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  • -Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome.

  • I love you, too.

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah!

  • Well, guys, after weeks of waiting,

  • tomorrow afternoon, at 1:15 p.m.,

  • President Biden will hold his first

  • presidential press conference.

  • People who normally watch soaps will be like,

  • "Who's the new beefcake on 'Young & The Restless'?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, news ratings are down, so CNN asked Biden

  • if he'd be willing to do the press conference

  • dressed like one of the Avengers.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • After being first for four years,

  • I wonder how many people Biden will call on before Fox News?

  • Be like, "Yes, you in the back

  • from the Sister Ignatius Middle School Gazette."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Biden's dealing with North Korea,

  • a border crisis, and a global pandemic.

  • But, of course, the first question will be,

  • "Sir, why did you fall three times going up the stairs

  • of Air Force One? Follow up question!

  • Is Major the Dog happy to be back at the White House?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, to prove that he's fine,

  • when Biden returned to the White House last night,

  • he jogged a couple steps on the South lawn.

  • I -- I think it helped. Let's see how he did.

  • -Yeah. [ Cheers ]

  • That's right. That's right.

  • That's right. [ Laughter ]

  • I'm sure that'll squash all the conspiracy theories.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It looked like he was gonna try to catch a bus

  • and then thought, "Ah, you know, I'll wait for the next one."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some news from overseas. Well, here's something

  • I didn't expect to be talking about.

  • A massive cargo ship got spun around

  • and stuck in the Suez Canal, blocking more than 100 ships.

  • Look at this thing. It's giant.

  • Look at that. [ Laughs ]

  • If you look closely, the ship has a tiny bumper sticker

  • that says "Student driver." So, I mean...

  • -Oh, come on. [ Laughter ]

  • -Traffic is backed up for miles,

  • and hundreds of ships are delayed.

  • Do you know how stressful it is to parallel park

  • when there's someone behind you?

  • Imagine blocking a whole hemisphere.

  • You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, that's a tough day for that captain.

  • Right now, he's trending worldwide on Twitter

  • as #DockBlocker. [ Laughter ]

  • Listen to this -- I read that Pfizer has begun

  • testing an oral anti-viral drug for COVID.

  • Man, if they can just put the medicine

  • into a chicken sandwich,

  • America will flatten the curve by Friday.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] By Friday!

  • Trust me!

  • Imagine if this oral drug has to be refrigerated.

  • Pfizer's gonna be like,

  • "Have fun swallowing a minus-80-degree ice marble."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, researchers in Mexico have invented a new mask.

  • Higgins, you'll be very excited about this.

  • -I can't wait to hear about it. -Now look at this.

  • They invented a new mask over in Mexico.

  • They claim it reduces the risk of infection

  • while eating or talking.

  • -Oh. -Take a look at this.

  • -There you go.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What? -What?

  • -What are you talking about? -Dog nose?

  • -What are you talking about, man?

  • That's it, right there. That solves it.

  • -It makes sense. -It's got to reduce the risk

  • by at least 50%. -Yeah.

  • Sure, man. -Sure. Absolutely.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I have a feeling whatever's going that way

  • is probably coming this way, as well.

  • But whatever.

  • I mean, it looks like a nose thong.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Nose diaper. -The most interesting part is,

  • underneath that is two even tinier masks over each nostril.

  • -Wow! [ Laughter ]

  • -Right now, the CDC is calling it groundbreaking

  • and wildly ineffective. [ Laughter ]

  • Some business news. I saw that Southwest Airlines

  • is doing away with social distancing.

  • It has decided to return

  • to its pre-pandemic boarding procedures.

  • -Ooh. -I think the real story here is

  • that Southwest is claiming that they have boarding procedures.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If you don't remember Southwest's old

  • boarding procedure, it's basically this.

  • -And here we go! -There you go. See?

  • "Oh, I'm in section -- No --"

  • [ Applause ]

  • "Now seating the D section." "No, I'm D!"

  • "No, I'm sorry, A first, then D."

  • Speaking of air travel, we mentioned this last month.

  • We got thousands of letters.

  • [ Chuckles ] Did we?

  • [ Laughter ] -Why not? Why not?

  • -I don't believe that. But we got thousands of letters.

  • -Thousands, man. -People still write letters.

  • -We got hundred and thousands of letters.

  • -That's correct. We got thousands of letters

  • asking us to talk about it again, apparently.

  • -Oh, good, good. -Because the Philadelphia

  • airport has a robot. Do you remember this?

  • -Yeah. -It delivers food to travelers.

  • But actually, the way it works is, it's a robot,

  • and then someone who works there,

  • and the robot follows the person who works there.

  • And then, that person -- the robot follows them,

  • then, whoever's eating the food has to go in the robot

  • and get their sandwich, at the robot.

  • -That sounds efficient. [ Laughter ]

  • -Or they could just have the human bring the sandwich

  • over to the people. Yeah, this much.

