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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • I'M APLAWGD FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • AMERICA HAS BEEN THROUGH A LOT IN THE LAST YEAR-- THE LAST

  • WEEK.

  • WE'RE ALL STILL TRYING TO WRAP OUR MINDS AROUND THE INCIDENTS

  • IN BOLDER AND ATLANTA AND WHAT SHOULD BE DONEUIN RESPONSE TO

  • THIS VIOLENCE.

  • SOME ARE CALLING ON THE CONGRESS TO PASS GUN CONTROL, WHILE

  • OTHERS ARE CALLING ON THE N.R.A.

  • TO PASS THE MONEY BUCKET, BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS ARE

  • TRYING THE SAME OLD CYNICAL TRICK OF SWITCHING THE SUBJECT

  • AWAY FROM GUNS OR THINGS LIKE MENTAL HEALTH, OR VIDEO GAMES

  • OR, "LOOK OVER THERE!

  • IT'S A DR. SEUSS-THEMED GAY WEDDING CAKE FOR THE MARRIAGE

  • OF PEPE LE PEW AND MR. POTATO HEAD!"

  • BUT "THE NEW YORK TIMES" LOOKED AT THE DATA AND CONCLUDED,

  • "WHY DOES THE U.S. HAVE SO MANY MASS SHOOTINGS?

  • THE RESEARCH IS CLEAR: GUNS."

  • YES, WE HAVE MORE GUNS.

  • THAT'S WHY WE LEAD THE WORLD IN GUN VIOLENCE, SAME WAY WE HAVE

  • MORE MONSTER TRUCKS, WHICH IS WHY WE LEAD THE WORLD IN

  • CRUSHING PERFECTLY FINE CARS FOR NO REASON.

  • HOW MANY GUNS, YOU MAY ASK.

  • THE U.S., WITH ABOUT 4.4% OF THE GLOBAL POPULATION, OWNS 42% OF

  • THE WORLD'S GUNS.

  • SO IF THIS WAS A PIE CHART, WE'D HAVE ALL THE PIE.

  • AND FOR THE RECORD, AMERICA DOES HAVE ALL THE PIE.

  • AND THE THING IS, THE UNITED STATES IS NOT ACTUALLY MORE

  • PRONE TO CRIME THAN OTHER DEVELOPED COUNTRIES.

  • IT'S JUST THAT, BECAUSE OF GUNS, CRIME BECOMES MORE LETHAL HERE.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, A NEW YORKER IS JUST AS LIKELY TO BE ROBBED AS

  • A LONDONER, BUT THE NEW YORKER IS 54 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO BE

  • KILLED IN THE PROCESS, BECAUSE IN LONDON, IT'S MOSTLY KNIFE

  • CRIME, AND OVER THERE, THEY HOLD THE KNIFE IN THE LEFT HAND.

  • OUR GUN VIOLENCE IS DIFFERENT, BECAUSE WE HAVE GUNS.

  • AND UNTIL THAT CHANGES, NOTHING WILL CHANGE, AND THAT WON'T

  • CHANGE UNTIL EVERYBODY VOTES.

  • OF COURSE, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT BE UNHAPPY HOW YOU VOTE AND TO TRY

  • TO CHANGE THAT THROUGH VIOLENCE.

  • CASE IN POINT: FEDERAL PROSECUTORS ARE COMING DOWN ON

  • CAPITOL RIOTERS LIKE A FLAGPOLE- WIELDING MANIAC.

  • AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "SEDITIONIST

  • ROUND-UP ROUNDUP."

  • >> YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO STEER CLEAR OF THESE MOO-CHEBAGS."

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, BESSY.

  • THE LATEST INSURRECTIONIST TO SURRENDER TO THE F.B.I. IS SARA

  • CARPENTER, WHO IS A FORMER SPOKESPERSON FOR THE NEW YORK

  • CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT.

  • OH, SUCH A SHAME.

  • ALL THAT GOOD PRESS FOR THE N.Y.P.D. STRAIGHT DOWN THE

  • DRAIN.

  • ACCORDING TO PROSECUTORS, CARPENTER WAS CAPTURED ON

  • SECURITY FOOTAGE OF THE RIOT, FESTIVELY SHAKING A TAMBOURINE

  • INSIDE THE CAPITOL ROTUNDA.

  • IT WAS THE MOST FESTIVE ATTEMPTED COUP SINCE THE CZAR

  • WAS DEPOSED BY TROTSKY WITH MARACAS.

  • WE DON'T HAVE THE FOOTAGE YET, BUT PROSECUTORS SAY IT DEPICTS

  • CARPENTER WEARING A RED HAT, GREEN COAT, AND BLACK BOOTS AS

  • SHE TWIRLS AROUND AND SHAKES THE TAMBOURINE.

  • IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT AN ANGRY MOB IS ATTACKING YOU AT YOUR

  • WORKPLACE.

  • IT'S EVEN WORSE THAT ONE OF THEM IS DOING THIS:

  • STOP THE STEAL!

  • STOP, STOP THE STEAL!

  • TREASON, TREASON!

  • TREASON, IS THE REASON!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'M SURPRISED MIKE PENCE DIDN'T

  • HANG HIMSELF.

  • SO...

  • HOW DID THEY CATCH HER?

  • WELL, APPARENTLY, CARPENTER WAS RATTED OUT TO THE F.B.I. BY AN

  • ANONYMOUS TIPSTER.

  • AND THIS TRUE?

  • I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE TAPE OF THE TIPSTER.

  • >> PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO ARREST MY NEIGHBOR.

  • I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, THE JANGLING!

  • IT'S LIKE A DRUM, BUT ALSO LIKE SOMEBODY'S THROWING A BUNCH OF

  • KEYS INTO A STEEL BARREL.

  • IT'S LIKE SOMEONE PUT A COINSTAR MACHINE INSIDE A WASHING

  • MACHINE.

  • OH, GOD!

  • SHE'S GONNA DO A SOLO.

  • COME QUICK!

  • >> Stephen: AFTER RECEIVING THE TIP, THE F.B.I. CALLED

  • CARPENTER IN FOR QUESTIONING, AND LATER RECOVERED THE

  • TAMBOURINE.

  • NO, LET HER GO!

  • ARREST THE TAMBOURINE.

  • SEND IT TO A SUPER-MAX PRISON!

  • OR THROW IT INTO MOUNT DOOM!

  • FUN FACT-- PLUS IT'S FUN.

  • CARPENTER ISN'T JUST AN EX-COP AND CURRENT TAMBOURINE PLAYER.

  • SHE'S ALSO AN ENTREPRENEUR WHO INVENTED A SPECIAL "SOFT

  • RETRACTABLE LEASH WITH A POCKET FOR WASTE BAGS."

  • PRESUMABLY FOR DOGS, BUT ALSO HANDY FOR CLEANING UP AFTER HER

  • FELLOW RIOTERS.

  • BECAUSE THEY POOPED IN THE CAPITOL.

  • WHAT?

  • I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS THE

  • REFERENCE.

  • IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

  • NEXT UP-- SAL LOVES THAT.

  • IS THIS MIC ON?

  • NEXT UP ON THE ROUNDUP, IT'S A SEDITIONIST ROUNDUP ROUND-UP

  • UPDATE.

  • YOU MAY REMEMBER RECENTLY WHEN WE PROFILED RIOTER

  • TIMOTHY HALE-CUSANELLI, SEEN HERE CELEBRATING NEW YORK

  • FASCIST WEEK.

  • THIS WASN'T HEIL-MUSSOLINI'S FIRST BRUSH WITH THE LAW,

  • BECAUSE WE'VE SINCE LEARNED HE'S GOT A RAP SHEET DATING ALL THE

  • WAY BACK TO 2010 WHEN HE WAS ARRESTED WITH A MAKESHIFT GUN

  • BEARING THE WORDS "WHITE IS RIGHT," BECAUSE HE WAS "SHOOTING

  • FROZEN CORN AT HOUSES IN HOWELL, NEW JERSEY."

  • WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING AGES AGO, JUST BASED ON THOSE

  • ADS.

  • HEIL, HEIL, HEIL!

  • WHITE POWER! ♪ ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.

  • THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT TODAY.

  • BUT LET'S GET TO THE BIG STORY ABOUT THE BIG PROBLEM:

  • THE SUEZ CANAL IS BLOCKED AFTER A GIANT CONTAINER SHIP GOT

  • STUCK.

  • SO IT'S TIME FOR OUR FIRST-EVER, RECURRING CANAL-BASED ALERT

  • SEGMENT: ♪ ♪ ♪

  • LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN THE WATER.

  • THERE SHE IS, THE MASSIVE GROUNDED VESSEL, THE

  • "EVER GIVEN," OPERTED BY THE SHIPPING COMPANY EVERGREEN,

  • OBVIOUSLY EN ROUTE TO MAKE A VITAL DELIVERY OF LATE-MARCH

  • CHRISTMAS TREES.

  • THE SITUATION STARTED YESTERDAY WHEN POWERFUL WINDS FORCED THE

  • SHIP AGROUND ON ONE OF THE CANAL'S BANKS, BLOCKING NEARLY

  • THE ENTIRE WIDTH OF THE CANAL.

