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  • Wake up, prisoner!

  • It's 6:30 AM and that means it's time to rise and shine.

  • You better not be a sleeping beauty either, or a guard will be happy to provide the assistance

  • you need to exit your bed.

  • Now hurry up, you've got exactly 20 minutes to make yourself presentable and get your

  • cell squared away.

  • That means cleaning your sink, toilet, sweeping your cell, wiping down your cell bars, washing

  • your face and ass and getting dressed.

  • Then you better make sure that every single authorized item in your cell is in exactly

  • its proper place, or you'll be skipping breakfast to have a nice chat with several of the friendly

  • guards, who'll help motivate you to clean your cell up properly after they trash it

  • thoroughly.

  • You better be working quietly too, prisoner- you know the warden's very strict code of

  • silence.

  • You will chat only during assigned leisure hours, the rest of the day you will speak

  • only when spoken to by an officer, is that understood?!

  • That was a question from an officer, dummy, you're allowed to speak this one time- now

  • get those lips flapping with an honest, “Yes Sir!” and pretend you got the respect your

  • mother didn't raise you with!

  • 6:50 AM prisoner, and that means you better be standing at attention in front of your

  • cell door.

  • It's time for the daily count, and until every single one of your fellow prisoners are accounted

  • for you won't be getting so much as a crumb of bread to eat.

  • And you better not scratch that itchy nose either, or you can expect a quick rap on the

  • knuckles with a nightstick.

  • Did I give you permission to move, prisoner?!

  • Your cell doors are opening, which means you better briskly step out of your cell and turn

  • to your left, facing the chow hall.

  • No chatting in the ranks!

  • If I hear one single further peep out of you prisoner you'll be buying yourself a one-way

  • ticket to the Oriental.

  • Oh, you're new here?

  • That's the little nickname me and the warden got for a special cell over in D block just

  • for prisoners like you.

  • You'll be stripped naked and shoved into a windowless room with a hole in the floor for

  • you to relieve yourself in.

  • Close those ranks up!

  • Line up single file!

  • Move out, prisoners!

  • It's 7 AM and if you want chow you better move briskly!

  • You will remain in an orderly line in my chow hall, and you will remain silent as a church

  • mouse, with your hands firmly on your tray as you are served.

  • Lucky for you, you're in Alcatraz- not only is this the most secure prison in the United

  • States, but the authorities actually believe that a good, tasty meal is vital for rehabilitation.

  • So count your blessings, scumbag!

  • Because while other prisoners are eating watered down oatmeal, you're getting a full serving

  • of biscuits and gravy, cereal, scrambled eggs, fruit, and toast!

  • Alright, you've got your tray, prisoner, now move to your table nice and orderly.

  • You will set your tray down in front of you and sit with your hands at your sides.

  • 20 minutes to eat, dirt bags, you better make 'em count!

  • There's no doggy bags in my prison, and if I catch any of you sneaking food back to your

  • cell that's a week stay in the hole.

  • As soon as you've finished eating this delicious meal the good, hardworking taxpayers of America

  • have graciously provided for you, you will place your knife on the left side of your

  • tray, the fork in the center, and the spoon on the right.

  • Then sit quietly with- I said knife on left, spoon right!

  • Good lord boy, how dumb do they grow them down there in Arkansas?

  • As I was saying, you'll sit quietly once more with your hands at your side like good little

  • boys until a guard has inspected each of your trays.

  • Alright, 7:20 AM, time to report to your details.

  • You will exit my dining facility in the same quiet, orderly fashion that you entered.

  • Individual guards will escort you to your assigned details.

  • Some of you will go to work in the laundry, washing and folding the thousands of sheets

  • and prison uniforms in need of cleaning.

  • Others will go to the tailor shop to sew up patches and fixes to those same sheets and

  • uniforms.

  • There's some guard uniforms in there too, you better do the best damn sewing job of

  • your life on those or you'll be taking cold meals in your cell alone from here on out.

  • The rest of you will be assigned to various other shops including the cobblers and model

  • shop where you'll repair shoes and conduct basic maintenance respectively.

  • Those of you without any usable life skills will either end up gardening or doing general

  • labor.

  • You better be in your shop and ready by 7:30 AM for, you guessed it, another count.

  • So hands at your side and stand at attention as your shop foreman finishes the count and

  • phones it in.

  • Now get to work!

  • You're not living in my maximum security resort and day spa for free!

  • Alright, dirtbags, it's 9:30 AM and you've earned yourself an eight minute smoke break.

  • Hey!

