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  • so I don't know how to start this video.

  • Um, but I'm just gonna start it because that's how old videos start.

  • Just start, videos are quite sporadic.

  • Is that the right way sporadic on my channel that really post, that often takes a while for me to post and my schedule these days, like I do, my work would take your creative, I do twitch occasion, do model and acting jobs and I do youtube, you know, but I haven't done youtube for a while.

  • I do youtube on and off and it's not really supposed to be that way.

  • I just had a way a little bit of a breakdown, not a breakdown, just a big cry.

  • You know, it's a big old cry because every time I think about making a video, I'm not like sad about it, but I'm like, okay, I've got an idea that'll be good.

  • And then I could do this and I could do that and then it comes to the day that I'm like, okay, maybe I can film it today.

  • And I'm like, oh, that actually, I don't think that idea works anymore.

  • Actually, I don't think it's going to work out.

  • Actually, the idea is kind of stupid actually, I don't think I want to do that all the way.

  • I used to make videos was when I, when I get the inspiration, I'll make a video of my videos, my videos always like inspired.

  • But with that technique, what happens when the inspiration stops, that's kind of where we are.

  • And so the breakdown I was having before is I've decided to just put it in my schedule.

  • Like this day, I've got to make a video, whatever video.

  • And today was one of those days, I didn't really know what I was gonna do.

  • I had maybe like five ideas and then each idea, I was like, shut it down, it's not gonna work, there's no way that's going to make a good video.

  • And so I had an idea for today's video.

  • I woke up and it's like, I felt like I'd already failed, which is kind of a terrible feeling and so trying to get ready to do the video, it just got slower and slower.

  • Every single thing that I did felt like there was another rock in my head and like, I was just trying to get to making the video and it I was getting ready for hours and I just eventually slowed down and just stopped.

  • And that had a big old cry because I was like, I don't know what I'm doing and my my brain is so negative that no matter what I do, even if it's a good idea, my brain will be like, that'll never work.

  • Don't even don't even try.

  • I was like, yes, I am seeing a therapist and I'm actually seeing her next week, which will be good.

  • We have talked about this stuff a little bit, but um I think it is something that I need to figure out a way to control it whether that is with a strict schedule that says I'm going to make this video this day, even if I think it's a bad idea, I just need to do it.

  • I don't know what exactly is going to fix it.

  • Things have actually been really, really nice lately other than Youtube.

  • I'm still on instagram, twitter, I do twitch multiple times a week.

  • I am, what else I do.

  • Yeah.

  • Actually modeling some jobs have come up, I've gone and done those and filming more frequently with Tokyo Creative.

  • So I've been busy, it feels busy and yet my channel still stays the same with the same video however many weeks ago.

  • And it's sad because like I want to make videos once I've made a video and I watch it back for the millionth time.

  • I'm usually quite proud of it.

  • I'm usually like, okay, let's do this.

  • I'm happy with how it turned out, even if I'm a little bit nervous and I just uploaded, it's good and I just do it.

  • But the longer I leave things, the longer that the, the time takes on, The more I'm like, Oh, it has to be a better video now to make up with the time that I haven't posted and I have to have to put more effort into it.

  • And then recently I made a video, I made a video, it was like five minutes long And I liked it, but it wasn't special in any kind of way and I was like, I can't upload that people have waited, waiting 2-3 weeks or however long.

  • I can't give them this crappy video.

  • That, that's not good enough.

  • So that's kind of where my brains at, it's a little bit frantic when it comes to youtube.

  • All the aspects of my life are pretty calm.

  • I'm having a pretty good times.

  • I've been going on adventures.

  • Actually I have, yeah, I've been going on adventures.

  • Here's some of the adventures I've been on here.

  • Some of the scrap videos that I've done.

  • So Sam's here and also the wonderful taylor B wow, a video of you with, Oh, I think my point and I, yeah, thanks.

  • Mm And maybe with the album, Oh, this area is like working on, like they're all like, the thing is, I was so scared to say this because I'm probably gonna fail.

  • But I want to post just once a week.

