Subtitles section Play video
-
Over the past 11 years,
-
I'd often grab a camera crew
-
and hang out with my wonderful staff,
-
including my trusted assistant Sona Movsesian.
-
(audience cheering)
-
Here are some highlights!
-
You got my lunch today?
-
Yeah.
-
I didn't eat lunch today.
-
Oh. (audience chuckles)
-
Evan
-
Mm-hmm.
-
Was told today to go get Conan's lunch.
-
Absolutely, I did that.
-
But Conan didn't eat lunch.
-
Conan didn't even order lunch.
-
I spoke with Sona.
-
Sona! (audience laughs)
-
Sometimes, in order to get things done quickly
-
for me, I might use your name to like light a fire under-
-
What else are you doing
-
for yourself where you use my name?
-
(Sona laughing)
-
Let it go. (laughing) (audience laughs)
-
She just walked away!
-
Did you send this email out to the entire staff?
-
"I know this is a complete abuse of
-
'Hey everybody,' but if you stole my Gigolos mug,
-
I'm going to find you and destroy you."
-
Did you send that?
-
Uh, yes I did.
-
First of all, what's a Gigolos mug?
-
[Sona] Gigolos is a show on Showtime
-
and it says Gigolos on one side
-
and on the other it says, "Working stiff."
-
(audience laughs)
-
Is "working stiff" like a joke?
-
Yes. (audience laughs)
-
I think so. What's the joke?
-
I think stiff like,
-
like a,
-
like it's a stiff.
-
Like a penis is stiff. (audience laughs)
-
All right, stop. I'm sorry.
-
Is it possible, you had a little drinky winky
-
and maybe misplaced it?
-
I had a drinky like this morning? I had a drinky winky?
-
Do you ever drink at work?
-
(audience laughs)
-
(she sighs) (audience laughs)
-
Okay, let's leave that alone. Let's just leave it alone.
-
If you have any theories about what happened to the mug.
-
People just take shit all the time!
-
(audience laughs)
-
What do you mean people steal stuff?
-
You've had stuff stolen?
-
I made a mark to prove if someone was stealing my booze.
-
What kind of office is this? (audience laughs)
-
Do you keep alcohol in your desk?
-
No, I should though, probably.
-
No. Why should you?
-
It'd make the day more fun.
-
(audience laughs)
-
Okay.
-
Did you take her alcohol, man?
-
Oh, because I'm Irish.
-
Yeah.
-
(audience laughs)
-
Incredible.
-
No, I didn't take her alcohol.
-
I'm not a big drinker.
-
(gulping) (audience laughs)
-
This is a crossword puzzle. Yes.
-
And it was sitting on your desk.
-
So you were doing a crossword puzzle on your desk?
-
Don't. You can't lie in front of the camera.
-
You can't lie.
-
Then yes, I was.
-
(audience laughs)
-
Okay, what are you stuck on?
-
If I say it and then, you know,
-
this ends up on the thing,
-
then people are gonna think I'm stupid for not knowing it.
-
So I just don't want to say it.
-
Okay, a three letter word for vehicle
-
that starts with C is car. (audience laughs)
-
(stamp thuds)
-
Billy, can you ask Sona
-
to bring me a half-caff vanilla latte with skim milk?
-
(band plays upbeat music) (audience cheers)
-
Wait a minute, Sona, this is tea.
-
Just drink it, pussy.
-
(audience laughs)
-
[Conan] Why is this thing open?
-
[Sona] It doesn't close.
-
I can fix this if you want?
-
What? Can you- (plastic crunches)
-
Oh my god! (audience cheers)
-
Conan!
-
[Conan] How about a Hummer?
-
Wanna get a Hummer?
-
[Sona] It needs so much gas.
-
They make a model that only runs on rainforest wood.
-
(audience laughs)
-
That's not true.
-
Okay, good improv partner.
-
(as Sona) "That's not true, that's not true.
-
"No, it's not." (audience laughs)
-
More, with Conan and Sona's improv, when we come back.
-
Well, I'm in a candy shop.
-
(as Sona) "No, you're not."
-
(audience laughs)
-
Imagine we're at the office Okay.
