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  • - Mom, looks like my diarrhea medicine's arrived.

  • - It's not funny if it's not true.

  • I don't know what to believe with you.

  • - I'm not lying.

  • Like so many people at the beginning of the pandemic

  • I found myself moving in with my parents

  • once my New York City lease ended.

  • Yeah, it was embarrassing.

  • But I know I was lucky that I even had that as an option.

  • But as an adult, living with your parents is different,

  • especially when some have lost jobs,

  • and some are working from home all the time.

  • It's just like a lot of everyone being on top of each other.

  • I'm living with my parents,

  • and just when I think things can't get more complicated,

  • this happened.

  • Okay, so my period has not come.

  • So I just went out and bought like five pregnancy tests.

  • I don't think you really need to take that many.

  • Let's do this.

  • You see that (beeps), two lines.

  • It just appears that I am indeed pregnant.

  • I'm pregnant, I live with my parents.

  • That's gonna be funny to tell the baby one day, right?

  • Yes, that's right.

  • I found out I was pregnant and I had to hide it

  • from my roommates, who happened to be my parents.

  • (jazzy music)

  • Before we go into that, let me backtrack a little.

  • Because, as anyone knows, to get pregnant

  • in the traditional sense it takes two to tango.

  • And yes, my tango partner was my husband, Mike.

  • He also moved out when our lease ended

  • and in with his in-laws.

  • The pregnancy, was it planned?

  • Well, that's like debatable because yeah,

  • I eventually wanted to get pregnant,

  • like in two years or something.

  • You know, post pandemic, post living with parents.

  • That was the plan.

  • So let me just say that if you thought

  • there was a grace period, after you switch off

  • contraceptive pills to another method, you're wrong.

  • Take it from me and my belly.

  • There is no grace period.

  • Anyway, so my husband and I find out I'm pregnant

  • and we freak out.

  • So we decide to wait to see if the pregnancy is viable.

  • Now with any pregnancy, most people decide to wait

  • to tell anybody till the end of the first trimester.

  • And that's because up to a quarter

  • of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

  • And most miscarriages occur during the first trimester.

  • But also, we needed some privacy,

  • which was a lot easier said than done.

  • Alcohol, it's a dead giveaway.

  • Once you reach a certain age as a woman

  • and you refuse a drink, everyone around you is gonna ask,

  • oh what, are you pregnant?

  • Yeah.

  • So I did not wanna get that question.

  • My big problem was my parents are a big fan of nightcaps.

  • Like every night and also afternoon.

  • My family likes to drink.

  • So avoiding alcohol was a real challenge.

  • We go to kind of an outdoor,

  • socially distanced dinner at my cousin's.

  • And my one cousin's making margaritas.

  • And I'm being given a margarita.

  • So what do we do?

  • I pretend to sip the drink throughout the night.

  • And my husband strategically switches his drink,

  • which is nearly empty, with mine.

  • End of night my husband is drunk, not blackout but gray.

  • So we realized that wasn't a method

  • we could really continue with.

  • So we developed a second method

  • of strategically only drinking canned beverages,

  • beers, hard kombucha, ciders.

  • So when my mom would offer me a drink, I take the cider.

  • I'd soon after go to the bathroom, dump it out,

  • put a funnel in there,

  • and replace it with something that looks similar.

  • So like with a cider, I would pour in some apple juice

  • that I had hidden underneath the sink.

  • And then I would drink that the rest of the night.

  • Although my mom was getting me my favorite cider,

  • and so I felt particularly bad dumping it down,

  • feeding it to whatever sewer people live deep down there.

  • But the ruse was a success.

  • There was a second telltale sign

  • of pregnancy I had to cover up.

  • And that was weight gain.

  • Now not everyone gets that in the first trimester,

  • but I did.

  • Fortunately that one was a little easier

  • to just blame on the situation.

  • It's the pandemic.

  • Yeah, I ordered a bunch of jeans in a new size.

  • And then that kind of ended the conversation

  • 'cause no one's gonna inquire further, because that's rude.

  • Vomiting is the third telltale sign, aka morning sickness.

  • Although I don't know why it's named that

  • unless you also consider the night and the afternoon

  • the morning, because morning sickness occurs all the time.

  • After a few weeks, I find myself vomiting.

  • So I have to hide my frequent bathroom trips.

  • I dramatically order a bunch of diarrhea medication,

  • which I open in front of my mom.

  • Mom, looks like my diarrhea medicine's arrived.

  • And make a big deal of.

  • Thank god my diarrhea medicine is finally here, huh.

  • So that she knows there's a reason

  • why I'm always in the bathroom.

  • And then when I'm in the bathroom

  • I'm either playing a podcast,

  • or I've put some water on to kind of hide the retching.

  • It was horrible, but it worked.

  • After all of that, I'm pretty confident

  • I'm gonna be able to make it the full 13 weeks

  • with this ruse, lying, keeping the secret.

  • I feel really great about it,

  • until I make this one really dumb, really huge mistake.

  • So one day in particular, I'm feeling very tired and lazy,

  • which is another pregnancy sign that I blame on medication.

