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  • So you thought you'd get a great deal on a new starter home out in the country, move

  • in, and start a new life together with your best gal or guy or whatever pronoun they prefer.

  • Only after moving in you discover that the house is actually haunted by the spirit of

  • a dead witch who wants to do super witchy things like possessing you and making you

  • murder your whole family.

  • How are you going to fight and defeat the evil spirit of Bathsheba Sherman, a real witch

  • of a witch if we've ever seen one?

  • First, you should've chickety-checked yourself because you done gone and wrickety wrecked

  • yourself.

  • You're a millenial, in what make-believe fantasy can you afford even a run-down home somewhere

  • in the backwoods of god-knows-where?

  • You were born to be a wage-slave, but like a bad wage-slave you got dreams in your silly

  • little head of a middle class life like your parents got to enjoy- you know, back when

  • salaries kept pace with cost of living and inflation both and education and healthcare

  • weren't run like ruthless, cuthroat for-profit businesses.

  • The average starter home in the US is about shy of $300,000- which is still not a bad

  • price, except this figure is grossly skewed by homes for sale in low-end markets.

  • You know, places where people don't want to live.

  • If you actually want a home where human beings want to spend their lives, then you're looking

  • at about $700,000 in California, or $500,000 in New York metro area.

  • Considering that the average wage in America is about $49k, you'll be done paying off your

  • new home in about two or three lifetimes.

  • What we're getting at is that if some real estate broker comes to you with a house you

  • can actually afford, you damn well better start contacting the local historical society-

  • because we guarantee that place is more demonic than the black heart of a T-mobile CEO.

  • In your particular case, a quick trip to a local historian would've revealed that your

  • quaint little country home selling at half the going rate of any other home just so happens

  • to be the site of multiple murders and one suicide.

  • The killings go all the way back to Bathsheba Sherman, who tried to sacrifice her one week

  • old baby to Satan in order to prove her devotion.

  • Caught in the act, she instead ragequit from life and hung herself from a tree in the front

  • yard, cursing all the newbs would try to take her land.

  • Since then a string of mothers would go on to kill their children and then themselves,

  • which would have been great information to know before you bought this house.

  • Listen, tacos are delicious, but if someone is offering you a .25 cent taco, you'd probably

  • do a little research to figure out why it's so cheap.

  • You should've done the same with the house.

  • But it's too late, you're already financially tied up and all moved in.

  • That's when things start getting spooky.

  • First, burn or sell the old furniture.

  • Why would you even want some dead person's stuff anyways?

  • That's just creepy in and of itself.

  • Leave antique collecting to bored boomers and ditch all the old crap that came with

  • your new home.

  • Not only are you tossing out potentially haunted items, but you're also clearing up all that

  • cluttered space and leaving ghosts no room to hide behind crap and spook you.

  • Next, let's talk about all those slamming doors in the middle of the night.

  • Not only is that crap scary, but as we know from the film Bathsheba absolutely loves to

  • slam doors shut behind you and lock you in places.

  • Can we introduce you to the humble doorstop?

  • Slide one of these rubber bad boys under your door and let Bathsheba exhaust herself trying

  • to slam shut a door that won't budge.

  • K, now let's deal with the clocks all creepily stopping at 3:07 AM, the devil's hour.

  • This is important, because the devil's hour is allegedly an inversion of the time when

  • Jesus died on the cross at 3:07 PM.

  • Yeah, basically the devil's whole shtick is to do the opposite of what Jesus or God do-

  • wow, way to edgelord.

  • But finding clocks stopped at 3:07 AM can be a pretty spooky thing, so just get rid

  • of any old clocks.

  • Replace them with digital clocks, or even better, use your phone.

  • That thing is practically surgically grafted to your millenial hand anyways.

  • It might not seem like a big deal, but controlling the general levels of 'spookiness' is pretty

  • important, because Bathsheba isn't a ghost- she's a demonic spirit, and there's a big

  • difference.

  • Regular old dumb ghosts basically just do dumb ghost things like make rocking chairs

  • move or stare at you from the foot of your bed while you're sleeping.

  • One will probably do it to you tonight, and you won't even know unless you peep your eyes

  • open to check.

  • Try and not think about that when you shut the lights off and lay in bed tonight.

  • The point is, they scare almost by accident.

  • Demons and demonic spirits however scare on purpose, because fear means power.

  • The more afraid you are of them, the more powerful they become, which allows them to

  • manifest in even more terrifying ways which in turn makes you more scared which makes

  • them more powerful which allows them to manifest in more terrifying ways which in turn makes...

  • ok, you get it.

  • It's a vicious cycle, and a real witch thing to do.

  • But what do you expect from Bathsheba Sherman, she's a huge witch.

  • So what we're getting at is that the less afraid you are, the less power Bathsheba or

  • any other demon will have over you.

  • Try and make your environment as welcoming and happy as possible.

