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  • WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TOMORROW-- IS THIS TOMORROW?

  • TOMORROW MARKS THREE WEEKS?

  • TOMORROW MARKS THREE WEEKS SINCE PUTIN INVADED UKRAINE, AND THE

  • RUSSIAN MILITARY STUKK REMAINS BOGGED DOWN, SO THEY'VE CHANGED

  • THEIR TACTICS TO JUST UNADULTERATED TERRORISM.

  • THE KREMLIN DENIES THAT THEY'RE TERRORIZING THE CIVILIAN

  • POPULATION, BUT KYIV MAYOR AND FORMER HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION,

  • VITALY KLITSCHKO, POLITELY DISAGREES.

  • >> PUTIN SAYS HE'S ONLY TARGETING MILITARY TARGETS.

  • >> (BLEEP)!

  • SORRY...

  • >> Stephen: NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE, CHAMP.

  • AND WITH UKRAINIAN CITIES, ESPECIALLY KYIV, UNDER

  • CONSTANT ATTACK, UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT VOLODMYR ZELENSKYY

  • GAVE A VIRTUAL ADDRESS TO CONGRESS THIS MORNING.

  • IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IT'S WORTH WATCHING.

  • THE ULTIMATE THRUST OF ZELENSKYY'S APPEAL WAS TO THANK

  • BIDEN FOR WHAT HE'S DONE SO FAR, BUT ALSO TO CALL ON BIDEN TO DO

  • MUCH MORE.

  • AND FOR THAT CALL, HE SWITCHED TO ENGLISH.

  • >> AS THE LEADER OF MY NATION, I AM ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT

  • BIDEN.

  • YOU ARE THE LEADER OF THE NATION, OF YOUR GREAT NATION.

  • I WISH YOU TO BE THE LEADER OF THE WORLD.

  • BEING THE LEADER OF THE WORLD MEANS TO BE THE LEADER OF PEACE.

  • THANK YOU.

  • SLAVA UKRAINE.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW IT IS

  • POWERFUL WHEN THAT MANY OLD PEOPLE JUMP TO THEIR FEET.

  • THERE ARE KNEES IN THAT ROOM THAT WERE ALIVE DURING THE

  • ROOSEVELT ADMINISTRATION.

  • IN RESPONSE TODAY, BIDEN ANNOUNCED $800 MILLION IN NEW

  • MILITARY AID TO UKRAINE.

  • THAT IS REMARKABLE, NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF HOW FAST HE MOVED,

  • BUT AT NO POINT DID HE USE THE PHRASE, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO

  • US A FAVOR, THOUGH."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE AID PACKAGE INCLUDES MORE OF

  • WHAT WE'VE ALREADY BEEN GIVING THE UKRAINIANS, INCLUDING

  • JAVELIN ANTI-TANK AND STINGER ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILES.

  • AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL BUST OUT THE MOST POTENT WEAPON

  • IN THE AMERICAN ARSENAL: THE T-SHIRT CANNON!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

  • >> Jon: WHOA!

  • >> Stephen: OH, YEAH.

  • YOU WATCH YOURSELF, VLAD, OR WE WILL PELT YOU WITH METS

  • CREWNECKS THAT ARE ALL X-L.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, NOW--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪

  • LATER.

  • LET'S EARN IT.

  • LET'S EARN IT.

  • WATCH-- WATCH WHERE YOU POINT THAT.

  • RUSSIA HAS BEEN DESPERATE FOR SUPPLIES AND WEAPONS, AND THEY

  • WERE JUST DEALT ANOTHER BLOW TODAY WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT

  • QUEEN ELIZABETH WILL NO LONGER LEND MOSCOW THREE ANCIENT

  • SWORDS.

  • THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST BRITISH SANCTION OF ALL TIME.

  • ( AS QUEEN ) "VLADIMIR PUTIN WILL NO LONGER

  • BE RECEIVING ANY BEJEWELED RAPIERS, NOR SHALL ANY OF HIS

  • CREAM BE CLOTTED!

