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  • -Well, hey, guys, it is March, late March,

  • and that means that it's time for people to --

  • Tariq, you okay?

  • Seem a little bothered.

  • -No, I'm good.

  • [ Scattered laughter ]

  • -You sure? You don't seem good.

  • -No, I'm just, you know, thinking of some new entries

  • for my irk list.

  • -Irk list? What's an irk list?

  • -Come on, man. You know, it's a list that I keep

  • of things that annoy me.

  • Random stuff.

  • You know what? I'll just show you.

  • It's time for "Tariq's Irk List"!

  • -♪ "Tariq's Irk List" ♪

  • Of the things that irk Tariq

  • -So, my daughter woke me up last night

  • because she heard a noise in her room.

  • I go, "What do you want me to do?

  • You know I haven't been eating meat, girl. I'm weak."

  • -[ Laughs ] What?

  • -So, she says she thinks she heard a ghost.

  • Now, no disrespect to people who believe in the supernatural --

  • I mean, I think I do.

  • I definitely believe energy just transfers and never dies.

  • But I don't really buy into the concept of the traditional,

  • mischievous, "boo," Scooby-Doo variety of ghosts, Jimmy.

  • So, I go, "Child --"

  • I'm terrible with names.

  • I go -- -Your own child?

  • -Yeah, I -- -Your own --

  • -It leaves me.

  • I go, "Child, there's no way ghosts exist."

  • And she's all, "How do you know?"

  • which at this point, is pretty much all she ever says to me.

  • I mean, she's 15 years old.

  • But it irks me that she demands

  • I produce proof to support anything I ever said --

  • footnotes, bibliography,

  • complete this CAPTCHA screen, identify all the fire hydrants,

  • stop lights, and bridges. It's a bit much.

  • So I say, "You know what?

  • Somebody confirmed it on YouTube."

  • And she goes, "Why didn't you say that in the first place?"

  • And then I tell her, "Because I'm kidding."

  • It's actually because I know way too many vengeful,

  • spiteful, petty people who've died

  • that would have come back a long time ago to haunt somebody,

  • anybody if they could.

  • It takes one to know one, and I'm that type of person, Jimmy.

  • I'm "petty" petty.

  • -You are petty? -Can't help it.

  • I'm still mad at you for something you said to me

  • on a random Tuesday morning in 2009.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • I never got over it.

  • I'm not gonna say what it is right now,

  • but if I die and come back as a ghost,

  • I'll for sure remind you of it, maybe --

  • [ Laughter ] -Wait, wait, I'm sorry --

  • So, you're going to haunt me?

  • -Yeah, maybe for all of eternity.

  • So, I'm up now. I can't get back to sleep.

  • That wakes up my wife.

  • Instinctively, she immediately does something that irks me,

  • because for her not to do so would be too much like right.

  • She says, "Babe, you're up?"

  • I go, "No.

  • I'm fast asleep, Michelle.

  • I'm sound asleep.

  • I'm in the Land of Nod right now."

  • And she goes, "It's 3:00 a.m. in the morning."

  • And that's like nails on a chalkboard for me,

  • because the fact that you said "a.m."

  • is already indicative of it being in the morning.

  • We didn't need both. It's one or the other.

  • So consider yourself irk-listed. -Okay, alright, yeah, okay.

  • -I mean, at this point, she basically has a high score.

  • Now I'm wide-awake.

  • I'm wide-awake, man. I'm "woke" woke.

  • So I go, hey, I'm going to try and get some work done.

  • And she's all, "This is a personal problem.

  • You know, I could care less."

  • And it irks me that we're cool as a society

  • with the saying, "I could care less."

  • But we've unanimously agreed

  • that it means we actually could not care less.

  • One could even split the difference

  • and use the word couldn't, but we just can't be bothered

  • with the business of adding that one apostrophe "nt"

  • and making it official.

  • So, like, I'm a little angry, just a little bit,

  • you know what I mean? I'm not "angry" angry.

  • But I'm a little irked.

  • -Yeah. -I jump in the shower.

  • You ever take a irk shower, Jimmy?

  • -Have I ever -- Have I ever taken irked shower?

  • No, I -- -It's abrasive.

  • You could hurt yourself. -Uh-huh.

  • So in my attempts to calm down, I sing a song.

  • -Okay. -And when I sing in the shower,

  • I go old-school. I want some funky ad-libs.

  • I come from days when singers would get fifty-eleven syllables

  • out of like a one-syllable word. -Fifty-eleven?

  • -Yeah, yeah, but this new R&B, man, they only got two ad-libs.

  • They go, "Yah. Ey.

  • Ey. Yah.

  • Yah-yah. Ey-ey."

  • It irks me. It irks me, man.

  • Back in the day,

  • those jokers would made "Yeah" a 9-, 10-, 11-syllable word,

  • talkin' 'bout,

  • Yea-ea-ea-ea-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h ♪

  • Now... [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ...that's flavor.

  • Like, we should bring back words like that,

  • words likeWah-boh

  • We need to add more flavor. -Oh, yeah, I know "wah-boh."

  • -Yeah! Come on, more funkiness. -Yeah. ♪ Wah-boh

  • -You ever hear that song "Get Off Your Ass and Jam"?

  • Well, first of all, it was the profanity

  • that drew me in as a kid. I was maybe 3 years old.

  • It was genius. I'm not going to curse up here,

  • but I'll sing it in pig Latin for you.

  • It goes, uh...

  • [Bleep]

  • "God am-day, get off your ass and j--"

  • Well, there's no pig-Latin word for ass.

  • -Yeah, okay, alright, that didn't help at all.

  • That didn't help.

  • -But then they hit you with thatWah-boh

  • And, oh, man, that's like the secret weapon.

  • That's the sauce, Jimmy. So it makes it "funky" funky.

  • Man, you singing some funk ad-libs in the shower,

  • and you can't stay mad.

  • So I get out happy, and I reach for a towel,

  • but then I'm immediately pissed right back off into irkdom.

  • The towel is non-absorbent.

  • What am I supposed to do

  • with a towel that just relocates the wetness?

  • This towel, it was giving me nothing.

  • So, I go, "You got one job, towel!

  • The hell is your problem? Stay thirsty, man!

  • Get your head in the game."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "You know, when you were a little wash cloth,

  • I thought you had promise.

  • I watched you grow into a hand towel

  • and then a full-on bath towel.

  • But right now, right now,

  • you acting like a little beach...towel

  • right now.

  • Actually, you're giving me lettuce vibes, man."

  • That's what it was, Jimmy. Like, the towel had a heft

  • comparable to that of a wet leaf of lettuce.

  • So I'm basically trying to dry off with a Caesar salad

  • before I decided, you know,

  • to just use a bunch of paper towels.

  • Needless to say, the day started on a bit of a sour note.

  • But right now, I'm great, man. So thanks for asking.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Wow.

  • Tariq Trotter, everybody! Thank goodness.

  • Better now.

-Well, hey, guys, it is March, late March,

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B1 TheTonightShow towel tariq irks yah shower

Tariq’s Irk List: "I Could Care Less," New R&B Ad-Libs | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/26
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