I mean, things have just gone so well for you.

It's exciting.

Yeah.

These tours you're doing are so popular.

The latest one, the tour is called 50.

Yes, sir.

You, you are a 50.

Are you, you feeling different right now? Is it...

Yeah, no.

Is 50 a weird time for you?

No. I turned 50 and I just decided

to call the tour that. I'm kind of going the opposite

of all the people who do like the Botox and the hair plugs

and try to look 22 for the rest of their life.

Right.

You know, when they really just, you know, they,

they don't look good.

Yeah.

You know.

You're saying why, don't fake it, just embrace it.

They make your eyes water when you look at them,

and my wife's always watching,

like those Real Housewives and stuff

and they just look exhausted.

They're like in their, you know what it

always reminds me of,

remember when Brett Favre played on the Vikings?

Yeah.

(Conan laughing)

And it was just like, just retire, dude.

You're in the hall of fame.

Yeah, yeah.

It's over.

And those women it's like, yeah, you had your time.

You were beautiful. And it's over.

(audience laughs and boos)

People groan. You don't remember when you were a kid,

you went to the club

and there was that older person hanging out, that creep.

(audience laughing)

Yeah. That's what you're doing.

That's what you're doing.

50 is not the new 40, it's 50. I am 50.

(Conan laughing)

All right.

I have to go see doctors.

Yeah.

(audience cheering)

I have to have blood taken.

So I feel, I feel young physically, but mentally,

like when I watch TV, it makes me feel old.

What makes you feel old about watching TV?

This well, music.

There's no guitar solos anymore.

And then for some reason,

with all this technology, millennials,

if you take a full water bottle

and you flip it in the air and it lands upright,

they run out of the room like they just saw a witch.

(Conan and audience laughing)

Everybody's like, ah, they just take off.

It's like, really?

You have virtual reality glasses on,

you're playing all these video games,

and all somebody has to do.

I mean, that's like a game like Tom Sawyer

would have played.

(Conan and audience laughing)

So it's stuff like that.

Uh-huh.

That I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not ridiculing it.

It's just like, wow, I can't relate to this.

You can't relate to it.

Yeah.

You know, your show F is for family.

I relate to it because it's about parenting

in the seventies and that's, you know,

that was when I was parented, like you.

What do you think of parents now?

How do you compare them to parents in the seventies?

Oh. It's just completely, the kids have so much power.

It's like ridiculous. Like half of these kids,

I'm like, I look and I just have what happened to me.

And I'm like looking at a kid and be like,

this kid's about ready to get punted

across the grocery store.

(audience laughing)

And it just never happens.

(audience laughing)

Right.

They just, they just don't get hit.

And I think it's hurting this country.

You're mad, wait a minute,

(Bill chuckles)

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

No, like...

(audience laughing)

You're mad that children are, are not being hit.

There should be the threat of it.

Half of it was just that, look,

it was just, your dad was acting like he was gonna do it.

He never did it, but your mother did, and because,

(audience laughing)

because she was a woman. It was like, okay.

'Cause he's like, hey, you let a girl beat you up.

You kind of felt emasculated.

Yeah.

(audience laughing)

We had a rule at like, I actually,

a lot of the stuff that I look at

from when I was a kid that actually kind of made sense

in a way is now it would now be considered like abuse,

I guess. Like when I was a kid,

if you didn't finish your supper, as we called it...

Supper.

Yeah. My mother was just like,

well, you're going to finish.

She would just wrap it in cellophane.

And you just picked up where you left off for breakfast,

like, like a blue collar job.

Like you take the shovel out of the hole

and just start digging it again.

So yeah. I remember one night we had cube steaks,

which is like one of the toughest pieces of meat.

I don't know if you guys,

Everything's so like Asian infused, Wagyu beef.

Everybody's eating that crap now.

But cube steak was like,

they had literally had to hit it

with a hammer to make it like edible.

And so we having cube steaks.

And I forget, my little brother was still

in a high chair and he couldn't finish his.