-
And you're wearing that
-
and there's like a call
-
"Steven Spielberg on line one."
-
Steven Spielberg wouldn't call you.
-
(audience laughs)
-
(heroic music)
-
(audience cheers)
-
[Sona] I mean, he just won't have that much drama.
-
(sheep bells clanging)
-
[Conan] Sona, your natural speaking voice
-
is driving them that way.
-
(audience laughs)
-
I think Sona would be easy to find a match for.
-
Good job in America.
-
Well.
-
Good job. (audience laughs)
-
My boss is kind of a dick. (audience laughs)
-
That's not nice.
-
I had something delivered to your house
-
that it felt high time to recognize someone
-
who's doing a killer job.
-
(audience laughs)
-
Wait a minute, I won?
-
I got Employee of the Month!
-
If you're just tuning in Kumail Nanjiani
-
not able to make it tonight. Yeah.
-
And at what point did you realize
-
you were going to be the guest on the show tonight
-
and not Kumail Nanjiani?
-
I think right when I was walking in,
-
like when you called my name, I was like,
-
"Oh shit. They really ran out of stuff to do."
-
(audience laughs and applauds)
-
You're looking for a house right now.
-
Yeah. Can I put you on the spot?
-
Can you buy me a house?
-
Uh. (audience cheers)
-
Buy me a house, buy me a house, buy me a house!
-
(audience continues chanting and cheering)
-
So, tell me what's going on with you guys.
-
I think that there is a mental block
-
I have about helping him.
-
She has a mental block against helping me.
-
She's my assistant! (audience laughs)
-
Let's understand why.
-
I think some positive reinforcement would be nice.
-
And also it'd be great if he stopped
-
being so passive aggressive all the time.
-
(in a voice) I'm not passive aggressive.
-
(audience laughs)
-
These are slanders.
-
He goes into character
-
when he doesn't want to address reality sometimes.
-
(in an accent) This is not true!
-
(audience laughs)
-
I disagree!
-
He does too many bits.
-
Do you see the bits? This never stops.
-
It never
-
The bits are never ending.
-
Like if we're out at a store or something,
-
running an errand, he'll tell the workers,
-
"You better watch out for her cause she steals."
-
(audience laughs)
-
But do you understand how that might make her feel?
-
Like a criminal? Yeah, exactly.
-
(audience laughs)
-
I mean, I used to steal. (audience laughs)
-
[Therapist] Oh, okay.
-
You used to steal!
-
I was totally kidding around.
-
So this is a breakthrough.
-
I stole Skittles from Blockbuster.
-
I stole a stick of gum once from the market.
-
I stole a bracelet from Express.
-
I stole another bracelet from Express
-
and someone told me to return it.
-
I stole a headband from Urban Outfitters once.
-
I stole a hat.
-
Okay.
-
This list doesn't end!
-
So there's some validity here.
-
This is a crime spree that Hillside Strangler would envy.
-
(audience laughs)
-
This works for us.
-
It's sick. It's wrong.
-
Very little is accomplished.
-
[Sona] Very, very little.
-
It's insanity and it should be stopped.
-
It's your job to stop it.
-
Would you like me to fire you?
-
I think we should both be fired.
-
Well, this is great.
-
Are you happy now? You did this.
-
I didn't do it, you did it.
-
I'm gonna get a job at a Burger King
-
and you're going to be my assistant.
-
(audience laughs and cheers)
-
I'd crush it at Burger King.
-
(clapping)
-
Hey, a
-
quick personal note.
-
I think Sona is due to deliver twins in like a week.
-
(audience cheers)
-
We're very excited for her and we love her to death.
-
And you know, what's amazing about Sona,
-
just again, on a personal note, she is always herself.
-
You know, most people,
-
you put a camera on them and they change.
-
They add a little something.
-
Sona, you could put her in Yeah, that's Sona.
-
Radio City Music Hall,
-
and you could bring her out there in front of thousands
-
of people and have it be the most watched television event.
-
And she'd be like, "What's up? What the fuck's going on?"
-
You know? (audience laughs)
-
And she'd be charming and hilarious.
-
She really... I've never met anybody like that before.