  • Flood the house with light, paint the walls bright, cheerful colors, and like we said

  • earlier- ditch the retro dead people furniture.

  • Replace that crap with Ikea stuff- sure, Ikea furniture may be cheap and break often and

  • early, but you have never in your life heard of a 'haunted Ikea dresser', or 'haunted Ikea

  • rocking chair'.

  • It can help to remind yourself that spirits actually have very little power over you-

  • at first.

  • Aside from doing a few spooky things, even the most vile, demonic spirit- like for example,

  • that of a deceased T-mobile VP in charge of marketing- can do little else than spook you

  • out when you first run into it.

  • But those spooks can be really unsettling, and really ratchet up the fear.

  • So try and keep in mind that Bathsheba can't actually hurt you unless you allow her to

  • by scaring you.

  • Oh sure, getting a door slammed in your face is super creepy, but remind yourself- if Bathsheba

  • wants you dead so badly, then why doesn't that witch just do it?

  • Oh that's right, cuz she's a weak little witch that can't do a thing to hurt you.

  • But let's say you made the mistake of ratcheting up the fear, and now people are getting dragged

  • down into the cellar by their legs, floating upside down on the ceiling while tied to a

  • chair, and doors are being supernaturally locked in your face.

  • First, let's take care of the door problem.

  • Buy a chainsaw, boom, door problem over.

  • Bathsheba can supernaturally lock a door in your face all she likes, but let's see her

  • stop 14,000 RPMs of all-American steel.

  • Honestly, if anyone in your house becomes possessed, chainsaw takes care of that problem

  • too.

  • Chainsaw takes care of a lot of problems is what we're saying.

  • But, alright, we hear you- “Infographics show, I don't want to chainsaw Batsheba out

  • of my new girlfriend, I just got her and I had to throw the last one off a cliff and

  • set a forest on fire around her and the one before that I yeeted out a castle window.”

  • Fine, you big baby, let's get your girlfriend unpossessed.

  • Get holy water, you need a lot of it.

  • Evil spirits hate holy water, and while crucifixes are nice to have around the house, we've seen

  • one too many scary movies with them turning upside down and getting thrown across the

  • room like ninja stars.

  • A priest would also be nice, but here's a secret- you can basically do an exorcism yourself...

  • if you have faith.

  • Now, you don't have to be a perfect goodie two-shoes, but you do have to have honest

  • faith in order to call on God for help.

  • The less faith you have and the more scared of Batsheba you become, well the more difficult

  • this whole thing is going to be.

  • But a good place to start is to tie your possessed girlfriend down, if you enjoy not getting

  • bit in the face and having your cheek torn off.

  • Here's a neat trick when performing amateur exorcisms- the demon is still physically inside

  • a human body.

  • If Bathsheba starts getting a little too uppity and witchy with her host body, just help her

  • to a rag soaked in ether for a few seconds.

  • Now, this isn't the movies so you're not going to instantly make someone pass out by holding

  • a rag soaked in ether over their nose and mouth, but we guarantee it's going to give

  • Batsheba's human host's body one hell of a chill pill.

  • With Bathsheba successfully subdued, it's time to continue the exorcism- and take the

  • opportunity to maybe double up on the restraints.

  • This part can take quite a while like we told you before, so you better be in for the long

  • haul if you don't have professional help.

  • And if not, well, can we recommend the Chainsaw?

  • Still no?

  • Ugh, fine.

  • You millennials really are awful entitled about your limbs, you know that?

  • Help your possessed girlfriend fight off Bathsheba by helping her focus on positive memories

  • from her life.

  • Since she's dating you, that probably means memories from back when she was single.

  • You might want to call a priest in real life now, because the sting of that Infographics

  • burn is going to haunt you for a while.

  • Listen, we hate to break it to you but the hippies had it right.

  • Positivity and good energy and happy emotions really are the key to defeating evil- both

  • the physical kind we face every day like a T-mobile employee trying to sign you up to

  • their abyssal service, and the spiritual kind like Bathsheba.

  • A happy soul doesn't make for a good home for a demon, remember Satan and his ilk are

  • level 10 edgelords, it's all about sarcasm and moping around in darkness and complaining

  • about happy, well-adjusted people and the things they like.

  • You know, literally any YouTube comments section.

  • So fire up those positive vibes, adopt a freegan lifestyle, become insufferable by saying Namaste

  • to everyone instead of thank you or you're welcome, and bring the happiness.

  • In no time you'll be so disgustingly positive that Batsheba will flee back to hell where

  • she belongs and leave you and your girlfriend alone.

  • And if that doesn't work, may we for a third time suggest the chainsaw?

  • Now go watch You vs Valak (The Nun), or click this other video instead.

So you thought you'd get a great deal on a new starter home out in the country, move

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YOU vs BATHSHEBA SHERMAN - Could You Defeat and Survive The Conjuring Movie

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    Summer posted on 2021/06/01
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