  • Like a normal person, like someone who is a Youtuber at least once a week, you know, that's my goal.

  • And so it's in my schedule now.

  • I have to film then I have to edit then.

  • So it's not like, I don't want to create videos.

  • It's that I have like this, this weird block right now that I'm like scared to create videos.

  • It's very hard to explain.

  • I imagine what's going to happen.

  • And I imagine that people will watch this and be like, you are so privileged, shut up.

  • You're living in Japan, you have a great job.

  • You have literally no problems.

  • Shut up.

  • And I'm like, I actually agree with you and that's why I'm a little bit worried about posting this because it's like I'm complaining and whining about a very first world problem for someone who is having a very wonderful life and most the time I am happy.

  • But I also have to be careful to not belittle a problem like this because and it just wanted to be, I just want to be honest with you guys about where I'm at suddenly is going to happen today.

  • It's going to happen with ERIC ERic took care of it here please.

  • So what are you doing?

  • Sad girl, I'm getting better.

  • I'm talking out all my worries in my misery to the camera.

  • Okay.

  • Oh no, I don't know what is it?

  • It's coming on again.

  • No, stop brain.

  • Uhh Oh, I just wanted to speak because tomorrow I'm supposed to be flying to irrational, which might be kept on, but tomorrow is supposed to be flying to Hiroshima and so I want to spend the day with ERic and do any dumb thing that we want.

  • Can we go to an arcade?

  • Yes.

  • One thing that I want to do.

  • Let's go to it.

  • Could look it up and go to get fries.

  • Yeah, so that's deep.

  • Yeah, so that's the first thing that I want to do and then we can go to an arcade.

  • It's going to be the third time we've gone to our first date place.

  • Yeah.

  • You guys have seen eric in past videos.

  • We have really done like a full thing but this is eric my boyfriend, he's very supportive and very wonderful and it was his birthday recently.

  • Happy birthday like a couple of days ago.

  • Yeah.

  • Today saturday you're going to third wheel on a date with us.

  • We're just gonna go have a good time next month.

  • I have eight days scheduled at work.

  • No, it's okay.

  • It's okay, calm down, calm down.

  • Uh huh.

  • I'm going to have $0.00.

  • It'll be money sucks.

  • But money is the one thing that I stress it.

  • Yeah, because my school is like, hey, by the way, you're gonna pay us?

  • I'm like how your school Baylor?

  • I don't know.

  • You know, Let's see.

  • Let's find out.

  • Let's find out.

  • Yeah.

  • Anyway, so that's the deal.

  • We're gonna go have a good day.

  • I'm gonna feel a lot better once we get out of the house and I'm so hungry.

  • Okay, let's get out of here.

  • Let's go on a date together.

  • Uh huh.

  • How was the refreshed shot?

  • Does it taste just like Pepsi or is it a little sugary?

  • I spilt it all down my shirt way to the roof garden.

  • Here's what I'm wearing today, shorts.

  • My Nikes and a shirt.

  • Very nice.

  • What?

  • What?

  • It's a sudden raining.

  • Are you kidding me?

  • Oh golly so much rain, but it's so bright.

  • What?

  • Yeah, so we have our dutch fries.

  • We have mayonnaise and ketchup.

  • This kind of fries are kind of difficult to find in Japan.

  • They're very thick cut, which is quite rare.

  • They're super delicious.

  • They're a bit expensive, but they're worth it.

  • The real Belgian fries fries.

  • Belgian fries.

  • Sorry, sorry, I like both on one friend.

  • I miss being cold.

  • Yeah, I've been cold in a long time.

  • Just being perfect temperature.

  • Yeah, because I had a cry this morning.

  • Very tired because when I have a cry it's like, so it takes so much energy you got can love it.

  • Is.

  • And the magazine, Yeah.

  • We went shopping for autumn clothes yesterday.

  • I couldn't help it.

  • They were just so cute because the slouchy sweater I got like three of the same shot that I like.

  • Yeah, so good.

  • You guys will see it when it's cold so in like a month you'll be worrying them.

  • Yeah.

  • Do you think?

  • Yeah.

  • Okay.

  • Stop, hate it.

