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  • So you decided to go camping out at an abandoned summer camp and now you and your best friends

  • are running for your lives from a psychopathic killer who's nearly unstoppable.

  • Well, to find out how to survive history's most prolific horror movie killers we've tasked

  • your favorite lab rat with watching a bunch of horror movies and writing us a detailed

  • survival guide.

  • If you want to last even a minute against Jason Voorhees, you'd better stay tuned in

  • for our Friday the 13th Survival Guide.

  • Survival Rule 1: Dead Mothers Know Best (use relevant clips from 1 minute to 6:45 minute

  • mark)

  • Alright so you and your bestie are running from a psychopathic killer.

  • Well, let's break this scene down from the top- first of all, don't run into the nearest

  • creepy shack, or any sort of building that you aren't sure has a second exit.

  • There's a reason rabbits typically have two entrances and exits to their burrows, and

  • it's so they don't get cornered by a psychopath with a pickaxe.

  • If a building looks occupied, then by all means go for it- most normal killers will

  • break off pursuit if they think other people may be around.

  • As far as Jason, well, the more people you run into the more potential victims for Jason

  • and the less chance he'll decide to keep going after you.

  • It's kind of like that old adage of hikers and backpackers everywhere: you don't have

  • to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun your friend.

  • But ok, somehow you've stumbled into Jason's personal home and come across the remains

  • of his dead mother.

  • As disgusting as it seems, putting on his dead mother's clothing is actually pretty

  • clever.

  • Many serial killers have serious mommy or daddy issues- take Ed Gein for instance, who

  • was basically a real-life Jason Voorhees.

  • Disguising yourself as Jason's mother triggers the momma's boy in him, and like most psychopaths

  • with mommy issues, he responds to female authority quite well.

  • Our heroine's only mistake was not stabbing him in the head fast enough.

  • Lastly, let's talk about dead bodies.

  • More specifically, let's talk about making sure bodies are actually dead.

  • Jason took a machete to the torso and through his collarbone, but truthfully that's not

  • really hitting anything vital enough to kill someone right away.

  • If you're getting chased by a serial killer and you manage to bring him down, take an

  • extra five seconds to make sure they're down.

  • Put that big, rusty machete through somewhere a little harder to survive- like the throat.

  • When it comes to murder, you really have to double check your work.

  • Survival Rule 2: Home Is Where The Murder Is (use relevant clips from 13:45 to 16:30)

  • Ah yes the toilet- is there a more vulnerable time in your life then when you're dropping

  • the kids off at the pool?

  • Ok, let's forget that our hero in this scene clearly did not wipe (or even flush) after

  • getting off the pot- in fact this will be a recurring theme in this film- and let's

  • discuss some home security basics.

  • First, if there's news of a serial killer in your immediately vicinity, maybe take some

  • precautions like locking all the doors and windows.

  • Don't go outside when it's getting dark unless you absolutely need to, and even then, take

  • a buddy with you- instead of heading out to do laundry and leaving your home wide open

  • for Jason to stroll right in and set up an ambush.

  • Honestly, there's little that could've saved this couple.

  • But as long as you're not leaving your home wide open to a serial killer that just murdered

  • eight people right next door, you should be alright.

  • Also, wipe and flush people, try and act like you deserve the gift of indoor plumbing.

  • Survival Rule 3: Dealing With Rapscallions (use relevant clips from 31:15 to 32:25, and

  • 33:00 to 33:30)

  • Let's face it, we've all been there.

  • You stop at a rural country shop for some groceries when suddenly you're accosted by

  • a trio of leatherclad thugs with slicked back greasy hair, random chains hanging around

  • their neck, and high heel stilettos with peak 80s hair, all demanding you use proper manners.

  • As any self-defense expert will tell you, the best way to win a fight is to never fight

  • it, so just give the thugs what they want or you might find yourself on the wrong side

  • of Michael Jackson'esque dance-fight sequence.

  • This scene is why your parents told you to always use your manners.

  • By the way, anyone else remember when a $20 bought you armfulls of groceries?

  • Or when you could stop a car by threatening to punch it?

  • Survival Rule 4: Kill It With Fire (use relevant clips from 41:53 to 43:39)

  • Once more, yet another scenario we've all found ourselves in once or twice in our lives.

  • Some young teenager runs over your gang's motorcycles so you track them down, siphon

  • their gas, and prepare to do some serious property damage via arson.

  • But the teenagers you're taking your revenge on just happen to be staying at a farm being

  • stalked by a psychopathic serial killer- honestly, it could happen to anyone.

  • First, let's remember that stomach wounds are almost never immediately fatal.

  • You can survive as much as a half hour with a serious gunshot wound to the stomach before

  • dying, but try that somewhere else like your head or upper chest and you're pretty much

  • dead.