  • I GET IT.

  • AFTER A YEAR OF QUARANTINE, NOTHING FITS ANYMORE.

  • THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT SHIP INTO THEIR STRETCHY

  • CANAL-- YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE DENIM, BUT GIVES?

  • AND IT'S SMART ENOUGH TO GO FROM SOFA TO BRUNCH.

  • I'LL GIVE YOU A SENSE OF HOW HUGE THESE CONTAINER SHIPS ARE,

  • THIS ONE IS AS LONG AS NEW YORK'S EMPIRE STATE BUILDING IS

  • TALL.

  • WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

  • YOU SHOULD HAVE SAILED IT THROUGH UPRIGHT.

  • NOW, YOU LANDLUBBERS OUT THERE ONES WHO TONIGHT HAVE HATS THIS

  • NICE, PROBABLY LEARNED ABOUT THIS STORY FROM

  • VARIOUS SHORE-BASED NEWS OUTLETS, BUT I'M A MAN OF THE

  • SEA, A SALTY DOG.

  • SO I'VE BEEN TRACKING THIS BRINY PICKLE FROM THE MOMENT-- FROM

  • THE MOMENT IT BEGAN, RIGHT HERE, ON MY MARINE TRAFFIC

  • APP.

  • IT SHOWS YOU THE REAL-TIME LOCATION OF EVERY REGISTERED

  • SEAFARING VESSEL ON THE PLANET.

  • JIMMY, THROW THIS UP ON THE SCREEN THERE.

  • BOOM!

  • RIGHT THERE.

  • THAT IS A LIVE PICTURE OF THE "EVER GIVEN" BLOCK THE CANAL.

  • STATUS: STOPPED.

  • SPEED: 0 KNOTS.

  • AND WHEN I SWIPE RIGHT...

  • OOH!

  • WE'RE A MATCH.

  • MEET ME IN THE MEDITERRANEAN.

  • I'LL BE WEARING A TUGBOAT.

  • NOW, I DID NOT IMAGINE WHEN I READ IN THE SCRIPT THAT I'D BE

  • WEARING A HAT THAT I'D BE WEARING IT THIS LONG.

  • NO, I CAN'T TAKE IT OFF.

  • I CAN'T TAKE IT OFF.

  • IT SAYS IN THE SCRIPT THAT I'VE GOT A HAT ON.

  • NOW, AFTER 150 YEARS, THE SUEZ IS STILL A MAJOR SHIPPING ROUTE,

  • AND THERE'S STERN-TO-BOW TRAFFIC THROUGHOUT THE CANAL.

  • SO AUTHORITIES ARE TRYING THEIR BEST TO DISLODGE THE VESSEL.

  • HERE'S THE FULL FLEET OF ONE BULLDOZER TRYING TO DIG IT OUT.

  • COME ON, GUYS.

  • COULDN'T YOU HAVE SENT SOMETHING SMALLER?

  • MAYBE AN OLD MAN WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON?

  • OR A SINGLE PRAIRIE DOG WITH TENNIS ELBOW?

  • ANYWAY, THAT'S HOW THINGS STAND.

  • FOR CONTINUED COVERAGE OF THIS TALL TALE OF SEABORNE WOE, STAY

  • TUNED, BECAUSE RIGHT AFTER "A LATE SHOW," I'LL BE HEADING OVER

  • TO PARAMOUNT+ FOR MY OTHER JOB AS A GLOBAL MARITIME TRAFFIC

  • REPORTER.

  • WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING: "STRAIT TALK."

  • "THE PORT REPORT."

  • AND, OF COURSE, MY SPECIAL PANAMA DISPATCH: A MAN, A PLAN,

  • A CANAL: ANALYSIS.

  • NOW, NOT ALL THE WATERWAY NEWS OUT THERE IS BAD.

  • IN FACT, SOME OF IT IS DOWNRIGHT ADORABLE!

  • YESTERDAY, DOLPHINS WERE SPOTTED SWIMMING IN NEW YORK CITY'S EAST

  • RIVER!

  • THAT IS SO COOL!

  • THOUGH, PROBABLY A CONFUSING DAY FOR NEW YORK'S MOBSTERS.

  • "DON'T WORRY, BOSS.

  • LITTLE GINO TWO-FINGERS IS SWIMMING WITH THE FISHES.

  • WELL, TECHNICALLY, DOLPHINS ARE MAMMALS.

  • BUT HE LOVED SWIMMING WITH 'EM!

  • GOT TO BOOP ONE ON THE NOSE!

