LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, IT'S BEEN WHAT, IT'S BEEN

48 HOURS, LET'S SAY, AND AMERICA IS STILL REELING FROM

MONDAY'S LEAKED SUPREME COURT DECISION OVERTURNING "ROE V.

WADE."

IT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

BECAUSE WITH INFLATION, THE PANDEMIC, RISING FASCISM,

UKRAINE, THIS WASN'T EXACTLY AN ISSUE ON THE FRONT BURNER.

IN FACT, BACK IN 2021, A GALLUP POLL ASKED WHAT PEOPLE THOUGHT

THE MOST IMPORTANT PROBLEM FACING THE U.S. WAS, AND FEWER

THAN HALF OF 1% ANSWERED ABORTION.

BY MARCH OF 2022, THAT NUMBER WAS ZERO.

CLEARLY, AFTER 50 T TURBULENT YEARS, "ROE" WAS FINALLY NO

LONGER A FIVE-ALARM FIRE.

BUT THE CONSERVATIVE MAJORITY DECIDED TO FOLLOW THEIR STANDARD

PROTOCOL: IN CASE OF NO EMERGENCY, BURN, BABY, BURN.

IF PEOPLE DIDN'T CONSIDER THIS A PRESSING ISSUE BEFORE, THEY SURE

DO NOW.

LAST NIGHT, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE SHOWED UP TO PROTESTS IN

WASHINGTON D.C.; NEW YORK CITY; AUSTIN, TEXAS; AND LOS ANGELES.

CALIFORNIA.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE.

THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE.

USUALLY, YOU ONLY GET CROWDS LIKE THAT WHEN DELTA ANNOUNCES

THEY'VE BEGUN PRE-BOARDING.

( LAUGHTER ) "I REFUSE TO STAY SEATED UNTIL

YOU CALL MY ZONE!

OF COURSE. AFTER YEARS OF PACKING THE SUPREME COURT WITH

THE EXPRESS INTENTION OF OVERTURNING "ROE V.

WADE," REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS TOOK A VICTORY LAP.

JIMMY, SHOW THEIR CELEBRATION: OH, RIGHT.

I FORGOT.

THEY'RE COWARDS.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT'S REALLY UNPOPULAR.

SO THEY DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THE ACTUAL DECISION.

INSTEAD, REPUBLICANS FOCUSED ON THE UNPRECEDENTED NATURE OF THE

LEAK ITSELF.

LOOK, I CAN UNDERSTAND THE ARGUMENT THAT THIS LEAK IS BAD

FOR THE INSTITUTION OF THE SUPREME COURT.

BUT COME ON, DID YOU THINK WAITING TO RELEASE IT THIS

SUMMER WAS GOING TO MAKE IT A HOT BEACH READ: YOUR BODY, HIS

CHOICE.

( LAUGHTER ) THE TOP REPUBLICAN DRIVING THE

OUTRAGING ABOUT THE LEAK IS SENATE MINORITY LEADER AND LEAD

SINGER FOR "HOOTIE AND THE BLOBFISH,"

THERE YOU GO.

I THOUGHT IT WAS DARIUS.

NO?

MITCH McCONNELL.

YESTERDAY, A REPORTER GAVE McCONNELL THE OBVIOUS CREDIT FOR

THE DECISION, BUT HE WAS STRANGELY HUMBLE ABOUT IT:

>> YOU SPENT DECADES TRYING TO REMAKE THE COURT, OVERTURN

"ROE."

YOU'RE POSSIBLY SINGLEHANDEDLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE 6-3

MAJORITY.

SO DO YOU TAKE PERSONAL CREDIT FOR ABORTION RIGHTS LIKELY TO GO

AWAY FOR MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY?

>> YOU KNOW, I THINK THE STORY TODAY IS AN EFFORT BY SOMEONE ON

THE INSIDE TO DISCREDIT THE INSTITUTION OF THE SENATE.

>> Stephen: COME ON!

YOUR INGENIOUS PLOT WORKED.

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE?

IT'S LIKE A BOND VILLAIN SAYING, "YES, I DID LAUNCH A SPACE-BASED

LASER FROM MY VOLCANIC FORTRESS, BUT GIVING ME CREDIT FOR

INCINERATING LONDON IS JUST AN EFFORT TO DISCREDIT MY FLUFFY,

WHITE CAT."

4R5U6 LAUGH "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SNUGGLES."

( LAUGHTER ) STAY!

STAY!