So my mother goes,

"All right, well you're just going

to have eat it for breakfast."

And that was like eight hours away,

which was like half his life.

(Conan and audience laughing)

So he was like, "All right. I'll take that deal."

So, the next morning, I remember we were having waffles.

My mother always made Sunday breakfast.

So we had all these waffles, eggs, bacon, this whole layout.

My brother was looking at half eaten, cube steaks,

and a little mound of green bean casserole.

And he goes, so he looked at my mom.

He goes, "Mom, can I have a waffle?"

And she goes, "No, you got to finish your supper."

And he's like, "Well, after I finished my WAF, a supper,

then can I have a waffle?"

She goes, "No, that is your breakfast."

And he goes, "Oh mom, I hate you."

And my dad without looking up,

took a full glass of milk and threw it in his face.

(Conan and audience laughing)

Swear to God.

This is what kills me. We're killing...

You want everyone today

to have as miserable childhood as you had.

(audience laughs)

No, but it was kind of funny.

I just, you know what was hilarious,

was that my mother just popped up

and just immediately started cleaning up.

And my dad just kept eating.

(Conan and audience laughing)

Like he didn't, like the roles were defined back then.

Now, the guy has to throw the milk.

He has to clean it up,

while telling his wife she's brave

for just sitting there,

(audience laughs and boos)

like whatever it is,

You hear it?

Oh, oh,

(audience laughing)

Women are so overrated. Right.

We went from...

Wait, wait, what? Wait, wait, what?

What? Wait. Wait. What?

We went from not listening to them. To now, it's just,

it's just, you know, it's just, it's ridiculous.

Like that, believe women, it's like all of them?

(audience laughing)

How bout. How bout 85%? I'll give you an 87%.

(audience laughing)

But that last 13% that keys your car,

lights your shit on fire.

And puts a family pet and up in a pot of stew.

(audience laughing)

Who put a pet in a pot of stew?

(audience laughing)

Glenn Close.

Yeah.

Glen Close Yeah!

Yeah. Okay. All right. I think.

It was a separately boiled.

You know what I miss?

I miss tougher parenting and evidence.

Those are the things that I missed from my childhood.

(audience laughing)

Evidence.

Yeah.

You mean...

Due process...

Right.

Somebody says something happened

and then someone else goes,

Well, I said it happened this way,

like the old Gumshoe shows, then they had to figure it out.

Right.

Yeah. That doesn't exist now on social media.

Right.

It's just like, it's just frontier justice.

Right.

You feel how nervous everybody just got in here

at the fact that I just suggested

that there should be due process.

(audience laughing)

This guy is talking crazy, man.

(audience laughing)

He just joined ISIS.

Yeah. This is, this is what this.

No, what I'm saying...

(audience hollering)

And then the woos that they agreed, but they were,

they didn't agree when it counted.

We can add, We'll digitally add woos. Don't worry.

We have the woo machine.

You are way too angry.

50 is still relatively young.

I'm not angry.

You have the anger of, of a 110 year old man.

(audience laughing)

Oh, these telephones (indistinct).

I can't argue.

You can't argue.

I can't argue that.

You know, in the last segment, you're, you know, you're,

there's a lot, you get worked up about, you know,

you've always been that way. I've known you a long time.

You get worked up about stuff. You get happy.

When he was four, he was like,

things were better when I was three.

(audience laughs)

The world's shit now. Ah, the heydays of my two's.

(Conan and Bill laughing)

Guilty as charged.

Yeah. So here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Are you, now that you're playing in Madison Square Garden,

you've got all these fans.

You're extremely successful comedian.

Are you able to enjoy your success now?

Are you able to just have some fun...

Yes.

with the fact that you're a success?

Yes. Yes. I enjoy it, but I still, you know,

the bane of my existence is I let little things bother me.

Downloading new operating systems will just, you know,

I bring a lot of tension into the house,

according to my wife.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One thing I've noticed where we're always working on me,

you know, like my wife has, evidently some completed work,

like under museum glass.

And I'm like that building that has scaffolding around it.