And she'd be like, "Ha!"

  • And I'd be like, "No, I'm not gonna..."

  • And you guys would say like, "See,

  • it's worth doing it. (all laughing)

  • See, the guy had too much weed and then his dick got big."

  • I'm like, "That's not a joke."

  • And she'd be like, "Ha, ha, ha! Weed and dick!"

  • And then of course, my manager would be like,

  • "You know, actually what we could do

  • is you can market something- (Laurie laughing)

  • We could market something

  • that makes your penis larger using marijuana."

  • Our jokes could never compete with the riffs.

  • That was a problem. In the room,

  • the foolishness in the room You'd do blue Kiley

  • or something and kill, and then we'd go to the jokes

  • and I was like... I would spend 20 minutes

  • doing an impression of Brian Kiley.

  • We always called my grandfather Poppy

  • 'cause of his opium addiction.

  • (audience laughing)

  • I can impersonate Brian Kiley

  • doing his jokes in his mannerisms and it's very...

  • I would do this routine where it's Kiley in a club

  • going incredibly blue, filthy blue,

  • I can't even say it right here,

  • but just imagine- The dirtiest thing

  • you've ever heard. The dirtiest thing

  • that Red Fox ever said times 10

  • and it's Kiley doing that and killing

  • and then riding home in his tiny, little, conservative car

  • and then reading a Truman biography in his bed

  • and then getting called to go back to the club.

  • "So I'm, uh, I'm with my old lady and I told her

  • 'You've gotta, you've gotta wash that ass.

  • (all laughing) You gotta wash the ass.

  • If I'm going to go down there and, uh, you know,

  • service you in that area,

  • you need to clean that fucking ass, you see.'"

  • I dunno why, that stuff would just...

  • We would do it, we'd be crying, and then I was like,

  • "All right, let's go do this TV show."

  • There's a new trend where people watch television

  • that they despise and it's called hate watching.

  • (audience laughing) Hate watching. Yeah.

  • Speaking of hate watching,

  • hi mom. (audience laughing)

  • (funky music)

  • All right.

  • Well, you get an idea of what we were talking about.

  • I never want to see either of you again.

  • (Laurie and Brian laugh)

You wanna do mono first?

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Behind the Nonsense: Monologues | Team Coco

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    林宜悉 posted on 2022/03/22
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