  • I text my husband, can you bring me that pregnancy book?

  • Only, I didn't just text my husband Mike.

  • I texted a chain with Mike and my mom.

  • So he replies to me, uh, did you mean to do that?

  • I am horrified.

  • I want to cry.

  • I have put so much time and work into this,

  • and I ruined it all with like a really dumb text.

  • I didn't even spell pregnancy correctly.

  • I didn't spell pregnancy correctly.

  • Maybe I can cover it up.

  • So I text, haha, just kidding.

  • I meant producer book, because I am a producer.

  • So you know, maybe, I don't know.

  • I don't know what a producer book would be.

  • But I texted that and (beeps)

  • I didn't feel like that covered it.

  • So I'm like, you know, okay Sarah,

  • you have to face what you've done.

  • You gotta go talk to your mother.

  • So I slink towards the kitchen to just come clean to my mom.

  • And I see that she's standing there,

  • with her back to me, washing the dishes.

  • Her phone is behind her sitting on the table.

  • It appears to be untouched.

  • My adrenaline's pumping.

  • I grab the phone.

  • I run to the bathroom.

  • I find the text message chain, delete, delete.

  • And then I come back out quietly,

  • and I put the phone back exactly where it was.

  • She doesn't notice.

  • I breathe a sigh of relief.

  • I had so, oh (beeps), her computer.

  • Her computer gets all the iMessages from her phone.

  • So it's gonna be there.

  • She's gonna open her computer, see it, and figure it out.

  • So I find her computer in her room.

  • Take it out.

  • I again, go to the bathroom, probably to engage in what,

  • she must assume, is another bout of diarrhea.

  • And I attempt to delete the messages.

  • Only, I don't have the password to her laptop.

  • And I know I only have a certain number of tries.

  • So I try password birthday, capital P password anniversary.

  • You know, it's not working.

  • My sister's name plus the year exclamation point.

  • It works, which also I'm like,

  • my sister's name, not my name?

  • But whatever, it doesn't matter.

  • I'm in the computer, I find the messages.

  • I can't figure out how to delete them individually.

  • So I just delete everything.

  • I just hope she thinks it's

  • like an update that wiped everything out.

  • I get off the computer, flush the toilet to cover my tracks,

  • and then I put it back where it was.

  • And then I'm like, Sarah, you just got (beeps).

  • She has an Apple watch.

  • The texts would've gone there and she's wearing the watch.

  • So I wait a little bit, and I walk over to her.

  • I don't know if she did see the text,

  • I don't know if she'd come right out and say it.

  • So I start off by saying, mom,

  • I've gotta come clean about something.

  • And then I stop, and I look at her.

  • Like giving her time to fill it in.

  • If she saw the text

  • maybe she would just say, you're pregnant.

  • Or maybe more likely she'd say something like,

  • oh what, pregnancy brain?

  • You forgot to do something.

  • But no, silence.

  • She just looks at me, completely clueless.

  • So I'm just like, I spilled soda on your duvet.

  • I'll get you a new one if it doesn't come out.

  • But she's like, okay, and she goes back to washing.

  • And I'm like, I can't believe it.

  • I can't believe I just got away with all that.

  • But I have to be smarter and I have to be more careful.

  • And so I am.

  • So fast forward a few weeks.

  • All right, we're about to go find out

  • if what's inside me is a baby.

  • My first trimester is about over.

  • Baby still looks healthy.

  • Baby exists.

  • I decide to tell my parents.

  • I wait till they go to visit my sister in another state.

  • You know, my sister, my mom's password.

  • So we're doing a Zoom call,

  • and I surprise her, and I tell her.

  • - Nuh uh!

  • Nuh uh!

  • - Really, really? - Really.

  • - [Mom] You're not kidding, right?

  • - No, it's real. - No I'm not.

  • - It's real.

  • - And I accidentally texted Mike

  • and you on a text message chain.

  • - Even if you had not deleted that pregnancy thing,

  • I would never, I would not have thought anything of it.

  • - Were you not suspicious at all from that?

  • - No.

  • - I mean she has no idea.

  • My secret was safe.

  • It didn't come out.

  • Because she thinks I'm a total lightweight with drinking

  • she wouldn't have thought twice if I had refused alcohol.

  • Also, she said, she just thinks I go to the bathroom a lot.

  • So I didn't even need to make up a diarrhea excuse.

  • Yeah, in retrospect I wish I hadn't come up with that lie.

  • Anyway, few months later,

  • Mike and I move into our own place again.

  • We have our own privacy.

  • And we tell the news to a wider friend circle,

  • so we're not keeping any secrets from anyone anymore.

  • Literally not anyone because you know now.

  • Like you and everyone else on the internet knows.

  • So yeah, I'm pregnant.

  • So that's it.

  • Now it's out there.

  • No more lies, no more deception.

  • No more lies about the deceptions and I can just be excited.

  • And that feels really good. (laughs)

  • I think I just got a kick.

  • (peppy music)

- Mom, looks like my diarrhea medicine's arrived.

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How I Hid My Pregnancy From My Parents

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/26