  • Hate it.

  • Stop stop doing that.

  • These poor people.

  • It's just windy.

  • It's not windy.

  • There's no winds down.

  • It's just keeping the table a lot of people I know are leaving or have left Japan.

  • It's crazy.

  • Tis the season for maybe.

  • Hi, one more cut.

  • Okay.

  • Every time I touch Emma's neck even a little bit.

  • I make this sound good.

  • No.

  • Yeah, up here.

  • They have a lot of beautiful plants.

  • They're pretty expensive.

  • But they are amazing.

  • Look at that guy.

  • It's really sharp.

  • Yeah, some of the plants are pretty dangerous.

  • Hello?

  • Big by its price is so much variety.

  • Ready?

  • No chilies.

  • These are chilies.

  • Yeah.

  • Can we eat them?

  • Yeah.

  • Doing how tiny This is so small.

  • There are just so, so tiny little guy.

  • They're adorable.

  • Also on this side, there's a really cool area with lots of plants and like a pond and everything.

  • It's really, really beautiful.

  • We want some candies.

  • Candies.

  • We won, we won so much candy.

  • Open it.

  • Yeah, so much they gave us a bag.

  • Yeah.

  • You mentioned not bad.

  • Was it enough?

  • You punch the skin off his face?

  • We're gonna play some Mario kart.

  • So eric B Me, Are you happy about that?

  • Yeah, whatever.

  • Let's go home.

  • I'm, I'm done.

  • Yeah.

  • Yeah, yeah, mm hmm.

  • Mhm, mhm, mm.

  • Hey, so it's later on in the evening I got changed because I got really sweaty were out and I felt really disgusting.

  • So I just put on a new shut, I'm gonna put on some rice vegetables.

  • Just get them started cooking that I can wash up and then I might go out and get some groceries.

  • It's been quite a while since I last did.

  • Hello.

  • I got home and just all throughout the day my brain is like, this video isn't working.

  • This is not working.

  • Give up.

  • Give up.

  • Give up.

  • I lay in bed and watched, this is my coping method.

  • I watch terrible facebook videos for extended periods of time, just like shut my mind off.

  • It's a terrible way.

  • It's not productive.

  • I don't learn anything.

  • Oh, this carrot is right in the middle.

  • I really feel like I got to figure out how do I get my brain to work in the way that I wanted to work.

  • I think that my brain is a little bit too busy all the time.

  • I think it's trying to think of too many things at once.

  • I just want to be able to enjoy making videos and I want to not be scared of them and I want to just be able to do it.

  • I want to be able to do it and I want to be able to do it once a week.

  • That's my goal in order to do that.

  • We've got to start here and in this process, there might be some terrible videos.

  • There might be some really bad videos and I think we just got to be okay with that so far in this.

  • I've got carrots and potato.

  • I'm also gonna do some lotus root and some onion.

  • So here's my vegetables.

  • I'm gonna put it in the oven and I'm gonna start washing up.

  • Yeah, it's kind of weird how they go back to coffee, got coffee.

  • I just went and got an american beef steak from supermarket and I'm just going to have it half for me, half for eric.

  • And I'm going to put this garlic bread, going to cut it into little pieces and put garlic and butter on it.

  • It's not that healthy.

  • This is not that healthy.

  • I don't care anymore.

  • I don't care.

  • Okay, this is pretty messy, but I made bocas, it's right here.

  • There you go.

  • Made like steak and garlic bread and roast vegetables.

  • We're gonna, we're gonna watch altered carbon is you guys need to show it's really good so far.

  • It's a netflix show.

  • We're gonna sit down, eat and enjoy it together.

  • I did the washing up to go, okay.

  • It is way too late.

  • It is midnight now.

  • But yeah, today today has definitely been a weird day, definitely being a bit of a weird one, but I think it was a necessary day even if I don't know why yet.

  • So I just spent a really long time.

  • My mom is coming to visit in october and I just spent a long time trying to figure out hotels and flights and everything to them organizing a lot of stuff.

  • Okay.

  • I'm gonna go, I'm gonna finish the laundry.