( APPLAUSE ) VERY OBEDIENT CAT.

VERY OBEDIENT.

( APPLAUSE ) HE MITCHED ON:

>> ALL OF THIS PUTS THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

YOU NEED, IT SEEMS TO ME-- EXCUSE THE LECTURE-- TO

CONCENTRATE ON WHAT THE NEWS IS TODAY, NOT A LEAKED DRAFT, BUT

THE FACT THAT THE DRAFT WAS LEAKED.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT THE HUH?

MITCH, IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN THE OLD SQUIRREL CAGE?

YOU BEEN SNACKIN' ON PAINT CHIPS?

BECAUSE YOU'RE IGNORING THE IMPORTANT PART.

YOU'RE LIKE A HUSBAND GETTING A RANSOM NOTE:

"OH, MY GOD!

LOOK AT ALL THE LETTERS THEY CUT OUT OF A MAGAZINE.

THEY'VE RUINED MY COLLECTION OF "NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICS"!

MARGARET, MARGARET, COME AND SEE THIS!

OH, MARGARET'S MISSING."

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT THE NOTE SAYS, SHE'S MISSING.

>> Stephen: AND VERY EXPENSIVE.

McCONNELL IS NOT ALONE.

THERE WAS ALSO OUTCRY FROM SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR AND NEWEST

MEMBER OF "HOOTIE AND THE BLOBFISH," LINDSEY GRAHAM.

GRAHAM CHIMED IN WITH THIS: >> WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COURT

TODAY WAS THE SADDEST CHAPTER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES

SUPREME COURT.

>> Stephen: "THE SADDEST CHAPTER"?

SO, SENATOR GRAHAM IS COOL WITH THE "DRED SCOTT" DECISION THAT

SAID BLACK PEOPLE ARE PROPERTY, "PLESSY V. FERGUSON" THAT

ESTABLISHED JIM CROW SEGREGATION, AND "BUCK V.

BELL," WHICH SAID IT WAS OKAY TO STERILIZE THE MENTALLY ILL.

I'M GUESSING, TO LINDSAY GRAHAM, THE SADDEST PART OF A FUNERAL IS

WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF LEMON BARS.

AS USUAL, FOX NEWS WAS COMMITTED TO NOT REPORTING THE NEWS AND

INSTEAD REPORTING SPIN THE LEAKED DRAFT INTO A WIN FOR

DEMOCRATS.

>> THIS IS A GODSEND FOR A LOT OF DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES.

>> DEMOCRATS CLEARLY USING THIS FOR THE MIDTERMS.

THEY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT INFLATION.

THEY WANT TO TALK ABORTION.

>> IT'S VERY CURIOUS TO ME THAT THE DEMOCRATS WEREN'T TALKING

ABOUT IT UNTIL TODAY.

>> Stephen: YEAH, TYPICALLY, PEOPLE WAIT UNTIL SOMETHING

HAPPENS TO TALK ABOUT IT.

( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY ON THE "TITANIC" WAS

COMPLAINING ABOUT ICEBERGS WHEN THEY LEFT THE HARBOR.

BUT, THEN ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH, IT WAS, "ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD"

THIS, AND "NEVER LET GO...

GLUG, GLUG, GLUG" THAT.

( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW!

ONE REPUBLICAN TOOK A BREAK FROM ATTACKING THE LEAKER TO VILIFY

WOMEN INSTEAD.

I'M TALKING ABOUT FLORIDA REPUBLICAN AND SUBWAY RIDER

CHEERING ON THE MASTURBATOR, MATT GAETZ.

IN RESPONSE TO THE NATIONWIDE PROTESTS, THIS MORNING, GAETZ

TWEETED, "HOW MANY OF THE WOMEN RALLYING AGAINST OVERTURNING

"ROE" ARE OVER-EDUCATED, UNDER-LOVED MILLENNIALS WHO

SADLY RETURN FROM PROTESTS TO A LONELY MICROWAVE DINNER WITH

THEIR CATS AND NO BUMBLE MATCHES?"

NOW, FOLKS, IF THAT STATEMENT SOUNDS INSANE, REMEMBER: FOR

MATT GAETZ, OVER-EDUCATED IS ANY WOMAN WHO'S ALREADY GRADUATED

HIGH SCHOOL.

( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE-- MEANWHILE?

NOT MEANWHILE.

WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON.

OVER IN THE PANDEMIC, COVID-19 CASES AND HOSPITALIZATIONS ARE

RISING AGAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.