  • -You don't want hands on your hoagie.

  • So, you know, the robot -- -Hey, don't talk dirty!

  • [ Laughter ] -No, he didn't mean that.

  • No, no. -What happened?

  • I left, and now it's a filth show?

  • -No, in Philadelphia, that means a sandwich.

  • -Yeah. You don't want hands on your hero.

  • -Yeah, you know what? -Hey!

  • -Hey, Higgins. No, hey.

  • -Filthy! -Yeah, no, no,

  • he doesn't mean that type of hero.

  • He means a sandwich. -Oh, okay.

  • -It keeps paws off your po' boy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Okay. All right.

  • -It's all getting -- -I've had enough of innuendos.

  • -How does your sandwich get made?

  • How does your sandwich get made?

  • -I mean, safely, you know, in a facility by other robots.

  • -We can't just --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Can't you just get your sandwich there,

  • and you handle it, your sandwich?

  • -I think, you know, they're trying to cut down risk, man.

  • Come on. [ Laughter ]

  • We do what we can, man. -Or you do too much.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Anyways, it delivers food to travelers.

  • But now, get this.

  • This is what the Philadelphia airport is doing now.

  • They're asking for name suggestions...

  • -Oh, no. -...for the robot.

  • Just watch this. -Ah.

  • -The food delivery robot... -That's the thing.

  • -...at Philadelphia International Airport

  • needs a name, and the airport wants your help.

  • Travelers can come up with a list of names,

  • and the airport will narrow them down.

  • There will then be a contest to pick the name.

  • -This is such a bad idea.

  • You're gonna let Philly choose the name?

  • -Yes! -Perfect.

  • Well, congratulations.

  • Say hello to R2-D-Bag, everybody.

  • [ Laughter ] You win! No, you win!

  • You're right. You're right.

  • Let them choose.

  • The robot's working now, but next month, a Phillies fan

  • will hurl that thing at a Mets outfielder.

  • Just trust me. Watch.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Grunts ] -Boo!

  • -Yeah, exactly. Uh, listen to this.

  • Wedding retailer David's Bridal. You guys know David's Bridal?

  • Well, they're saying that weddings are coming back,

  • but they're taking on a more casual tone.

  • Yeah. It was only a matter of time

  • before people were like, "Wait. Is spending 5 grand on a dress

  • you only wear once stupid?" [ Laughter ]

  • "It is?" [ Laughter ]

  • It's getting so casual, David's Bridal is keeping

  • all their dresses in bins like it's T.J.Maxx.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "You looking for a dress? Yeah, no problem.

  • We have -- this whole bin is small to extra large."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "We don't put it in size. It's just in that pile."

  • Well, now, guys, everyone is keeping a close eye

  • on their brackets ahead of next week's Final Four,

  • but we thought it'd be fun to pick a different kind

  • of Final Four. That's right.

  • It's time for a "News Flub Final Four."

  • Here we go.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -Okay. Let's look at our picks here.

  • Oh, there they are. Our top four news flubs.

  • First, we have a reporter

  • who runs into some issues with her microphone.

  • Let's see how it goes.

  • -Annette Lawless is live on the scene,

  • tracking down new information. Good morning, Annette.

  • [ Low, robotic voice ] That's right, Gloria.

  • Those fire crews are still out here right now.

  • [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

  • -It's the Philly robot. Yeah.

  • -No, yeah. I watch her all --

  • She's on SNN, Satanic News Network.

  • Yeah, I've seen her before. [ Laughter ]

  • "Honey, you have a great voice for broadcasting."

  • -"Thank you." -"Thank you."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "The followers of Satan thank you."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's get back to the board here.

  • This next clip, a news anchor in Virginia

  • realizes he's made an unfortunate mistake.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -Check you're the panties. About 175,000 rice --

  • I think that was supposed to be "pantries."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I couldn't warn you before I saw it.

  • [ Laughter ] -"Check your panties!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Rice. [ Laughter ]

  • -Let's look at another clip here.

  • This next one is a BBC anchor,

  • and he's about to start the news broadcast.

  • But, man, he struggles to find his spot.

  • Take a look at this.

  • ♪♪

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah.

  • No.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Hello, and welcome.

  • -Yeah! [ Applause ]

  • Stuck the landing. -Nailed it.

  • -Stuck the landing. [ Laughter ]

  • "What? All right. What?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Hello, and welcome." It's like...

  • Well, here's our last pick here.

  • This clip is about a man who had some trouble with Zoom.

  • I'm sure you saw it. Take a look at this.

  • -A Texas lawyer proves that technical difficulties

  • can happen even at the worst of times.

  • -Can you hear me, Judge? -I can hear you.

  • I think it's a filter.

  • -I'm here live. I'm not a cat.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -All right, what do you think?

  • Was it the reporter with audio issues?

  • -Yeah. -Was it, "Check your pantries"?