  • NEVER SEEN THE GUY SO HAPPY. HE SAID HE COULD REALLY SENSE THEIR

  • INTELLIGENCE.

  • REALLY MADE A CONNECTION.

  • ALL IN ALL, A GREAT DAY FOR LITTLE GINO TWO-FINGERS.

  • YOU WANTED US TO DO WHAT?!" HAT BACK ON.

  • THE MARINE MAMMALS IN QUESTION WERE SPOTTED YESTERDAY MORNING

  • SWIMMING NEAR GREENPOINT, BROOKLYN-- WHICH EXPLAINS WHY

  • THEY WERE DRINKING CANS OF OLD STYLE AND TALKING ABOUT

  • ETHICALLY SOURCED COFFEE.

  • I GOTTA SAY, IT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE TO SEE A DOLPHIN IN

  • THE BIG APPLE-- OR, AS ONE NEW YORKER PUT IT:

  • >> I MEAN, THAT'S A (BLEEP) DOLPHIN, MAN!

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SALTY TALK, BUT IN FACT,

  • HE'S JUST USING THE SCIENTIFIC NAME FOR THIS TYPE OF PORPOISE:

  • A (BLEEP) DOLPHIN.

  • NOW YOU KNOW WHY THE NAME OF THE SHOW WAS "FLIPPER."

  • SPEAKING OF MAMMALS: WOMEN.

  • IT'S TRUE.

  • YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.

  • MARCH IS WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH.

  • IT'S JUST LIKE MEN'S HISTORY MONTH, BUT IT BUTTONS THE OTHER

  • WAY, FOR SOME REASON.

  • EVERY YEAR, CORPORATIONS TRY TO FIND WAYS TO HONOR WOMEN WITH

  • THEIR PRODUCTS.

  • FOR INSTANCE, MATTEL RELEASED A SPECIAL-EDITION ELEANOR

  • ROOSEVELT BARBIE, WHICH GIVES YOUNG GIRLS THE OPPORTUNITY TO

  • CELEBRATE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT, AND ELEANOR ROOSEVELT THE

  • OPPORTUNITY TO DEFEAT VOLTRON.

  • ALSO, HERSHEY CELEBRATED WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH BY RELEASING A

  • BATCH OF LIMITED EDITION HER-SHE'S BARS.

  • OF COURSE, COME APRIL, THEY HAVE TO GO BACK TO SELLING THEIR

  • TRADITIONAL MASCULINE, HIM-HE BARS.

  • BUT HERSHEY'S ISN'T THE ONLY PRODUCT PANDERING TO WOMEN BY

  • REBRANDING, OR REPAND-HER-ING.

  • JIM?

  • >> THEY SAY IT'S A MAN'S WORLD, BUT YOU'RE THRIVING IN IT.

  • AND AFTER A LONG DAY SHATTERING GLASS CEILINGS, YOU WORK UP AN

  • APPETITE.

  • THAT'S WHY, IN HONOR OF WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH, WE'RE INTRODUCING

  • HUNGRY MAN DINNERS FOR WOMEN, BECAUSE STRONG, POWERFUL WOMEN

  • DESERVE STRONG, POWERFUL MEALS.

  • NOW YOU CAN ENJOY YOUR GIRL DINNER ANYWHERE A MAN CAN:

  • AT THE JOB SITE.

  • IN THE BOARD ROOM.

  • OR, MOST LIKELY, WHILE STANDING OVER THE SINK.

  • AND CHECK OUT NEW FEMINIST FLAVORS, LIKE HOMESTYLE

  • MEATLOAF-ETTE.

  • HONEY BAKED MA'AM.

  • AND SUSAN BEEF ANTHONY.

  • WOA-MAN.

  • AND, SURE, THE FOOD IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS REGULAR HUNGRY MAN:

  • A MIXTURE OF PROTEIN AND CHEMICALS PRESSED TOGETHER IN

  • THE SHAPE OF MEAT.

  • BUT THAT'S NOT PANDERING.

  • THAT'S RESPECT-- WHICH IS ALSO A WORD WE STUCK ON THE BOX.

  • SO, SISTER, AFTER A LONG DAY OF EMPOWERMENT, UNBUTTON YOUR

  • PANTS, DO THAT COOL TRICK WHERE YOU SLIP OFF YOUR BRASSIERE

  • THROUGH YOUR SHIRT, AND GET YOUR LADY TEETH WORKING ON SOME

  • HUNGRY MAN DINNERS FOR WOMEN.

  • BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU MAKE 75% OF A MAN'S SALARY, YOU DESERVE

  • 100% OF HIS MEAL AND 200% OF THE RECOMMENDED DAILY SERVING OF

  • SATURATED FAT.