  • It's going to hurt- a lot- but taking a pitchfork to the gut isn't going to kill you immediately,

  • so maybe try, I don't know, screaming for help?

  • Maybe scream for help before getting stabbed in the gut, like right after seeing your friend's

  • girlfriend hanging from a rafter with a pitchfork through her throat?

  • Listen, I get it, you're trying to keep up your badass 80's thug reputation, complete

  • with bandanna tied around one arm, slicked back hair, and single earring- I told you,

  • we've all been there- but if there's anything less cool than school, it's being dead.

  • But what if you're the third friend in this trio of unlikely thugs, finding your totally

  • punk rock girlfriend and greaser friend dead?

  • Instead of getting into a toe-to-toe with whoever offed your peoples, why not just go

  • with the original plan?

  • Burn the whole barn down.

  • Fire is an excellent problem solver, I recommend it for everything from serial killers to long

  • lines at the DMV.

  • Survival Rule 5: Nobody Likes Jugglers (use 45:25 to 45:32)

  • No, really.

  • Nobody likes jugglers.

  • So don't be that guy.

  • Survival Rule 6: Try And Not Be A Perfect Target (use relevant clips from 1:00:00 to

  • 1:00:31)

  • Alright, so I looked it up for you guys and no, you couldn't get a very accurate shot

  • off with a fishing speargun at anything more than close range.

  • That's because the spear projectile is just too heavy and un-aerodynamic, it relies on

  • water to keep it stable on its way to spearing a fish, and even then you still have to be

  • pretty close.

  • However, if some madman in a hockey mask- by the way this is the first time Jason appears

  • in his iconic hockey mask- is aiming a giant speargun at you, maybe don't just sit there.

  • Even if you think it's just some friend pulling a prank on you, seriously, those things have

  • hair triggers, so remember the five D's of dodgeball to stay alive: dodge, duck, dip,

  • dive, and dodge.

  • Survival Rule 7: Walk Normal, Not Like An Idiot (use relevant clips from 1:02:46 to

  • 1:02:58- don't show the nudity)

  • This is a tip not just for survival situations, but pretty much everyday life: walk normal.

  • I don't care how talented and agile you are to be able to prance around on your hands,

  • nobody is impressed.

  • In fact, we're all kind of put off by it.

  • Specially if you're doing it around the house for some dumb reason.

  • Save it for the Olympic mat, Simon Biles.

  • This was for me personally my no.2 most satisfying death.

  • Not just for the stupid walking around on his hands thing, but also for offering his

  • pregnant girlfriend a beer.

  • Though I'm not sure if 1980s science had yet figured out that knocking back brewskies was

  • bad for fetuses.

  • What was my no.

  • 1 most satisfying death?

  • I won't tell... yet.

  • Survival Rule 8: Nothing Good Ever Happened On a Hammock (use relevant clips from 1:04:51

  • to 1:05:15)

  • Hammocks.

  • The thought of one brings to mind a relaxing summer day, the sun high in the sky and you

  • relaxing as you gently sway in the breeze and doze off into a lazy nap.

  • The reality couldn't be more different.

  • Have you ever tried a hammock?

  • They're treacherous.

  • Lean the wrong way or shift too suddenly and you're going to end up face down in the dirt.

  • And don't even get me started on actually climbing into one in the first place, which

  • requires years of freestyle rock climbing experience to even attempt.

  • So, yeah, just stay off a hammock.

  • If your friend invites you to their getaway cabin and shows you to your bedroom but there's

  • no bed, only a hammock, punch that friend in the throat and run away.

  • That's not your friend, that's a crazy person, because nobody- and I mean nobody- replaces

  • their indoor beds with hammocks because that's just an insane thing to do.

  • Also maybe take a glance through the very obviously see-through mesh of a hammock before

  • you climb into one to make sure a seven foot tall man in a hockey mask isn't waiting to

  • stab you to death.

  • Survival Rule 9: Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug...

  • To Murder (use relevant clips starting at 1:08:11 to 1:08:24 and 1:09:00 to 1:09:28...

  • make sure you show him picking up the red hot poker from fireplace)

  • Side effects of cannabis use includes lethargy, slowed reflexes, dulled senses, and a lack

  • of energy- all symptoms that prove fatal in a survival situation.

  • We all knew our two resident pot heads were going to bite it, but if they hadn't been

  • high on the devil's cigarettes they might have stood a good chance at survival.

  • Getting electrocuted is pretty much a guaranteed death, unless someone is there to pry you

  • off and break the electrical connection- though that person better be grounded or they'll

  • roast to death right alongside you.

  • However, remember back to our pitchfork-in-the-gut discussion?

  • I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt like all the dickens, but taking a red-hot poker to the

  • gut isn't really going to be immediately fatal.

  • Also, the fact that it's glowing red hot means its basically cauterizing the massive wound

  • it makes, dramatically increasing your odds of survival and the amount of time needed

  • before getting medical attention.