  • AND YOUNG RUSSIANS IN NEED OF LOVE AND DISCIPLINE WILL THAVE

  • TO DO WITHOUT FLYING NANNIES AND CHIMNEY SWEEPS.

  • CHIM-CHIMMA-(BLEEP)-YOOOUUUU."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪

  • LOTS OF COMPANIES HAVE PULLED OUT OF RUSSIA, BUT ONE AMERICAN

  • FRANCHISE IS STAYING: 190 PAPA JOHN'S RESTAURANTS IN

  • RUSSIA ARE STILL OPEN AND SELLING PIZZAS.

  • THAT'S CRAZY.

  • THEY CALL PAPA JOHN'S A RESTAURANT?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE BRAND IS SUSPENDING

  • CORPORATE OPERATIONS, BUT THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE FRANCHISES

  • IN THE COUNTRY WILL KEEP CRANKING OUT THE SALTY BATHMATS

  • THEY CALL PIZZA, BECAUSE THEY ARE PRIMARILY OWNED BY RUSSIANS.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THEY'RE SO RUSSIAN, THEY'VE EVEN UPDATED THE SLOGAN TO

  • "BETTER INGREDIENTS, BETTER PIZZA.

  • JUST KIDDING.

  • IS POTATO."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • ( BLEEP ).

  • THERE YOU ANY.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • THERE WE GO.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BLEEP ).

  • ( BLEEP ).

  • WOW!

  • WOW!

  • I THINK THAT LANDED OVER IN THE WINTER GARDEN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE HEAD OF THE AMERICAN

  • COMPANY WHICH OVERSEES THESE RUSSIAN FRANCHISES, EXPLAINED

  • WHY THEY'VE DECIDED TO KEEP OPERATING, SAYING, "THE VAST

  • MAJORITY OF RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE VERY CLEAR HEADED AND UNDERSTAND

  • THE DARK GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION THEY'RE IN.

  • AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY APPRECIATE A GOOD PIZZA."

  • ADDING, "UNFORTUNATELY, WE SERVE PAPA JOHN'S."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT YESTERDAY, RUSSIA SUFFERED

  • THE MOST PAINFUL LOSS OF ALL, BECAUSE MY BELOVED PARENT

  • COMPANY, PARAMOUNT, HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO SUSPEND

  • OPERATIONS IN RUSSIA.

  • THAT'S RIGHT, RUSSIA!

  • ( APPLAUSE ).

  • >> Jon: YEAH!

  • UH-HUH!

  • COME ON, GET IT.

  • >> Stephen: YOU STEP OUT OF LINE, AND THE GOOD PEOPLE AT

  • PARAMOUNT WILL SNAP INTO ACTION...

  • A COUPLE WEEKS AFTER WE MAKE SURE EVERYONE ELSE HAS DONE IT!

  • WE JUST-- WE JUST DON'T HAVE A VERY GOOD SIGNAL UP ON THE

  • MOUNTAIN.

  • WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

  • AND I GOTTA SAY, I THINK THIS MIGHT BE THE THING THAT ENDS THE

  • WAR.

  • PUTIN'S BOUND TO SURRENDER THE MINUTE HE HEARS HE'S LOSING

  • ACCESS TO A MOUNTAIN OF ENTERTAINMENT.

  • SAY DASVIDANIYA TO ALL 6 SEASONS OF "I-CARLY," "CROCODILE DUNDEE

  • IN LOS ANGELES," AND THE JEWEL OF THE PARAMOUNT EMPIRE,

  • "THE LOVE GURU," FEATURING YOURS TRULY AS A HOCKEY ANNOUNCER!

  • A SUBJECT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) NO IDEA WHAT I WAS SAYING.

  • OF AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • IF THIS WAR DOESN'T STOP IMMEDIATELY, I AM GOING TO

  • EXTEND THE SANCTIONS ON "THE LOVE GURU" TO INCLUDE EVERY

  • NATION ON EARTH.