HOW MANY COMEBACKS DOES COVID GET?

IT'S THE MEL GIBSON OF VIRUSES.

( LAUGHTER ) CASES ARE GOING UP IN

WASHINGTON, MISSISSIPPI, GEORGIA, MAINE, HAWAII, SOUTH

DAKOTA, NEVADA, AND MONTANA.

COME ON!

HOW DOES IT POSSIBLY SPREAD FROM PERSON TO PERSON IN MONTANA?

EVERY PERSON IS 20 MILES APART TO GIVE SOMEONE COVID, YOU HAVE

TO LICK A PRAIRIE DOG AND THROW IT THROUGH THE WINDOW OF A

HOMESTEAD.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I BELIEVE-- I BELIEVE THEY STILL HOMESTEAD THERE, RIGHT?

MONTANA STILL HAS CABINS.

THE RISE IN CASES CAN BE BLAMED ON NEWER, FITTER DESCENDANTS OF

THE OMICRON VARIANT.

COME ON, OMICRON.

WE BROKE UP WITH YOU, AND NOW YOU'RE GETTING FITTER?

I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE ABS, OR IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS, WE MIGHT

HOOK UP AGAIN.

( LAUGHTER ) ONE MAJOR SUBVARIANT MAKING THE

ROUNDS IS A SPINOFF OF OMICRON'S BA.2 SUBVARIANT, CALLED

B2.12.1.

EVIDENTLY, THE W.H.O. RAN OUT OF GREEK LETTERS, SO NOW THEY'RE

JUST USING THE PASSWORD THAT COMES WITH YOUR ROUTER:

( AS DOCTOR ) MR. JOHNSON, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

WE RAN THE TESTS AND, UNFORTUNATELY, YOU'RE POSITIVE

FOR LOWER CASE B, AMPERSAND, 5, 6, CAPITAL Z AS IN ZAVID,

9,2,9, UNDERSCORE-NETGEAR, AND THEN A CAPITAL "O," OR A ZERO.

THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING."

( LAUGHTER ) BUT THINGS--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE PLACE WHERE COVID IS TAKING

OFF AGAIN IS OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.

ONE PLACE WHERE COVID IS TAKING OFF AGAIN IS OUR NATION'S

CAPITAL.

A BUNCH OF FOLKS TESTED POSITIVE AFTER ATTENDING THE WHITE HOUSE

CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER, INCLUDING ABC NEWS' CHIEF

WASHINGTON CORRESPONDENT, JONATHAN KARL, WHICH IS

PARTICULARLY WORRISOME, BECAUSE AT THE DINNER, KARL SHOOK HANDS

WITH PRESIDENT BIDEN-- A STORY THAT POLITICO REPORTED AS

"JONATHAN KARL TESTS POSITIVE FOR COVID AFTER SITTING NEXT TO

KIM KARDASHIAN."

WELL, OF COURSE THAT'S THEIR LEDE.

YOU WANT THE PRESIDENT TO BE HEALTHY, BUT COME ON, WE'VE HAD

45 OF THOSE GUYS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE FOUNDER OF SKIMS SHAPEWEAR.

I'M WEARING ONE RIGHT NOW.

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SO SMOOTHING.

EVEN WORSE, THE DINNER WAS SATURDAY, AND ON MONDAY, KIM

WENT TO THE MET GALA, WHICH-- I DON'T THINK I NEED TO REMIND

YOU-- WAS ATTENDED BY ALL OF THE KARDASHIANS FOR THE FIRST TIME

EVER.

THANKS A LOT, JONATHAN KARL.

YOU MAY HAVE JUST KNOCKED OUT OUR ENTIRE NATIONAL KARDASHIAN

RESERVE.

( LAUGHTER ) WHO WILL WE KEEP UP WITH NOW??

THE HILTONS?

DO THEY EVEN MAKE A LIP KIT?

( LAUGHTER ) AND, WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT

AFTER ATTENDING THE DINNER, SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY

BLINKEN TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID.

NOW, MAYBE I'M OUT OVER MY SKIS HERE, BUT I'M STARTING TO THINK

THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE SERVED DINNER "LADY AND THE TRAMP"

STYLE.

( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

MY GUESTS ARE GLENN CLOSE AND SHERYL CROW.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MY WIFE, EVIE, AND I HAVE SOME FIRST

DRAFTS OF MOTHER'S DAY CARDS.

STICK AROUND.