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  • (upbeat intro music)

  • - (Group) Cheers!

  • - So anyway, that was when I realized that spinach has

  • way more vitamin B12 than cocaine.

  • - I've been trying to be healthier, too.

  • I felt a yeast infection coming on,

  • so I looked up some home remedies online.

  • - Oh, I've read about those.

  • - Like a dab of tea tree oil, or coconut oil,

  • or some other oil?

  • - Yes, just like that, except its a clove of garlic

  • that I make a bunch of tiny cuts on

  • so the juices really ooze out,

  • and then I put it in my vagina.

  • - Excuse me?

  • - Oh yeah, it's all natural and the antibacterial

  • properties of the garlic help prevent sickness down there.

  • - Lily, your vaginas self cleaning, it doesn't need you

  • to put anything extra inside.

  • - I try and lead a healthy and holistic lifestyle,

  • and that applies to every part of my body.

  • - Oh my God! Whoa!

  • - Put that away!

  • No, not back in, in the trash!

  • Ew!

  • Lily, your vagina has a delicate pH balance,

  • it doesn't need you putting unnecessary things in there.

  • That's why I just steam mine.

  • - How long has that been there?

  • - How can it help you if it's not inside you?

  • - This simmering pot is full of herbs

  • that revitalize and rebalance my girlie garden.

  • Steams me open like an envelop.

  • - Look, we all agree with society that something

  • must be done about our dirty, nasty vaginas.

  • - Don't forget 'ugly.'

  • - That's right, our dirty, nasty, ugly vaginas.

  • But that is not the way to do it, Jamie!

  • Making your lady purse damper is only a way to make

  • bacteria flourish.

  • - That's why, afterwards, I use a vaginal vacuum to Hoover

  • up any residue and that restores my yoni's youthfulness.

  • - What the hell is a vaginal vacuum?

  • - That is insane, can we please just leave our vages

  • alone, okay?

  • Just a little afternoon sext from my boyfriend, Brad.

  • Ever since I got a Jade Egg for my jaded little egg sack,

  • my fertility and virility have been off the charts.

  • - Oh yeah, I've heard about those little Jade Eggs.

  • - We don't need to see, we get the picture, it's okay.

  • - Holy!

  • - Has that been in you this whole time?

  • - I don't think putting a giant rock in your polly pocket

  • is gonna improve your sex drive.

  • - Don't those things cost like $100

  • and they're impossible to clean?

  • My steamer is a home remedy.

  • - And my garlic tampon is a delicious garnish.

  • - No, it was $300 and I've never cleaned it.

  • (gagging noises)

  • - Oh my god, Jess.

  • - Jess, are you okay?

  • - Was it something I said?

  • - You guys need to stop messing with your minges.

  • Okay, Just leave them alone!

  • None of the things that you're doing

  • achieve any of the effects that they say that they will.

  • In fact, they are making it worse down there, okay?

  • Just because some new agey product come out

  • promising you the moon and stars does not mean

  • that you have to try it.

  • I am feeling really faint from this conversation.

  • Or it might be from the live bees

  • that I let loose in my clam trap.

  • - Live bees?

  • - Multiple hives of bees to make a new queen bee,

  • which then creates royal jelly that has

  • the essential nutrients I need

  • to boost my beef taco.

  • - Aren't you getting stung?

  • - Oh yeah, I am very allergic to bees

  • but this will really help my, get those plump bee-stung--

  • (gasp of air)

  • lips that I've been dying for.

  • - Jess, we need to get you to the hospital.

  • - No, I think I'll just die here.

  • At my funeral,

  • put me in a top, no bottoms.

  • So that the world can see the huge, holistic effort

  • I put into my privates.

  • Promise me, Katie.

  • (Katie grunts)

  • - I will.

  • - Jess?

  • - No bottoms!

  • - Hey, it's Lily!

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  • - Set a course - [Computer] I'm sorry I--

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  • Did you do the math from earlier, and if you did,

  • could you tell me how much it was?

  • Cause I'm bad with numbers.

  • Five, five times one.

(upbeat intro music)

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B2 US jess cruiser lily dread garlic dropout

Stop Messing with Your Vaginas

  • 30 1
    小调pro posted on 2022/04/08
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