  • THAT'S RIGHT, NO ONE GETS TO SEE THIS MOVIE THAT I AM VERY PROUD

  • OF UNTIL THE WAR ENDS.

  • AND NOT JUST THIS WAR, ALL WARS.

  • NO, I MUST!

  • FOR PEACE!

  • I'M GONNA THROW "BEWITCHED" IN THERE, TOO.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHO MADE THAT ONE, BUT IT'S TIME THEY PULLED IT

  • FROM THE RUSSIAN MARKET, AND FROM MY IMDb PAGE.

  • ALL THIS ECONOMIC PAIN HAS PROMPTED RUSSIA TO SAY, "RIGHT

  • BACK AT YA' COMRADE!" BECAUSE YESTERDAY, RUSSIA

  • ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'RE HITTING BIDEN, BLINKEN, AND OTHER TOP

  • U.S. OFFICIALS WITH SANCTIONS.

  • OH, THAT'S ADORABLE.

  • THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN SANCTIONS!

  • IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR KID A BUBBLE LAWN MOWER AND THEY'RE

  • LIKE, "I'M A WORLD POWER, TOO!" AND YOU SURE ARE, BUDDY.

  • DOIN' A GREAT JOB.

  • THE SANCTIONS WORK THE SAME WAY OURS DO.

  • SO, FOR ANYONE ON THE LIST, ANY ASSETS THEY HOLD IN RUSSIA WILL

  • BE FROZEN, AND THEY ARE PROHIBITED FROM ENTERING THE

  • COUNTRY, WHICH WOULD BE A THREAT IF ANYONE WANTED TO GO TO

  • RIGHT NOW.

  • NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TRAVELING TO SPRING BREAK IN YAKUTSK.

  • NUMBER ONE ON THE SANCTION LIST IS PRESIDENT BIDEN.

  • SORT OF.

  • BECAUSE THE RUSSIANS SANCTIONED JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN, WHICH

  • SOUNDS LIKE THE PRESIDENT, BUT AS JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED:

  • >> I WOULD FIRST NOTE THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN IS A JUNIOR, SO

  • THEY MAY HAVE SANCTIONED HIS DAD, MAY HE REST IN PEACE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • >> Stephen: GOTCHA THERE, JACK!

  • NO, PLEASE.

  • I'M THE LIL' JUNIOR MINT!

  • NAMED AFTER MY POPS, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN SR.

  • AND HE WAS NAMED AFTER HIS POPS, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN THE

  • PREQUEL.

  • FAMILY WAS SO POOR, WE COULD ONLY AFFORD ONE NAME.

  • ALSO SHARED ONE PAIR OF PANTS AND THREE SHOES WE KEPT ON

  • ROTATION.

  • TOUGH TO GET AROUND TOWN, BUT WE CLEANED UP IN THE THREE-LEGGED

  • RACE.

  • NAH, I'M SERIOUS, FOLKS!

  • WE WON ALL KINDSA TAFFY."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ RIGHT NOW, RUSSIA IS MAINLY

  • TARGETING POLITICAL FIGURES, BUT THAT MIGHT CHANGE.

  • THEIR FOREIGN MINISTRY ANNOUNCED IT INTENDS TO SANCTION MORE U.S.

  • OFFICIALS, MILITARY LEADERS, LAWMAKERS, AND MEMBERS OF THE

  • MEDIA WHO ARE CRITICAL OF THE COUNTRY.

  • MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA WHO ARE CRITICAL OF RUSSIA?

  • WHY, THAT'S ME!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I BETTER GET ME A SANCTION-- I'M

  • GONNA BE SO MAD IF JOHN OLIVER GETS BANNED FROM RUSSIA AND I

  • DON'T.

  • HE ONLY CRITICIZES PUTIN ONCE A WEEK!

  • WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THE SAME SANCTION CATEGORY!

  • HE GETS SANCTIONED EVERY YEAR!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

  • TONIGHT.

  • MY GUESTS ARE MICHAEL BUBLE AND ROSE MATAFEO.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!

  • IT IT.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."

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