  • You know the regulations, inmate, no groups bigger than three!

  • So break it up and find another designated smoking area for your break.

  • 9:38 AM, back to your shops for another count!

  • Then get back to work, ladies- what do you need, a personally hand-written invitation?!

  • 11:30 AM, feeling hungry yet?

  • You better be, because it's lunch time.

  • Line up for the count, then follow your assigned officers to the recreation yard to prepare

  • to fall in to chow!

  • It's 11:40 AM, ladies, you know the drill.

  • You got 20 minutes to eat, and I better not hear anything but forks and spoons scraping

  • the bottom of plates.

  • You can thank your fellow inmates and kitchen staff for that fresh baked bread and fried

  • porkchops, and you better be writing thank you letters to the American taxpayer for providing

  • such delicious meals every day- you definitely don't deserve it, scumbags!

  • It's 12 noon, you better be lined up inside of your cells facing out and I better not

  • hear a single peep out of any of you while the count's being conducted.

  • Heaven forbid if the count is off by one, the rest of you won't be seeing the outside

  • of your cell again all day!

  • Alright, 12:20 PM, line up and orderly file out into the rec yard.

  • Then you'll be following your assigned guards once more back to the shops.

  • You got to earn your keep on my island, boy!

  • You will dutifully conduct your assigned duties to the best of your abilities, and God Himself

  • come down from heaven in all His glory and intervene on your behalf if I find any tools

  • or items missing from your shop.

  • If I find so much as a screw missing from a toolkit that entire shop will be transferred

  • to D-block for some old fashioned solitary confinement.

  • 2:30 PM, time to smoke 'em if you got 'em!

  • This is one of the few times you'll be allowed to very quietly chat with your workmates,

  • but you better make damn sure you're obeying the 'no crowding' rule and keeping your group

  • sizes to three or less!

  • 2:38 PM, smoke break's over ladies, time to get back to work and earn your keep!

  • Time to pretend you're a respectable citizen of society, earning his way with good, honest

  • hard labor!

  • 4:15 PM, line up outside your shops and prepare for the count!

  • Hungry?

  • I don't really give a damn, because it's dinner time.

  • Once the count's completed you will line up and file in a nice, quiet fashion back out

  • into the rec yard and prepare for dinner.

  • 4:25 PM, time for chow, ladies!

  • You know the drill, hands at your side and silent as a mime!

  • I better not even hear you whisper grace to yourself, you want to speak to the good Lord

  • and thank him for your meal you better do it inside that thick skull of yours.

  • I want to hear spoons and forks on plates and nothing else!

  • You boys are in luck tonight, it's bacon jambalaya and pork roast, feel free to help yourselves

  • to seconds, or thirds if you want.

  • But you better be finished in twenty minutes and I better not catch you wasting the taxpayer's

  • food or you can bet I will- good Lord in heaven, boy!

  • Knife on the left- no, your damn other left!

  • Spoon on the right!

  • Boy, are you a science project?

  • Did some scientist down in Arkansas grow you in a lab experiment to see just how incomprehensibly

  • stupid a human being could be made?!

  • 4:45 PM, back to your cell and prepare for count!

  • You better be sitting at attention, hands at your sides, and lips shut by the time my

  • guard comes around for count!

  • Watch your toes, ladies, hate to ruin any pretty pedicures when those bars slam shut

  • on you for the last time today!

  • You're free to recreate in your cell as you wish and chat with your neighbors until lights

  • out.

  • Arkansas, why don't you go ahead and use the next few hours to practice distinguishing

  • your right from your left?!

  • 9:30 PM, line up for lights out count!

  • On your feet, hands at your sides!

  • Soon as the count's complete it's lights out and you better be tucked into your beds, quiet

  • as good little church mice.

  • You want to say your nightly prayers, you do them in your head.

  • Arkansas, maybe pray the Lord teach you left from right in your dreams because if you keep

  • messing up my orderly meal trays you'll be eating cold meals in the hole until your sentence

  • is up!

  • Now get your rest, ladies, another glorious day of fun and adventure awaits you in Alcatraz

  • bright and early at 6:30 AM tomorrow morning!

  • Alright inmate, now it's time to click Why You Wouldn't Survive Alcatraz Prison, or this

  • other video instead.

  • And you better be sitting there nice and quietly with your hands at your sides while you learn,

  • dirtbag!

Wake up, prisoner!

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B1 count prisoner pm chow alcatraz orderly

A Day in the Life of Alcatraz Prisoner

  • 16 1
    Summer posted on 2021/05/18
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