  • So don't be a quitter like our friend in this clip.

  • Also, guys, this scene is basically proof that drugs are bad, mm'kay?

  • Smoking reefer may seem cool and hip but in fact it has terrible and long-term effects

  • on your body and brain which includes violent electrocution and having a red-hot poker stabbed

  • into your gut.

  • The science doesn't lie.

  • Survival Rule 10: Basic Self Defense (use relevant clips from 1:11:40 to 1:11:55)

  • Let's talk self-defense for a second.

  • If someone restrains you from behind like our non-hero Rick in this clip, don't forget

  • that you have an entire other half of your body available to fight back with.

  • First, the least you could do in this situation is simply stomp your feet and make it obvious

  • you're in trouble- you may not be able to shout but you can do your best Riverdance

  • impression and get people's attention.

  • Let's keep talking about the feet though, specifically, your attacker's feet.

  • Maybe you've got the idea to stomp down on your attacker's toes, and force them to let

  • go.

  • That's not a bad idea if they're wearing regular sneakers or nothing at all.

  • Simply bring the heel of your foot down as hard as you can right on their fat little

  • piggies and after several good whacks they'll either have to let go of you or deal with

  • multiple crushed toes.

  • However, there's a better move here- instead of aiming for the toes, aim for the ankles.

  • Simply raise your leg in front of you and then bring the heel smashing backwards into

  • the ankle as hard as you can.

  • Ideally you want to strike it at an angle, rather than head on, and a good ankle strike

  • can be not just excruciating, but debilitating and could cause your attacker to stumble,

  • thus dropping both of you to the floor and potentially breaking his grapple.

  • An even better idea, if you can manage it, is to simply kick backwards like a mule directly

  • into your attacker's kneecap.

  • Lift your leg out in front of you again, but this time flatten your foot as you swing it

  • back and into the knee.

  • Knees aren't meant to take crushing blows, and a good hit right on the joint can and

  • will end most fights before they even start.

  • Also, crushing Jason's toes probably wont' do much to stop him because he's basically

  • immune to pain, but there's nothing he can do about a wrecked knee he can't physically

  • walk on.

  • Lastly, if you've got no other options left to you, simply tilt your head forward and

  • downwards, and then jerk it upwards and backwards right into your attacker's face.

  • Jason is wearing a mask, so this won't do much against him, but against a regular attacker

  • you can easily shatter the nose and deliver a stunning blow.

  • There's not many people that can take a full-force headbutt to the face, so if the first one

  • doesn't set you free, just keep at it.

  • You'll likely ring your own head doing it, but your attacker will be in far worse shape.

  • Survival Rule 11: Run.

  • Seriously, just run.

  • (use clip from 1:13:16 to 1:13:30, and 1:13:33 to 1:14:42)

  • So your friends have disappeared, your boyfriend whom you were just speaking with minutes ago

  • has pulled a regular D.B.

  • Cooper on you, and you just found a bathtub full of very bloody clothing.

  • What's a girl to do?

  • Run.

  • Don't go looking for your dumb boyfriend, don't go exploring- gee whiz, maybe I should

  • check the creepy old barn out... or maybe I should just lock myself in the house.

  • Maybe you should just carve yourself up and save Jason the trouble.

  • Just run.

  • At the point that all of your friends have gone missing, you've discovered at least one

  • corpse and a bathtub full of bloody clothing, and now your boyfriend's more MIA than your

  • dad who left for cigarettes ten years ago, it's time to flee.

  • Get to a car.

  • Car won't start?

  • Get to jogging.

  • Fun fact: Jason doesn't jog.

  • Seriously, he may be unstoppable, but he's also... slow.

  • Don't be an idiot and run into the murder-woods though, just stick to the road and keep going

  • until you run into people.

  • Survival Rule12: Maybe Shut Up If You're Trying To Hide (use relevant clips from 1:16:00 to

  • 1:16:41)

  • First, this scene is in clear violation of Survival Rule 11- don't hide, run.

  • Let's think about this logically, we can see in the hallway shot that there are a total

  • of 4 doors in the upstairs area of the house.

  • There's only one staircase up or down, which Jason is obviously going to be using.

  • This cabin isn't exactly a labyrinth of options for Jason, he's going to very quickly find

  • you no matter which door he checks first.

  • Instead of locking yourself in a closet like an idiot, maybe try one of the bedrooms, shove

  • the bed against the door, and climb out the window.

  • Or, if you're going to hide, be smart about it.

  • Leave the window open and then hide under the bed, to make your attacker think you climbed

  • out.

  • But, alright, you're an idiot so you locked yourself in a closet- maybe shut up and don't

  • scream to immediately give yourself away?

  • Survival Rule 13: Do Murder Unto Others As They Would Do Murder Unto You (use relevant